JUST ME AND MY BEER...

Coming up in the hood one of my favorite rap songs was "Me and My Bitch" by Biggie Smalls. The song is a sort of a gangstas sonnet of sorts. Essentially, it's about a ride or die chic that is down for whatever when it comes to her man. It's a song about loyalty and reckless abandoned in relationships. I wish I could report that I'm enjoying a "me and my bitch" moment here late on a Sunday night. But I'm not.

Loyalty has always been a Major issue when it comes to relationships of any kind for me. It is a big issue when you come up in the hood. Loyalty can make all the difference in life or death, jail or freedom, safety or danger. Again, it's major. I remember dropping people off my list of friends quickly once it was evident that they had no loyalty. In a world of uncertainty and danger you can't afford to take chances like that.

Loyalty was one of the things that attracted me to my wife. If you were to ask her she would deny it but once upon a time she told me she would be willing to go to jail for me. My mother can recall a heated argument turned physical between she and I where my wife stood in front of me as a warning that she was down for whatever to protect me. My mother stated that was a sign that I was in good hands. Those hands no longer exist in my reality.

In any event, I sit here tonight with another dependable friend...my beer. I had plans to hang out with the fellas and watch the game at a local establishment. Both of my boys fell through for legitimate reasons. That left me home alone. So, in my time of loneliness I turned to the dependable ride or die chic that's cold as ice and can keep you as warm as the sun...Beer.

I remember taking my substance abuse course in grad school and the professor making the statement that alcohol is dependable. No matter what, you will get the same results every time. As Billy D used to say, "Colt 45, works every time." I can't lie the saying is true. You keep pumping enough alcohol into your system and you will get the effect you're looking for.

So here I am, my wife has failed me, my friends fell through, the female friend who's company I desired was not available. Therefore, I have turned to old faithful. I don't know how much I will drink. I don't know if I will drink till drunk. What I do know is that I'm going to enjoy myself, this beer, my snacks, and this game. Tonight, it's just me and my beer.

IT'S COMPLICATED

The phrase, "It's Complicated," is commonly used to identify the relationship status of many on social networks. It is a loaded term with all types of implications. For some complication means that, "I'm in a relationship but things aren't going the way I want them too." For others, "I'm sexing someone. It ain't official but I'm not going to engage others on that level." You have those that just won't allow their mind to catch up with the reality that they actually don't have a relationship. The "complicated" term covers that and so much more.

Whatever the reason people use that "complicated" term they are right about one thing; RELATIONSHIPS ARE COMPLICATED. When you look at all the pieces that go into a relationship it can make your head spin right off your body. There is the issue of attraction. You may be attracted to one and they may not. This is a major problem as physical attraction is typically the first thing to catch someones attention.

There is the issue of availability. Let's say that you do cross paths with a person that shares your attraction...how likely is it that you are both available at the same time? This might be one of the most difficult issues to overcome. Since we live in a place where people don't like to be alone for any significant period of time folks tend to quickly move from relationship to relationship. Even if folks would be willing to leave one for the other that doesn't instill much confidence in the one that is stealing that individual away. They might as well put that relationship on the clock...their time will be up soon.

Moving on, let's say that you are attracted and available; now comes the issue of compatibility. It's one thing to see someone that has the physique you find attractive. It's another for them to be available, however that might come about. And it is a whole other issues when it comes to, "do we click?" Compatibility has so many factors to it; finances, values, religion, upbringing, culture, ethnicity, ambition, drive, habits, etc...etc.... This is where things can get really tough. Some people temporarily give up what they hold dear in order to advance the relationship. But, where are you advancing it if you aren't honest about what you value? Answer: destruction.

Ok, ok, let's say that you have those first three issues covered. Now you have to get down to the details. Do we both want kids? Do we want to get married or just shack? Is this an open relationship or a closed relationship? Is lots of money important? Do we want to live in the same place? Do I have tons of baggage from previous relationships? Are we on the same time table with things? Is it all about what's "in" or does practicality and value matter? And on and on...

