How to Keep Em'

I hate to say it, but it appears that there is a "crazy" method to the madness of keeping a woman.  As I've been observing friends, family, and the public in general, I have come up with a new theory on how to keep a woman.

I have a bad habit when it comes to love and dating.  I tend to tell the truth about my feelings and tell it often.  If I love a woman, I tell her.  If I believe a woman is beautiful, I tell her, and often.  I show my love through gifts, service, notes, time, and deference.  This has not had the outcome one might expect from such behavior.  Instead of causing women to find value in what I bring to the table and fall in love with me, it would seem that I drive women away with my behavior.

To be honest I was dumbfounded by my results.  How can good be followed by bad?  It's not logical...then again, what woman is?  As I have thought about this I have come to believe that women wont' stay with a man that they perceive to have "topped out" with them.  If they think they are the best that man can do they believe that they are to good for that man and that better options exist in the world.  Hence, they move on to what they believe to be a "better man."

Keep in mind, a "better man" isn't necessarily a better man.  In fact, a better man many times is a lesser man.  A better man may present in a number of ways.  This man may be a good man.  He may be successful (however you define that).  He may be well off, educated, smart, funny, attractive, a world traveler, etc...this may be a genuine catch.  I don't think this is always the case.

There is another man that is seen as the "better man."  A man that is more smoke and mirrors than substance.  This man may be less of a man in any number of ways than the man that the woman is currently with.  There is one major difference, this man will make the woman feel as though she can either do no better or is worthy of no better.  This man may treat the woman as "no big deal."  She's just the girl I'm with now.  That could change at any moment.  He doesn't lavish the woman with gifts, complements, time, service, or anything.  He's the guy that doesn't flinch when the woman threatens to leave.  This man has captured his prey by making it chase him.

My theory has been shown to be correct in a number of ways.  I know a woman that is a psychiatrist, accomplished in her field, and often sought after to present to various professional groups.  She's funny, works out, and has had a number of suitors.    She has had men profess their love and ask for her hand in marriage (and she wants to be married).  Yet, she has rejected these men.  So, who is the man that has this woman's attention?

The man that has this woman's attention is married with children.  He has made no bones about it either.  He's verbally abusive, has been physically abusive, and is unfaithful to this woman apart from his wife.  You would think a woman with such pedigree would leave but she doesn't.  Instead, she professes her love for him.  She puts up with being stood up.  She moved her to a new location on the promise of this man moving in (he didn't).  It would seem there is nothing this man can do that would be wrong...except change his ways and actually "love" her.

Another friend of mine is highly educated, beautiful, funny, and just fun to be around.  This woman complains often about her insecurities with her husband.  At the same time, she openly admits that if her husband was the type of man to squelch her insecurities she would not be with him.  We have talked openly about my theory on women and she has agreed.  There is some kind of idiosyncrasy that dwells within women.

Even the woman that I most recently fell in love with would tell me that her ex-husband is the only man she's ever loved.  This was a man that she said had no patience with her, did not understand nor try to understand, stayed out most nights, and by her own report was abusive.  Yet, this was the man that she loved...him and no one else-EVER. 

So, I don't know that I have it in me to do that to a woman.  I don't know if I am "man enough" to make a woman feel less than to keep her.  It would be I have on my part.  It have always hated the games of dating.  At the same time if I don't play by the rules I must be willing to accept the consequences.  In any event, now you know how to keep em'.

Not Again

For the past year and a half I have been seeing one woman.  I thought God had been graceful and blessed with an amazing, smart, fun, honest, woman.  I thought how lucky I had been that I didn't have to go forever as a single man without love in my life.  I thought I found a woman that would restore my faith in good women...I WAS WRONG.

As it turns out this woman I thought was an incredible find turned out to be venomous.  After a year and half of spending 3 to 4 days a week together, flowers, candy, dinners, poetry, hidden notes, and the declaration of my love, she proved to be incredibly cruel.  I thought we were moving toward something significant.  She had introduced her kids to me, mine to her.  We had all hung out a number of times as one big group.  I thought this was the beginning of something special.

As it would turn out, despite the meeting of the children and the day long activities together in which she would be affectionate towards me in their presence (after telling me she didn't want to show affection in front of the kids), it was actually the beginning of the end.  She was pulling away from me while bringing our families together.  This is something I would have never done had I known she was going to go this way.  I thought it was safe.  We had been seeing each other for a year by that point.  Who knew...well she did.

