My Life Sucks

With each new day comes new information as to how much my life sucks. There are a myriad of issues that I just can't disclose at this time as I have no idea how I'm going to proceed nor how they will ultimately effect others. There are issues that I face personally, issues that my family is facing, issues that my friends are facing, and the general state of life in American at this time.

I have no idea or thoughts on my own personal future. I don't particularly care for my job or the politics surrounding it at this time. I hate where I live but I don't see a way out that I can sleep with at this time. I think I need a new career but opportunities are few and far between. I've come to find at various moments that my family has some pretty warped opinions of me and I don't really care for them much anymore.

I have financial issues that are simply outpacing my efforts. I have a second job that I'm thankful to have but bores me to death. I come to an agreement to address my issues only to have them changed in the writing of the contract and back to the drawing board all over again as though that conversation never took place. I seem to make head way at work only to have it all turned around, then coming back to my original proposal at the end when it's too late.

I have few friends that I actually see face to face. I have some friends that only seem interested in seeing me if I'm at church or a church related service. In some ways I feel like I have no friends. Once a life full of activity, phone calls, and social interaction. Now a life filled with quiet time at home, no phone calls apart from those wanting money, and very limited social interaction outside of work.

My health is taking a real dive right now. I haven't felt normal or healthy for about a month now. My blood pressure is going through the roof and my weight is going right along with it. It would seem I'm depressed once again and that I have little motivation for much of anything. I think about calling off from work daily. And, I think of letting most everything I've been fighting for go. I have no insight, no plan, no reprieve, no peace, only madness. Life sucks.

Who needs TV?

I am a big movie/TV guy! I could watch movies or shows pretty much all day long. I love a good story, the triumphal victory, the melding of two hearts. I really love the capturing of the human spirit on film. Many times while watching shows you'll come across events that can only happen on television...well that you think could only happen on television.

This past week has presented me with some pretty dramatic activity in the realm of reality. One female associate of mine is pregnant by a man she has only been dating for a short period of time. In the meantime, the father of her first child has declared his love for her and wants to reunite. She's wanted this for a long time but as you can see the timing is all bad. Add to that a bunch of details in the background story and you have a made for television real life drama.

Another female associate has decided to give a good guy a chance. He's been after her for long time now and he loves her. She knows he's a nice guy and sincere in his declaration of love. Problem is, she's just not into the guy like that. On the other hand, she has a man in her life that just causes her to lose all cool when he's around. She struggles to refuse his advances. Problem is, he's not looking for commitment and she's the one chasing him. She knows he's bad for her in this way but she's addicted to him. She doesn't want to hurt the nice guy, but she doesn't want him.

Yet, another woman I know has a jealous, controlling, abusive guy in her life that may actually threaten her life. The guy has gone so far as to spy on her and those she spends time with. This is a rather chilling and scary story to say the least. It has a made for lifetime feel to it. Stuck in the middle of all this she's not sure what course of action to take. It's the type of drama that keeps you watching on TV and that you hope you never encounter in real life.

Needless to say, there's plenty of drama in the lives people we all know. Truth is, if you get to know folks you will find their life stories to be quite compelling if it is told correctly. I have not had cable for about a year or so now. Normally I read heavily when I don't have cable. Truth is, I don't miss it so much. When you have real life unfolding before your very eyes you don't need make-believe to entertain you or stimulate your mind. TV, who needs it?

How Perfection Destroy's

Last night I watched the movie Tron: Legacy. It was a interesting movie. The graphics were great. I was impressed by the presence of an old Jeff Bridges along side a young Jeff Bridges. The movie had some pretty hefty themes throughout. It was much more than a sci-fi, special effects flick.

One of the themes that were present and pronounced in the movie was the pursuit of perfection. The dilemma in the movie all stems from one man's desire to achieve perfection. I have found that the goal of perfection is one of significant danger. It endangers the good. It almost always results in the seizure of control over all things. And, it ultimately ends with destruction instead of perfection.

