Mad Men

During the Christmas Holiday season, my cousin turned me on to the AMC show "Mad Men."  I remember when it was all the rage.  I tend to be ten steps behind when it comes to television and series and actually prefer to wait until it has run it's course so I can watch it all at once.  Since this show fit that description I was on board to take a look.

I was instantly hooked by the show.  More than the story, it was the stunning beauty of the women they featured as characters.  These women were classy dames from the sixties.  The art director for the show did an impressive job with wardrobe and settings and you were instantly transported back in time to the crazy and wild, civil rights movement, free loving, sixties.  It was a time of transition.

The show has a number of complex story lines.  The main character is a classic man.  He's tall, dark, hansom, and mysterious.  His background is muddied and no one really knows who the man is, not even his wife.  He's a womanizer, a hard drinker, selfish and self serving in most things, and does not show a hint of faith in God whatsoever.  Yet, he's an attractive and appealing character.  Despite all of his flaws I don't think I know any men that wouldn't want to be him, nor women that wouldn't want to be with him.  He is a sympathetic character.

You latch onto him because he's front and center.  He has traits that you desire or can relate to.  There are times when he is caring and goes against the grain for the good.  Those are rare but they are frequent enough to make you think there's a good guy somewhere inside.  The other reason he's so appealing is that not one single character on the show seems to have the gravitational pull that comes with moral based leadership-THERE IS NO CLEAR CUT GOOD GUY.

This seems to be representative of our modern day society.  It is hard to find people that are driven by their strong character, working for the greater good.  It is a dog eat dog world and we have invented tools to aid us in our consumption of one another.  The show is reflective of this.  There are twist and turns made at every scene.  There are moves made to steal a wife, a husband, a job, a company, a life....it's really crazy.

I despise the reality of the show and how society is represented on the screen.  Yet, I'm intrigued by this real life drama playing itself out through the various characters of ill repute.  I find that I'm a bi-polar mess when it comes to the main character, Don Draper.  One minute I love him and he's my hero-the everyman.  The next, I despise him because as one of his foils stated, "you have everything and so much of it and you treat it like nothing."  I hate that!  I know people like that in the real world and it drives me crazy because they can't see struggle, the pain, the bloody fist left from banging on the glass ceiling.

From the internal side of things, I get a kick out of the fact that I like a show called "Mad Men."  I believe it is a play on words (one being the men Madison Ave.).  Yet, I'm a "Mad Man" in most every sense of the word.  Mad at myself, mad at the world, mad at society, and mad in the psychological sense.  I keep watching the show hoping for some kind of resolution to take place, for redemption.  The further I delve into the series the less hope I have of such a resolution coming about.  Much like my life at this point in time...the further I go the less hope I have of resolution on this side of heaven.  I suppose I will continue to be a Mad Man.

Piss and Vinegar

When the phone was picked up by my co-worker I did my typical morning greeting, "Good morning!  How are you?"  I did not expect the response I received, "Full of piss and vinegar."  This was a phrase I had not heard in quite some time.  Far as I know, people in my generation don't often use this phrase.  It's kind of a throwback line.  So much so, I had to stop laughing before I could continue our conversation.

My co-worker would go on to inform me that she was frustrated with work, the type of work she is doing, and the ever changing atmosphere (for the worse).  I could relate because I too have been less than satisfied with work as of late.  It has become a place full of people that major in the minors with a punitive perspective towards it's employees.  Little did I know just a few days later I too would employ the "piss and vinegar" phrase for my own mood.

Last night I slowly became enraged by my current place in the lives of others.  I find myself once again doing all the "right things," but getting all the wrong results.  The most recent of these events is once again a failure in love.  The woman that has my heart disappeared during the most painful crisis since my wife abandoned me, the passing of my grandmother.  She would periodically check in on me but this may go longer than a week.  She was not in a hurry to spend time with me after my return from the funeral.  And when I asked for affirmation of our relationship, she invited me to leave.  Things haven't been the same since.

I have been a roller coaster ride of emotions.  Sorrow, hatred, jealousy, envy, relief, temporary peace, and back again.  The woman I love offered an apology accompanied with a slew of compliments; "You're a great guy, fun to be around, funny, I genuinely enjoy your company, I'm thankful you're a part of my life no matter how things work out, you're respectful, you know how to treat a woman, and if anyone deserves love you do."  She even pulled the "it's not you, it's me" card out.

At the same time, she continues to send mixed signals.  We had not spoken for quite some time.  Yet, when I called for a truce, she called me on the phone (something she never, ever, ever, does).  This happened on two occasions.  Once from her home and once while on break at her job.  Both times we spoke for at least and hour.  This was so unordinary her kids asked who she was speaking with because she "never talks to anyone that long on the phone." She commented how easy it was to talk to me and that her missed my company.  After not hearing from me for three days she even checked in to see if I was ok.  She said she thought something was seriously wrong with me.