In November of 2012, my grandmother passed away.  This was the woman that raised me.  I had shared many stories about my grandmother with this woman.  She had shared about hers and often would say how she wish I could have met her.  It was during this time in death that I would come to clearly see I had been sold fools gold.

This woman, whom I loved and expressed my love to, disappeared from my life.  She didn't contact me.  No text, no calls, no e-mails, no facebook messages...nothing.  She told me she was giving me time to grieve before we connected again.  I knew something was up.  If she knew me at all she would have known I don't grieve alone.  I love people and company and needed it desperately during that time.  She was nowhere to be found.  I would see her one more time after my grandmother's passing.  This was not a warm reunion as I had expected.  Instead, it was a very "ho-hum" experience.  She was simply going through the motions.

I knew my love affair had come to an end.  I had left a movie at her home that we were supposed to watch together one day.  It had been there for nearly a year.  I took the movie home with me.  This was symbolically the end of it.  I would later come to find that she had other interest in men.  Once again, my love was tossed to the side in favor of something new...something different...something that wasn't me.

As I try desperately to process the pain and confusion of all this I rack my brain moment by moment.  All I keep thinking is, NOT AGAIN!  How did my heart lead me to another woman that didn't appreciate what I brought to the table?  In her own words and by her own admission she said, "You definitely know how to treat a woman.  You treat me with respect.  I can tell you listen to me, really listen, and think about me when I'm not around.  You've been very patient and understanding with me...my husband didn't try to understand me at all."  The cake taker has to be this, "If anyone deserves love it's you."  If I'm so deserving why wouldn't she give me hers?

I have no answers for anything right now.  I'm just a moving sack of skin and bones, full of rage, anger, pain, rejection, and disappointment.  I'm depressed.  I don't want to work, go out, or think about anything at all.  I just want to drink and sleep.  I can't stop thinking about this.  I can't stop talking about it.  I can't seem to let go...I can't seem to move on.  I'm going to end this here for now.  I could go on forever babbling about my pain, but I won't....

Mad Men

During the Christmas Holiday season, my cousin turned me on to the AMC show "Mad Men."  I remember when it was all the rage.  I tend to be ten steps behind when it comes to television and series and actually prefer to wait until it has run it's course so I can watch it all at once.  Since this show fit that description I was on board to take a look.

I was instantly hooked by the show.  More than the story, it was the stunning beauty of the women they featured as characters.  These women were classy dames from the sixties.  The art director for the show did an impressive job with wardrobe and settings and you were instantly transported back in time to the crazy and wild, civil rights movement, free loving, sixties.  It was a time of transition.

The show has a number of complex story lines.  The main character is a classic man.  He's tall, dark, hansom, and mysterious.  His background is muddied and no one really knows who the man is, not even his wife.  He's a womanizer, a hard drinker, selfish and self serving in most things, and does not show a hint of faith in God whatsoever.  Yet, he's an attractive and appealing character.  Despite all of his flaws I don't think I know any men that wouldn't want to be him, nor women that wouldn't want to be with him.  He is a sympathetic character.

You latch onto him because he's front and center.  He has traits that you desire or can relate to.  There are times when he is caring and goes against the grain for the good.  Those are rare but they are frequent enough to make you think there's a good guy somewhere inside.  The other reason he's so appealing is that not one single character on the show seems to have the gravitational pull that comes with moral based leadership-THERE IS NO CLEAR CUT GOOD GUY.

This seems to be representative of our modern day society.  It is hard to find people that are driven by their strong character, working for the greater good.  It is a dog eat dog world and we have invented tools to aid us in our consumption of one another.  The show is reflective of this.  There are twist and turns made at every scene.  There are moves made to steal a wife, a husband, a job, a company, a life....it's really crazy.

I despise the reality of the show and how society is represented on the screen.  Yet, I'm intrigued by this real life drama playing itself out through the various characters of ill repute.  I find that I'm a bi-polar mess when it comes to the main character, Don Draper.  One minute I love him and he's my hero-the everyman.  The next, I despise him because as one of his foils stated, "you have everything and so much of it and you treat it like nothing."  I hate that!  I know people like that in the real world and it drives me crazy because they can't see struggle, the pain, the bloody fist left from banging on the glass ceiling.

