I WRITE

I write when there is no one to listen
I write when there is no one to talk

I write when I'm alone
when I'm troubled
when I have a vision or an epiphany
when there's no one but me....I write

Writing helps organize
It brings clarity
It relieves my anger
Lessens the sting

It's as though it were magic
It's mystical at the least
It takes me pain and hides it
It gives my brain relief

I write to save ideas
...thoughts and such
I'm not Jay-Z
Can't hold much

Writing is a gift, a blessing in disguise
It takes etherial thoughts and makes it plain to my eyes
What was once random thought, now something complete
Where once confusion, now something neat

I write when I'm graterful
I write when I'm blessed
I write when I'm worried
I write when I'm stressed

I write for the good
I write for the bad
I write when I'm happy
I write when I'm sad

I write when I'm outraged
I write when I'm in pain
I write when I feel like I'm going in sane
I write when I want to let out showers of rain

I can't seem to cry...
At least not from the eye
So I blead on the page
It is my world, my stage

If I couldn't release these thoughts I'd probably explode
I'd release a wrath, to this world unknown
Thank God for the Pen, the paper, the keys and the screen
I'm certain other writers know what I mean

I could go on forever
After all, I'm capturing thought
I'll spare you my endless rant
For there is a lot

My heart is full-love, pain, joy, despare
Thank God I can write When no one else is there
I write

I'D LIKE A VILLAIN

Most good stories have a clear villain and a clear hero.  I enjoy the simplistic morality of good and evil.  You know who to root for and who to root against.  I wrote some time ago about the nature of our modern day hero's.  They are more complex than in the past.  Their character is flawed, methods questionable, and in many ways they are complicated.  This muddies the waters of morality.  It's tough to build off of the examples of heroism when your hero toes the line closely associated with the nefarious.

I am reminded of these things because in my current state of heart break I honestly have to conclude that there is no villain.  There is no one to point the finger of wrongdoing and blame at.  There is no way of clearly juxtaposing myself against them.  There is no observable lesson to be learned outside of my own behavior and thoughts.

My friend and love has always maintained her aversion to a serious, long term relationship.  I knew this and took a chance, making a decision as an adult to pursue her.  I foolishly thought I was wearing her down with my gentleman ways.  I did things to surprise her, romance her, serve her, and respect her.  Despite my greatest efforts I have failed in my stated goal of winning her heart.  Despite my greatest efforts, her defenses our impregnable.

I could be dishonest and make my emotional pain all her fault.  I could say that she was heartless and played me for a fool for her own gain.  I could say that I was a stop-gap for downtime and entertainment.  However, none of that would be true.  Truth is, she was truthful, honest, and consistent throughout.  If any one played someone, it was me playing myself.  This is the reality.  Painful, embarrassing, and true....

A villain would be nice!  It would be a springboard for motivation.  Sadly (for me), no villain exist.  It is only the greatest enemy everyone of us face-THE ENEMY WITHIN.  That's not the enemy most of us want to face.  This foe is powerful.  He knows our every move, motivation, and trick.  I'd like a villain but I'm stuck with this guy....


 

EASY ANSWERS AND THE TRUTH

As is the proper response to painful life experience I've turned to my friends.  One friend is a pastor and approaches most all things as such.  Amidst our interactions he suggested that if I were to commit myself to God once again that I would find peace.  Although I think finding real faith and solace in God is both good and true, I heard something different.

Instead of hearing return to God for healing and restoration, I heard "this wouldn't have happened if you were walking with God.  Your relationships would be better if you were 'doing what the Lord wants you to do'."  My interpretation of what was being communicated may be way off base.  However, for the purposes of this post and processing I'm going to write on my original inclination.

I have been one who "walked with the Lord" in a way that it consumed me.  I really tried to order my life around God and faith.  I was thinking at most every moment, "is this what God wants me to do?"  Yet, the results were not a better life.  In fact, it may have resulted in an even more frustrating life as I was so uncertain of what I was doing at any given moment.  Nevertheless, my marriage ended in disastrous fashion, my heart was broken, my finances stomped on, and my outlook on life forever changed.

I bring this up because if I were to buy into what was being said I would be lead to believe that my life would find peace and satisfaction if I were to walk after God.  I can't tell you that's the truth according to my life experiences, observations, or by the Holy scriptures.  The Bible is explicit when Jesus says, "In this world you will have trouble."

I must say that a life of suffering, struggle, and "trouble," is not a life often preached on by our faith leaders.  If it is preached on, it is done in the context of soon to come victory or the power that is available to overcome.  It's very rare that suffering...lasting, ongoing, suffering, is talked about.  Yet, I contend that this is reality for many.

Recently, a friend of mine suffered a very painful happening in their life.  Their husband left them without notice, warning, or resources for living.  Even worse, they stuck them with massive amounts of debt and sought to do so through a shrewed legal maneuver.  My friend has dedicated her life to the service of God and man.  She has served as a missionary, raising her own funds to reach out to others.  Even after leaving the mission field she sought to serve others vocationally as a therapist.  Yet, her strong commitment and service unto God was not enough to thwart the harsh realities of unexpected calamities and pain.  Would one recommend that she would find peace by "doing right by the Lord?"  Hadn't she already sought to do so....?

