Decisions, Decisions

I am currently facing some pretty insurmountable obstacles in my life. I have come to a point where a decision must be made. I don't think it's possible for me to continue on course in my current city and state. The economy was suffering before the recession hit and it's been worse for this state than most. I work for the state currently and there are many rumors about the viability of the budget and the plans of the new administration. Layoffs have already begun.

I have tried to rescue my house from the dreaded end of foreclosure. Not an easy task when 50% of your income walks out of the door. That is looking more and more like a lost cause. I'm going to continue to fight and I have some tricks left up my sleeve. However, if worse comes to worst that'll be it. A move will have to be made.

It is highly unlikely that I can achieve my financial goals and remain in my current professional field. I'm a social service provider and it just doesn't pay to help those less fortunate. I love what I do. I really enjoy the satisfaction of impacting someones life in a positive manner but there isn't any big cash payoff. I've been complimented by the Director of my department, unit staff, COO, and CEO, yet no money is coming. In fact, with layoffs coming I may not even be able to maintain my position....no matter how well I perform.

The last decision involves my children. They are my pride and joy. My greatest possessions. It pains me to leave them even for a few days. Yet, I may need to leave them even longer to make headway in other ways. This is a sickening thought especially because of their youth. My daughter is taking the separation particularly hard. She cries when I leave. She cries even at the announcement of returning back to her mother. I don't want to do this but it appears as though I must.

My plan looks like this. I will go to law school. Dedicate myself as I always do and finish at the top of my class. I will also obtain a degree in business. I will then make a move to Delaware, New York, Houston, or wherever the highest bidder may be. I'll make an aggressive effort to set my finances in order and pave the way for my children. Women will not be a concern. Nor will personal gain. My children and their well being will be my only focus. I will leave the life I had and have behind. Only looking back for my beautiful children.

My life would appear to have run it's course. I will now pour myself out for my children and hopefully for their children. My hopes for a new family, more children, good friends, will be something of another life. I will leave it all behind. I may be overreacting. But I think this experiment has run it's course. It's time to move on to the next one. My best laid plans went the way of mice and men. Marriage gone, home close to it, current relationship a mystery, job up in the air, finances about the same...Decisions must be made. Hard decisions that will neither be pleasant nor peaceful. In the words of the detective from Menace to Society, "You know you fucked up right...........you know you fucked up?"