For the past year and a half I have been seeing one woman. I thought God had been graceful and blessed with an amazing, smart, fun, honest, woman. I thought how lucky I had been that I didn't have to go forever as a single man without love in my life. I thought I found a woman that would restore my faith in good women...I WAS WRONG.
As it turns out this woman I thought was an incredible find turned out to be venomous. After a year and half of spending 3 to 4 days a week together, flowers, candy, dinners, poetry, hidden notes, and the declaration of my love, she proved to be incredibly cruel. I thought we were moving toward something significant. She had introduced her kids to me, mine to her. We had all hung out a number of times as one big group. I thought this was the beginning of something special.
As it would turn out, despite the meeting of the children and the day long activities together in which she would be affectionate towards me in their presence (after telling me she didn't want to show affection in front of the kids), it was actually the beginning of the end. She was pulling away from me while bringing our families together. This is something I would have never done had I known she was going to go this way. I thought it was safe. We had been seeing each other for a year by that point. Who knew...well she did.
In November of 2012, my grandmother passed away. This was the woman that raised me. I had shared many stories about my grandmother with this woman. She had shared about hers and often would say how she wish I could have met her. It was during this time in death that I would come to clearly see I had been sold fools gold.
This woman, whom I loved and expressed my love to, disappeared from my life. She didn't contact me. No text, no calls, no e-mails, no facebook messages...nothing. She told me she was giving me time to grieve before we connected again. I knew something was up. If she knew me at all she would have known I don't grieve alone. I love people and company and needed it desperately during that time. She was nowhere to be found. I would see her one more time after my grandmother's passing. This was not a warm reunion as I had expected. Instead, it was a very "ho-hum" experience. She was simply going through the motions.
I knew my love affair had come to an end. I had left a movie at her home that we were supposed to watch together one day. It had been there for nearly a year. I took the movie home with me. This was symbolically the end of it. I would later come to find that she had other interest in men. Once again, my love was tossed to the side in favor of something new...something different...something that wasn't me.
As I try desperately to process the pain and confusion of all this I rack my brain moment by moment. All I keep thinking is, NOT AGAIN! How did my heart lead me to another woman that didn't appreciate what I brought to the table? In her own words and by her own admission she said, "You definitely know how to treat a woman. You treat me with respect. I can tell you listen to me, really listen, and think about me when I'm not around. You've been very patient and understanding with me...my husband didn't try to understand me at all." The cake taker has to be this, "If anyone deserves love it's you." If I'm so deserving why wouldn't she give me hers?
I have no answers for anything right now. I'm just a moving sack of skin and bones, full of rage, anger, pain, rejection, and disappointment. I'm depressed. I don't want to work, go out, or think about anything at all. I just want to drink and sleep. I can't stop thinking about this. I can't stop talking about it. I can't seem to let go...I can't seem to move on. I'm going to end this here for now. I could go on forever babbling about my pain, but I won't....
As it turns out this woman I thought was an incredible find turned out to be venomous. After a year and half of spending 3 to 4 days a week together, flowers, candy, dinners, poetry, hidden notes, and the declaration of my love, she proved to be incredibly cruel. I thought we were moving toward something significant. She had introduced her kids to me, mine to her. We had all hung out a number of times as one big group. I thought this was the beginning of something special.
As it would turn out, despite the meeting of the children and the day long activities together in which she would be affectionate towards me in their presence (after telling me she didn't want to show affection in front of the kids), it was actually the beginning of the end. She was pulling away from me while bringing our families together. This is something I would have never done had I known she was going to go this way. I thought it was safe. We had been seeing each other for a year by that point. Who knew...well she did.
In November of 2012, my grandmother passed away. This was the woman that raised me. I had shared many stories about my grandmother with this woman. She had shared about hers and often would say how she wish I could have met her. It was during this time in death that I would come to clearly see I had been sold fools gold.
This woman, whom I loved and expressed my love to, disappeared from my life. She didn't contact me. No text, no calls, no e-mails, no facebook messages...nothing. She told me she was giving me time to grieve before we connected again. I knew something was up. If she knew me at all she would have known I don't grieve alone. I love people and company and needed it desperately during that time. She was nowhere to be found. I would see her one more time after my grandmother's passing. This was not a warm reunion as I had expected. Instead, it was a very "ho-hum" experience. She was simply going through the motions.
I knew my love affair had come to an end. I had left a movie at her home that we were supposed to watch together one day. It had been there for nearly a year. I took the movie home with me. This was symbolically the end of it. I would later come to find that she had other interest in men. Once again, my love was tossed to the side in favor of something new...something different...something that wasn't me.
As I try desperately to process the pain and confusion of all this I rack my brain moment by moment. All I keep thinking is, NOT AGAIN! How did my heart lead me to another woman that didn't appreciate what I brought to the table? In her own words and by her own admission she said, "You definitely know how to treat a woman. You treat me with respect. I can tell you listen to me, really listen, and think about me when I'm not around. You've been very patient and understanding with me...my husband didn't try to understand me at all." The cake taker has to be this, "If anyone deserves love it's you." If I'm so deserving why wouldn't she give me hers?
I have no answers for anything right now. I'm just a moving sack of skin and bones, full of rage, anger, pain, rejection, and disappointment. I'm depressed. I don't want to work, go out, or think about anything at all. I just want to drink and sleep. I can't stop thinking about this. I can't stop talking about it. I can't seem to let go...I can't seem to move on. I'm going to end this here for now. I could go on forever babbling about my pain, but I won't....
I'm sorry for allowing OUR friendship to fade; especially during this time...!!!
ReplyDelete