I know what I'm learning now

My journey has recently put me in touch with black contemperary literature. Books like The Coldest Winter Ever, The Maintenance Man, and Never Satisfied. I have come to relize through my readings and interaction with women that attraction is a full sensory experience for women.

Women are looking for an ecstectic, aromatic, melodic, intellectual, and spiritual experience among others when they encounter a man. I had turned a blind eye to such things in the past. One, cause I'm a man. As a man, you just don't get into all that. Men recognize beauty and attraction on sight alone. We enjoy the frangrances, the clothes, and without a doubt the tone of a woman's voice. But, on a very basic level...we just love the physical presentation of the female species.

For women it's a FULL experience. They want a man that presents well in style, physique, and use of language. Putting it down like your an expert will get you in the door. However, if you make the experience memorable by touching all bases you'll be rmeembered and desired. Good taste and swag can do wonders for a brotha.

Hence, I'm on a mission to provide a full sensory experience. I've never been a cologne wearer. Never been much on style beyond suites. And, things like intellect and spirituallity have always come kind of natural. Now I'm looking to bring it all together. The body and the clothes may take a little time to put together like I want it to be. They go hand and hand. But, I can keep the hair cut tight, put on the cologne that leaves a women thinking about you, and I can certainly provide intellectual stimulation and laughter. That's the plan. That's what I'm learning. Maybe had I learned this before I'd still have a wife. Maybe learning this now, I can have fun.

The Dating Game

Well, I'm about two and a half months into being single (still married on paper). Thus far I have had a few chill times with a couple different women. A few trips to some resturants. An invitation to a woman's apartment to watch softcore porn (Sex Chronicles). Surprisingly, this did not lead to any "action." However, there have been many text, jokes, and discussions about it since. Now I'm suppose to be going on a real date.

This event is suppose to be dinner and movie. It's been wierd as the woman has run hot and cold. She has expressed excitement about kicking it and then vanished into thin air for a few. Now, it's suppose to go down. I haven't been on a date like this in a long time with someone that I'm not that familiar with.

I'm intersted to see how this goes. This woman complained about not being able to find a good guy and men being dishonest. As I am a good guy (subtract for that) and painfully honest (subtract for that) I really want to see how it goes. If it even happens. I'm guessing I'm going to find out that nice guys aren't really her bag and she likes niggas that cause pain, suffering, and drama.

Oh, did I mention she is half white. I've never been on a date with a woman of any other color than black. This has promise to be at the very least a learning experience. I'll report back on the results of this adventure. Even if I'm stood up. Maybe I can turn my jerk on for one night just to see the reaction.

The return of Self-Esteem

When my wife left me and broke my heart I was a dim shadow of the man I had previously been. I couldn't function. Couldn't work, couldn't focus, couldn't sleep, and didn't want to eat. I was a mess. I even rear ended two people in my car while thinking about the situation. I thought I was done.

Initially I sought the help of alcohol. It was effective. I would get smashed, pass out, and wake up to a new day. Problem was, I wasn't trying to become an alcoholic. I would eventually turn to prescribed substances to help me get stable and some sleep. In a situation like this sleep is priceless.

All though I was sleeping, I still wasn't quite right cause I was tired all the time. I needed a change. As my energy started to return I started hitting the gym. This is a booster in and of itself as I feel my body gain strength. But, more than the physical my mind started to get stronger. I've returned to the bold man I once was.

This has shown good results. The ladies are responding. I'm not bored cause I don't have a shortage of things to do. The ladies seem more than willing to spend time with a brotha and I show my appreciation by showing up. It feels good just to know that women still find a brotha worthy of their attention and time. Certainly, my "self-esteem" is not based on the actions of these women. But, it helps.

I feel my confidence coming back like a lion. Just wait till I get the body and the crib on point. Man, you won't be able to tell me nothin'. Until then, I'm pleased with where this thing is headed. I'm having a good time...and I haven't even had to do any dirt. But, sometimes you get dirty in this life. I won't mind-precautionary tale for living.

Diary of a Tired Black Man

I watched this movie/documentary yesterday called Diary of a Tired Black Man. It was one of the best films I have ever seen. The movie is about good black men and how black women are wearing them out with all the games, attitude, and over the top expectations for men to put up with bull. The movie is balanced as it doesn't act as though all men are good or that black women are evil. It just covers the issue of the attitude and the interference of friends in the relationship.

I found this movie to be true because I have gone through some of the same things in it. Arguments about leaving draws on the bathroom floor. Beef about the toilet seat. Accusations of being unfaithful when I wasn't (and now that I know what I know I wish I had). The movie kept it real on both ends.

Both men and women are given opportunities to express their opinions on the subject. Most of the women don't deny the accusations made against black women. They proudly agree and try desperately to defend the position. Sadly, most of them crash and burn as they struggle to justify making men pay for some long believed wrong.

The movie makes a strong case for a need for change for the betterment of relationships between black men and black women as a whole. There is discussion on the impact on children in single parent homes, how black girls are raised, and the frustration of a man that has to fight at home and in the street. It's a good flick that at the very least will get you to thinking. Check it out.

Easier said than done

In my last post I waxed about my anger toward the backwards nature of relationships and how people that are ass wholes seem to get ahead while the nice guy is left holding the bag. I stated that I was on the road to the dark side complete with selfishness and no regard for others well being. Well, it appears that it is much easier said than done.

