Resurrection Power

On this Easter Sunday I look back over the past year and I am thankful for God's grace. One year ago my marriage came to a screeching halt. I could not sleep. I could not rest. I could not find peace. Not even the assistance of drugs could provide a good nights sleep. One thing did happen to provide significant dependable assistance in finding rest, ALCOHOL. Not exactly the drink of champions.

I had counted my life as worthless. Having counted my life as worthless I had serious thoughts to kill myself. I was homicidal, suicidal, and hopeless. I had drugs, alcohol, and no one to stop me. I even looked to get a hold of a firearm for purposes of vengeance. One night while laying in the bed I could focus on nothing but ending it all. I was so close it scares me.

At that time I couldn't see past the moment. There was nothing in life at that time worth suffering through. There was nothing in my mind that could have held me here. Today could very well be the anniversary of my death. My children would have suffered. My family would have suffered. My friends would have suffered. And although I thought I was escaping suffering I would likely have suffered from taking the reigns of life from God.

It was by God's grace and mercy that I did not execute my plan. I'd like to tell you that things immediately improved but that's not reality. Truth is, I continued to struggle. I struggled financially, emotionally, spiritually, vocationally, and in any number of other ways. I nearly lost my home. I was investigated by my employer at the request of my supervisor. I am currently facing possible layoffs from work. The bank made a mistake that almost cost me a thousand dollars or more and on and on...struggles have abounded. Yet, I'm happy to be alive.

I'm happy to be alive because I have my children, my pride and joy! I'm happy to be alive because God aloud me to play a part in helping my best friend realize his dream! I'm happy because I have come to a new understanding of my faith and what it truly means to be Christian. I'm happy because I am alive, I have hope, I have a future, and God is not finished with me yet.

I know what it feels like to face your deepest fears. I know what it feels like to believe that there is nothing left to fight for, no reason to live. I know what it feels like to be alone with your darkest thoughts. I have been to the edge of reason and logic. I have been to the ends of myself. I now know a foretaste of what Resurrection will be like. My life was over. I was dead. Now I am alive. Thank you Jesus!

Saving History

While cleaning my office I came across a note I left for my wife after an argument we had. It was an apology letter. I don't know what the argument was about or what the situation was. I share this with you because I want to save this digitally as I am throwing away the original. Here is a look into my heart:

Dear______

I know that what I am about to say will not fix everything and make it all better. We have some very serious issues to deal with in our marriage and I don't want to minimize that. I did want to tell you what I want. I want to spend time with you in a way that makes you want to spend time with me. I want to be your favorite person in the world, above all others. I want our marriage, friendship, and passion to grow. I want these things to come not only from a sense of commitment, but from a passionate, loving, relationship. I don't want to bore you with my over analyzing and boring topics (boring to you). I want things to be fun again. I want you to be free again to talk to me about every and anything. I love you and I love our kids. I am committed to doing whatever it takes to make our marriage work. Please, be patient with me? Please, work with me? Please, forgive me? I love you and I always will (even when I don't act like it).

Sincerely and with all my heart,


________

UP, DOWN AND OUT

A few weeks ago I had my first casino experience. It was a thrilling three hours. I was up. I was down. I was up again, down again, and finally out. It was probably the funnest $20 I've spent. There was the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and finally the reality that I didn't want to lose anymore money. Pumped with adrenaline I had a flash of confidence. With that confidence I did something I almost never do. I asked someone out that violates some of my rules for dating.

My invitation for a night out was much like my casino experience. I was up, down, and I might be out. The person I asked out seemed as shocked about my request as I was about my burst of boldness. At first I was going to lie and claim that it was simply an April's fools joke. That was the back up plan for rejection. Yet, being the way I am I told them the truth and my back up plan. They got a good laugh out of it as I knew they would.

The problem is, I'm not sure where things stand. I was given reasons why they would go out with me. Reasons why they wouldn't. All that included the offer of there phone number and conversation. Yet, no number has come. Seeking to take the pressure off, I offered my phone number. It has yet to be used. I figured that since I didn't get the digits, the number, or a simple text message that I had crashed and burned. GAME OVER! However, I can't seem to close the door on my hopes for success.

This person has maintained contact with me and jokes quite regularly. This has left me confused as can be. As I've said before, I'm horrible at reading people when I'm engaged in it up close and personal. On one hand I would think that if you weren't interested you would avoid me like the plague. On the other hand, I'm thinking they may be interested because they continue to engage. So much like my casino experience I have an opportunity to cash in my chips and check out. Much like the casino experience I'm going to hang around till I'm spent.

What might be even more crazy is that I don't have a strong desire to engage in physical contact. I really just want to spend time with the person. I'm not sure what that's about. Emotional interest is normally accompanied by physical attraction and a strong desire to "GET IT ON!" I am attracted to this woman. I think she has a classic beauty. At the same time, sex is so far away from my mind. I think that's a good thing. I'll let you know how it all turns out. For right now I'm going to stay my hand.

