SCARED

I have had the pleasure of enjoying the company of various women over the past few weeks. Each encounter has been different and enjoyable. With some we are clearly friends and so we hang out almost like fellas with a ting of physical/emotional tension in the backdrop. With some we are old friends reconnecting. They're in love with someone already and the meeting is strictly platonic. And then, some have an attraction based component to them.

Each relationship seems to mean something different. Some are simply for the enjoyment of a persons company. It's nice to just chill and talk, honestly and openly. With other's you would like more but know you can't. And with others, you know more is available but you don't know if you should take it there. It's a strange place to be.

The truth of the matter is that I'm scared. I'm scared of what might happen. I'm scared of how I will be perceived. I'm scared of what and who I am. I'm scared of the consequences of such actions. I'm scared of letting my heart get caught up again. It's a scary world out there. I don't know if I'm brave enough for it.

I feel good about myself. And in many ways, I'm forcing myself to take chances just for the sake of trying something different. I'm not going to be too risky but I am going to do some things different. My biggest scare is hurting someone else. I don't want to blindly cause harm to others unknowingly. I can deal with my own hurt. Been there, doing that. I just have a tough time with causing harm to others.

I keep telling myself that people are adults and responsible for their actions and consequences. I keep saying that all I can do is put the facts on the table. Once that is done what happens happens. However, there is a part of me (good guy) that feels a sense of responsibility to look not only around my corner but that of others for their own good. I feel that even if I hear words saying one thing, yet I see another I need to take corrective action on their part.

I have done this already. One woman I was hanging out with started having dreams that we had gotten married. That was clue number one to break camp. I had made myself obviously clear that I was in no way ready for a serious relationship. Despite my many warnings her mind was going places I never intended to. We didn't even get physical. God only knows what would have happened if we did.

Now part of me says, "To hell with that. I made myself clear. Get yours, she knows what's up." I could justify my actions by saying that I warned her. Yet, I know my conscience wouldn't let that go. Hence, I cut her lose for her own good. Mine too. However, as one of my friends said recently, "A man can only be a gentleman for so long." Ain't that the truth.

So, here I am. Scared of what could happen and yet trying to live life. I really wish I didn't care so much. I wish I didn't think so much. I wish I didn't look around the corner but just looked at what was in front of me. I could always plea ignorance if things go bad. After all, who hasn't used that before?