I did something for a friend of the opposite sex and her reply was, "thank you, I needed that...it was sweet." "IT WAS SWEET." Sweet is not the words a man wants to hear. Sweet implies that you are in the friend zone. You are a person that will never be looked at in a romantic manner and you have no sex appeal to this individual. I know it sounds broad but I have asked around and women have confirmed that the statement that a man is sweet is a clear sign that things will not progress beyond a friendship status.

Lesson learned. I can't help but be who I am. At the end of the day I'm a nice guy. It's who God made me. I can fight and try my damnedest to be something different but it will be awkward and the only people I'll be fooling is me, myself, and I. I actually like the fact that I'm a nice guy. I just hate that fact that it hasn't paid any dividends.

I guess I'll just have to stay the course in the personality department and see what comes next. I was told by a woman that change can still come because the precipitating events continue to replay in my mind over and over again. The reply hardens the heart and makes one cold. I hope that's not the case. Time will only tell.

The Good Guy

It would appear that as I turn to the dark side that there are many voices calling for me to remain true to who I am. Co-workers, friends, family, all say I should stay the nice guy that I am. I've been told that it is the nice guy quality that women find so attractive about me. If this is true why is it that I don't know who any of the women that find me attractive are?

The saying goes that nice guys always finish last. I have lived my life trying to prove that wrong. Truth is, I haven't been successful. I have had ass whole after ass whole pass me in the climb to the top (many riding my back and claiming my work to do so). I have seen many an undesirable character bag some of the most beautiful women I have ever laid my eyes on. It would appear that there is a chasm between said attraction to nice guys and real attraction.

I have friends that have remained single for years. They have had many a dry period during this time. Things always seemed to pick up for them when they said, "To hell with being Mr. Nice Guy!" Why is it that when a man is a jerk he gets results and when a man is a nice guy he gets the short end of the stick? Bullshit!

I have seen women chase after men that could care less and did until the man finally gave them a taste and then promptly kicked their ass to the curb. Bruised and broken these women can't seem to overcome losing the ass whole. They often make the nice guy pay by either not giving them the time of day or playing them for fools and taking them for all they can get.

A friend of mine told me that he used to purposely treat women like trash to make them want him all the more. He said women would cook for him, clean for him, and outright offer him the goods and he would turn it down. He would tell women to put the food down on his desk and "maybe" he would eat it later. Doing so without even looking up from whatever activity he was involved in. He would tell the women that asked him if he wanted some pussy that he wasn't interested. This man said that without fail these women couldn't wait to give it to him. Again, Bullshit!!!!

So, somebody please tell me where the benefit is in being a good guy? As far as I can see, good guys are all day suckers, punks, bitches, something less than a man...that can't no play. There are no promotions for nice guys. No women running hard after them. Hell, my wife's' heart was stolen by some punk as nigga that one of the biggest ass wholes I've ever come in contact with!!! Where was I while this was going on? That's right, being a nice guy. Bullshit!!!!!!!!

So there it is. You tell me where the benefit is? Tell me how being a nice guy pays off for the nice guy? Tell me where the nice guy gets the girl, the job, and the respect (outside of the movies)? Make your case for the "Nice Guy." In the meantime I'm going to follow suit and do what works.

A Moral Crisis

Well here I am. One week into the gym. So far so good. I've gotten in some pretty good workouts. Mostly cardio. I'm limited in my ability to lift weights as I am still recovering from broken fingers, hand, and wrist. While I work out on the treadmill (1 hour per) I have a lot of time to think about what I'm going to do. Despite all this time I have to think I am stuck as to what I'm going to do.

All my life I have been a nice guy. I became even nicer after I dedicated my life to Christ and dove in head first into serving God and the Church. Now that I have come to my quarter life crisis (wife cheating on me, leaving me, and saying things that cause most people to ask how I didn't slap the hell out of her) I don't know if I want to be a nice guy.

The blinders have been taken off and now I can see that the world is a deeply deceptive, selfish, and evil place. I used to think cheating was a disease primarily suffered by the male species. I have come to find that women are plotting on a whole notha' level to get their creep on. Equipped with that knowledge I am feeling a desire to get what I want out of life and particularly women. To do this I would have to throw my morals to the wind and develop a whole new set of values.

So on one hand, I know in my mind that I shouldn't do such a thing. I know that it is damaging to self and others. I know that the risk are high for heartache, conception, and the dreaded STD. Plus, there is the drama that comes with such activity. I try to live drama free if I can.

On the other hand, there is a sense of need for payback. I know it seems immature, but some of my manhood seems to have been lost in all the recent happenings. There is a feeling that having my way with the ladies for my own enjoyment and pleasure will restore something to me. There is also the general physical desire/need for sex. After ten years of marriage you get used to some kind of action. And last but not least, there seems to be a gravitational pull by women that are both willing and ready.

So, what is a man to do? I know most men don't seem to have this struggle. They decided a long time ago (puberty) that they were going to get all that they could get...morals, faith, and risk be damned. I don't know if I have the heart for all that. There is the small presence of genuine interest in women. Sexual conquest might be the driving factor, but there may be room for something serious. I can't quite decide what to do. There is a saying that goes, "No one can be successful unless they can be themselves." I was myself. Failure seems to have found me in large quantity (relationally).

Well, there it is. My moral crisis. What would you do? Should I go for broke a try to be the MVP (Most Vicious Penis)by setting new records in lays, booty calls, and one night stands? Should I try to find something like a real relationship complete with caring, consideration, and love? Or, should I take some time to get myself straight, stick to my moral roots, and hold on to the my faith? Again, what would you do?