I haven't been writing lately. There are a number of reasons for this. The first is that I just haven't had the time to do so. Working two jobs and having my kids during pretty much any free time I may come across is pretty exhausting. As such, I have allowed my blog to lay unattended.
Today is different. I'm pissed off and disgruntle. Despite my best efforts to proceed forward in life and do the right thing, every single plan, attempt, or move is thwarted by this unseen force. A few weeks back my water tank blew out and I was forced to pay for parts and labor in a way that was significant to my finances. Prior to that happening I was in strong financial shape, relatively speaking, and was well on my way to executing my plan. Since that time it has been one financial disaster after another with no let up.
Yet, and still I continue to fight on. I continue to negotiate, schedule, and reschedule as needed to get this train back on track. As of this moment arrangements have been made to weather the storm as it currently passes through. Who's to say what will come tomorrow, next week, or next month. I anticipate a need for a new vehicle much sooner than I had planned as my car has struggled to start on occasion, needing some prodding like a fatted cow. Needless to say, I'm not in a position to purchase a vehicle via cash and I don't want or need a new car payment.
Such is my life. I press on to make the best of things, hopeful, only to get the worst of things, crushed and discouraged. That's why I'm writing today. I needed to let my fingers release the anger that is pent up inside of me. I needed to put my thoughts on paper, however brief. I hope one day I can look back on these times and laugh as to how hopeless it all seemed. Truth is, I've been longing to look back on hopeless days for far too long. Nevertheless, I press on for I know no other way.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
It's here to stay
My heart hurts
My head even more
How do you come to despise the one you used to adore?
You held em' high, they took it low
Burnin' won't stop, it burns so slow
I don't know what to do
I don't know where to go
You try to do right
But their an aggressive foe
You fight with your mind
You fight with your prayers
You're even fighting when all you do is stare
The pain is deep
Deeper than an ocean
This time size matters
It's all emotion
It's an invisible fence
Trapped inside your mind
Now you're bound
Don't know how to break this bind
This too shall pass
At least that's what they say
You can't wait for forever
The pain is here today
I'm a stay strong
I know no other way
Pain becomes my companion
It seems like it's here to stay
I'll keep pressing on
I can't give up
I got to keep my head high
Never give up
My head even more
How do you come to despise the one you used to adore?
You held em' high, they took it low
Burnin' won't stop, it burns so slow
I don't know what to do
I don't know where to go
You try to do right
But their an aggressive foe
You fight with your mind
You fight with your prayers
You're even fighting when all you do is stare
The pain is deep
Deeper than an ocean
This time size matters
It's all emotion
It's an invisible fence
Trapped inside your mind
Now you're bound
Don't know how to break this bind
This too shall pass
At least that's what they say
You can't wait for forever
The pain is here today
I'm a stay strong
I know no other way
Pain becomes my companion
It seems like it's here to stay
I'll keep pressing on
I can't give up
I got to keep my head high
Never give up
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Crocker Chronicle: Why Single Women Need To Wait For The Right Man
This is a great article! I hope you find it helpful...
Crocker Chronicle: Why Single Women Need To Wait For The Right Man: Photo Credit: de.laina Here are some challenging thoughts from Ruthie Dean urging single women to wait on the right mate by being the r...
Crocker Chronicle: Why Single Women Need To Wait For The Right Man: Photo Credit: de.laina Here are some challenging thoughts from Ruthie Dean urging single women to wait on the right mate by being the r...
Some Good News
I made my February mortgage payment two days ago. That's a whole 5 days early. Probably not a big deal for many people but it was for more. More than that, it was a great feeling to pay my mortgage and not feel like I just put a noose around my bank accounts neck. Add to that, the fact that my car note and utilities are all current and you have one happy camper!
It has taken some doing to get to this point. I picked up a second job doing the type of work I despised as a young man. When I look back I see that it was my immaturity and sense of entitlement that made me hate it. I rarely find my mind whispering words of complaint when I'm at work because quite frankly, it's a breeze. That's not to say that it's easy just to say that it's not rocket science.
Please be certain that I'm working hard. On the high end I work about 70+ hours a week. Right now I'm looking more like 55 hours a week. The sacrifice of time and sleep have paid off in the sense of peace and knowing I can meet my responsibilities. I would love to have a single job that allowed me to do the same. Yet, I'm thankful for this opportunity given to me by God to do what must be done.
I'm hopeful that I can maintain this job until something higher paying comes along or at least until the summer months hit (that's when my daughter will no longer suck nearly $400 a month out of my pocket for childcare). If not, I will get back on my grind once again and find another way to make it. I'm thankful for this moment in time. I'm going to sit back (figuratively speaking) and enjoy it.