IT WAS SPRING WHEN KINGS GO OFF TO WAR

My good friend has often warned me of the dangers of spring. He recites the line, "It was spring when Kings go off to war." That line is from the story of David and Bathsheba. Theirs is a story of passion, betrayal, deceit, scandal, and murder. My friend uses this story to illustrate the stirring of passion and emotion that comes with the new spring season. I often laugh and shrug it off. I can laugh no longer, for Spring is upon us and I'm feeling stirred.

I'm not in the mood for sex. Sex is available. It's not just the desire for female company. That too is available and on occasion I take advantage of those that would share their company with me. Despite the availability of companionship and intercourse, I feel that something is missing. I'm not finding the connection of the two in one. At the same time I'm stirred and find myself looking at women like a piece of meat dangled in front of a lion in captivity.

I've been trying to lay low and keep things under wraps. I go out from time to time. I enjoy myself. But I'm not on a mission to "score" as I was before. Instead I'm just trying to enjoy the scenery. Yet, my heart wants something more. I suppose I should be at war. Instead I'm held up in the castle looking for a bathing beauty. I'm hopeful this story doesn't end with deceit, murder, scandal, and the like. But if it does, I hope it all works out for the better.

CAPTURED

While wondering through a local Wal-Mart I felt the need to purchase some new reading material. I've been reading black love/drama novels for the better part of the past of the past year. In the past I've found such things to be a waste of time and offer little to the human experience. I was a literature snob. I've come to find that I was incorrect in my quick blow off of such works. I've found them to be quite insightful on the human experience. They capture thoughts, motives, emotions, values, and even dreams of many. Despite my enjoyment of such material, I felt the need to return to more meaningful material.

With that in mind, I decided to pick up A million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. I didn't have to go far to be deeply impacted by the book. Contained in the author's note at the beginning of the book is a story about a man that dreams of owning a Volvo. He works his whole life to get this car and finally he does. That's the story. That's it, nothing more. Miller ask if that would make people cry? Of course, that story doesn't make people cry. It's a life without significance. A life of no consequence. Who gives a damn if you bought a Volvo or not? If anything, I would cry out because of the sorrow brought out by the sadness of the story.

It didn't stop there. In the first chapter Miller opens with this, "THE SADDEST THING about life is you don't remember half of it. You don't even remember half of half of it." At this point I was captured. I started to think, "This is my life." I have a tough time remember much of my past. I would gather because so much of it has been insignificant. I suppose I've lost my drive. At one point I had a sense of purpose and meaning. I knew what type of life I wanted. I knew the impact I wanted to have on the world. Somewhere in the midst of the struggle I lost myself.

Mine was not a quest for money or fame. It was a quest for significance in the lives of those around me and beyond for good. I want to return to such a focus. I want to impact people in such a way that it impacts others in there lives. I don't want to add, I want to multiply in an exponential way...goodness. I've got thoughts and ideas on how to do this. I've just got to put hand to plow and get on with it. I've got to do something. The meaningless of life lived for such frivolous things has captured me. I must break free.

ANGRY NO MORE

I'd like to say that all of my anger has subsided toward my ex. That's not quite the case. However, I can say that much of the anger has receded. While discussing an issue about our children this past week I could hear the emotion in her voice and I felt such compassion for her. I didn't seek to console her or communicate my empathy. I just felt it in my body. Truth is, I prayed for her after the phone call. I haven't done that in forever.

It was a strange happening. I actually wanted good things for her. I wanted her stress/despair to come to an end. This wasn't the case just a few weeks ago. Some things will never be the same. Some things can't be repaired. Like Humpty Dumpty, you just can't put this one back together again. What appears to be restored is my humanity toward her and the recognition of our frail make up as people.

I recognize that given the right conditions most of us are capable of doing almost anything. Things happen that are out of our control. Sometimes we experience emotions and thoughts that we can't really explain. I'm moving to a place where I can forgive my ex for her actions. Love is like energy...it can't be destroyed, it can only change forms. I hope that my love moves me to a point of no more anger.

One of Those Days...

Today is just one of those days. It's a day where things are sad. I miss my family today. My kids. Their laugh. Even my wife (who I thought she was, not who she is or was for the moment). I suppose this is the grief process. You have up and down days. You have times where things that you thought had long left you show up front and center.

These things hit like a mack truck. One moment you're rolling along, making it through life. The next, you find yourself wondering how you got here? At this time you wish things were different. You try to find where you went wrong in your decision making? Could this have all been avoided? What if's? rule the day. It's sickening because what if's? are never answered.

Since I'm in the profession I'm in I knew that days like this were likely to come and many more will surely be on their way. I won't let this keep me down. I know better than that. I know that this feeling will pass eventually. But for now, I've just got to feel what I'm feeling. It's just one of those days.