Look at leaders such as Hitler. He sought to create a nation, even a world, of perfect people (as he saw them). The results were mass homicide, the takeover of half the world, and finally destruction. Even now, those that seek to reach perfection are doing so by seizing control and ruling with an iron fist over others.

It's my belief that human beings are incapable of reaching perfection. Hence, the pursuit of such a thing is maddening and only exacerbates what we are-fallen. In the end, we appear as perfectly fallen and depraved beings. For that is what we are. This isn't to say that we ought not shoot for the stars and seek to improve. This is to say that we do in fact have limitations that must be recognized.

I find that the issue itself is not in pursuit of better things. But instead, the issue is the discarding of timeless principles. Principles must always remain. They are the foundation and building blocks of society. When we discard those principles we plunge ourselves into chaos. All the while claiming a serious search for perfection.

In order for one to achieve perfection we must be able to control the variables. Hence, we try to put in place as many controls as possible to limit the unpredictable, uncontrollable, variables. Problem is, there are too many variables outside of our control. As a result we are corrupted by the whole process. As it has been said, "Absolute power corrupts absolutely."

People do this in all facets of life. Love, career, sport...We destroy what is good because we want something that is neither real nor attainable. People remain unhappy because life does not match their perfect world mindset. They will always be unhappy because it never will. The great Tony Dungy said that the reason the Super Bowl loser does not make the playoffs the following year is because they change the way they play looking to correct the imperfection that led to their loss. This is a mistake. The reality isn't that something was broken but that they were beat by the better performing team that day.

Such is life. Stop killing what is good by the mythical perfect. Enjoy life. Experience it in all of it's goodness, both the sun and the rain. Don't drive yourself crazy with fruitless work. Don't sit around and pout about what is not. Get up, go, do, be...LIVE. Perfection is not a requirement for a pleasing life.

IT NEVER FAILS...

I have a old high school classmate that I'm friends with on FB. She's an attractive lady and quite photogenic. The pictures she post tend to catch my attention. Along with her pictures are her outrageous FB status post. She often makes provocative, double antandra, type post. She recently posted, "I think he "Rothlisbergered" me." I'll let you figure that one out for yourselves.

In addition to outright crazy stuff she often makes comments about her dating/love life. I've noticed that she has a pattern. She starts out saying that she desires some kind of male companionship. Then she makes post referring to the every mysterious "him." Then she talks about whoever this guy is and the great things he does. So far, so good.

I recently noticed one such post about two weeks ago. Apparently, whoever she was dating at the time brought her entire office lunch. She couldn't stop singing this guys praises. I was reluctant to jump in on the celebration (not because I'm negative, just because I know better). I sat back and chuckled to myself because I knew sooner or later the last phase of the cycle was soon to come.

Sure enough, not but a few days later she was dogging the hell out of this guy. She was making over-dramatic claims on a lifetime of loneliness and whatnot. I smiled a bit, because I could see it. Then I wonder, can she see it? So many people go through life and really believe that they're so shielded, deep, and complicated. Meanwhile, they're as see through as a glass window. I have to imagine that a little honest self-reflection could stop the cycle of disappointment. Until then, the cycle shall continue. It never fails.

STAY IN CHARACTER

I recently had a conversation with a childhood friend about her recent news that she is pregnant. I was taken by surprise because just a few weeks before she told me that she had a tough time keeping men or men keeping her. She was saying that she was in a relationship with a guy that seemed like the right guy but like so many others turned out to be a jerk. She spoke as a person that was single and looking for a man.

Hence, when I found out she was pregnant I had to ask what was the deal? She confirmed that she was pregnant and then continued on to tell me that the father has been a real jerk about it. Like so many other pregnant single women I know, she went on to dog the guy out. Knowing this woman to be a rather intelligent and prudent person I had to ask how she ended up being pregnant by such a person? She gave me one of the best and most clear answers I've ever heard.

