When the phone was picked up by my co-worker I did my typical morning greeting, "Good morning! How are you?" I did not expect the response I received, "Full of piss and vinegar." This was a phrase I had not heard in quite some time. Far as I know, people in my generation don't often use this phrase. It's kind of a throwback line. So much so, I had to stop laughing before I could continue our conversation.
My co-worker would go on to inform me that she was frustrated with work, the type of work she is doing, and the ever changing atmosphere (for the worse). I could relate because I too have been less than satisfied with work as of late. It has become a place full of people that major in the minors with a punitive perspective towards it's employees. Little did I know just a few days later I too would employ the "piss and vinegar" phrase for my own mood.
Last night I slowly became enraged by my current place in the lives of others. I find myself once again doing all the "right things," but getting all the wrong results. The most recent of these events is once again a failure in love. The woman that has my heart disappeared during the most painful crisis since my wife abandoned me, the passing of my grandmother. She would periodically check in on me but this may go longer than a week. She was not in a hurry to spend time with me after my return from the funeral. And when I asked for affirmation of our relationship, she invited me to leave. Things haven't been the same since.
I have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. Sorrow, hatred, jealousy, envy, relief, temporary peace, and back again. The woman I love offered an apology accompanied with a slew of compliments; "You're a great guy, fun to be around, funny, I genuinely enjoy your company, I'm thankful you're a part of my life no matter how things work out, you're respectful, you know how to treat a woman, and if anyone deserves love you do." She even pulled the "it's not you, it's me" card out.
At the same time, she continues to send mixed signals. We had not spoken for quite some time. Yet, when I called for a truce, she called me on the phone (something she never, ever, ever, does). This happened on two occasions. Once from her home and once while on break at her job. Both times we spoke for at least and hour. This was so unordinary her kids asked who she was speaking with because she "never talks to anyone that long on the phone." She commented how easy it was to talk to me and that her missed my company. After not hearing from me for three days she even checked in to see if I was ok. She said she thought something was seriously wrong with me.
Despite the renewed airways of communication and her expressed concern for my well-being, when I asked her to join me for an evening out she refuses. She offers some lame excuse about how she wants to say "yes" but has trepidation. Who wants to be with someone but doesn't want to be with them because they may desire more time after the fact? I don't spend time with people I'm hoping not to see any more. That's just asinine and foolish. Nevertheless there I was, rejected and "full of piss and vinegar."
All the rage, disappointment, bewilderment, anger, anxiety, and questions flooded my head. How can you love to be with someone and not want to be with them? I used to see this happen to white people in college. Both parties crying tears of sorrow as they declared they loved one another but could no longer be together. What the Hell is that? I love you and you love me, but we can't be together for no other reason that we say so...I used to think how foolish can you be? Truthfully, I still think how foolish can you be?
This is a phenomena I will never understand. This is an anger that is increasingly more and more difficult to swallow. I have the most brief moments of peace and clarity but it is temporary, if not outright fake. Like a house of cards my emotional stability does not hold up to the slightest of breezes these days. It's kind of sad in a lot of ways. I find myself unable to control my thoughts and feelings right now. I am at the mercy, or lack thereof, of my broken heart.
The piss and vinegar rose to such a level last night I could feel it in my chest. I was grocery shopping and had to fight the strong urge to purchase alcohol to quench my pain. I was successful in escaping the store, not so much with the booze. Early this morning around 1:00AM, I remembered I had a bottle of pino grigio given to me by a dear friend. It was his own homemade brand and my intentions were to share it with someone special, the woman I love. I knew last night no such occasion to share with the woman I love would be presenting itself anytime soon. So I popped the cork and consumed the entire bottle.
The pino grigio did the trick. My mood lightened and eventually, some three hours later, I was able to fall asleep. I knew it was not a positive to turn to the bottle to seek relief. It's a tell tale sign of alcoholism to do so. Yet, I needed something to take the edge off and the gym was not available to me last night. There comes a point where you just want to survive and that's what I did. Full of piss, vinegar, rejection, pain, remorse, and insomnia, I survived. Remnants of piss and vinegar are still swirling around in my system, but it had to swirl while I slept.