From the internal side of things, I get a kick out of the fact that I like a show called "Mad Men."  I believe it is a play on words (one being the men Madison Ave.).  Yet, I'm a "Mad Man" in most every sense of the word.  Mad at myself, mad at the world, mad at society, and mad in the psychological sense.  I keep watching the show hoping for some kind of resolution to take place, for redemption.  The further I delve into the series the less hope I have of such a resolution coming about.  Much like my life at this point in time...the further I go the less hope I have of resolution on this side of heaven.  I suppose I will continue to be a Mad Man.

Piss and Vinegar

When the phone was picked up by my co-worker I did my typical morning greeting, "Good morning!  How are you?"  I did not expect the response I received, "Full of piss and vinegar."  This was a phrase I had not heard in quite some time.  Far as I know, people in my generation don't often use this phrase.  It's kind of a throwback line.  So much so, I had to stop laughing before I could continue our conversation.

My co-worker would go on to inform me that she was frustrated with work, the type of work she is doing, and the ever changing atmosphere (for the worse).  I could relate because I too have been less than satisfied with work as of late.  It has become a place full of people that major in the minors with a punitive perspective towards it's employees.  Little did I know just a few days later I too would employ the "piss and vinegar" phrase for my own mood.

Last night I slowly became enraged by my current place in the lives of others.  I find myself once again doing all the "right things," but getting all the wrong results.  The most recent of these events is once again a failure in love.  The woman that has my heart disappeared during the most painful crisis since my wife abandoned me, the passing of my grandmother.  She would periodically check in on me but this may go longer than a week.  She was not in a hurry to spend time with me after my return from the funeral.  And when I asked for affirmation of our relationship, she invited me to leave.  Things haven't been the same since.

I have been a roller coaster ride of emotions.  Sorrow, hatred, jealousy, envy, relief, temporary peace, and back again.  The woman I love offered an apology accompanied with a slew of compliments; "You're a great guy, fun to be around, funny, I genuinely enjoy your company, I'm thankful you're a part of my life no matter how things work out, you're respectful, you know how to treat a woman, and if anyone deserves love you do."  She even pulled the "it's not you, it's me" card out.

At the same time, she continues to send mixed signals.  We had not spoken for quite some time.  Yet, when I called for a truce, she called me on the phone (something she never, ever, ever, does).  This happened on two occasions.  Once from her home and once while on break at her job.  Both times we spoke for at least and hour.  This was so unordinary her kids asked who she was speaking with because she "never talks to anyone that long on the phone." She commented how easy it was to talk to me and that her missed my company.  After not hearing from me for three days she even checked in to see if I was ok.  She said she thought something was seriously wrong with me.

Despite the renewed airways of communication  and her expressed concern for my well-being, when I asked her to join me for an evening out she refuses.  She offers some lame excuse about how she wants to say "yes" but has trepidation.  Who wants to be with someone but doesn't want to be with them because they may desire more time after the fact?  I don't spend time with people I'm hoping not to see any more.  That's just asinine and foolish.  Nevertheless there I was, rejected and "full of piss and vinegar."

All the rage, disappointment, bewilderment, anger, anxiety, and questions flooded my head.  How can you love to be with someone and not want to be with them?  I used to see this happen to white people in college.  Both parties crying tears of sorrow as they declared they loved one another but could no longer be together.  What the Hell is that?  I love you and you love me, but we can't be together for no other reason that we say so...I used to think how foolish can you be?  Truthfully, I still think how foolish can you be?

This is a phenomena I will never understand.  This is an anger that is increasingly more and more difficult to swallow.  I have the most brief moments of peace and clarity but it is temporary, if not outright fake.  Like a house of cards my emotional stability does not hold up to the slightest of breezes these days.  It's kind of sad in a lot of ways.  I find myself unable to control my thoughts and feelings right now.  I am at the mercy, or lack thereof, of my broken heart.

The piss and vinegar rose to such a level last night I could feel it in my chest.  I was grocery shopping and had to fight the strong urge to purchase alcohol to quench my pain.  I was successful in escaping the store, not so much with the booze.  Early this morning around 1:00AM, I remembered I had a bottle of pino grigio given to me by a dear friend.  It was his own homemade brand and my intentions were to share it with someone special, the woman I love.  I knew last night no such occasion to share with the woman I love would be presenting itself anytime soon.  So I popped the cork and consumed the entire bottle.