My friend stated that she was out of CHARACTER. She said that she did everything different in this relationship than she had done in the past including moving quickly and carefree. She admitted that what she did wasn't right and that she had made peace with God. I was impressed by her candidness and honesty. So many women I know get offended when I press them about their role in the selection of bed mates and co-parents. She didn't. I could tell she had done some self-reflection and wasn't afraid of the truth.

My friend's response caused me to reflect. What a nugget of truth and instruction she had given me. STAY IN CHARACTER. It's when we step out of character that things go wrong. I have looked at myself and seen that when I do things that aren't who I am, I end up regretting my actions, hoping my behavior doesn't cause some seismic destruction, and asking myself how could I have done such a thing? I've done some foolish things over the past year. Thankfully, as far as I can tell, none of them have been particularly destructive (though they had the power to do so).

Stay in character. It's easy. It's better. It's who you are. Mistakes will be made no matter what you do in life. It is a part of our fallen human nature. At least you can look back and know that you were you when you made those mistakes. You can learn from and make adjustments at your core. Doing things out of character can often lead us into situations that forever altar our lives. Play the role you were meant to play.

NO RESPECT...

I got a call from the X the other day chastising me for taking my kids out to play when they were supposedly sick. She immediately started in on "how it's not a good idea..." I wasn't surprised by her accusations. This has been her disposition towards me for as long as I can remember. She seemed to always assume the worst. Always assuming I made some asinine decision based in absolute foolishness.

Problem is, and always has been, that she was wrong. She was wrong about the kids being sick while I took them out to play. Truth is, only one of them expressed any feeling of illness after all the play time had taken place. The other child never expressed any feelings of illness. This particular instant isn't the problem, it's merely an example of what the problem is.

For some reason my X has always approached me this way. Like I'm missing a marble or two. To be certain, I make mistakes like everyone else. But to accuse me of purposely taking children outside in cold weather while knowing they're ill is a bit much. It draws into question my character, my parenting, and my common sense. It shows a complete lack of respect.

I wish I could tell you when this all started. I wish I could pin point what I did that would make her address me in such a way. I wish I knew what foolish thing I did that seems to forever marred her image of me. I can not. What I do know is that his is more support as to why I will never consider reconciliation (a friend of my keeps asking about reconciliation and I keep saying no). Why would any self-respecting man place himself in a situation where he would have to endure the questioning of his most basic decision making as if he's some immature child? I sure as hell wouldn't and I won't.

I chuckled when this most recent conversation came to an end. I thought to myself, "Some things never change." Respect is a major issue for men. It is a make or break issue in relationships. If you want to kill your relationship with any man quickly, disrespect him. Doesn't matter if you have money, education, incredible sex, buy him gifts, and you're fine as hell...disrespect a man and he will disappear. And so it continues to be with me. I will not tolerate disrespect.

When the hunter becomes the prey

I have long maintained that the goal of anyone dating and in pursuit of another's heart has a goal of becoming the hunted. In such situations you chase and chase and chase and you know you have them, not when you have them in your grasp but when they are pursuing you. This is the clear and supreme sign that you have won the heart of the one you desire.

I'm witnessing such a change take place at work right now. I have a client that had a court ordered protection order brought against him the love of his life. He actually was arrested and found himself in my care as the result of violating this court order. No matter how many conversations, no matter how many reminders of why he was confined, no matter how many times he affirmed that he understood and would not contact this woman, at the end of the day he couldn't help himself. He called her every single day.

Recently, for no particular reason, this guy has stopped calling her. In fact, he hasn't called her for about a month. Oddly enough, the woman that complained about his bothersome calls is now calling me and asking about the well-being of this individual. She now calls several times a week inquiring about the man indicating that she is missing his calls. Today, I received a letter addressed to this man from this woman. I couldn't help but smile thinking, "The prey has become the predator."