My co-worker would go on to inform me that she was frustrated with work, the type of work she is doing, and the ever changing atmosphere (for the worse). I could relate because I too have been less than satisfied with work as of late. It has become a place full of people that major in the minors with a punitive perspective towards it's employees. Little did I know just a few days later I too would employ the "piss and vinegar" phrase for my own mood.
Last night I slowly became enraged by my current place in the lives of others. I find myself once again doing all the "right things," but getting all the wrong results. The most recent of these events is once again a failure in love. The woman that has my heart disappeared during the most painful crisis since my wife abandoned me, the passing of my grandmother. She would periodically check in on me but this may go longer than a week. She was not in a hurry to spend time with me after my return from the funeral. And when I asked for affirmation of our relationship, she invited me to leave. Things haven't been the same since.
I have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. Sorrow, hatred, jealousy, envy, relief, temporary peace, and back again. The woman I love offered an apology accompanied with a slew of compliments; "You're a great guy, fun to be around, funny, I genuinely enjoy your company, I'm thankful you're a part of my life no matter how things work out, you're respectful, you know how to treat a woman, and if anyone deserves love you do." She even pulled the "it's not you, it's me" card out.
At the same time, she continues to send mixed signals. We had not spoken for quite some time. Yet, when I called for a truce, she called me on the phone (something she never, ever, ever, does). This happened on two occasions. Once from her home and once while on break at her job. Both times we spoke for at least and hour. This was so unordinary her kids asked who she was speaking with because she "never talks to anyone that long on the phone." She commented how easy it was to talk to me and that her missed my company. After not hearing from me for three days she even checked in to see if I was ok. She said she thought something was seriously wrong with me.
Despite the renewed airways of communication and her expressed concern for my well-being, when I asked her to join me for an evening out she refuses. She offers some lame excuse about how she wants to say "yes" but has trepidation. Who wants to be with someone but doesn't want to be with them because they may desire more time after the fact? I don't spend time with people I'm hoping not to see any more. That's just asinine and foolish. Nevertheless there I was, rejected and "full of piss and vinegar."
All the rage, disappointment, bewilderment, anger, anxiety, and questions flooded my head. How can you love to be with someone and not want to be with them? I used to see this happen to white people in college. Both parties crying tears of sorrow as they declared they loved one another but could no longer be together. What the Hell is that? I love you and you love me, but we can't be together for no other reason that we say so...I used to think how foolish can you be? Truthfully, I still think how foolish can you be?
This is a phenomena I will never understand. This is an anger that is increasingly more and more difficult to swallow. I have the most brief moments of peace and clarity but it is temporary, if not outright fake. Like a house of cards my emotional stability does not hold up to the slightest of breezes these days. It's kind of sad in a lot of ways. I find myself unable to control my thoughts and feelings right now. I am at the mercy, or lack thereof, of my broken heart.
The piss and vinegar rose to such a level last night I could feel it in my chest. I was grocery shopping and had to fight the strong urge to purchase alcohol to quench my pain. I was successful in escaping the store, not so much with the booze. Early this morning around 1:00AM, I remembered I had a bottle of pino grigio given to me by a dear friend. It was his own homemade brand and my intentions were to share it with someone special, the woman I love. I knew last night no such occasion to share with the woman I love would be presenting itself anytime soon. So I popped the cork and consumed the entire bottle.
The pino grigio did the trick. My mood lightened and eventually, some three hours later, I was able to fall asleep. I knew it was not a positive to turn to the bottle to seek relief. It's a tell tale sign of alcoholism to do so. Yet, I needed something to take the edge off and the gym was not available to me last night. There comes a point where you just want to survive and that's what I did. Full of piss, vinegar, rejection, pain, remorse, and insomnia, I survived. Remnants of piss and vinegar are still swirling around in my system, but it had to swirl while I slept.
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