A TURNING POINT

I'm at a point in my life where it's time to make or break.  I'll be 35 by the end of this year and for some reason it feels very, very old.  I feel as if I don't make a move now to create the life I want for myself then I will forever be stuck with the life I currently possess.  I had a dream a while ago about being 35.  It wasn't pleasant.  I felt as though life had passed me by.  I felt like I was out of time.  I felt like my window of opportunity had closed.

Don't get me wrong.  My life isn't really all that horrible.  In fact, I tend to believe that if I didn't have high hopes, aspirations and desires, that I would really enjoy my life as it is.  Some things have come around for me lately.  It looks like my house situation is finally going to be settled.  I just sent the paperwork in this week for our final agreement and the mortgage has returned to terms of when I first purchased it nearly six years ago.  That is a monumental happening.  I haven't been in a strong position with my home for nearly three years.  I'm certain the terms agreed upon will be the last change I make unless I move.

That bit of success was a fight.  A fight to the finish.  I had come so close to losing my home.  They went all the way to court and were in a position to take the home.  I on the other hand, returned to working retail (a job I hate in it's fashion of work).  I worked 70+ hour weeks at times.  I did so to save my home and support my children.  I wanted stability and to provide for them as I know I should as a man and as a father.  Whatever it took, I was willing to do it.

Now that I have walked up that mountain I'm not satisfied to just stay where I am.  I want so much more out of life.  I want to be able to lay out a future for my children economically that will provide them with momentum to propel my grandchildren to heights unseen by the previous generations.  I can only do this by first passing on my faith and my values to my children.  Secondly, by instilling in them a strong work ethic and understanding of how life works.  Thirdly, by doing my part to provide for them a life starting cushion that allows them to start life without the weights of debt on their backs.

With that in mind, I have to get to a place where I want it like I want breath (see video).  I have to eat, sleep, and drink my dreams.  I have to be focused and remain motivated.  I'm not one to endorse fanaticism (though I can be fanatical).  Yet, there is a need for drive and focus with balance.  I have a plan that I'm working on even as I write.  This is a plan that I have sought counsel on, explored my options, and is the clearest path to economic well being for now and in the long run.

I still have plans to pursue my other dreams as well.  They too are in the works.  I've put my hand to the plow.  Now, I have remember there is no turning back.  I hope you find the video inspiritational.  I hope you find a dream that causes you to focus.  More than find your dream, I hope you are able to obtain it.  HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT?

I write when I need to

I haven't been writing lately. There are a number of reasons for this. The first is that I just haven't had the time to do so. Working two jobs and having my kids during pretty much any free time I may come across is pretty exhausting. As such, I have allowed my blog to lay unattended.

Today is different. I'm pissed off and disgruntle. Despite my best efforts to proceed forward in life and do the right thing, every single plan, attempt, or move is thwarted by this unseen force. A few weeks back my water tank blew out and I was forced to pay for parts and labor in a way that was significant to my finances. Prior to that happening I was in strong financial shape, relatively speaking, and was well on my way to executing my plan. Since that time it has been one financial disaster after another with no let up.

Yet, and still I continue to fight on. I continue to negotiate, schedule, and reschedule as needed to get this train back on track. As of this moment arrangements have been made to weather the storm as it currently passes through. Who's to say what will come tomorrow, next week, or next month. I anticipate a need for a new vehicle much sooner than I had planned as my car has struggled to start on occasion, needing some prodding like a fatted cow. Needless to say, I'm not in a position to purchase a vehicle via cash and I don't want or need a new car payment.

Such is my life. I press on to make the best of things, hopeful, only to get the worst of things, crushed and discouraged. That's why I'm writing today. I needed to let my fingers release the anger that is pent up inside of me. I needed to put my thoughts on paper, however brief. I hope one day I can look back on these times and laugh as to how hopeless it all seemed. Truth is, I've been longing to look back on hopeless days for far too long. Nevertheless, I press on for I know no other way.

It's here to stay

My heart hurts
My head even more
How do you come to despise the one you used to adore?
You held em' high, they took it low
Burnin' won't stop, it burns so slow

I don't know what to do
I don't know where to go
You try to do right
But their an aggressive foe

You fight with your mind
You fight with your prayers
You're even fighting when all you do is stare

The pain is deep
Deeper than an ocean
This time size matters
It's all emotion

It's an invisible fence
Trapped inside your mind
Now you're bound
Don't know how to break this bind

This too shall pass
At least that's what they say
You can't wait for forever
The pain is here today

I'm a stay strong
I know no other way
Pain becomes my companion
It seems like it's here to stay

I'll keep pressing on
I can't give up
I got to keep my head high
Never give up

Crocker Chronicle: Why Single Women Need To Wait For The Right Man

This is a great article! I hope you find it helpful...