This is a common happening among people. The man that has long chased after the woman of his dreams finally gets tired or worse-over her. And at that time she finally wakes up to what she had chasing her. Not all, but some women think that the man will give chase forever. He won't. In fact, in the saddest of cases he'll entertain the woman giving chase but only to exact revenge by sleeping with her and moving on. I don't recommend such things but it happens.

On the good side of things is when the chased become the aggressor and they chase the heart of the other. Then you have two people chasing the hearts of one another seeking to love them, please them, and enjoy them. That's what this is all about. So many stop chasing. They stop short of creating something beautiful and lasting because they take for granted the heart of the one they desired. I think I made this mistake in my marriage. I was going through the motions in a lot of ways. That was a mistake. Anyway, happy hunting.

CAN'T HELP EM'

It's a sad thing to say, but you just can't help them all (people). I have always been a person that has sought to help my friends, family, associates, and even complete strangers. I believe in people helping people. Everybody needs a hand up once in a while. However, lately I've noticed that the people I have found myself surrounded by don't really want help.

My best friend bitches and moans daily, if not by the second, about his job. I don't knock him for hating his job. I used to have the same exact job. In fact, I used to bitch and moan about having the same job. I can remember literally getting sick to my stomach daily as I made the drove to work, sick because of what awaited me. Although I can relate to the ongoing bitching and moaning (which people just don't understand until they've had to work in this environment), there is a major difference between the two of us-I DID WHAT NEEDED TO BE DONE TO GET OUT!

I can remember calling all of my friends, all of my family, all of my contacts, trying desperately to find a way out. I can remember applying for job after job after job. I can remember going to interviews just to see what the opportunity was in hope of something different. I also remember standing in line for hours at those cow herding events known as job fairs. Finally when all else failed, I enrolled in grad school, moved to third shift, and worked my ass off for two and half years to get the skills needed to do something I wanted to do. I couldn't spend my life complaining about things. I had to take action.

My friend(s) seem to lack that drive. They seem to be missing that fire inside that doesn't just complain but does something about it. Pity parties are poppin' off all over the place as unhappy people do little to address the situation, taking hold of those things within their control and moving forward. This is not some holier than thou, make myself feel better by looking down on others, diatribe. People that know my friends in light conversation and brief interactions have made comments about their complaining and lack of activity. This is real.

My friend has made attempts to go back to school only to have those plans foiled by a non-cooperative schedule (one that could have been easily maneuvered though inconvenient). Even now, they speak of returning to school. But there is a caveat...they have to have the right work schedule. It would seem that every plan, every ploy, every effort, has a contingency that blocks the way to freedom. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be a struggle. But the freedom is worth it!

On my side I've done a lot to help my friend out. I've opened up doors, done research, identified employment opportunities, and more. All that, only to have my friend not so much as apply to the jobs I've sent him. He always says, "Thanks, I'll check that out." I've come to the point where I see jobs that he could get but I think why waste my time? Yet, amidst all these he speaks of job seeking and the frustrations of not being able to find much.

He's not my only friend that's like that. I have quite a few people in my circle that function that way and I have to wonder how this has happened? I've always been a go getter type of guy. To be certain my "go getness" has slowed in recent years. Still, I keep fighting for what I'm after even when it seems futile. How could I have surrounded myself with people that aren't of like mind. It's true, those around you will rub off on you or you'll rub off on them. I don't think I'm doing the rubbin' right about now.

In light of the differences in life approach and response to hardship I have come to the wise conclusion that you just can't help em' all. There was a time in the Bible where God instructed a person to stop praying for a group of people. It seems so un-Christian that I had to look at it over and over again. God just knew what the man wasn't willing to concede yet-they had chosen their end. I feel that way now about some folks. It's not that we can't hang. It's not that I'm not pulling for them anymore. It's not even like I won't assist when asked. It is that I won't be putting any extra effort on my part to help them out. All it does is frustrate me, strain the relationship, and.....I'll be damned if it does anything for them. It's tough concluding that I can't help them all.

