I'd like to say that all of my anger has subsided toward my ex. That's not quite the case. However, I can say that much of the anger has receded. While discussing an issue about our children this past week I could hear the emotion in her voice and I felt such compassion for her. I didn't seek to console her or communicate my empathy. I just felt it in my body. Truth is, I prayed for her after the phone call. I haven't done that in forever.
It was a strange happening. I actually wanted good things for her. I wanted her stress/despair to come to an end. This wasn't the case just a few weeks ago. Some things will never be the same. Some things can't be repaired. Like Humpty Dumpty, you just can't put this one back together again. What appears to be restored is my humanity toward her and the recognition of our frail make up as people.
I recognize that given the right conditions most of us are capable of doing almost anything. Things happen that are out of our control. Sometimes we experience emotions and thoughts that we can't really explain. I'm moving to a place where I can forgive my ex for her actions. Love is like energy...it can't be destroyed, it can only change forms. I hope that my love moves me to a point of no more anger.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
One of Those Days...
Today is just one of those days. It's a day where things are sad. I miss my family today. My kids. Their laugh. Even my wife (who I thought she was, not who she is or was for the moment). I suppose this is the grief process. You have up and down days. You have times where things that you thought had long left you show up front and center.
These things hit like a mack truck. One moment you're rolling along, making it through life. The next, you find yourself wondering how you got here? At this time you wish things were different. You try to find where you went wrong in your decision making? Could this have all been avoided? What if's? rule the day. It's sickening because what if's? are never answered.
Since I'm in the profession I'm in I knew that days like this were likely to come and many more will surely be on their way. I won't let this keep me down. I know better than that. I know that this feeling will pass eventually. But for now, I've just got to feel what I'm feeling. It's just one of those days.
These things hit like a mack truck. One moment you're rolling along, making it through life. The next, you find yourself wondering how you got here? At this time you wish things were different. You try to find where you went wrong in your decision making? Could this have all been avoided? What if's? rule the day. It's sickening because what if's? are never answered.
Since I'm in the profession I'm in I knew that days like this were likely to come and many more will surely be on their way. I won't let this keep me down. I know better than that. I know that this feeling will pass eventually. But for now, I've just got to feel what I'm feeling. It's just one of those days.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
BEAUTIFUL
I have noticed that many woman are chasing "beauty." They want to look a certain way. Typically this is some concocted image of self put together with Entertainment Tonight and US Weekly celebs. This need to be beautiful like those in the magazines is damaging to women and relationships.
I've noticed this in friendships and relationships alike with women. They don't believe you when you tell them they are attractive. They point to their own self-image and what they think is beauty. You can't overcome this type of thing. It's an internal mechanism. A sickness in a way. It's sad when a woman can't accept a compliment.
This can be relationship destroying. It is akin to a man without any confidence in himself. It's frustrating, distracting, and depressing on both sides. Don't torture yourself or anyone else. Come to grips that you are in fact beautiful. Enjoy your beauty. Let others enjoy it as well. Don't shy away from compliments or wonder in disbelief. Embrace it.
Understand this, women...all women are beautiful. It's in the form, the fashion, the femininity of who women are that makes it so. I love women. I love the look, the smell, the feel, the touch, the emotion, and even the thoughts of women. Beautiful in so many ways. I love them full figure, thin, middle, and in other ways. Beauty is so much more than a body and yet it is a body all at the same time. Simply be...BEAUTIFUL.
I've noticed this in friendships and relationships alike with women. They don't believe you when you tell them they are attractive. They point to their own self-image and what they think is beauty. You can't overcome this type of thing. It's an internal mechanism. A sickness in a way. It's sad when a woman can't accept a compliment.
This can be relationship destroying. It is akin to a man without any confidence in himself. It's frustrating, distracting, and depressing on both sides. Don't torture yourself or anyone else. Come to grips that you are in fact beautiful. Enjoy your beauty. Let others enjoy it as well. Don't shy away from compliments or wonder in disbelief. Embrace it.
Understand this, women...all women are beautiful. It's in the form, the fashion, the femininity of who women are that makes it so. I love women. I love the look, the smell, the feel, the touch, the emotion, and even the thoughts of women. Beautiful in so many ways. I love them full figure, thin, middle, and in other ways. Beauty is so much more than a body and yet it is a body all at the same time. Simply be...BEAUTIFUL.
I'M SORRY
During the course of this past year I have been on a roller coaster of emotion, thought, and action. I was furious with the results of my previous life and I sought to do something completely different from who I am in personality and character. I wanted payback. I wanted revenge. I wanted to satisfy my passions and desires, be they good or bad.