The pino grigio did the trick.  My mood lightened and eventually, some three hours later, I was able to fall asleep.  I knew it was not a positive to turn to the bottle to seek relief.  It's a tell tale sign of alcoholism to do so.  Yet, I needed something to take the edge off and the gym was not available to me last night.  There comes a point where you just want to survive and that's what I did.  Full of piss, vinegar, rejection, pain, remorse, and insomnia, I survived.  Remnants of piss and vinegar are still swirling around in my system, but it had to swirl while I slept.

A Tip of my Hat to the Sistah's

If you've read any of my early post you might've gotten the sense that I favor white women over black women.  I can't lie, for a while I did.  At least what I knew of white women at the time I did.  I have a new perspective, anecdotal albeit, on white women.  A frightening trend has begun to develop in my world as I engage both black and white women.

In earlier post, I applauded the general culture of white women over the general culture of black women as it pertains specifically to romantic relationships.  I was giving white women, their culture at least, it's due because they did not seem to bring the type of unrealistic pressures and expectations to a relationship that black women did.  White women seemed to be able to except men just as they were.  They didn't seem pushy, but supportive.  They didn't seem judgemental, but understanding.  They didn't seem to be all about the Benjamin's....well at least not in the same way.

If you talk to the sistah's, they will generally let you know that there will be no romance without finance.  When I talk to sistah's they all seem to comment on how they want a man with "ambition, goals, and drive."  I often ask the question if goals and ambition must be realized or just present in the man's life?  The conversation normally falls apart at that point.  Nevertheless, I'm pretty hard on my black sistah's because of this focus on the external materialism. 

Lately, I've come across white women that don't mention finance on the front end of the discussion but it's definitely present if you read between the lines.  I first noticed it when white women would comment on how great a guy is that they have in their life and how he wants to marry them.  Despite the man's greatness, the women were leary to move forward.  When I dug deeper, they would finally come clean with the truth-IT'S ABOUT THE FINANCES. 

In these cases it seems to be more about the personal finances of the woman as opposed to the finances of the man.  These women were concerned about the possibility of personal loss.  It might seem more noble to be concerned about your own money instead of "his" money, but I don't find solace in either perspective.  If you are on the other side of the coin, protecting your assets, you have simply given justification to the concern men have for gold digging women.  If you're on the other side, looking to make a come up on the man, then you're simply a gold digger.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  Women were turning down love, or at least putting it on hold, because of their personal balance sheets.  I didn't know women did that (naivete on my part).  What might be worse, is the fact that if these men were men of considerable means, these women's concern for their own personal financial safety would not longer be an issue.  Hence, they are gold diggers.  Just diggers on a higher level because of what they bring to the table.

Add to this issue the fact that many of these women have been married before and have little or no interest in the institution, makes for an even more complicated romance maze.  Those previously married seem to treat men as though they were disposable.  They have a "take it or leave it" attitude about relationships.  They really can't explain their stance except to say, "My heart is black."  I have a bit of a theory on this based on economics.

The economic mobility of women has created a climate in which women make equal or greater funds than men.  Add to that the fact that women can acceptably live at home at near any age, tend to get a great deal more support from parents, have a plethora of social programs including scholarships and the like, and if men are still men-have their meals paid for while on dates, women are in a strong economic position.  Since women don't need a man to balance the household spreadsheet, men are now an expendable pleasure.

I give sistah's their due because even the most well off sishah seems to still desire love and marriage in their life.  This seems to be a cultural piece lost on my Caucasian sisters.  White women are moving towards a "one and done" mentality.  That means if you're not first in line, you might as well not be in line at all.  It's a sad place to be in a many ways.  Either you get first dibs, you deal with the pressure and attitude, or you succumb to a life of no commitment and every changing bed fellows.  Not much of a choice if you ask me.

Under Developed Beauty

A friend of mine sent me a text message today commenting on the beautiful women he was encountering at his local Wendy's restaurant.  I, in turn, replied that there are so many beautiful women in the world.  Oddly enough, I was standing in line at a McDonald's during the text exchange admiring the beauty of the staff and patrons alike.

I started to think about beauty and what makes a person attractive?  In our American culture there seems to be two primary factors in beauty.  Physical appearance and finance.  Typically women possess the physical appearance and men bring finance to the table (not that the two can't be switched but I'm speaking in generalities.  Sadly, these are surface issues. 

Take notice that these don't touch the heart, the soul, the character, the mind of a man or woman.  I too am guilty of succumbing to the outward nature of our culture and letting that lead me as I survey the land of available women.  Yet, beauty will not sustain a relationship (finance won't either, but it can destroy a relationship).  The inner man, the traits of the soul and spirit, are what sustains a relationship.  I think it is our lack of interest in these things that has a our divorce rate at %
50%.

