I work with kids that have extreme value and boundary problems. These are kids that believe that Axe really works (that women will fight for them if they wear it). I mean this one. I have been asked on more than one occasion if the commercials are true. These kids believe that what happens in porno's can really happen in real life (the no dialogue, no relationship orgies that break out at the bus stop). These are kids that believe that they are "owed" sex after spending so much money on a woman or taking her out so many times. I'd like to laugh this one off, but I can't.
It appears that this thinking error that a woman's treasure can be purchased and is a silent contract is thought to be true by men and women alike. I've had more than a few confirm this. I personally think it's ridiculous. If you agree to go on a date you only have the obligation to show up. And, even then if things look shady you can deny based on your own free will. There is no dollar amount or date count that entitles a man to the goodies.
If there is a number that works like the combination to the love cabin who sets that standard? Is it the individual woman, the man, some cosmic force that makes the rules for dating? One man might think the trip to the dollar show and McDonald's plus gas money has reached the ceiling for getting his. On the other hand, maybe a trip to Ruth's Chris' is all it takes. Perhaps, it's about the Gucci, Prada, and Coach....who's to say?
Look, all I'm saying is that if you don't want to sleep with a person you shouldn't feel pressure because they have shown some form of chivalry. At the same time you shouldn't use men for free meals, gifts, rent, or gas money. That type of thing is equally appalling. Be honest with yourself, be honest with others, and cut it off before you feel pressure if you can see things are going where you want them to go. The Pressure is off.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
What's the Process?
I have come in contact with quite a few women lately that are either pregnant by or slept with a man that they can't stand. They act as though they never had an interest in the man. Many of them can't say one good word about these men. Being a man, I was dumbfounded by these women's situations. This lead me to ask the question; What's the process?
I'm wondering what is the process a woman goes through to decide if she is going to sleep with a man? Some have suggested that women are just like men and that lust and availability are all that's needed. I might be from the old school on this one, but I always believed that men and women were different when it came to this type of thing. Am I wrong? Am I giving women too much credit by thinking that they are more sophisticated when it comes to this type of thing?
In all sincerity, if you have an opinion or thought on this subject please respond. Do so anonymously if you must. I really want to know what the deal is. I know men will do it just for the sake of physical pleasure with little consideration for the woman, the impact this act might have, or even the level of attraction. Can women really be exactly the same? I got questions, I hope you have answers.
I'm wondering what is the process a woman goes through to decide if she is going to sleep with a man? Some have suggested that women are just like men and that lust and availability are all that's needed. I might be from the old school on this one, but I always believed that men and women were different when it came to this type of thing. Am I wrong? Am I giving women too much credit by thinking that they are more sophisticated when it comes to this type of thing?
In all sincerity, if you have an opinion or thought on this subject please respond. Do so anonymously if you must. I really want to know what the deal is. I know men will do it just for the sake of physical pleasure with little consideration for the woman, the impact this act might have, or even the level of attraction. Can women really be exactly the same? I got questions, I hope you have answers.
Undefined
Lately, I have come in contact with a lot of women that are in relationships that are undefined. These women have all complained about the lack of definition their relationships have had. These women want to be recognized as the official woman of their man (if you can even lay claim to that). They want a logo on the relationship that this woman can not be touched without the express written consent of the nigga she calls her boo.
A label on a relationship gives it boundaries. It gives it rights and responsibilities. In a way, it's a verbal contract that is binding. Violations of said contract are a practical means for ending the agreement. You can see why women would like to have their relationship defined. It is a form of security.
On the other hand, you can see that the undefined relationship offers many benefits to the man. On one hand he can say with a clear conscience at any time to any woman that he is not in a serious relationship. He can mess around with any woman he wants to and doesn't have to explain a thing to the woman that wants more. He's essentially free. He's got the cow, the milk, and the rest of the herd if he so desires. It's a buffet of freak nasty pantie droppers.
If he were to submit to the demands of the woman for a labled relationship he would be tying himself down. This would be a mistake. If he puts boundaries on the relationship by stating that he's committed, in an exclusive relationship, or whatever you want to call it, he will have to negotiate the terms of this agreement. This could prove deadly to his sex game.
Not only would a labeled relationship cause him to be accountable to the woman, it would now shut off all other reasonable avenues of feeding that monster known as his sex drive. It could even slow down the action he has going on with the woman he's with. For some reason women seem more than willing to go the extra mile when they are trying to catch a man. Once they think they have him they suddenly go cold. This drives a man crazy. Not only will he feel forced into a committed relationship he will be pissed that he ain't gettin' none.
