STAND FIRM

I have recently come to a great revelation in life. My partner at work has been trying to communicate this to me as she has shared her significant other's methods and function in relationship. Being slow like I am I was missing it. But in the midst of anger and frustration it all became clear to me.

I am the poster boy for the "good guy." I'm nice, polite, respectful, chivalrous, caring, and deferring. In short, I'm weak. Not weak as in can't defend myself or stand up for others. I'm weak as in a I don't hold my ground or force the issue. Case in point, I recently missed out on some serious lovin' from a beautiful and sexy woman because I was too much of a "gentleman." The curse of the good guy strikes again.

Throughout most of my life I've been looking to change to something that I'm not. Recently, I thought I could be a dog. In some ways I have been. In other ways I haven't. I let em' down slow and easy with honesty and care. That ain't no dog. Nope, not even close. I thought I could do it. I thought I could transform into a womanizing monster only out for self. I can't do it. It's not in me.

In recent weeks three different women have stated that if my "swag" were more on point I could pull more woman and get the panties. "Swag" was likened to me as a cover letter to a great resume'. It's the outer shell of the inner person. I've been told I've got "potential." I've been told that I'm a great guy. Yet, I've been told that I don't make women want me because of my lack of swag or presentation. This pisses me off...well it used to.

While discussing the issue with my best friend he said I was like Eli Manning, quarterback of the New York Football Giants. Eli Manning has been knocked for his lack of verbal leadership. They say he's too laid back. Too relaxed. Too cool. Things don't seem to bother him. They want him to be like his brother Peyton or his neighbor to the North, Tom Brady. Those guys are known as strong leaders with strong personalities. He's not.

Despite the criticisms, Eli has a Championship Ring. That's the goal of the NFL, get the Trophy. So, Eli stuck to his guns. He stayed true to himself. And he won. I'm learning that's what I need to do. I would normally look to craft myself to the liking of others so I wouldn't miss out on what they offer. I've come to realize that they need to be concerned about what they are missing out on.

It goes like this; If a woman decides to engage me then they have gained. If they decide to pass then they have lost. Equal gain, equal loss. I'm not changing for other people. You're either with the program or your not. Same goes for me. There may be something there worth sticking around for. There may be something deemed to be worth while. However, there may be deal breakers. Both parties need to make a decision. I'm making mine now. I'm either a fit for you and you for me, or I'm not.

Why carry on looking to change or hoping for something more in a person. It's not going to happen. I think that's what happened with my wife. I think she was looking for something more to take place. She was hoping for something other. Didn't happen the way she wanted so she was discontent. Why put that undue pressure on the relationship. Buy the product in front of you. See Buyer Beware. Otherwise you're asking for trouble from the jump.

Like I said before, it's hard to find that relational match. I've found a woman that I highly enjoy. She's beautiful, sexy, smart, funny...a joy to be around. Yet, she has some worldview, core beliefs that I can't get with. I'm not what she's used to. I could move to make changes so I'd be more her match. That would be the normal me. Or, I could stay me (what I am) and accept that we can't move on. I don't want to miss out on her. I think she's something special. Yet, I'm going to stand firm. I am what I am. It is what it is. I'm standing firm on me.

NO RETREAT!!!!

If you follow my blog at all you will see that I've been struggling with the trials of life. I've been ready to give up. Such is the flow of life. You have ups and downs. However, there is no room in life for retreat. Turning back is shameful, heartless, and out right inappropriate.

This is not to say that one can't change their mind or change course. It's just to say that you can't sit around sulking about the past, about what you have done. You must accept it, evaluate it, learn from it, and move on. I have thought a million times how any number of decisions could have altered my life in a positive way. I could almost widdle it down to five moves that would have forever changed my history. But as the great poet Jay-Z says, "Time don't go back, it goes forward. Can't run from the pain, run towards it."

This life is full of pain. This world is full of hurt. Tragedy and death come to us all. Can't run from it. Can't hide from it. Can't escape it. The very nature of man has chained each and every one of us to it. You either stand around waiting for something to happen or you make something happen. Either way you go somethings going to happen. Better to take a hit in motion than to take the full blunt force of it. Either you happen on life or life happens on you. I'll take the former.

One of my favorite movies is 300. It's a manly man's movie. Full of blood, violence, and warriors. As the mighty King Leonidas was leading his men off to battle the narrator states that there is no room for tender moments. He says, "Only the hard and the strong...only the hard...only the strong." That is life. For a man this is the truth.

So here I stand, past behind me. Present in hand. Future ahead. I don't have it all planned out but I must go on. Another great warrior movie is Braveheart. There the great William Wallace has advanced his forces deep into England. He is preparing to fight for the King's home and set his people free. He is visited by the beautiful Princess Isabella. During there conversation she tells him that he is too far from home to turn back, but doesn't have the resources to go on. It is then that she offers her help with the attack.

I like Wallace, I am too far from home to turn back. Yet, at this moment I don't have the resources needed to complete my journey. I stand in need of a Princess Isabella. One that would provide me with what I need to make this final concourse. One that would offer the support needed to continue on. That may or may not come. If not then I shall stand like King Leonidas in the face of certain death. There is no retreat. There is no shrinking back. If death be before me then I shall prepare for glory. Until such a time, I shall await that beautiful moment. There shall be no retreat!!!

