FUCKED

There is no help. There is no hope. There is only pain, disappoint, struggle, and then death (if you're lucky). I can't see any way out of this situation that will result in something pleasurable. I can only see a constant decrease in my standard of living. I'm going to be downsizing my house, my car, and likely my job title (in exchange for grunt work that pays more dollars). Worst of all will be the downsizing of seeing my children.

I was just informed last week that my child care expenses are going to double beginning this week. That is a jump from $200 to $400 a month. That plus the cost of my mortgage is the sum total of one take home pay check. Keep in mind this does not include car payment, gas, utilities, insurance, or food. I'm fucked!

Is there a cheaper way out of this? Sure there is. My estranged wife who lives in the vicinity of much of her family could have her family watch my daughter as they have during the summer and during the past school year. But remember, we're talking about my estranged wife. This wouldn't be right to her because it is fiscally smarter, involves asking family for help, does not carry the normal single parent/baby momma amenities of day care pick up where all the finest of folks meet to discuss food stamps and where they're kicking it this weekend. And let's not forget that it would help me.

No. Instead, I will will sell all at a loss, move to an apartment, and take on a job I hate while leaving a job I enjoy and likely won't be able to get back. I don't know what I did to God but sure I have sinned majorly. There is no head way for me. No light at the end of the tunnel. No breaks. I volunteered to work overtime hoping no one else would want to work weekends. Good luck with that. I work one day of OT per every 7-8 weeks. Yeah, that's going to make a dent in this financial nightmare. I'm fucked!

I keep saying it but I can't help it. I don't have cable, I don't have a new car (its 8 years old and dying), I don't kick it, I don't party, I don't even drink (an occasional MGD at the tune of $6, I know I'm killing the budget). I eat at home, I'm broke. I eat out, I'm broke. I don't buy clothes or shoes. I've got the same shoes I've had now for the last year at a total cost of $45. I'm no fashion guru. I really just want a simple life. I really want to be able to pay my bills and see a movie once in a while. Maybe take a woman out to dinner without fear. I"m fucked!

I've read Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. It's a good book. It's practical. It's right and true. However, at this point in time, in this economy, with my circumstances it seems impossible. I can't find part time employment to save my life. Believe me I'm applying and interviewing. The hours were made by people that must be determined to screw the shit out of you because they conflict with almost all other work schedules while only giving you part time employment. I'm fucked!

I've found a woman I can see myself loving. She has restored my faith in women in many ways. She's sweet, kind, caring, and incredibly generous. Yet, my circumstances would communicate a lack of care to bring anyone into this mess. I love you so much I'm going to bring you into a bunch of bullshit! That's not love. Even if I find additional employment I cut off my nose to spite my face. I won't see her again. Like my children, that schedule will be damned!!!! I'm fucked!

I can't really put it any other way. I can't move, I can't move on, I can't get ahead, I can't get help, I have no family support, my friends are old, sick, busy, or disinterested. I'm fucked. The family closest to me is two hours away and growing more ill and broken by the day. There is no assistance to be found there. I'm just happy those folks are still alive. At least I can hear their voices when I call (God knows I can't afford to visit). I'm fucked!

I blame my own foolish decision making on this. I blame the fact I married the woman I married. I blame the fact that out of a sense of faith and commitment I decided to live in a back woods city with a dying economy because I want to "Serve God." How foolish. Looks like I've served nothing. I'm blame myself for fucking around in college and not pursuing law school as planned. I blame myself for desiring to help people and choosing a course of study with a cap on earnings at the average income of people with next to zero education. I blame myself for trying to be responsible and not letting the house and the car go and declaring bankruptcy. I'm fucked!!!!!

I'm sorry for those of you that have read this. I'm sorry that you had to see the vile darkness that's in my heart. The anger, the profanity, the blasphemy, the bitterness. I'm fucked! I hope your lives are on a different course and you have light at the end of your tunnel. Never move away from your family support when you have children. You will need them, especially if the man or woman you had them with turns out to be a piece of shit. Never make a decision to stay in a city or any location because you wan to serve God at a specific church. You can serve God anywhere-Go where the money and opportunity is. Never choose a major simply because you love it. That shit sounds nice in books and speeches but when you have to pay for it and can't find work or can't make any money you'll remember what you loved and curse the day you chose it. Find something that will pay with little education. After you've made your money then go (debt free)to school and pursue your love. I'm fucked! And I don't mean that in no good way.