Haunted

I am haunted by loneliness. I am at a time in my life where I truly fear that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. There are women that are interested in me but I just don't feel them like that. There are others I'm interested in but they don't feel me like that. Such is life. To make things worse, I have come to a clear conclusion that I'm tough to live with.

I say I'm an asshole. My best friend says I'm "unique." I say I'm somewhere beyond nerd. Whatever you call it, I'm not what women want. As my friend put it, "you're a old, white, rich, conservative, republican, man stuck in a young, poor, black man's body." What a mix of values, politics, and race. It won't be hard finding one for that guy...

Truth is, it will be hard. I am thoroughly disgusted by those that hold to liberal politics and have no understanding or interest in understanding their own faith. These are the people I come in contact with all day long. I have lived my life trying to be a values driven, congruent, person. I don't think most people think twice about what they say they believe, what they believe, and how they live out those beliefs. Can't do it. Can't be in union with someone that holds a completely opposite view on life, family, faith, and culture.

This being said, I don't know where to look to find someone that is like me. I'd like to say the church, but that's not true. I'd like to say work, but that's not true. I'd like to say places I like to go like sports bars, the library, or the movies....BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE. I have come across a few women that I find attractive that hold my values and interest. But, things are complicated and although we have shared values we also have shared pain...that is the problem.

So, here I sit by myself on a Sunday night. Lonely. Alone. Scared. This just might be it for the rest of my life. It's not that I have to find someone now. It's just that as I look out over the horizon I'm not seeing any light at the end of this tunnel. I wish I could give up my values and beliefs but that person would not be real. He certainly wouldn't be a man. As I prepare to lay down for the evening I'm haunted by this solitude.