Such living is not who I am. I'm fully capable but it takes work on my part. I have a conscience and empathy for others. In order to live to satisfy my own needs and desires I have to think only of myself. That's not who I am. Yet, I pushed beyond myself and let my pain lead the way. During that time I have cause pain to a few women. Women whom I had no intentions of harming. Women of whom I had nothing against.
I'm sorry for my actions. I wish I could claim ignorance in its truest sense. I can't. I knew what was to come. I knew where things would be going. I knew that physical encounters reveal or lead to emotional attachment. I ignored what I knew to be true. I was selfish in my conquest. I was enjoying myself and that was all that mattered. Unfortunately, in reality that isn't all that matters. People matter. Hearts matter. Feelings matter.
I am sorry for what I have done. The pain I have caused. The hearts I have broken. I'm contrite for my actions. There is no defense for them. I hope not to cause harm to anymore in this way. In my relenting and removal from their lives I'm causing pain. I know myself. I know my temptations and desires. Continued contact would get the best of me. I can't say this change is forever. I just know it's for now. I'm sorry.
Such living is not who I am. I'm fully capable but it takes work on my part. I have a conscience and empathy for others. In order to live to satisfy my own needs and desires I have to think only of myself. That's not who I am. Yet, I pushed beyond myself and let my pain lead the way. During that time I have cause pain to a few women. Women whom I had no intentions of harming. Women of whom I had nothing against.
I'm sorry for my actions. I wish I could claim ignorance in its truest sense. I can't. I knew what was to come. I knew where things would be going. I knew that physical encounters reveal or lead to emotional attachment. I ignored what I knew to be true. I was selfish in my conquest. I was enjoying myself and that was all that mattered. Unfortunately, in reality that isn't all that matters. People matter. Hearts matter. Feelings matter.
I am sorry for what I have done. The pain I have caused. The hearts I have broken. I'm contrite for my actions. There is no defense for them. I hope not to cause harm to anymore in this way. In my relenting and removal from their lives I'm causing pain. I know myself. I know my temptations and desires. Continued contact would get the best of me. I can't say this change is forever. I just know it's for now. I'm sorry.
Times of Uncertainty
Challenges are coming at me a mile a minute. Layoffs are pending at work. My home hangs in the balance. There is an opportunity to go to school on a partial scholarship. However, that's dependent upon my continued employment. No employment means no scholarship and no program. If I loose my job and my home I'm not certain where I will go or what I will do.
Each decision builds one upon the other. I don't mind the adversity. Such is life. I do mind the complications that are brought on by so many question marks. But still, that is also life. I can tell you how I ended up where I am step by step. Yet I still wonder, "How did I get here?" How did I get to Akron OH? So far from home. So far from family. So far from faith. So far from all of my plans.
It's kind of funny in a way. As I am making a conscious effort to turn back towards my faith I find that these complications are coming at rapid speeds. This has been the pattern much of my life. I suppose the battle is the most fierce the closer to the end you come. It's fierce right now in many ways. Relationships are in transition, work is in limbo, housing is out there too, and I'm in many ways as lost as the show.
This has been my life for nearly a year. I'm used to it now. Anger won't change things. Blame won't change things. Whining and sulking won't change things either. Truth is, returning to my faith may not change things either. At least it may not change things the way I want them too. Only change will change things. So, I'm going to roll with the punches. See where this all ends up. Life is exciting in a way I did not want it to be. Nevertheless, I am going to go with the uncertainty.
Each decision builds one upon the other. I don't mind the adversity. Such is life. I do mind the complications that are brought on by so many question marks. But still, that is also life. I can tell you how I ended up where I am step by step. Yet I still wonder, "How did I get here?" How did I get to Akron OH? So far from home. So far from family. So far from faith. So far from all of my plans.
It's kind of funny in a way. As I am making a conscious effort to turn back towards my faith I find that these complications are coming at rapid speeds. This has been the pattern much of my life. I suppose the battle is the most fierce the closer to the end you come. It's fierce right now in many ways. Relationships are in transition, work is in limbo, housing is out there too, and I'm in many ways as lost as the show.
This has been my life for nearly a year. I'm used to it now. Anger won't change things. Blame won't change things. Whining and sulking won't change things either. Truth is, returning to my faith may not change things either. At least it may not change things the way I want them too. Only change will change things. So, I'm going to roll with the punches. See where this all ends up. Life is exciting in a way I did not want it to be. Nevertheless, I am going to go with the uncertainty.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)