HATED...

I recently paid a visit to my friends new apartment. He's been there for about three months now and I figured it was time to see it. My friend lives with his girlfriend who is a decade younger than he is. She's really never been out of school since she began. She's gone from elementary, to middle school, to high school, to college, to grad school (where she is now). She's got no children, never been married, and apart from short stints in college style apartments has never lived on her own. Now that the background is laid allow me to continue.

When I arrived at my friends spot it was just he and I. We immediately left and headed to restaurant around the corner. As always, we had a great time. Laughed hard...embarrassingly hard. After consuming a ton of food and pausing the laughter long enough to pay the bill we returned to his apartment. The jokes continued and things seemed like old days, until....

Until his girlfriend showed up. When she entered the room my friends voice went up an octave as he greeted her. It was almost child like in some senses. I greeted her as well but she hardly turned her body as she mumbled out a fading hello. Before I knew it, my friend and his girl were in the bedroom. I could hear voices exchanging between the two but nothing intelligible. My friend returned to the day area and his girlfriend remained in the bedroom where she was supposedly taking a nap.

I knew something had changed. My friend didn't seem as free to speak and laugh as he had been prior to his girls arrival. Our interchanges weren't free flowing. He seemed distracted. None of these signs were there before his girl arrived. I sensed tension. I felt...unwelcomed. I wasn't surprised as I know his girlfriend doesn't like me because of my conservative social, political, and religious values. We had a few discussions in the past and it was clear that despite her claim of open-mindedness there was no room for me and my dissenting opinions.

After a short period of time my friend was headed off to the gym with his girl. I followed them out of the door and down the steps walking them to their car. As we parted ways I said goodbye to both of them. My friend said goodbye while his girlfriend didn't say so much as a word. Since I didn't want to be rude I said goodbye again directly to her. Again, nothing. Where's the love, the diversity, the welcoming of all peoples ways of life?

My friend's girl's behavior was so blatant I couldn't shake her rudeness from my mind. Typically, I don't give a damn about such things. If you're small in your mind while claiming to be big that's on you. But this is different as my friend has been speaking of marriage and children with this woman. You usually imagine that a friend as close as a brother would marry a woman that you love and embrace. This isn't the case at all.

Agitated by the whole thing I called my friend to talk about it. He made it clear and less words than expected that his girl doesn't like me. In fact, she hates me. She hates me because I'm against gay marriage. Not because I hate gays (which I don't) but because I'm against gay marriage. Funny thing is, about a year ago before we ever had a conversation about homosexuality I joined my friend, his girl, and her two gay friends for a night out. We had a good time and I'm certain she had no clue what my thoughts were on homosexuality (Because I treat people with respect no matter what their sexuality). So, since she had seen me interact with openly gay folks without incident I couldn't quite understand the hatred.

Like so many that support the homosexual movement, my friends girl has already written my script. I hate gays because I'm a Christian and I'm not in favor of gay marriage. I condemn gays to hell because I'm a Christian. I despise gay people and wish to rid the world of them because of my hate filled beliefs. And, despite my many daily interactions with homosexuals, always treating them as people not as sex objects defined by physical behaviors, I'm still a bigot. I know she thinks this because I tried my hardest to refute these claims as she threw them at me without success.

Hence, I'm accused of being a hater while in fact I am hated. I'm accused of being closed-minded while those with differing opinions won't even allow me to speak before they have assigned details to my thoughts. I'm accused of being a bigot while the accuse won't even say hello and goodbye as one would to a stranger they met on the street. I'm hated...and no less by the person closest to my closest friend. I don't know how this is going to work out long term as many of my friend's friends think as I do. How do you share a life when you share no common interest? I don't know the answer. What I do know is that there is an increasing persecution/hatred for "people like me."