I WRITE

I write when there is no one to listen
I write when there is no one to talk

I write when I'm alone
when I'm troubled
when I have a vision or an epiphany
when there's no one but me....I write

Writing helps organize
It brings clarity
It relieves my anger
Lessens the sting

It's as though it were magic
It's mystical at the least
It takes me pain and hides it
It gives my brain relief

I write to save ideas
...thoughts and such
I'm not Jay-Z
Can't hold much

Writing is a gift, a blessing in disguise
It takes etherial thoughts and makes it plain to my eyes
What was once random thought, now something complete
Where once confusion, now something neat

I write when I'm graterful
I write when I'm blessed
I write when I'm worried
I write when I'm stressed

I write for the good
I write for the bad
I write when I'm happy
I write when I'm sad

I write when I'm outraged
I write when I'm in pain
I write when I feel like I'm going in sane
I write when I want to let out showers of rain

I can't seem to cry...
At least not from the eye
So I blead on the page
It is my world, my stage

If I couldn't release these thoughts I'd probably explode
I'd release a wrath, to this world unknown
Thank God for the Pen, the paper, the keys and the screen
I'm certain other writers know what I mean

I could go on forever
After all, I'm capturing thought
I'll spare you my endless rant
For there is a lot

My heart is full-love, pain, joy, despare
Thank God I can write When no one else is there
I write

I'D LIKE A VILLAIN

Most good stories have a clear villain and a clear hero.  I enjoy the simplistic morality of good and evil.  You know who to root for and who to root against.  I wrote some time ago about the nature of our modern day hero's.  They are more complex than in the past.  Their character is flawed, methods questionable, and in many ways they are complicated.  This muddies the waters of morality.  It's tough to build off of the examples of heroism when your hero toes the line closely associated with the nefarious.

I am reminded of these things because in my current state of heart break I honestly have to conclude that there is no villain.  There is no one to point the finger of wrongdoing and blame at.  There is no way of clearly juxtaposing myself against them.  There is no observable lesson to be learned outside of my own behavior and thoughts.

My friend and love has always maintained her aversion to a serious, long term relationship.  I knew this and took a chance, making a decision as an adult to pursue her.  I foolishly thought I was wearing her down with my gentleman ways.  I did things to surprise her, romance her, serve her, and respect her.  Despite my greatest efforts I have failed in my stated goal of winning her heart.  Despite my greatest efforts, her defenses our impregnable.

I could be dishonest and make my emotional pain all her fault.  I could say that she was heartless and played me for a fool for her own gain.  I could say that I was a stop-gap for downtime and entertainment.  However, none of that would be true.  Truth is, she was truthful, honest, and consistent throughout.  If any one played someone, it was me playing myself.  This is the reality.  Painful, embarrassing, and true....

A villain would be nice!  It would be a springboard for motivation.  Sadly (for me), no villain exist.  It is only the greatest enemy everyone of us face-THE ENEMY WITHIN.  That's not the enemy most of us want to face.  This foe is powerful.  He knows our every move, motivation, and trick.  I'd like a villain but I'm stuck with this guy....


 

EASY ANSWERS AND THE TRUTH

As is the proper response to painful life experience I've turned to my friends.  One friend is a pastor and approaches most all things as such.  Amidst our interactions he suggested that if I were to commit myself to God once again that I would find peace.  Although I think finding real faith and solace in God is both good and true, I heard something different.

Instead of hearing return to God for healing and restoration, I heard "this wouldn't have happened if you were walking with God.  Your relationships would be better if you were 'doing what the Lord wants you to do'."  My interpretation of what was being communicated may be way off base.  However, for the purposes of this post and processing I'm going to write on my original inclination.

I have been one who "walked with the Lord" in a way that it consumed me.  I really tried to order my life around God and faith.  I was thinking at most every moment, "is this what God wants me to do?"  Yet, the results were not a better life.  In fact, it may have resulted in an even more frustrating life as I was so uncertain of what I was doing at any given moment.  Nevertheless, my marriage ended in disastrous fashion, my heart was broken, my finances stomped on, and my outlook on life forever changed.