It is amazing in some ways that people ever get married and stay together. There are just so many considerations. Some of these issues matter (values, morals, children...). Some don't (fashion, style, SWAG...). If you are lucky enough to cross paths with someone that looks like they meet these requirements I say go for it. Most things can be overcome if you are dedicated to the person, to the institution of marriage, and God. If you're only dedicated to yourself then you should scrap relationships altogether. Man...IT'S COMPLICATED.

MY BUCKET LIST

Have you ever seen the movie the Bucket List? It's a pretty good movie if I do say so myself. The message contained within the movie is what really makes it worth while. If you haven't had the pleasure of viewing the movie then you may know what a bucket list is already. In the rare event that you have neither seen the movie nor know what a bucket list is then allow me to give a quick layman's definition. A Bucket List is simply things you want to do in life before you kick the bucket (die).

With that eloquent definition in your mind I will now proceed to share my Bucket List. These are in no particular order of importance. So, here we go:

1. Visit Rome-I just want to see the Vatican up close and personal. The artistry looks incredible and it is so rich with history.

2. Visit Israel-This is another place of interest due to it's religious significance. I want to walk where Jesus walked.

3. Go to a Super Bowl game-I once won tickets to a Super Bowl but didn't retrieve them in time. Talk about being sick to your stomach and missing a once in a lifetime opportunity.

4. Visit New York City-I have only driven by New York City. I have never been in New York City. I have to experience the greatest city on earth.

5. Make one appearance at a comedy club on amateur night-I have been told I am funny my entire life going back to elementary school. I figured I'd give amateur night a go to see what I've got. I've got jokes but I have to save them for when that day comes.

6. Pen at least one of the 12 books I have in my head-I am constantly being inspired to write books on all types of subjects. I would like to put one in print before my life ends.

7. Visit Las Vegas-Who doesn't want to go to Sin City? It looks like fun if you're a gambler or not.

8. Get Married again-Ya know, it seems crazy to even put that in print but I know who I am. I would like to be married again. Of course, with much greater success than the first marriage.

9. Tour the White House-As a kid I wanted to be the first Black President. It would seem that Bill Clinton beat me to that one. So, instead of living in the White House I would just like to visit the White House.

10. Move-I want to leave the area known as North East Ohio. It's not a bad place I just want to see what else is out in the world.

11. More Kids-I always wanted at least 4 kids. Right now I've got two. It won't happen the way I wanted it to (all kids same parents) but it can happen. We shall see.

12. See a Steelers Game-My dad took me to a Steelers game at the old Three Rivers Stadium. It was against the bears. It was late 80's. Bubby Brister was the QB. We lost. My cheese fries froze. We lost, nuff said. I want to go to a modern era game.

13. Learn a Second Language-I really want to learn another language. If I could do it all over again I would have double majored with a second language as one of those majors. It can help you get paid. It can help you get laid. It's cool.

14. Own a Business-I have always wanted my own business. I don't mean some multilevel marketing business either. I want something that has my name on it. Built from the ground up. I have tried but without success.

15. Grow a Goatee-It might seem funny but the only reason I started shaving is to grow a Goatee. I thought women would like it so I figured I would rock one. Problem is, It won't grow in the middle. I must see it complete before I die.

16. Eat at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse-I love food. I really love beef. Ruth's Chris is not the most expensive restaurant in the world but it does cost. I want my steak brought to the table on a 500 degree plate.

17. Buy a Car of my Choice-I really want to be able to purchase a vehicle that I really want brand new off the lot. I've had a brand new car off the lot but it wasn't my choice (cost, funds, credit, all issues). Just once I want to walk in and buy what I want.

18. Brew my own Beer-I love beer. Nothing could be cooler than making your own brand.

19. Enter a Rib Cook-Off Contest-I am a fan of BBQ. I have been told that I do pretty well by most folks that have partaken of my work. I would like to put my skills to the test and see how I do.

20. Take a Cruise-They look so cool. I just want to get on one and eat and drink myself to oblivion. Of course, I would like to reserve that for when I have female company (though I've been told the single cruises are off the chain).

That is all I have for now. If I find more I may share them with you. Of course, then again I may not. I mean, if it's something freaky I may not want that to get out there. Ya know, people look at you all weird and stuff. Anyway, I digress. If I come up with more then I may revisit the issue.