We have an internal problem.  When mother Theresa visited our nation she made the statement that, "Never in all the world have I seen such poverty as I see here."  That's a stunning comment when you think about the fact that she served the poorest people in the world in Calcutta India.  She would go on to clarify our poverty by stating that we suffer from poverty of the soul.  I think this is reflected daily in our relationships, be it romantic or otherwise. 

We spend so much time trying to develop the external person.  We work out.  We eat healthy.  We buy the name brands.  We put on make up.  We get weekly haircuts (daily for the very wealthy or very foolish).  We even want our mate to match our "swag."  It's about the car we drive, the house we live in, the money we make, the friends we keep.  Almost nothing is given to the inner man unless we have been told it will improve the outer appearance. 

This type of unbalanced focus on externals has lead to an under-developed beauty, people that live a life outside of themselves.  I have met many a "fine" woman that has transformed into something hideous before my very eyes because the darkness of her soul has found a crack, and seeped out for all to see. I've known men that have all the physical qualities of a Denzel Washington, yet they are among the most selfish, inconsiderate, men in all the world.

If this continues to be the way of our nation and of our people, we will continue to see a decline in meaningful, trusting, relationships of any kind.  We will waste our outer beauty because we neglected the more important things of the soul.  We will miss out on the true riches of our world, each other, if we chase raw materials that mold and fade away.  I hope that we will see the follies of our ways and become fully developed people. 

I WRITE

I write when there is no one to listen
I write when there is no one to talk

I write when I'm alone
when I'm troubled
when I have a vision or an epiphany
when there's no one but me....I write

Writing helps organize
It brings clarity
It relieves my anger
Lessens the sting

It's as though it were magic
It's mystical at the least
It takes me pain and hides it
It gives my brain relief

I write to save ideas
...thoughts and such
I'm not Jay-Z
Can't hold much

Writing is a gift, a blessing in disguise
It takes etherial thoughts and makes it plain to my eyes
What was once random thought, now something complete
Where once confusion, now something neat

I write when I'm graterful
I write when I'm blessed
I write when I'm worried
I write when I'm stressed

I write for the good
I write for the bad
I write when I'm happy
I write when I'm sad

I write when I'm outraged
I write when I'm in pain
I write when I feel like I'm going in sane
I write when I want to let out showers of rain

I can't seem to cry...
At least not from the eye
So I blead on the page
It is my world, my stage

If I couldn't release these thoughts I'd probably explode
I'd release a wrath, to this world unknown
Thank God for the Pen, the paper, the keys and the screen
I'm certain other writers know what I mean

I could go on forever
After all, I'm capturing thought
I'll spare you my endless rant
For there is a lot

My heart is full-love, pain, joy, despare
Thank God I can write When no one else is there
I write

I'D LIKE A VILLAIN

Most good stories have a clear villain and a clear hero.  I enjoy the simplistic morality of good and evil.  You know who to root for and who to root against.  I wrote some time ago about the nature of our modern day hero's.  They are more complex than in the past.  Their character is flawed, methods questionable, and in many ways they are complicated.  This muddies the waters of morality.  It's tough to build off of the examples of heroism when your hero toes the line closely associated with the nefarious.

I am reminded of these things because in my current state of heart break I honestly have to conclude that there is no villain.  There is no one to point the finger of wrongdoing and blame at.  There is no way of clearly juxtaposing myself against them.  There is no observable lesson to be learned outside of my own behavior and thoughts.

My friend and love has always maintained her aversion to a serious, long term relationship.  I knew this and took a chance, making a decision as an adult to pursue her.  I foolishly thought I was wearing her down with my gentleman ways.  I did things to surprise her, romance her, serve her, and respect her.  Despite my greatest efforts I have failed in my stated goal of winning her heart.  Despite my greatest efforts, her defenses our impregnable.

I could be dishonest and make my emotional pain all her fault.  I could say that she was heartless and played me for a fool for her own gain.  I could say that I was a stop-gap for downtime and entertainment.  However, none of that would be true.  Truth is, she was truthful, honest, and consistent throughout.  If any one played someone, it was me playing myself.  This is the reality.  Painful, embarrassing, and true....