Despite the renewed airways of communication  and her expressed concern for my well-being, when I asked her to join me for an evening out she refuses.  She offers some lame excuse about how she wants to say "yes" but has trepidation.  Who wants to be with someone but doesn't want to be with them because they may desire more time after the fact?  I don't spend time with people I'm hoping not to see any more.  That's just asinine and foolish.  Nevertheless there I was, rejected and "full of piss and vinegar."

All the rage, disappointment, bewilderment, anger, anxiety, and questions flooded my head.  How can you love to be with someone and not want to be with them?  I used to see this happen to white people in college.  Both parties crying tears of sorrow as they declared they loved one another but could no longer be together.  What the Hell is that?  I love you and you love me, but we can't be together for no other reason that we say so...I used to think how foolish can you be?  Truthfully, I still think how foolish can you be?

This is a phenomena I will never understand.  This is an anger that is increasingly more and more difficult to swallow.  I have the most brief moments of peace and clarity but it is temporary, if not outright fake.  Like a house of cards my emotional stability does not hold up to the slightest of breezes these days.  It's kind of sad in a lot of ways.  I find myself unable to control my thoughts and feelings right now.  I am at the mercy, or lack thereof, of my broken heart.

The piss and vinegar rose to such a level last night I could feel it in my chest.  I was grocery shopping and had to fight the strong urge to purchase alcohol to quench my pain.  I was successful in escaping the store, not so much with the booze.  Early this morning around 1:00AM, I remembered I had a bottle of pino grigio given to me by a dear friend.  It was his own homemade brand and my intentions were to share it with someone special, the woman I love.  I knew last night no such occasion to share with the woman I love would be presenting itself anytime soon.  So I popped the cork and consumed the entire bottle.

The pino grigio did the trick.  My mood lightened and eventually, some three hours later, I was able to fall asleep.  I knew it was not a positive to turn to the bottle to seek relief.  It's a tell tale sign of alcoholism to do so.  Yet, I needed something to take the edge off and the gym was not available to me last night.  There comes a point where you just want to survive and that's what I did.  Full of piss, vinegar, rejection, pain, remorse, and insomnia, I survived.  Remnants of piss and vinegar are still swirling around in my system, but it had to swirl while I slept.

A Tip of my Hat to the Sistah's

If you've read any of my early post you might've gotten the sense that I favor white women over black women.  I can't lie, for a while I did.  At least what I knew of white women at the time I did.  I have a new perspective, anecdotal albeit, on white women.  A frightening trend has begun to develop in my world as I engage both black and white women.

In earlier post, I applauded the general culture of white women over the general culture of black women as it pertains specifically to romantic relationships.  I was giving white women, their culture at least, it's due because they did not seem to bring the type of unrealistic pressures and expectations to a relationship that black women did.  White women seemed to be able to except men just as they were.  They didn't seem pushy, but supportive.  They didn't seem judgemental, but understanding.  They didn't seem to be all about the Benjamin's....well at least not in the same way.

If you talk to the sistah's, they will generally let you know that there will be no romance without finance.  When I talk to sistah's they all seem to comment on how they want a man with "ambition, goals, and drive."  I often ask the question if goals and ambition must be realized or just present in the man's life?  The conversation normally falls apart at that point.  Nevertheless, I'm pretty hard on my black sistah's because of this focus on the external materialism. 

Lately, I've come across white women that don't mention finance on the front end of the discussion but it's definitely present if you read between the lines.  I first noticed it when white women would comment on how great a guy is that they have in their life and how he wants to marry them.  Despite the man's greatness, the women were leary to move forward.  When I dug deeper, they would finally come clean with the truth-IT'S ABOUT THE FINANCES. 

In these cases it seems to be more about the personal finances of the woman as opposed to the finances of the man.  These women were concerned about the possibility of personal loss.  It might seem more noble to be concerned about your own money instead of "his" money, but I don't find solace in either perspective.  If you are on the other side of the coin, protecting your assets, you have simply given justification to the concern men have for gold digging women.  If you're on the other side, looking to make a come up on the man, then you're simply a gold digger.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  Women were turning down love, or at least putting it on hold, because of their personal balance sheets.  I didn't know women did that (naivete on my part).  What might be worse, is the fact that if these men were men of considerable means, these women's concern for their own personal financial safety would not longer be an issue.  Hence, they are gold diggers.  Just diggers on a higher level because of what they bring to the table.