GROWING TIRED...

I am in a place of limbo right now. I'm not certain what the future holds. I don't know where I'm headed or even where I will live in the near future. I read a mass e-mail from the director of my agency that stated there is going to be a $7 million short fall even if there are no changes to the budget. That spells trouble for me.

I'm only about 3 months into my new job. It's a unionized position. Due to the way union contracts are structured that means I'm looking at a possible lay-off. Thus far, I have survived three lay-off cycles. Each time I was in real danger of losing my job. I have never been jobless before. I've never been fired or laid-off.

This is not something I need as I am trying to hold on to the little I have left. My home is still up in the air. I call, they stall, I wait...and repeat the cycle over again. I'm still trying to get myself together from the separation, loss of my children, and overall disillusionment with life. As the saying goes, when it rains it pours.

I remember in high school I used to listen to a song by B.I.G. called Everyday Struggle. The chorus went something like this, "I don't wanna live no more. Sometimes I hear death knocking at the front door. I'm living everyday like a hustle. Another drug to juggle. Another day, another struggle." That pretty much sums up my thoughts right now.

I'm tired of struggle. Tired of the fight. I need some peace time in my life. I need some time when I don't have to push back against anything. I need a bye week. In short, I'm burned out. It's little things here and there that do it. It's unexpected repairs to the car. Relationships not going the way you want them too. Concerns about my kids and family. Just life in general.

Now, as I'm writing I'm thinking I should clear up the issue of not wanting to live no more. I'm not thinking suicide. The thought crosses the mind from time to time, but nothing significant. No plan, no means. Just passing thoughts. Despite my troubles I have a lot to live for. Namely my beautiful children. Besides, I want to see how the story ends.

TELL ME THE SKY IS PURPLE...

I watched the movie Brooklyn's Finest today. It was an entertaining movie, had some twist and turns. As is the make up of most movies Brooklyn's Finest is a conglomerate of various relationships. Friends and foes, partners, good guys and bad guys, and marriage. A large segment of the movie revolves around the husband wife relationship. There was an interchange during the movie that deeply impacted me.

The conversation took place while the husband and wife were discussing the needs of their family. The husband is promising his wife a new home. He's concerned about the space of their current home as well as the impact the mold is having on his families health. As the man is desperately giving his word for better days to his wife she says, "I believe you. Tell the me sky is purple and I will believe you." That was all I needed to hear. It spoke volumes about their relationship.

Caught up in the wife's statement about the sky is a clearly painted picture of the strength and bond of their relationship. Her words spoke of her trust, belief in, and desire for her husband. She told him that he could tell her something contrary to common knowledge and she would believe him on the strength of their love. How powerful is that? How amazing is that?

Her words confirmed her husbands manhood and ability to provide beyond just the physical. I once believed I was a member of such a union. There was once a time when my partner deferred to me out of trust. There was once a time when I didn't have to defend my words or actions. That was a time when love was love. I hope I can one day hear the sweet words, "Tell me the sky is purple."

Emotional Pain

I can remember a while back when I had to de-escalate a kid at work from destroying the unit and hurting himself. He ran around unit screaming, throwing things, and cursing at staff. When I finally was able to corner him he fell to the ground. His chest was pumping up and down with each hard breath. There were shrill like screams coming out of him. Tears began to fall. The kids looked like he was ready to explode from within from all the pain. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't chilled by the encounter.

I went home that day and posted a comment that read, "Emotional Pain is so much greater than physical pain." My wife took offense to the statement. She thought I was talking about her. I wasn't. I was commenting on what I was witness to at work. Little did I know that I would one day attribute that statement to my wife.

I had a horrible dream the other day. In the dream my wife was glowing with joy about being pregnant. She told me that the child was her lovers and that she was in her forth month. It wasn't the pregnancy in and of itself that bothered me. It was the immense joy she was experiencing at bringing for life for her lover, an emotion I once thought I brought to her.

I woke up from the dream emotionally disturbed. I couldn't shake the image for two whole days. I felt the power of rejection. A feeling that I wasn't good enough. I've had many experiences since we have parted ways to dispute my wife's claims against me. However, you can't just shake those things off. The words are powerful. The emotion overwhelming. The echo of her statements loud and clear. It's a living nightmare.

Some said that the young man I first mentioned was "demon possessed." I don't know if he is possessed. What I do know is that he has demons and they torment him. I now have demons as well that are tormenting me. It's the demon of rejection, a broken heart, and failure. It's the demon of emotional pain. I hope I can break this thing. I don't want to carry on like this for much longer. It's just to painful.

UNFORGETTABLE

Unforgettable is known as one of the all time great songs by Nat King Cole and his daughter, Natalie Cole. It is a classic song with a beautiful rhythm and melody. The smooth tone of Nat King's voice sets the song off. If you aren't familiar I would recommend that you take a listen.