I bring this up because if I were to buy into what was being said I would be lead to believe that my life would find peace and satisfaction if I were to walk after God.  I can't tell you that's the truth according to my life experiences, observations, or by the Holy scriptures.  The Bible is explicit when Jesus says, "In this world you will have trouble."

I must say that a life of suffering, struggle, and "trouble," is not a life often preached on by our faith leaders.  If it is preached on, it is done in the context of soon to come victory or the power that is available to overcome.  It's very rare that suffering...lasting, ongoing, suffering, is talked about.  Yet, I contend that this is reality for many.

Recently, a friend of mine suffered a very painful happening in their life.  Their husband left them without notice, warning, or resources for living.  Even worse, they stuck them with massive amounts of debt and sought to do so through a shrewed legal maneuver.  My friend has dedicated her life to the service of God and man.  She has served as a missionary, raising her own funds to reach out to others.  Even after leaving the mission field she sought to serve others vocationally as a therapist.  Yet, her strong commitment and service unto God was not enough to thwart the harsh realities of unexpected calamities and pain.  Would one recommend that she would find peace by "doing right by the Lord?"  Hadn't she already sought to do so....?

It is my firm belief that our commitment to God does not impact the trials or smoothness of life with direct correlation.  I know people who openly and purposely defy God, even mocking him, and relatively speaking they have great lives-Money, travel, friends, influence, relationships, and opportunities.  At the same time I know people that are faithful servants of God who have unspeakable trouble.-Death, loneliness, grief, disease, and economic trials.  How do you explain that?  I honestly don't have an answer beyond the broken and sinful nature of our Earth.

I appreciate my friends response to my pain.  I know he was seeking to do good and provide direction for comfort.  At the same time, I know it's not typically that simple.  I think there is real value in seeking and serving God.  Real spirituality will give way to a connection with God that allows you to experience his presence in both good and bad.  I don't deny that.  What I do deny is that pain is avoidable simply by following God. 

STILL GROWING

The process of maturing is never ending.  I like to think I'm a rather mature individual for most part.  Yet, I have come to recognize that I have some major deficits in the emotions department.  As a young man I didn't date AT ALL.  My wife was really the first and only woman I had ever "dated."  The consequences of my lack of engagement of the opposite sex romantically has stunted my emotional/relational growth. 

Having never had my heart broken prior to the end of my marriage in a "relationship" has left me largely unprepared for rejection in such life scenarios.  I recently experienced my first heart break since the end of my marriage.  For the last year I have spent nearly all of my free time with one woman.  She is wonderful...caring, generous, playful, easy going, and a woman of faith.  Unfortunately, as much as our values mirror each other they differ in one particular area-Relationship.

My friend has no interest in ever being married again or in a committed relationship.  I thought this was emotional residue left over from a bad ending to her marriage and the obvious lack of lasting relationships since.  I was foolish enough to think that my gentleman ways could change her outlook.  For a while it seemed as though it were working.  She often told me she was very happy that I persisted in pursuing her and that although she didn't want a long term relationship I was, "wearing her down."

Things seem to be going well.  Our time together was effortless and fun.  We were rubbing off on each other in terms of our interest.  She was even contemplating introducing me to her family.  Then suddenly things seem to have changed.  She went on vacation (apparently a horrible thing for me in relationships) and when she returned something had changed.  She cancelled back-to-back dates, seemed distant, and in many ways disinterested.  She maintains nothing has changed but her actions and my gut were screaming something different. 

Things came to a head when I questioned her about our relationship and if I would ever have a chance to "capture her heart."  She replied with a scathing NO stating that she didn't feel as I did.  The nail in the coffin came in the next phrase when she said, "nor do I want to."  That was crushing to say the least.  I figured after a year you would know where things were going and apparently she did-NO WHERE!

So, here I am broken hearted once again.  My first response was a depressed like mood complete with an absence of sleep and lots of jealousy toward those with successful relationships.  This was all to reminiscent of an earlier time.  I walked around with a slow burning anger right beneath the surface.  I wondered where to go from here?

