THE LOLLYPOP KID

I have recently received a ton of comments through text, on FB post, and in person from women saying how "SWEET" I am. This is supposedly a response to my kindness, respectability, and gentleman ways. It sounds nice on the surface but it sucks ass when you get to the bottom of it.

I once heard that sweet is a metaphor for "not gettin' any." I asked around and to my surprise women more or less agreed that if they call you sweet you can forget about gettin' any lovin'. Since this has become my moniker I can only assume that I am doomed to a life time of Sahara Desert dryness. Maybe I can hallucinate about some lovin'.

On the real, I'm so damn SWEET that I Might be Gay. Being sweet is akin to being called a "brother" or a good "friend." Both of which I have been called in recent days. Being called any one of these names is a the kiss of death. A dead end. A big STOP, NO, AND DON'T! It may be worse than just being dogged out.

When you are a nice guy. When you are sweet. You are officially out of the running for anything physical. And not that getting physical is the nice guys aim (hence why he's sweet) but he wants some sweet potato pie too. It really puts a good guy in a bad place. If a good guy is who he is then he's S.O.L. If he's not who he is then he might be the same, save gettin' some lovin'. So, he has to ask himself, "Is a bad rep worth some good lovin'?" It's a rock....and a hard place (pun intended).

3 STAGES OF TRANSFORMATION

Transformation is all the rage these days. President Obama campaigned on fundamental transformation. House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, stated that the Health Care bill was transformational. Many an organization claims to be focused on transformation. I ask the question, "How does one get there?" In this journey through life I am coming to understand that there are three parts or stages to true transformation.

The first two steps of transformation seem to be interchangeable in terms of which comes first. What is important is that they are both present at some stage. For the purpose of flow I will call this the first stage, Output. Output is the energy we use in the process of transformation. You could look at it like practice or exercise. For instance, in my attempt to get in shape I am lifting weights. The amount of time, the exercises I do, and the amount of weight I lift are all parts of the output process. In essence, I'm working on the outside.

The second step of the process is Input. Input is what you are putting into the mind, body, or soul. As it has been said, "Garbage in, Garbage out." Or, "You are what you eat." I must pause to interject at this moment. In the process of physical transformation I am struggling on the input side. My diet is at times atrocious. As much as I hit the gym, as strong as I am getting, the full results can't be seen because of my high fat diet (fried foods, beer, and BBQ). It would almost seem to be a waste...but it's not. Like I said, you have to have one of these present. The order is not so much of consequence as long as you get there.

I have had a change in input outside of food. I have changed what I watch, what I read, what I spend my time thinking about, and my complete outlook on life and worldview. Case in point; I used to watch and listen to all types of political news 24/7. As I examined my mood and mind set I saw a need to let go of these things. I even had to let go of Christian programming and sports radio.

These things all had one thing in common, complaining. Political talking heads complained about the state of the nation, sports complain about the state of the teams they covered, and Christians complain about the state of just about everything because of the impossibility of reaching perfection this side of earth. The place I was in just couldn't handle the constant onslaught of negativity. I have noticed a marked change in my mood since changing my input.

Input without a doubt is a needed ingredient on the path to transformation. If I were to make the necessary changes to my diet (input) I would be seeing significant transformation in my body, energy level, and overall health. You can not just push, push, push, without taking in what is needed. There is a balance needed. If you only do the output you will simply add to what you already have and that will be a mess. If you change the input you may find a change but not complete (no shape, form, or strength). There is one last piece to all this that can not be forsaken.

The final piece to transformation is Attitude. If I change my diet, workout hard, but don't change my attitude, I'm in a world of trouble. I used to view working out as a hassle, boring, something you have to make yourself do-not something you want to do. If I maintain that mentality about working out it won't be long before I stop going altogether. Same thing with eating healthy (which is the problem). If I think of healthy eating as a pain no change will last. Attitude is the central nervous center of change. It is the gas for the car of transformation. Change your attitude, change your life.

I am on my way to long lasting change. It takes time and effort but I'm not afraid of either one of those. I'm doing good on the output side. Great on the attitude. Soon the input will be efficient and then what is hidden on the inside will be revealed on the outside. 3 Steps, 3 Stages, True Transformation.

DIRECT COMMUNICATION

I am a big fan of direct communication. There are so many benefits to it. You never have to wonder where you stand. You don't have guess about expectations. You can clear the air quickly and work through conflict. Direct communication allows you to minimize misunderstandings and strengthen relationships.

Those that know me know I can be quite direct. I do it out of a desire to be honest and clear about my intentions and thoughts. I think there is a certain level of compassion associated with direct communication. No one is led on. No one is tricked or played. No one is left to look a fool because of misinterpretation.

I'm not one of these people that likes to throw rocks while living in a glass house. I love direct feedback. It is a great pleasure for me to hear about my shortcomings and strengths so I can make changes as I desire to become a better me. The truth hurts sometimes. But the truth also sets you free. I'll take pain and freedom any day over a painless form of slavery.