I personally think that women are dick whipped when it comes to this type of thing. Most of the time they are already sexually involved. So not only is their heart involved but so are their spirits and bodies. I tend to believe that if sex wasn't involved they would kick a guy to the curb if he wasn't on the same track they were. It's just my opinion on the subject but I think it's true.
So, in the end I think that people should clearly set the boundaries before they engage on that physical level. If you go physical before the table is set you will have already set the boundaries...that would be none. For the man, setting the boundaries might hurt his business. Most women don't like hearing that a man just wants to hit. But, he can at least have a clear conscience. Of course, you could just keep on with the game of undefined.
A label on a relationship gives it boundaries. It gives it rights and responsibilities. In a way, it's a verbal contract that is binding. Violations of said contract are a practical means for ending the agreement. You can see why women would like to have their relationship defined. It is a form of security.
On the other hand, you can see that the undefined relationship offers many benefits to the man. On one hand he can say with a clear conscience at any time to any woman that he is not in a serious relationship. He can mess around with any woman he wants to and doesn't have to explain a thing to the woman that wants more. He's essentially free. He's got the cow, the milk, and the rest of the herd if he so desires. It's a buffet of freak nasty pantie droppers.
If he were to submit to the demands of the woman for a labled relationship he would be tying himself down. This would be a mistake. If he puts boundaries on the relationship by stating that he's committed, in an exclusive relationship, or whatever you want to call it, he will have to negotiate the terms of this agreement. This could prove deadly to his sex game.
Not only would a labeled relationship cause him to be accountable to the woman, it would now shut off all other reasonable avenues of feeding that monster known as his sex drive. It could even slow down the action he has going on with the woman he's with. For some reason women seem more than willing to go the extra mile when they are trying to catch a man. Once they think they have him they suddenly go cold. This drives a man crazy. Not only will he feel forced into a committed relationship he will be pissed that he ain't gettin' none.
I personally think that women are dick whipped when it comes to this type of thing. Most of the time they are already sexually involved. So not only is their heart involved but so are their spirits and bodies. I tend to believe that if sex wasn't involved they would kick a guy to the curb if he wasn't on the same track they were. It's just my opinion on the subject but I think it's true.
So, in the end I think that people should clearly set the boundaries before they engage on that physical level. If you go physical before the table is set you will have already set the boundaries...that would be none. For the man, setting the boundaries might hurt his business. Most women don't like hearing that a man just wants to hit. But, he can at least have a clear conscience. Of course, you could just keep on with the game of undefined.
The Challenge
One of the funniest and most obvious ways people ease their way into a sexual relationship is "The Challenge." It is used by young (teenagers) and old (any age above 30) alike. It is a rather elementary move that can easily be played off as a joke if things go south or pushed forward if things are looking up. What is "The Challenge" you ask? Well, let me tell you.
The Challenge is when one party or another boast about there ability to put it down in the bedroom. This is where men proclaim themselves as cocksmiths. Ya know, "I'll put you in a wheel chair" type stuff. This is where men talk about the two feet of cable they keep on hand for making sure that "connection" is just right. This is, "I get more butt than an ashtray" "I seen more ass than a toilet seat."
On the woman's side. This is where you have claims of turning innocent men into stalkers. This is the "I'll bring you your knees begging for mercy." This is where women brag about all the freaky stuff they've done, do, or want to do. Truth be told, it won't take all that for men. A simple go will suffice for most.
The crazy thing about this is how effective the technique is. It seems to pique the interest of many, both men and women. Folks wander could this one be the real deal. More often than not they find that the expectations were set to high and the product was significantly overpriced.
This really isn't a problem for men because either way it goes, good or bad, they got some ass. That was priority number one. A woman could say a nigga was weak, had a small dick, was a minute man.....whatever. In the end he still got you and that can't ever be taken away. If the tables are turned and the woman ended up sucking (and I don't mean this in a good way) he still got one off with someone else. Again, mission accomplished.
Women tend to be more disappointed. I have talked to quite a few women that engaged a man physically for the soul purpose of curiosity concerning the man's ability to lay the pipe. Sadly, all too often I've heard reports of extreme disappointment. This never seems to work out for the woman. She could spread the tale of this man's woeful performance and it won't damage the man a bit. It might even improve his ability to attract more victims.