It is my firm belief that our commitment to God does not impact the trials or smoothness of life with direct correlation.  I know people who openly and purposely defy God, even mocking him, and relatively speaking they have great lives-Money, travel, friends, influence, relationships, and opportunities.  At the same time I know people that are faithful servants of God who have unspeakable trouble.-Death, loneliness, grief, disease, and economic trials.  How do you explain that?  I honestly don't have an answer beyond the broken and sinful nature of our Earth.

I appreciate my friends response to my pain.  I know he was seeking to do good and provide direction for comfort.  At the same time, I know it's not typically that simple.  I think there is real value in seeking and serving God.  Real spirituality will give way to a connection with God that allows you to experience his presence in both good and bad.  I don't deny that.  What I do deny is that pain is avoidable simply by following God. 

STILL GROWING

The process of maturing is never ending.  I like to think I'm a rather mature individual for most part.  Yet, I have come to recognize that I have some major deficits in the emotions department.  As a young man I didn't date AT ALL.  My wife was really the first and only woman I had ever "dated."  The consequences of my lack of engagement of the opposite sex romantically has stunted my emotional/relational growth. 

Having never had my heart broken prior to the end of my marriage in a "relationship" has left me largely unprepared for rejection in such life scenarios.  I recently experienced my first heart break since the end of my marriage.  For the last year I have spent nearly all of my free time with one woman.  She is wonderful...caring, generous, playful, easy going, and a woman of faith.  Unfortunately, as much as our values mirror each other they differ in one particular area-Relationship.

My friend has no interest in ever being married again or in a committed relationship.  I thought this was emotional residue left over from a bad ending to her marriage and the obvious lack of lasting relationships since.  I was foolish enough to think that my gentleman ways could change her outlook.  For a while it seemed as though it were working.  She often told me she was very happy that I persisted in pursuing her and that although she didn't want a long term relationship I was, "wearing her down."

Things seem to be going well.  Our time together was effortless and fun.  We were rubbing off on each other in terms of our interest.  She was even contemplating introducing me to her family.  Then suddenly things seem to have changed.  She went on vacation (apparently a horrible thing for me in relationships) and when she returned something had changed.  She cancelled back-to-back dates, seemed distant, and in many ways disinterested.  She maintains nothing has changed but her actions and my gut were screaming something different. 

Things came to a head when I questioned her about our relationship and if I would ever have a chance to "capture her heart."  She replied with a scathing NO stating that she didn't feel as I did.  The nail in the coffin came in the next phrase when she said, "nor do I want to."  That was crushing to say the least.  I figured after a year you would know where things were going and apparently she did-NO WHERE!

So, here I am broken hearted once again.  My first response was a depressed like mood complete with an absence of sleep and lots of jealousy toward those with successful relationships.  This was all to reminiscent of an earlier time.  I walked around with a slow burning anger right beneath the surface.  I wondered where to go from here?

The longer I thought about it the more clear things became.  You can't force love, you can't make people love you if you don't.  That leaves me with one clear course of action; recover, heal, and move on.  I'm lead to believe that had I been more active in dating in my formative years I would be better prepared for this type of thing.  As it is, this is my "formation period."  This is my accelerated learning curve for emotional maturity.  I plan on pushing on, remaining civil, and caring.  After all, I do love this woman and that can't be pushed aside with a blink of an eye.  Hard as it is, maturation continues on.  I'm still growing... 

1 is...

1 is the loneliest number...This was a hit song back in the day.  I imagine it was popular because of the great truth it holds.  People were meant for connection and relationship.  It's not healthy to have extended periods of solitude.  It's also not healthy to have no one in  your life that you connect with and can be yourself.

I find myself at the loneliest number.  This has come to pass over time and all of a sudden all at once.  Over time, my friends have moved away.  They have moved out of the city, out of state, and in many ways out of common ground.  One of my last remaining friends in the city is moving to NC at the end of the summer.  Sadly, he seems to have moved already in some ways.

We were supposed to hang out yesterday.  Despite the fact I sent him a message, which is a common way of communication between us, he did not respond.  I would come to find that he was at the library puttsing around.  This has been the pattern of my friendships lately.  People seem to be busy doing nothing.  I've even gone to the point of offering to cover the cost of whatever activity we would engage in and I still can't draw their attention.

My other friend has made it clear that his girlfriend plays a major role in why we don't hang anymore.  We share very different values, opinions, and politics.  This isn't a problem for me.  However, her youthful immaturity (she's a decade younger) has not equipped her to hold different opinions and still be cordial, much less friends.  My friend has decided to cut his own nuts off and bow to her demands.  As sad as that is, I feel like "F'em."  If all it took was a woman to reduce our near 20 year friendship to brief and infrequent telephone contact, well.....what more be said.

That last piece of this lonely puzzle has to do with the focus of my affection.  I thought things were going well.  We were spending time together, laughing, and at one point she was very close to disclosing our relationship to her family.  Then she went on vacation and things haven't been the same since.  She has now cancelled on me twice, and completely ignored a request to spend time together.  I asked her what's up but she continues to give some lame excuse about being physically tired.  This, after a year....This is much more difficult than I intended.  At the same time, I'm moving toward "F her" too. 

I have learned the hard lesson that it does little good to fight for the attention of someone that simply has no interest.  I've seen this movie before.  It doesn't end well.  I'm gonna save my money and avoid the sad disappointment of losing time on a hopeless cause.  This all hurts like hell to be honest.  I haven't been sleeping well for about two weeks.  I have a mild tension of anger sitting just below the surface.  I don't like it when I get like this.  Yet, it has to run its course so I can move on.  1 is the loneliest number....I don't need a song to remind me of that.