GROWING TIRED...

I am in a place of limbo right now. I'm not certain what the future holds. I don't know where I'm headed or even where I will live in the near future. I read a mass e-mail from the director of my agency that stated there is going to be a $7 million short fall even if there are no changes to the budget. That spells trouble for me.

I'm only about 3 months into my new job. It's a unionized position. Due to the way union contracts are structured that means I'm looking at a possible lay-off. Thus far, I have survived three lay-off cycles. Each time I was in real danger of losing my job. I have never been jobless before. I've never been fired or laid-off.

This is not something I need as I am trying to hold on to the little I have left. My home is still up in the air. I call, they stall, I wait...and repeat the cycle over again. I'm still trying to get myself together from the separation, loss of my children, and overall disillusionment with life. As the saying goes, when it rains it pours.

I remember in high school I used to listen to a song by B.I.G. called Everyday Struggle. The chorus went something like this, "I don't wanna live no more. Sometimes I hear death knocking at the front door. I'm living everyday like a hustle. Another drug to juggle. Another day, another struggle." That pretty much sums up my thoughts right now.

I'm tired of struggle. Tired of the fight. I need some peace time in my life. I need some time when I don't have to push back against anything. I need a bye week. In short, I'm burned out. It's little things here and there that do it. It's unexpected repairs to the car. Relationships not going the way you want them too. Concerns about my kids and family. Just life in general.

Now, as I'm writing I'm thinking I should clear up the issue of not wanting to live no more. I'm not thinking suicide. The thought crosses the mind from time to time, but nothing significant. No plan, no means. Just passing thoughts. Despite my troubles I have a lot to live for. Namely my beautiful children. Besides, I want to see how the story ends.