I remember being in college. There was a guy that had a rep for being the campus stud. Word was nobody had smashed on more women than he did. At the same time he had the rep of being a minute man with no finesse. This didn't seem to damper his ability to bed women at all. It was funny. It was like women had to see for themselves. The same is true of a man with a rep for delivery. Either way, it seems to work out for the man.
The challenge is a smooth or not so smooth (obvious) way of breaking the ice of cutting to the chase. People use this instead of saying flat out, "Do you want to fuck?" That would be crude and turn people off. Hence, we play the game of "normal" joking conversation all the while hoping it's the opening to a meeting in the bedroom. As Usher said in the Trey Songz hit, Invented Sex, "I'm just playing unless you gonna do it."
The Challenge is when one party or another boast about there ability to put it down in the bedroom. This is where men proclaim themselves as cocksmiths. Ya know, "I'll put you in a wheel chair" type stuff. This is where men talk about the two feet of cable they keep on hand for making sure that "connection" is just right. This is, "I get more butt than an ashtray" "I seen more ass than a toilet seat."
On the woman's side. This is where you have claims of turning innocent men into stalkers. This is the "I'll bring you your knees begging for mercy." This is where women brag about all the freaky stuff they've done, do, or want to do. Truth be told, it won't take all that for men. A simple go will suffice for most.
The crazy thing about this is how effective the technique is. It seems to pique the interest of many, both men and women. Folks wander could this one be the real deal. More often than not they find that the expectations were set to high and the product was significantly overpriced.
This really isn't a problem for men because either way it goes, good or bad, they got some ass. That was priority number one. A woman could say a nigga was weak, had a small dick, was a minute man.....whatever. In the end he still got you and that can't ever be taken away. If the tables are turned and the woman ended up sucking (and I don't mean this in a good way) he still got one off with someone else. Again, mission accomplished.
Women tend to be more disappointed. I have talked to quite a few women that engaged a man physically for the soul purpose of curiosity concerning the man's ability to lay the pipe. Sadly, all too often I've heard reports of extreme disappointment. This never seems to work out for the woman. She could spread the tale of this man's woeful performance and it won't damage the man a bit. It might even improve his ability to attract more victims.
I remember being in college. There was a guy that had a rep for being the campus stud. Word was nobody had smashed on more women than he did. At the same time he had the rep of being a minute man with no finesse. This didn't seem to damper his ability to bed women at all. It was funny. It was like women had to see for themselves. The same is true of a man with a rep for delivery. Either way, it seems to work out for the man.
The challenge is a smooth or not so smooth (obvious) way of breaking the ice of cutting to the chase. People use this instead of saying flat out, "Do you want to fuck?" That would be crude and turn people off. Hence, we play the game of "normal" joking conversation all the while hoping it's the opening to a meeting in the bedroom. As Usher said in the Trey Songz hit, Invented Sex, "I'm just playing unless you gonna do it."
Monday, August 23, 2010
Great Days
Today was a truly Great Day! I was in Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and back again. I spent the day reconnecting with my cousin. It was all love and all good. I had a meal in the Burgh that was Thanksgiving like complete with all the fixins'. There was turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, green beans, and pound cake....LOVE. I was able to see my family; Mom, Grandma, Aunt, Uncle, Step-Dad, Sisters, Cousins, Nephew, Niece....
It's days like this that remind you of the important things in life. It's about family, connection, fellowship...essentially it's about relationships. Connecting with the people you love is truly powerful. It's that feeling of acceptance, understanding, and support that means so much. You can't find that everywhere so value those times when you do.
Life isn't perfect but it can be enjoyable. Don't spend all your time looking at what you don't have. Step back from the grind and the pursuit of happiness and take in what you have right in front of you. Recognize those folks that let you be you and take care to enjoy them. Have a great day!
It's days like this that remind you of the important things in life. It's about family, connection, fellowship...essentially it's about relationships. Connecting with the people you love is truly powerful. It's that feeling of acceptance, understanding, and support that means so much. You can't find that everywhere so value those times when you do.
Life isn't perfect but it can be enjoyable. Don't spend all your time looking at what you don't have. Step back from the grind and the pursuit of happiness and take in what you have right in front of you. Recognize those folks that let you be you and take care to enjoy them. Have a great day!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Consequences
Part of being a good guy is taking into account what impact your decisions will have on another person. A good guy wants to do the most good while causing the least amount of harm. Consequently, they end up trying to look 3, 4, and more moves down the road on Life's Chess Game. This can be difficult on the nice guys progression.