It has taken some doing to get to this point. I picked up a second job doing the type of work I despised as a young man. When I look back I see that it was my immaturity and sense of entitlement that made me hate it. I rarely find my mind whispering words of complaint when I'm at work because quite frankly, it's a breeze. That's not to say that it's easy just to say that it's not rocket science.
Please be certain that I'm working hard. On the high end I work about 70+ hours a week. Right now I'm looking more like 55 hours a week. The sacrifice of time and sleep have paid off in the sense of peace and knowing I can meet my responsibilities. I would love to have a single job that allowed me to do the same. Yet, I'm thankful for this opportunity given to me by God to do what must be done.
I'm hopeful that I can maintain this job until something higher paying comes along or at least until the summer months hit (that's when my daughter will no longer suck nearly $400 a month out of my pocket for childcare). If not, I will get back on my grind once again and find another way to make it. I'm thankful for this moment in time. I'm going to sit back (figuratively speaking) and enjoy it.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
THE POWER OF SEX
A couple of weeks ago I was listening to one of my favorite radio personalities, Dennis Prager. He was talking about men and sex. During his broadcast he took a moment to reflect on President Clinton and what took place in the oval office. He did not comment on the scandal as much as he focused on the incredible power sex has in the lives of men.
Prager stated that as President of the most powerful country and leader of the free world, President Clinton had it all. Yet, he was willing to risk all of this for sex. Many like to frame the situation as one where power had gone to the President's head (no pun intended) and therefore he took advantage. However, I think the truth is that sex has a gravitational pull unlike anything known to man. Woman tend to have a difficult time grasping this (And I don't care how much you claim to love sex, you don't experience it as a man does).
What on earth would a man risk all of his power, prestige, reputation, and future on? Nothing comes to mind. Sex has such a power that it defies rational thinking and leaves many asking what they were thinking after the fact. President Clinton is not the only man this has happened too. I often say that apart from the power of God, no man can overcome his passiona and desires for sex.
I can attest in my own life that I have taken substantial risk when it comes to sex. Things I look back on and wonder how I could have ever considered such actions, much less executed them. Such things are in many ways shameful. Yet, when I think about them I find that I sense the power that was present in those moments. I have had friends confess their shame and even disgust by their own thoughts and actions. They too found themselves wrapped in the web of pornographic seduction.
Men have risked disease, pregnancy, destruction of family, destruction of career, loss of fortune and financial stability, and on and on.... I have to believe that the sex drive of men has been blown way out of proportion by the fall of man. I can't imagine being this way in the Garden of Eden walking around naked. We wouldn't know what to do with ourselves. That is why it is so necessary for men to recognize it's power and our need for external power to overcome it. Much like water, fire, or wind....sex can be your friend and your enemy.
Prager stated that as President of the most powerful country and leader of the free world, President Clinton had it all. Yet, he was willing to risk all of this for sex. Many like to frame the situation as one where power had gone to the President's head (no pun intended) and therefore he took advantage. However, I think the truth is that sex has a gravitational pull unlike anything known to man. Woman tend to have a difficult time grasping this (And I don't care how much you claim to love sex, you don't experience it as a man does).
What on earth would a man risk all of his power, prestige, reputation, and future on? Nothing comes to mind. Sex has such a power that it defies rational thinking and leaves many asking what they were thinking after the fact. President Clinton is not the only man this has happened too. I often say that apart from the power of God, no man can overcome his passiona and desires for sex.
I can attest in my own life that I have taken substantial risk when it comes to sex. Things I look back on and wonder how I could have ever considered such actions, much less executed them. Such things are in many ways shameful. Yet, when I think about them I find that I sense the power that was present in those moments. I have had friends confess their shame and even disgust by their own thoughts and actions. They too found themselves wrapped in the web of pornographic seduction.
Men have risked disease, pregnancy, destruction of family, destruction of career, loss of fortune and financial stability, and on and on.... I have to believe that the sex drive of men has been blown way out of proportion by the fall of man. I can't imagine being this way in the Garden of Eden walking around naked. We wouldn't know what to do with ourselves. That is why it is so necessary for men to recognize it's power and our need for external power to overcome it. Much like water, fire, or wind....sex can be your friend and your enemy.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
FRIEND....
It's been a while since I've written. It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's just that I haven't been interested in putting it in print. I find myself in a mood to write this evening so I will share a few thoughts on dating. These are likely thoughts I've shared before. If you have heard this before I apologize. Nevertheless, I write...
I have found in recent weeks that the issue of friendship is a barrier to the progression of romantic relationships. This has always been an odd practice to me. I can not imagine why a person would not date a man or woman because they are a "friend." After all, when I hear people madly in love or celebrating anniversaries I always hear a clear declaration that the focus of that love is the "best friend" of the lover. Despite this common affirmation or declaration, time and time again people claim they won't pursue love and happiness because one is a friend.