Now, as much as I like direct communication I found myself in quite a predicament this morning. My family was paid a visit by the most unlikely of people. A beautiful Brazilian woman had accompanied close family friends to our home. This woman was stunning. A vision of perfection to steal a line from Coming to America. My mother quickly swooped down upon this young woman with a myriad of questions.

How old are you? Are you single? Followed by statements such as, "I don't have time to play?" I quickly moved to apologize to our gorgeous guest so as not to make her any more uneasy than she already was. Our guest was graceful and replied with a smile. Leave it to my mom to make one of my life principals a complete embarrassment for me.

Nevertheless, I maintained my stance on direct communication. My Uncle asked me, "Isn't she beautiful." I replied in her presence with a smile, "That goes without saying." I believe in complimenting people and letting them know that you recognize them...Direct Communication.

After the young lady departed our family home my grandmother made a statement that took me by surprise. She said, "You'd have plenty of babies if you married that one." All I could do is laugh and agree. Hey, when you're right you're right. I guess direct communication is a family trait. The apple never falls far from the tree.

BUYER BEWARE!

My best friend has a theory concerning why woman find themselves so disappointed in the mate they have chosen. Ya see, my friend believes there is a fundamental difference between men and women concerning how they choose those they engage with on an intimate level.

My friend states that women purchase (make relational decisions) based upon the "potential" of the individual. In other words, women try to look into the crystal ball of life and see if a man will be a good provider, father, husband, lover, successful, etc... Women are writing scripts without paper or pen. It's one thing to believe in a persons skills and abilities and something completely different to count on that person to one day fulfill their full potential.

Potential is just that, potential. Meaning, possible as oppose to actual. This is a major source of distress in relationships. Samuel Chand states that, "conflict is the difference between expectation and reality." Since women make decisions based upon expectation and potential they have set in motion a clear path to conflict.

Don't get me wrong, we all have expectations when we enter into any type of agreement, be it relational or not. The issue is that few agreements come with the same impact and consequence as a relationship. The conflict that arises from such expectations are magnified more so by the approach of the man.

On the opposite side of women purchasing products on the spectrum of "potential" is the man who purchases the product before him. Men don't enter into a relational agreement with hopes of a woman losing weight, becoming a better cook, working if she said she wasn't, or any other issues (There is one exception to this rule: Men will hope against hope that there female counterpart will become more open sexually.) By and large, men take a woman as they are. They also have no expectation for change on their own part.

You can see how this creates conditions for a perfect storm. On one hand you have women going into the relationship with expectation for change to meet their wants. On the other hand you have men going in with little to no expectation for change on any parties part. I experienced this because I have great upside.

I'm a smart, intelligent, spiritual, hard working man with two degrees. I have family members with a pedigree of upper middle/upper class that I was at one point closely connected with (in other words...networking). While in college I held internships at a major law firm, at one point held two jobs while going to school full time, attended dinners with the upper echelon, and met high ranking political officials via my family. Add to that, my regular maintenance of leadership in various organizations and a woman might think the future is looking bright.

I sincerely believe my wife held this view of me. I remember one of her close friends telling her, "One thing you know for sure...he will always work." It was good to have someone in my corner that believed in me. However, belief turned to expectation. Then reality set in and conflict arose. My wife bought the potential. She got the reality. And then had difficulty accepting the facts. This led to disaster.

I only ask that you be smart about your choices in love. Don't set yourself up for failure. Take a person just as they are. If they grow it's a bonus. If they maintain, you got what you paid for. I believe that this approach would make all the difference in relationships. If you can't take someone as they are then my advice would be, BUYER BEWARE.

GAME OVER

I read a book a few months ago that I may have mentioned once before. It is call the Denzel Principal by Jimi Izrael. It is a fascinating book about relationships between black men and women from a man's perspective. I found it to be quite enjoyable and informative at the same time.

The book addresses the dilemma of black women's cry that they can't find a good black man. Izrael theorizes that the problem is the unrealistic expectations widely accepted and pursued by Black women. I believe much of what he has to say to be true. Don't get me wrong, I don't agree with all of Mr. Izrael's opinions (the book gets pretty wild), but I do think he has cause. I highly recommend you purchase a copy for the shear purpose of entertainment alone.

One of the points Izrael makes clear is that men are no match for women when it comes to playing games. We are outmatched both in wit and strategy. He appeals that men should recognize this truth from the jump so as not to fool themselves and fall further into the trap. The game of relationships is clearly in the arena of women. Relationships are their specialty. From their beginning they study them, form them, pursue them, and destroy them. We are no match for their skill.

I have come to accept this as truth. I have never been much of a gamer. As smart as I may think I am I can't quite crack the relationship code. The volley back and forth between myself and women is a source of "enjoyable frustration." It's enjoyable because I find women so intriguing (I love em'). And frustrating because I can't figure them out.