Crocker Chronicle: Why Single Women Need To Wait For The Right Man: Photo Credit: de.laina Here are some challenging thoughts from Ruthie Dean urging single women to wait on the right mate by being the r...

Some Good News

I made my February mortgage payment two days ago. That's a whole 5 days early. Probably not a big deal for many people but it was for more. More than that, it was a great feeling to pay my mortgage and not feel like I just put a noose around my bank accounts neck. Add to that, the fact that my car note and utilities are all current and you have one happy camper!

It has taken some doing to get to this point. I picked up a second job doing the type of work I despised as a young man. When I look back I see that it was my immaturity and sense of entitlement that made me hate it. I rarely find my mind whispering words of complaint when I'm at work because quite frankly, it's a breeze. That's not to say that it's easy just to say that it's not rocket science.

Please be certain that I'm working hard. On the high end I work about 70+ hours a week. Right now I'm looking more like 55 hours a week. The sacrifice of time and sleep have paid off in the sense of peace and knowing I can meet my responsibilities. I would love to have a single job that allowed me to do the same. Yet, I'm thankful for this opportunity given to me by God to do what must be done.

I'm hopeful that I can maintain this job until something higher paying comes along or at least until the summer months hit (that's when my daughter will no longer suck nearly $400 a month out of my pocket for childcare). If not, I will get back on my grind once again and find another way to make it. I'm thankful for this moment in time. I'm going to sit back (figuratively speaking) and enjoy it.

THE POWER OF SEX

A couple of weeks ago I was listening to one of my favorite radio personalities, Dennis Prager. He was talking about men and sex. During his broadcast he took a moment to reflect on President Clinton and what took place in the oval office. He did not comment on the scandal as much as he focused on the incredible power sex has in the lives of men.

Prager stated that as President of the most powerful country and leader of the free world, President Clinton had it all. Yet, he was willing to risk all of this for sex. Many like to frame the situation as one where power had gone to the President's head (no pun intended) and therefore he took advantage. However, I think the truth is that sex has a gravitational pull unlike anything known to man. Woman tend to have a difficult time grasping this (And I don't care how much you claim to love sex, you don't experience it as a man does).

What on earth would a man risk all of his power, prestige, reputation, and future on? Nothing comes to mind. Sex has such a power that it defies rational thinking and leaves many asking what they were thinking after the fact. President Clinton is not the only man this has happened too. I often say that apart from the power of God, no man can overcome his passiona and desires for sex.

I can attest in my own life that I have taken substantial risk when it comes to sex. Things I look back on and wonder how I could have ever considered such actions, much less executed them. Such things are in many ways shameful. Yet, when I think about them I find that I sense the power that was present in those moments. I have had friends confess their shame and even disgust by their own thoughts and actions. They too found themselves wrapped in the web of pornographic seduction.

Men have risked disease, pregnancy, destruction of family, destruction of career, loss of fortune and financial stability, and on and on.... I have to believe that the sex drive of men has been blown way out of proportion by the fall of man. I can't imagine being this way in the Garden of Eden walking around naked. We wouldn't know what to do with ourselves. That is why it is so necessary for men to recognize it's power and our need for external power to overcome it. Much like water, fire, or wind....sex can be your friend and your enemy.

FRIEND....

It's been a while since I've written. It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's just that I haven't been interested in putting it in print. I find myself in a mood to write this evening so I will share a few thoughts on dating. These are likely thoughts I've shared before. If you have heard this before I apologize. Nevertheless, I write...

I have found in recent weeks that the issue of friendship is a barrier to the progression of romantic relationships. This has always been an odd practice to me. I can not imagine why a person would not date a man or woman because they are a "friend." After all, when I hear people madly in love or celebrating anniversaries I always hear a clear declaration that the focus of that love is the "best friend" of the lover. Despite this common affirmation or declaration, time and time again people claim they won't pursue love and happiness because one is a friend.

It defies logic in some ways. Think of this, I'm searching for someone that I can love, someone that will be a friend...However, I disqualify all those that I know to be friends already. What sense does that make? Zero. Truth is, this is rarely an issue for men. Men view such relationships as bridges, not barriers. At the same time women seem to hide behind this. I have considered that this is all garbage.

I deduct that there may be a truth that lies beneath the surface that is brutal, if not outright offensive. I believe that women use the "friend" tag as a nice way of saying I'm not attracted to you. Reason being, I see women pursue friends on a regular basis. Such men seem to hold a trait that passes for surface attraction. Perhaps, they have something deeper. Nevertheless, I will no longer believe the statement, "it's because we're friends." I simply don't believe it.