It defies logic in some ways. Think of this, I'm searching for someone that I can love, someone that will be a friend...However, I disqualify all those that I know to be friends already. What sense does that make? Zero. Truth is, this is rarely an issue for men. Men view such relationships as bridges, not barriers. At the same time women seem to hide behind this. I have considered that this is all garbage.
I deduct that there may be a truth that lies beneath the surface that is brutal, if not outright offensive. I believe that women use the "friend" tag as a nice way of saying I'm not attracted to you. Reason being, I see women pursue friends on a regular basis. Such men seem to hold a trait that passes for surface attraction. Perhaps, they have something deeper. Nevertheless, I will no longer believe the statement, "it's because we're friends." I simply don't believe it.
I have found in recent weeks that the issue of friendship is a barrier to the progression of romantic relationships. This has always been an odd practice to me. I can not imagine why a person would not date a man or woman because they are a "friend." After all, when I hear people madly in love or celebrating anniversaries I always hear a clear declaration that the focus of that love is the "best friend" of the lover. Despite this common affirmation or declaration, time and time again people claim they won't pursue love and happiness because one is a friend.
It defies logic in some ways. Think of this, I'm searching for someone that I can love, someone that will be a friend...However, I disqualify all those that I know to be friends already. What sense does that make? Zero. Truth is, this is rarely an issue for men. Men view such relationships as bridges, not barriers. At the same time women seem to hide behind this. I have considered that this is all garbage.
I deduct that there may be a truth that lies beneath the surface that is brutal, if not outright offensive. I believe that women use the "friend" tag as a nice way of saying I'm not attracted to you. Reason being, I see women pursue friends on a regular basis. Such men seem to hold a trait that passes for surface attraction. Perhaps, they have something deeper. Nevertheless, I will no longer believe the statement, "it's because we're friends." I simply don't believe it.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
My Life Sucks
With each new day comes new information as to how much my life sucks. There are a myriad of issues that I just can't disclose at this time as I have no idea how I'm going to proceed nor how they will ultimately effect others. There are issues that I face personally, issues that my family is facing, issues that my friends are facing, and the general state of life in American at this time.
I have no idea or thoughts on my own personal future. I don't particularly care for my job or the politics surrounding it at this time. I hate where I live but I don't see a way out that I can sleep with at this time. I think I need a new career but opportunities are few and far between. I've come to find at various moments that my family has some pretty warped opinions of me and I don't really care for them much anymore.
I have financial issues that are simply outpacing my efforts. I have a second job that I'm thankful to have but bores me to death. I come to an agreement to address my issues only to have them changed in the writing of the contract and back to the drawing board all over again as though that conversation never took place. I seem to make head way at work only to have it all turned around, then coming back to my original proposal at the end when it's too late.
I have few friends that I actually see face to face. I have some friends that only seem interested in seeing me if I'm at church or a church related service. In some ways I feel like I have no friends. Once a life full of activity, phone calls, and social interaction. Now a life filled with quiet time at home, no phone calls apart from those wanting money, and very limited social interaction outside of work.
My health is taking a real dive right now. I haven't felt normal or healthy for about a month now. My blood pressure is going through the roof and my weight is going right along with it. It would seem I'm depressed once again and that I have little motivation for much of anything. I think about calling off from work daily. And, I think of letting most everything I've been fighting for go. I have no insight, no plan, no reprieve, no peace, only madness. Life sucks.
I have no idea or thoughts on my own personal future. I don't particularly care for my job or the politics surrounding it at this time. I hate where I live but I don't see a way out that I can sleep with at this time. I think I need a new career but opportunities are few and far between. I've come to find at various moments that my family has some pretty warped opinions of me and I don't really care for them much anymore.
I have financial issues that are simply outpacing my efforts. I have a second job that I'm thankful to have but bores me to death. I come to an agreement to address my issues only to have them changed in the writing of the contract and back to the drawing board all over again as though that conversation never took place. I seem to make head way at work only to have it all turned around, then coming back to my original proposal at the end when it's too late.
I have few friends that I actually see face to face. I have some friends that only seem interested in seeing me if I'm at church or a church related service. In some ways I feel like I have no friends. Once a life full of activity, phone calls, and social interaction. Now a life filled with quiet time at home, no phone calls apart from those wanting money, and very limited social interaction outside of work.
My health is taking a real dive right now. I haven't felt normal or healthy for about a month now. My blood pressure is going through the roof and my weight is going right along with it. It would seem I'm depressed once again and that I have little motivation for much of anything. I think about calling off from work daily. And, I think of letting most everything I've been fighting for go. I have no insight, no plan, no reprieve, no peace, only madness. Life sucks.
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