Emotional Pain

I can remember a while back when I had to de-escalate a kid at work from destroying the unit and hurting himself. He ran around unit screaming, throwing things, and cursing at staff. When I finally was able to corner him he fell to the ground. His chest was pumping up and down with each hard breath. There were shrill like screams coming out of him. Tears began to fall. The kids looked like he was ready to explode from within from all the pain. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't chilled by the encounter.

I went home that day and posted a comment that read, "Emotional Pain is so much greater than physical pain." My wife took offense to the statement. She thought I was talking about her. I wasn't. I was commenting on what I was witness to at work. Little did I know that I would one day attribute that statement to my wife.

I had a horrible dream the other day. In the dream my wife was glowing with joy about being pregnant. She told me that the child was her lovers and that she was in her forth month. It wasn't the pregnancy in and of itself that bothered me. It was the immense joy she was experiencing at bringing for life for her lover, an emotion I once thought I brought to her.

I woke up from the dream emotionally disturbed. I couldn't shake the image for two whole days. I felt the power of rejection. A feeling that I wasn't good enough. I've had many experiences since we have parted ways to dispute my wife's claims against me. However, you can't just shake those things off. The words are powerful. The emotion overwhelming. The echo of her statements loud and clear. It's a living nightmare.

Some said that the young man I first mentioned was "demon possessed." I don't know if he is possessed. What I do know is that he has demons and they torment him. I now have demons as well that are tormenting me. It's the demon of rejection, a broken heart, and failure. It's the demon of emotional pain. I hope I can break this thing. I don't want to carry on like this for much longer. It's just to painful.