The longer I thought about it the more clear things became.  You can't force love, you can't make people love you if you don't.  That leaves me with one clear course of action; recover, heal, and move on.  I'm lead to believe that had I been more active in dating in my formative years I would be better prepared for this type of thing.  As it is, this is my "formation period."  This is my accelerated learning curve for emotional maturity.  I plan on pushing on, remaining civil, and caring.  After all, I do love this woman and that can't be pushed aside with a blink of an eye.  Hard as it is, maturation continues on.  I'm still growing... 

1 is...

1 is the loneliest number...This was a hit song back in the day.  I imagine it was popular because of the great truth it holds.  People were meant for connection and relationship.  It's not healthy to have extended periods of solitude.  It's also not healthy to have no one in  your life that you connect with and can be yourself.

I find myself at the loneliest number.  This has come to pass over time and all of a sudden all at once.  Over time, my friends have moved away.  They have moved out of the city, out of state, and in many ways out of common ground.  One of my last remaining friends in the city is moving to NC at the end of the summer.  Sadly, he seems to have moved already in some ways.

We were supposed to hang out yesterday.  Despite the fact I sent him a message, which is a common way of communication between us, he did not respond.  I would come to find that he was at the library puttsing around.  This has been the pattern of my friendships lately.  People seem to be busy doing nothing.  I've even gone to the point of offering to cover the cost of whatever activity we would engage in and I still can't draw their attention.

My other friend has made it clear that his girlfriend plays a major role in why we don't hang anymore.  We share very different values, opinions, and politics.  This isn't a problem for me.  However, her youthful immaturity (she's a decade younger) has not equipped her to hold different opinions and still be cordial, much less friends.  My friend has decided to cut his own nuts off and bow to her demands.  As sad as that is, I feel like "F'em."  If all it took was a woman to reduce our near 20 year friendship to brief and infrequent telephone contact, well.....what more be said.

That last piece of this lonely puzzle has to do with the focus of my affection.  I thought things were going well.  We were spending time together, laughing, and at one point she was very close to disclosing our relationship to her family.  Then she went on vacation and things haven't been the same since.  She has now cancelled on me twice, and completely ignored a request to spend time together.  I asked her what's up but she continues to give some lame excuse about being physically tired.  This, after a year....This is much more difficult than I intended.  At the same time, I'm moving toward "F her" too. 

I have learned the hard lesson that it does little good to fight for the attention of someone that simply has no interest.  I've seen this movie before.  It doesn't end well.  I'm gonna save my money and avoid the sad disappointment of losing time on a hopeless cause.  This all hurts like hell to be honest.  I haven't been sleeping well for about two weeks.  I have a mild tension of anger sitting just below the surface.  I don't like it when I get like this.  Yet, it has to run its course so I can move on.  1 is the loneliest number....I don't need a song to remind me of that.

A TURNING POINT

I'm at a point in my life where it's time to make or break.  I'll be 35 by the end of this year and for some reason it feels very, very old.  I feel as if I don't make a move now to create the life I want for myself then I will forever be stuck with the life I currently possess.  I had a dream a while ago about being 35.  It wasn't pleasant.  I felt as though life had passed me by.  I felt like I was out of time.  I felt like my window of opportunity had closed.

Don't get me wrong.  My life isn't really all that horrible.  In fact, I tend to believe that if I didn't have high hopes, aspirations and desires, that I would really enjoy my life as it is.  Some things have come around for me lately.  It looks like my house situation is finally going to be settled.  I just sent the paperwork in this week for our final agreement and the mortgage has returned to terms of when I first purchased it nearly six years ago.  That is a monumental happening.  I haven't been in a strong position with my home for nearly three years.  I'm certain the terms agreed upon will be the last change I make unless I move.

That bit of success was a fight.  A fight to the finish.  I had come so close to losing my home.  They went all the way to court and were in a position to take the home.  I on the other hand, returned to working retail (a job I hate in it's fashion of work).  I worked 70+ hour weeks at times.  I did so to save my home and support my children.  I wanted stability and to provide for them as I know I should as a man and as a father.  Whatever it took, I was willing to do it.