IS SEX OVERATED?

Sex has always been a major issue in my life. As a man I have thought about sex since I can remember. I can recall being a five year old boy watching Dukes of Hazard with my family and telling them, "I'm gonna git in Daisy's butt!" Imagine that from a five year old kid. Anyway, Sex has always been in the picture of my life in some way, shape, or form.

It has been said that men think about sex every 8 seconds on average. That is a lot of sexual stimulation, roughly 7 times a minute. I have also been told, read, experienced, that sex is not that big a deal for women. I think this is still true. However, there has been some change in the attitude and approach to sex that women are taking. Few of them appear healthy....

Anyway, in one of many discussion on the issue I was told by two separate women that sex is overrated. I highly contest the legitimacy of such claims. I have argued that they were doing it wrong or haven't done it at all. To me, as to most men, sex is like the greatest thing on the face of the earth. I contend that there are few things a man would choose above sex. If a man had a choice between life without sex, or sex and immediate death...I'm putting my money on sex and death.

Despite the heavy weight I place on sex I have started to reconsider my claim. There may be instances where sex is overrated. Since I was married so long it was hard for me to think of sex outside of the context of an emotionally intimate relationship. Hence, I'm thinking when you care for someone how could sex be overrated. This is not the context others are speaking in.

Sex outside of marriage (I'll even give deeply committed relationship) is overrated. There may be some excitement, some pay off, some pleasure...but absent of the emotional, mental, spiritual connection it's just not that great of an experience. I remember experiences like that where I find myself drifting off during physical engagement. The power, the excitement, the punch, just wasn't there.

In some ways there is something animalistic about sex when the other factors aren't present. It's akin to having sex with a doll or something. In the end it's just two warm bodies coming together. It is a sterile exchange of physical activity and fluid. That picture leaves much to be desired.

There may be times when sex is incredible no matter what the connection. It's hard to see in some ways. If the goal is to get your rocks off why not just beat your dick into submission and call it a day. No concerns for disease, pregnancy, loose lips, or fatal attractions. There is a lot at risk when you consider the lack of connection present in such situations. I might be wrong on both counts...but for now I'm going to stick to my guns. There are times when sex can be overrated.

Separated Vs. Legally Divorced

As I travel on this journey I am learning new things daily. One of the things that is a repeating theme as of late is the discussion of my "legal" status. Some of the women I've been spending time with find my legal status as a married man a real issue. In fact, they have put me in the "friendship" zone on that issue alone.

I find that the women of Caucasian persuasion don't seem to have this issue. They take it in stride and move on like ain't nothing ever happened. Black women treat me like the plague and with good reason. I know many a man has sold the story that he and his wife were through. Only for the woman that bought the story to find that he is still married and living with his wife...maybe still making babies. Damn, played again. Like all situations, the bad guys screw the good guys.

With that in mind I'm not knocking these women. If I was a woman I would be hesitant as well. Key word in that last statement, "WOMAN." I don't think men have this issue when it comes to women. if a woman says that she's separated and headed for divorce I don't think the man would altar his plans or behavior not one bit. In fact, most men wouldn't be mad if that woman ended up back with their husband as long as they got what they wanted.

I asked a woman how would our relationship be different if I weren't "legally" married? She said that she couldn't answer the question because she doesn't even allow her mind to go there because I am married. I don't believe men have this gift of thought stoppage. The most dedicated, religious, faithful, of men I know still have thoughts that take them all the way to the bedroom in a matter of moments about women. For men, thoughts aren't the issue. Behavior is. As a faithfully, dedicated, married man my thoughts went lots of places. My actions never went anywhere.

Maybe the issue is because women thrive on fantasy and romance. They love the romance novels, the smooth R&B songs, the sappy chic flicks. Fantasy is a woman's bread and butter (see soap opera). Perhaps women know that if they allow themselves to think it, they will eventually do it. If that is the case then they should protect themselves cause there are few men that would refuse a woman's advance (maybe a gay man...and even then-Maybe).