Add to this issue the fact that many of these women have been married before and have little or no interest in the institution, makes for an even more complicated romance maze.  Those previously married seem to treat men as though they were disposable.  They have a "take it or leave it" attitude about relationships.  They really can't explain their stance except to say, "My heart is black."  I have a bit of a theory on this based on economics.

The economic mobility of women has created a climate in which women make equal or greater funds than men.  Add to that the fact that women can acceptably live at home at near any age, tend to get a great deal more support from parents, have a plethora of social programs including scholarships and the like, and if men are still men-have their meals paid for while on dates, women are in a strong economic position.  Since women don't need a man to balance the household spreadsheet, men are now an expendable pleasure.

I give sistah's their due because even the most well off sishah seems to still desire love and marriage in their life.  This seems to be a cultural piece lost on my Caucasian sisters.  White women are moving towards a "one and done" mentality.  That means if you're not first in line, you might as well not be in line at all.  It's a sad place to be in a many ways.  Either you get first dibs, you deal with the pressure and attitude, or you succumb to a life of no commitment and every changing bed fellows.  Not much of a choice if you ask me.

Under Developed Beauty

A friend of mine sent me a text message today commenting on the beautiful women he was encountering at his local Wendy's restaurant.  I, in turn, replied that there are so many beautiful women in the world.  Oddly enough, I was standing in line at a McDonald's during the text exchange admiring the beauty of the staff and patrons alike.

I started to think about beauty and what makes a person attractive?  In our American culture there seems to be two primary factors in beauty.  Physical appearance and finance.  Typically women possess the physical appearance and men bring finance to the table (not that the two can't be switched but I'm speaking in generalities.  Sadly, these are surface issues. 

Take notice that these don't touch the heart, the soul, the character, the mind of a man or woman.  I too am guilty of succumbing to the outward nature of our culture and letting that lead me as I survey the land of available women.  Yet, beauty will not sustain a relationship (finance won't either, but it can destroy a relationship).  The inner man, the traits of the soul and spirit, are what sustains a relationship.  I think it is our lack of interest in these things that has a our divorce rate at %
50%.

We have an internal problem.  When mother Theresa visited our nation she made the statement that, "Never in all the world have I seen such poverty as I see here."  That's a stunning comment when you think about the fact that she served the poorest people in the world in Calcutta India.  She would go on to clarify our poverty by stating that we suffer from poverty of the soul.  I think this is reflected daily in our relationships, be it romantic or otherwise. 

We spend so much time trying to develop the external person.  We work out.  We eat healthy.  We buy the name brands.  We put on make up.  We get weekly haircuts (daily for the very wealthy or very foolish).  We even want our mate to match our "swag."  It's about the car we drive, the house we live in, the money we make, the friends we keep.  Almost nothing is given to the inner man unless we have been told it will improve the outer appearance. 

This type of unbalanced focus on externals has lead to an under-developed beauty, people that live a life outside of themselves.  I have met many a "fine" woman that has transformed into something hideous before my very eyes because the darkness of her soul has found a crack, and seeped out for all to see. I've known men that have all the physical qualities of a Denzel Washington, yet they are among the most selfish, inconsiderate, men in all the world.

If this continues to be the way of our nation and of our people, we will continue to see a decline in meaningful, trusting, relationships of any kind.  We will waste our outer beauty because we neglected the more important things of the soul.  We will miss out on the true riches of our world, each other, if we chase raw materials that mold and fade away.  I hope that we will see the follies of our ways and become fully developed people. 

I WRITE

I write when there is no one to listen
I write when there is no one to talk

I write when I'm alone
when I'm troubled
when I have a vision or an epiphany
when there's no one but me....I write

Writing helps organize
It brings clarity
It relieves my anger
Lessens the sting

It's as though it were magic
It's mystical at the least
It takes me pain and hides it
It gives my brain relief

I write to save ideas
...thoughts and such
I'm not Jay-Z
Can't hold much

Writing is a gift, a blessing in disguise
It takes etherial thoughts and makes it plain to my eyes
What was once random thought, now something complete
Where once confusion, now something neat

I write when I'm graterful
I write when I'm blessed
I write when I'm worried
I write when I'm stressed

I write for the good
I write for the bad
I write when I'm happy
I write when I'm sad

I write when I'm outraged
I write when I'm in pain
I write when I feel like I'm going in sane
I write when I want to let out showers of rain

I can't seem to cry...
At least not from the eye
So I blead on the page
It is my world, my stage

If I couldn't release these thoughts I'd probably explode
I'd release a wrath, to this world unknown
Thank God for the Pen, the paper, the keys and the screen
I'm certain other writers know what I mean

I could go on forever
After all, I'm capturing thought
I'll spare you my endless rant
For there is a lot

My heart is full-love, pain, joy, despare
Thank God I can write When no one else is there
I write

I'D LIKE A VILLAIN

Most good stories have a clear villain and a clear hero.  I enjoy the simplistic morality of good and evil.  You know who to root for and who to root against.  I wrote some time ago about the nature of our modern day hero's.  They are more complex than in the past.  Their character is flawed, methods questionable, and in many ways they are complicated.  This muddies the waters of morality.  It's tough to build off of the examples of heroism when your hero toes the line closely associated with the nefarious.