The very popular new pop icon on the scene, Drake, has a song on his album of the same title. It's not anywhere close to the Cole family's production but it's a good song, tight beat-nice flow. As I think about it, Drake seems to have a theme throughout his album-SIGNIFICANCE.

This is where I find myself at this point in time. I want to be SIGNIFICANT! This isn't really anything new. I have always wanted to be significant. As a kid I wanted to be a Martin Luther King/ Malcolm X type figure. The older I got, I thought I would be the first black President. Post salvation, I wanted to be a pastor that would positively impact the lives of others for the cause of Christ. Significance has always been a part of my make up.

Now I desire to be significant to a lesser degree. I want to be significant to women. As the prototypical good guy, I find myself time and time again in the friend/brother category. That's cool and all but as a good friend once told his future wife, "I have enough friends." That was a clear warning that he was not interested in befriending that woman. It was all or nothing. She either had to get with his program or the relationship was over.

As I assess myself I have come to the conclusion that facially I'm a "cute" guy. I'm not stunning, not dashing, not hot, and not a beau. I'm cute. I'm cool with that but it doesn't leave women thinking about you. Cute is reserved for babies, brothers, and little girls. I would really like to be a lady killer. I want to have unforgettable swag. I want women to talk about my appearance. You may not know my name, but you remember my face. Since I'm not into plastic surgery I'll have to figure out something different to change this up.

On the personality tip I think I am quite memorable. I was once told that I made my partners work experience unlike any other. I don't know if I always have an impact on people for the right reasons. As Captain Jack Sparrow said in response to being told that he was the worst pirate they'd ever heard of, "...But you have heard of me..." I might be remembered for my wittiness and quirky behavior but that is not always the way to a woman's heart. Again, it's hard to refashion your persona this late in the game. We shall see.


One way a man can be remembered is by his financial prowess. I want to be paid. I want dem' dolla's, the scrilla, ends......GREEN! However, I'm not really interested in a woman that can be "bought," I want to be wanted because of who I am, not what I bring to the table. I know women want security and that means money. As a man, I desire to give my all to the woman that occupies the apple of my eye. I want to be able to provide all that her heart desires and more. However, I don't want someone that is on a paper chase with plans to catch it on my blood, sweat, and tears. I'll have to pass on this one.

I thought I was a person of significance to my wife. It has been made painfully obvious that I'm not. Even more painful may be that I'm not a person of significance to women. I want to be special to that person. I want to be desired. I want to be the answer to a woman's prayer. I want to be significant! I want to be unforgettable!

SWEET DREAMS

As a kid I was a very ambitious young man. I started out wanting to be a police officer. My mother and grandmother strongly discouraged that. They told me I would be killed if I was a police officer. Then I figured I would be an attorney. I thought it was the next best thing to being a cop. I could be a prosecutor. Keep in mind I'm only five at this time.

As time went on I wanted to be a multi-millionaire. I planned on having a mansion, four cars (an SUV, Sports Car, Luxury Vehicle, and a Family Car), a vacation home, and my crown Jewell-a walk in freezer. I was young, what did I know? While in high school I decided that I would be the first Black President. Like I said, I was ambitious. All this would change as I came into adulthood.

When I entered into college I had started to change my mind about being a lawyer. I had done a few internships and didn't like the hours I was seeing the associates work. That was a mistake because I ended up working 60 hours a week without the payoff. Hey, what did I know? I would later decide that I wanted to be a pastor. I had a strong desire to help people and to serve God. That fell through in a painful fashion. I might touch on that later. Needless to say, many a dream has fallen by the wayside.

I was content with my marriage. That is gone. I was hoping to serve God in full-time ministry. That is gone. I was hoping to be in the 80K-100K range. That may not be gone but I ain't close. My sweet dreams have turned into beautiful nightmares. For a while I had the air knocked out of me. Couldn't dream, couldn't breath, couldn't move forward. All that is about to change.

I am hard pressed at this time to find someone close to me that isn't back in school working on a degree of some kind. I didn't have any intentions of going back to school. Not for a PhD. Not for another masters. Not for a parent/teacher conference. I wasn't going. Nevertheless, I find myself seriously contemplating returning to school.

I have argued with myself back and forth about whether I would return to school for a law degree or an MBA. I recently come to find that I don't have to make a decision between the two. I can go back and get a joint degree in both law and business. I am seriously thinking about pursuing this next level of education. Here me out on this one. I love what I do. I really do like helping people. I just can't survive on the cash flow.

I often say you can't help people and get paid unless you can prescribe a drug, administer a drug, or sell a drug. So far, I've been correct. Even if I were to climb to the top of the food chain in my professional field I would likely not crack six figures. Since I have a desire to provide for my children, establish a committed relationship, and perhaps have more kids one day, I need to produce funds. I figure a Jurist Doctorate plus an MBA should make me a pretty profitable entity.

It seems like the logical move to make. Like I said, all my friends are in school. Hence, they don't have time to hang. I might as well make this time of solitude count. I'm doing the research. Reading up on the process and programs. Talking to folks in the field and in school. I'm serious bout this man. I'll keep you posted as to what moves I ultimately make. For now, Sweet Dreams may be making a return.