Now that I have walked up that mountain I'm not satisfied to just stay where I am.  I want so much more out of life.  I want to be able to lay out a future for my children economically that will provide them with momentum to propel my grandchildren to heights unseen by the previous generations.  I can only do this by first passing on my faith and my values to my children.  Secondly, by instilling in them a strong work ethic and understanding of how life works.  Thirdly, by doing my part to provide for them a life starting cushion that allows them to start life without the weights of debt on their backs.

With that in mind, I have to get to a place where I want it like I want breath (see video).  I have to eat, sleep, and drink my dreams.  I have to be focused and remain motivated.  I'm not one to endorse fanaticism (though I can be fanatical).  Yet, there is a need for drive and focus with balance.  I have a plan that I'm working on even as I write.  This is a plan that I have sought counsel on, explored my options, and is the clearest path to economic well being for now and in the long run.

I still have plans to pursue my other dreams as well.  They too are in the works.  I've put my hand to the plow.  Now, I have remember there is no turning back.  I hope you find the video inspiritational.  I hope you find a dream that causes you to focus.  More than find your dream, I hope you are able to obtain it.  HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT?

I write when I need to

I haven't been writing lately. There are a number of reasons for this. The first is that I just haven't had the time to do so. Working two jobs and having my kids during pretty much any free time I may come across is pretty exhausting. As such, I have allowed my blog to lay unattended.

Today is different. I'm pissed off and disgruntle. Despite my best efforts to proceed forward in life and do the right thing, every single plan, attempt, or move is thwarted by this unseen force. A few weeks back my water tank blew out and I was forced to pay for parts and labor in a way that was significant to my finances. Prior to that happening I was in strong financial shape, relatively speaking, and was well on my way to executing my plan. Since that time it has been one financial disaster after another with no let up.

Yet, and still I continue to fight on. I continue to negotiate, schedule, and reschedule as needed to get this train back on track. As of this moment arrangements have been made to weather the storm as it currently passes through. Who's to say what will come tomorrow, next week, or next month. I anticipate a need for a new vehicle much sooner than I had planned as my car has struggled to start on occasion, needing some prodding like a fatted cow. Needless to say, I'm not in a position to purchase a vehicle via cash and I don't want or need a new car payment.

Such is my life. I press on to make the best of things, hopeful, only to get the worst of things, crushed and discouraged. That's why I'm writing today. I needed to let my fingers release the anger that is pent up inside of me. I needed to put my thoughts on paper, however brief. I hope one day I can look back on these times and laugh as to how hopeless it all seemed. Truth is, I've been longing to look back on hopeless days for far too long. Nevertheless, I press on for I know no other way.

It's here to stay

My heart hurts
My head even more
How do you come to despise the one you used to adore?
You held em' high, they took it low
Burnin' won't stop, it burns so slow

I don't know what to do
I don't know where to go
You try to do right
But their an aggressive foe

You fight with your mind
You fight with your prayers
You're even fighting when all you do is stare

The pain is deep
Deeper than an ocean
This time size matters
It's all emotion

It's an invisible fence
Trapped inside your mind
Now you're bound
Don't know how to break this bind

This too shall pass
At least that's what they say
You can't wait for forever
The pain is here today

I'm a stay strong
I know no other way
Pain becomes my companion
It seems like it's here to stay

I'll keep pressing on
I can't give up
I got to keep my head high
Never give up

Crocker Chronicle: Why Single Women Need To Wait For The Right Man

This is a great article! I hope you find it helpful...

Crocker Chronicle: Why Single Women Need To Wait For The Right Man: Photo Credit: de.laina Here are some challenging thoughts from Ruthie Dean urging single women to wait on the right mate by being the r...

Some Good News

I made my February mortgage payment two days ago. That's a whole 5 days early. Probably not a big deal for many people but it was for more. More than that, it was a great feeling to pay my mortgage and not feel like I just put a noose around my bank accounts neck. Add to that, the fact that my car note and utilities are all current and you have one happy camper!