Relationships are not mathematical equations. They are not even an art. They are something of another dimension. Women live in this dimension. Men can't find the portal. I was outmatched by a woman recently. Her eyes spoke so much while her voice so little. I longed to know the truth of her thoughts but she would only speak in riddles and circular logic (on purpose I might add). So, there I was and am at the mercy of a woman that is enjoying every bit of the cat and mouse game. Helpless to stop myself. Hopeless to figure out the mystery that is femininity.

Man's great disadvantage to women may speak to the reason so many men choose a significant other in the a younger age bracket. A woman that has had any exposure to the world is a steep challenge to overcome and conquer. They have played the game, been burned, and have learned the ways of the feminine relationship samurai. Younger women typically have not progressed to this level of relationship mastery. A wise man can shape and mold her as she is still a spring chicken, a new blossoming flower ripe for picking. Point men.

I submit to the supremacy of women in this area. I'm not going to try to out game them or to even figure it out. I don't make the rules (which can change from moment to moment). I don't draw the lines of play. I am simply one of many on the field of battle trying my best to make to safety and not be destroyed by it all. I hope I don't use up all of my lives as I maneuver through the land minds of the female mind. If I do, GAME OVER!

Courage

This journey of life has taught me one clear lesson, COURAGE is needed. Courage is defined as: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty. It is without doubt that life will encompass danger, fear, and difficulty. So, what is one to do with such promising prospects?

You have only two real choices when faced with life's harsh realities. The first choice is to cower and shrink back from the world before you hoping to hold on to what you have left. This is not a great option. One of the great truisms of life is that you are either gaining or losing. Rarely can one simply maintain. Money is either increasing or decreasing. The same with strength, wisdom, spiritual formation and so on. Hence the decision to shrink back and hold is actually a decision to slowly lose all. This type of thing will frustrate an individual because he won't know why he is losing when he isn't moving? Answer; because while you are standing still everything else is moving on.

The second choice one is presented with is to put your head down and run forward as hard as you can enduring the blows and gaining ground. This is the option I have chosen. You can't avoid pain, suffering, heartbreak, fear, difficulty, or loss. What you can do is continue to move forward and enjoy life's experiences as they come. You can make every moment count. A courageous life is not a life void of fear. It is life in the midst of fear. It is the ability to enjoy the great pleasures while persevering through great pain and learning from it.

Jesus Christ, the greatest man to have ever walked the earth, was not void of disappointment. He was not without danger. Yet, he pressed on through life with determination and purpose. I hold him as our highest and greatest example. He is the model for living. Hence, though life may crucify you, you must press through the it all to get to the other side of joy...which is redemption.

One of my favorite movies is The Matrix. Agent Smith, the primary villain, is at one point completely destroyed by Neo the hero. At the beginning of the next installment of the movie series Agent Smith leaves a message fore Neo. In the message he thanks Neo for setting him free. It may be rare that you learn a life lesson from a villain but one is here. It was in the destruction of Agent Smith's paradigm of existence that he truly lived life and was set free. He was no longer operating by fear but by a fearless determination to continue on.

I plead with you to choose the road of courage. The road of fear and disappointment only produces the same. It is a miserable living with so few benefits. This life promises pain and suffering. I ask the question, "If you are going to suffer, why not suffer for a purpose?" There is no purpose in fear. Purpose can be found in courage.

Is it real?

Lately, folks that are close to me have questioned the authenticity of my recovery. They wonder if I am masking, faking, or putting up a front to cover the pain I feel inside. I don't knock the question because it does seem as though I have made some long jumps from being emotionally distraught to relatively stable.

I have not tried to put up a front. If you know me you know that I try to be as honest and direct as possible. I have know interest in fooling others. At the end of the day I would only be fooling myself. I have long held the belief that a person should be able to put there whole heart and passion into pursuing their dreams, goals, and aspirations, and recover and continue on if they fall short.

This takes great emotional strength. Most people find the disappointments of life so frustrating that they can not continue to even think about dreams much less pursue them. There is something to not trying so you never feel the sting of failure. Please be certain, the breakdown of my marriage was indeed a failure. In fact, it is likely my greatest failure. Nevertheless, I press on.

Only time will tell if I am "keeping it real." I am hopeful, energized, and driven to press on at this moment in time. I am enjoying life in every aspect and at every moment. I don't live and die on every instance that takes place. Instead, I take things as they come and recognize that ups and downs are a reality of life. I have found great freedom and comfort in the truth of ebb and flow.

Hear me clearly, I am not 100% healed. The pain cuts deep. Yet, I won't allow my pain to stop me from living life. For the first time in a while I think I understand the point of continuing to live even in the midst of the 9/11 tragedy. It wasn't that we were to ignore the crushing blow we suffered as a nation. It was that we would press through and show our resolve even in our grief and sorrow. I have sad times. I have regrets. I have pain. None of that will stop me from living life. Is it real? Only time will tell.