The nice guy will consider what fulfilling his sexual desires means for his partner (s). This includes the emotional impact, the impact on a person's future relationships, etc... The nice guy wants what he wants without consequence. But, there is no decision that can be made without consequence. It is the law of living.
So, this puts the nice guy in a tough spot. He can either forfeit his desires, wants, and needs for the better good of others and be thoroughly frustrated. Or, he can go for his and let the chips fall where they may. It's a tough decision. The nice guy has to decide what he can live with- frustration, guilt, or a callus heart.
The truth is, people are responsible for the decisions that they make. Although a good guy may not want to cause pain to others, he has to come to a place where he recognizes that the people he is dealing with are adults and have decisions of their own to make. This is the reality of life. Each of us is responsible for what we do and don't do.
As a man I need to put all the cards on the table and make my plans clear. In turn, the other party needs to take responsibility for their response. Whatever the decision there will be consequences. Some consequences are good and some not so much. Nevertheless, a decision must be made. And with those decisions there will be consequences.
The nice guy will consider what fulfilling his sexual desires means for his partner (s). This includes the emotional impact, the impact on a person's future relationships, etc... The nice guy wants what he wants without consequence. But, there is no decision that can be made without consequence. It is the law of living.
So, this puts the nice guy in a tough spot. He can either forfeit his desires, wants, and needs for the better good of others and be thoroughly frustrated. Or, he can go for his and let the chips fall where they may. It's a tough decision. The nice guy has to decide what he can live with- frustration, guilt, or a callus heart.
The truth is, people are responsible for the decisions that they make. Although a good guy may not want to cause pain to others, he has to come to a place where he recognizes that the people he is dealing with are adults and have decisions of their own to make. This is the reality of life. Each of us is responsible for what we do and don't do.
As a man I need to put all the cards on the table and make my plans clear. In turn, the other party needs to take responsibility for their response. Whatever the decision there will be consequences. Some consequences are good and some not so much. Nevertheless, a decision must be made. And with those decisions there will be consequences.
WANT SOME, GET SOME
When Snoop Dogg first came on the scene there were high expectations that he would transform rap. He was held as King almost from the jump. His raw hardcore style was on display in Deep Cover and later on The Chronic album. We thought Snoop was going to forever change the landscape of rap. He never lived up to all the hype (it was near impossible), but he has had a good run as an artist overall.
One of Snoops songs, Gz and Hustlas, featured the statement "if you want some, get some, bad enough, take some..." This has been a line that has always stuck with me. It is a statement of truth, simple and yet profound.
When I look out on the world and examine those that have been successful in life they have been "want some, get some" people. What I mean by that is that these folks identify their goals and go for it. They don't waiver, they don't switch, they don't shrink back. These folks put their head down and run full speed ahead to obtain the goal they are seeking out.
The casm between wanting something and getting something is a mile wide and a mile deep. I know lot's of folks that want something (self included) but don't show any real intent on pursuing it. These folks are dreamers, wishers...and most of the time complainers. They complain because they believe the reason they have not gotten some is because they have been dealt a bad hand and are unlucky. They may not be complainers. They may be shy, fearful people that just don't know where to put the first brick en route to building that dream.
On the other hand you have those people that pursue what they want in such a way it causes some to question their grip on reality. These folks believe, strive, scratch and claw for what they want. They go against all odds. These people often prove the naysayers wrong by achieving the impossible and getting what they want.
I have a friend that fits this category (actually I have a few). He had a goal to obtain a six figure salary by age 30. His plan was to obtain this goal via pharmaceutical sales. He struggled for years to get an interview in the field of pharmacy, much less get a job. There were folks that expressed their opinion that he didn't fit the mold. They said he didn't have what it took. He was close to giving up on his goal. It was at that moment of desperation that he grasped the dream he was after for so long. He had put his head down and charged forward. He had myopic vision and it paid off.
Whether it is a career, a relationship, sex, money, education, family, character....whatever, you have to move from wanting some to getting some. I'm in the process of moving in that direction at this time. Talk is cheap. Dreams alone will leave you poor and frustrated. Take action. Like snoop said, "want some, get some, bad enough...take some!"
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