It has taken some doing to get to this point. I picked up a second job doing the type of work I despised as a young man. When I look back I see that it was my immaturity and sense of entitlement that made me hate it. I rarely find my mind whispering words of complaint when I'm at work because quite frankly, it's a breeze. That's not to say that it's easy just to say that it's not rocket science.

Please be certain that I'm working hard. On the high end I work about 70+ hours a week. Right now I'm looking more like 55 hours a week. The sacrifice of time and sleep have paid off in the sense of peace and knowing I can meet my responsibilities. I would love to have a single job that allowed me to do the same. Yet, I'm thankful for this opportunity given to me by God to do what must be done.

I'm hopeful that I can maintain this job until something higher paying comes along or at least until the summer months hit (that's when my daughter will no longer suck nearly $400 a month out of my pocket for childcare). If not, I will get back on my grind once again and find another way to make it. I'm thankful for this moment in time. I'm going to sit back (figuratively speaking) and enjoy it.

THE POWER OF SEX

A couple of weeks ago I was listening to one of my favorite radio personalities, Dennis Prager. He was talking about men and sex. During his broadcast he took a moment to reflect on President Clinton and what took place in the oval office. He did not comment on the scandal as much as he focused on the incredible power sex has in the lives of men.

Prager stated that as President of the most powerful country and leader of the free world, President Clinton had it all. Yet, he was willing to risk all of this for sex. Many like to frame the situation as one where power had gone to the President's head (no pun intended) and therefore he took advantage. However, I think the truth is that sex has a gravitational pull unlike anything known to man. Woman tend to have a difficult time grasping this (And I don't care how much you claim to love sex, you don't experience it as a man does).

What on earth would a man risk all of his power, prestige, reputation, and future on? Nothing comes to mind. Sex has such a power that it defies rational thinking and leaves many asking what they were thinking after the fact. President Clinton is not the only man this has happened too. I often say that apart from the power of God, no man can overcome his passiona and desires for sex.

I can attest in my own life that I have taken substantial risk when it comes to sex. Things I look back on and wonder how I could have ever considered such actions, much less executed them. Such things are in many ways shameful. Yet, when I think about them I find that I sense the power that was present in those moments. I have had friends confess their shame and even disgust by their own thoughts and actions. They too found themselves wrapped in the web of pornographic seduction.

Men have risked disease, pregnancy, destruction of family, destruction of career, loss of fortune and financial stability, and on and on.... I have to believe that the sex drive of men has been blown way out of proportion by the fall of man. I can't imagine being this way in the Garden of Eden walking around naked. We wouldn't know what to do with ourselves. That is why it is so necessary for men to recognize it's power and our need for external power to overcome it. Much like water, fire, or wind....sex can be your friend and your enemy.

FRIEND....

It's been a while since I've written. It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's just that I haven't been interested in putting it in print. I find myself in a mood to write this evening so I will share a few thoughts on dating. These are likely thoughts I've shared before. If you have heard this before I apologize. Nevertheless, I write...

I have found in recent weeks that the issue of friendship is a barrier to the progression of romantic relationships. This has always been an odd practice to me. I can not imagine why a person would not date a man or woman because they are a "friend." After all, when I hear people madly in love or celebrating anniversaries I always hear a clear declaration that the focus of that love is the "best friend" of the lover. Despite this common affirmation or declaration, time and time again people claim they won't pursue love and happiness because one is a friend.

It defies logic in some ways. Think of this, I'm searching for someone that I can love, someone that will be a friend...However, I disqualify all those that I know to be friends already. What sense does that make? Zero. Truth is, this is rarely an issue for men. Men view such relationships as bridges, not barriers. At the same time women seem to hide behind this. I have considered that this is all garbage.

I deduct that there may be a truth that lies beneath the surface that is brutal, if not outright offensive. I believe that women use the "friend" tag as a nice way of saying I'm not attracted to you. Reason being, I see women pursue friends on a regular basis. Such men seem to hold a trait that passes for surface attraction. Perhaps, they have something deeper. Nevertheless, I will no longer believe the statement, "it's because we're friends." I simply don't believe it.