Men don't have this hang up. We don't have this issue. Men could care less if a woman is single, separated, divorced, or just having an argument. For most men (those without any conviction to stop them) are like, "Hey, it's on tonight." Maybe that is the difference between men and woman, what relationships mean, and how physical encounters are interpreted. Whatever it is, it's not an issue. So, women keep your morals and suspicions about so-called separated men. Check the legal documents for brotha's that claim they're divorced. And, don't go out after having an argument with your husband cause we will be waiting and ready.

LEARN WHAT YOU CAN, WHILE YOU CAN

I cooked some Italian baked chicken wings for dinner tonight. It was a recipe I learned from my wife. I always enjoyed it when she cooked it. After a while I started cooking it myself. As I was cooking I was thinking about what a phenomenal cook my wife is. I was thinking about her mac and cheese, her Italian sausage bread, and a whole lot of other foods. One thing she could do is burn.

As I was cooking I was thinking how I should have paid more attention when I was helping her cook. I know the ingredients that goes into these things but I don't' know the amounts or the process. Man, I missed out. Would it be wrong to ask her to cook me something just for old times sake? Anyway, I started thinking about all the people that I have had an opportunity to know and all of the great gifts they possessed. So many of them had something that you could learn.

People are full of such talents and skills. What they bring to the table in their life experience, education, and training is incredible. I've always sought to learn from those around me but I don't know that I've always "got it." I can remember my brother in law telling me about how he was quickly promoted through the ranks as a Marine. It wasn't about his hard work, it was about his relationships. I missed it. I thought he was just talking. I'm just now figuring that out...relationships are everything.

I didn't think my wife would be lost on me so soon. I didn't think my Grandfather was going to go when he did. I didn't think my short stint in practicing law (never a lawyer, just an intern) would have ended so soon. The point; learn as much as you can, as fast as you can, while you can. You don't know how long you have with someone and their gifts. You don't know when you will need them. Life stops and turns on a dime. Don't miss out cause you thought you had more time.

SCARED

I have had the pleasure of enjoying the company of various women over the past few weeks. Each encounter has been different and enjoyable. With some we are clearly friends and so we hang out almost like fellas with a ting of physical/emotional tension in the backdrop. With some we are old friends reconnecting. They're in love with someone already and the meeting is strictly platonic. And then, some have an attraction based component to them.

Each relationship seems to mean something different. Some are simply for the enjoyment of a persons company. It's nice to just chill and talk, honestly and openly. With other's you would like more but know you can't. And with others, you know more is available but you don't know if you should take it there. It's a strange place to be.

The truth of the matter is that I'm scared. I'm scared of what might happen. I'm scared of how I will be perceived. I'm scared of what and who I am. I'm scared of the consequences of such actions. I'm scared of letting my heart get caught up again. It's a scary world out there. I don't know if I'm brave enough for it.

I feel good about myself. And in many ways, I'm forcing myself to take chances just for the sake of trying something different. I'm not going to be too risky but I am going to do some things different. My biggest scare is hurting someone else. I don't want to blindly cause harm to others unknowingly. I can deal with my own hurt. Been there, doing that. I just have a tough time with causing harm to others.

I keep telling myself that people are adults and responsible for their actions and consequences. I keep saying that all I can do is put the facts on the table. Once that is done what happens happens. However, there is a part of me (good guy) that feels a sense of responsibility to look not only around my corner but that of others for their own good. I feel that even if I hear words saying one thing, yet I see another I need to take corrective action on their part.

I have done this already. One woman I was hanging out with started having dreams that we had gotten married. That was clue number one to break camp. I had made myself obviously clear that I was in no way ready for a serious relationship. Despite my many warnings her mind was going places I never intended to. We didn't even get physical. God only knows what would have happened if we did.

Now part of me says, "To hell with that. I made myself clear. Get yours, she knows what's up." I could justify my actions by saying that I warned her. Yet, I know my conscience wouldn't let that go. Hence, I cut her lose for her own good. Mine too. However, as one of my friends said recently, "A man can only be a gentleman for so long." Ain't that the truth.

So, here I am. Scared of what could happen and yet trying to live life. I really wish I didn't care so much. I wish I didn't think so much. I wish I didn't look around the corner but just looked at what was in front of me. I could always plea ignorance if things go bad. After all, who hasn't used that before?