I am reminded of these things because in my current state of heart break I honestly have to conclude that there is no villain.  There is no one to point the finger of wrongdoing and blame at.  There is no way of clearly juxtaposing myself against them.  There is no observable lesson to be learned outside of my own behavior and thoughts.

My friend and love has always maintained her aversion to a serious, long term relationship.  I knew this and took a chance, making a decision as an adult to pursue her.  I foolishly thought I was wearing her down with my gentleman ways.  I did things to surprise her, romance her, serve her, and respect her.  Despite my greatest efforts I have failed in my stated goal of winning her heart.  Despite my greatest efforts, her defenses our impregnable.

I could be dishonest and make my emotional pain all her fault.  I could say that she was heartless and played me for a fool for her own gain.  I could say that I was a stop-gap for downtime and entertainment.  However, none of that would be true.  Truth is, she was truthful, honest, and consistent throughout.  If any one played someone, it was me playing myself.  This is the reality.  Painful, embarrassing, and true....

A villain would be nice!  It would be a springboard for motivation.  Sadly (for me), no villain exist.  It is only the greatest enemy everyone of us face-THE ENEMY WITHIN.  That's not the enemy most of us want to face.  This foe is powerful.  He knows our every move, motivation, and trick.  I'd like a villain but I'm stuck with this guy....


 

EASY ANSWERS AND THE TRUTH

As is the proper response to painful life experience I've turned to my friends.  One friend is a pastor and approaches most all things as such.  Amidst our interactions he suggested that if I were to commit myself to God once again that I would find peace.  Although I think finding real faith and solace in God is both good and true, I heard something different.

Instead of hearing return to God for healing and restoration, I heard "this wouldn't have happened if you were walking with God.  Your relationships would be better if you were 'doing what the Lord wants you to do'."  My interpretation of what was being communicated may be way off base.  However, for the purposes of this post and processing I'm going to write on my original inclination.

I have been one who "walked with the Lord" in a way that it consumed me.  I really tried to order my life around God and faith.  I was thinking at most every moment, "is this what God wants me to do?"  Yet, the results were not a better life.  In fact, it may have resulted in an even more frustrating life as I was so uncertain of what I was doing at any given moment.  Nevertheless, my marriage ended in disastrous fashion, my heart was broken, my finances stomped on, and my outlook on life forever changed.

I bring this up because if I were to buy into what was being said I would be lead to believe that my life would find peace and satisfaction if I were to walk after God.  I can't tell you that's the truth according to my life experiences, observations, or by the Holy scriptures.  The Bible is explicit when Jesus says, "In this world you will have trouble."

I must say that a life of suffering, struggle, and "trouble," is not a life often preached on by our faith leaders.  If it is preached on, it is done in the context of soon to come victory or the power that is available to overcome.  It's very rare that suffering...lasting, ongoing, suffering, is talked about.  Yet, I contend that this is reality for many.

Recently, a friend of mine suffered a very painful happening in their life.  Their husband left them without notice, warning, or resources for living.  Even worse, they stuck them with massive amounts of debt and sought to do so through a shrewed legal maneuver.  My friend has dedicated her life to the service of God and man.  She has served as a missionary, raising her own funds to reach out to others.  Even after leaving the mission field she sought to serve others vocationally as a therapist.  Yet, her strong commitment and service unto God was not enough to thwart the harsh realities of unexpected calamities and pain.  Would one recommend that she would find peace by "doing right by the Lord?"  Hadn't she already sought to do so....?

It is my firm belief that our commitment to God does not impact the trials or smoothness of life with direct correlation.  I know people who openly and purposely defy God, even mocking him, and relatively speaking they have great lives-Money, travel, friends, influence, relationships, and opportunities.  At the same time I know people that are faithful servants of God who have unspeakable trouble.-Death, loneliness, grief, disease, and economic trials.  How do you explain that?  I honestly don't have an answer beyond the broken and sinful nature of our Earth.

I appreciate my friends response to my pain.  I know he was seeking to do good and provide direction for comfort.  At the same time, I know it's not typically that simple.  I think there is real value in seeking and serving God.  Real spirituality will give way to a connection with God that allows you to experience his presence in both good and bad.  I don't deny that.  What I do deny is that pain is avoidable simply by following God.