A villain would be nice!  It would be a springboard for motivation.  Sadly (for me), no villain exist.  It is only the greatest enemy everyone of us face-THE ENEMY WITHIN.  That's not the enemy most of us want to face.  This foe is powerful.  He knows our every move, motivation, and trick.  I'd like a villain but I'm stuck with this guy....


 

EASY ANSWERS AND THE TRUTH

As is the proper response to painful life experience I've turned to my friends.  One friend is a pastor and approaches most all things as such.  Amidst our interactions he suggested that if I were to commit myself to God once again that I would find peace.  Although I think finding real faith and solace in God is both good and true, I heard something different.

Instead of hearing return to God for healing and restoration, I heard "this wouldn't have happened if you were walking with God.  Your relationships would be better if you were 'doing what the Lord wants you to do'."  My interpretation of what was being communicated may be way off base.  However, for the purposes of this post and processing I'm going to write on my original inclination.

I have been one who "walked with the Lord" in a way that it consumed me.  I really tried to order my life around God and faith.  I was thinking at most every moment, "is this what God wants me to do?"  Yet, the results were not a better life.  In fact, it may have resulted in an even more frustrating life as I was so uncertain of what I was doing at any given moment.  Nevertheless, my marriage ended in disastrous fashion, my heart was broken, my finances stomped on, and my outlook on life forever changed.

I bring this up because if I were to buy into what was being said I would be lead to believe that my life would find peace and satisfaction if I were to walk after God.  I can't tell you that's the truth according to my life experiences, observations, or by the Holy scriptures.  The Bible is explicit when Jesus says, "In this world you will have trouble."

I must say that a life of suffering, struggle, and "trouble," is not a life often preached on by our faith leaders.  If it is preached on, it is done in the context of soon to come victory or the power that is available to overcome.  It's very rare that suffering...lasting, ongoing, suffering, is talked about.  Yet, I contend that this is reality for many.

Recently, a friend of mine suffered a very painful happening in their life.  Their husband left them without notice, warning, or resources for living.  Even worse, they stuck them with massive amounts of debt and sought to do so through a shrewed legal maneuver.  My friend has dedicated her life to the service of God and man.  She has served as a missionary, raising her own funds to reach out to others.  Even after leaving the mission field she sought to serve others vocationally as a therapist.  Yet, her strong commitment and service unto God was not enough to thwart the harsh realities of unexpected calamities and pain.  Would one recommend that she would find peace by "doing right by the Lord?"  Hadn't she already sought to do so....?

It is my firm belief that our commitment to God does not impact the trials or smoothness of life with direct correlation.  I know people who openly and purposely defy God, even mocking him, and relatively speaking they have great lives-Money, travel, friends, influence, relationships, and opportunities.  At the same time I know people that are faithful servants of God who have unspeakable trouble.-Death, loneliness, grief, disease, and economic trials.  How do you explain that?  I honestly don't have an answer beyond the broken and sinful nature of our Earth.

I appreciate my friends response to my pain.  I know he was seeking to do good and provide direction for comfort.  At the same time, I know it's not typically that simple.  I think there is real value in seeking and serving God.  Real spirituality will give way to a connection with God that allows you to experience his presence in both good and bad.  I don't deny that.  What I do deny is that pain is avoidable simply by following God. 

STILL GROWING

The process of maturing is never ending.  I like to think I'm a rather mature individual for most part.  Yet, I have come to recognize that I have some major deficits in the emotions department.  As a young man I didn't date AT ALL.  My wife was really the first and only woman I had ever "dated."  The consequences of my lack of engagement of the opposite sex romantically has stunted my emotional/relational growth. 

Having never had my heart broken prior to the end of my marriage in a "relationship" has left me largely unprepared for rejection in such life scenarios.  I recently experienced my first heart break since the end of my marriage.  For the last year I have spent nearly all of my free time with one woman.  She is wonderful...caring, generous, playful, easy going, and a woman of faith.  Unfortunately, as much as our values mirror each other they differ in one particular area-Relationship.

My friend has no interest in ever being married again or in a committed relationship.  I thought this was emotional residue left over from a bad ending to her marriage and the obvious lack of lasting relationships since.  I was foolish enough to think that my gentleman ways could change her outlook.  For a while it seemed as though it were working.  She often told me she was very happy that I persisted in pursuing her and that although she didn't want a long term relationship I was, "wearing her down."

Things seem to be going well.  Our time together was effortless and fun.  We were rubbing off on each other in terms of our interest.  She was even contemplating introducing me to her family.  Then suddenly things seem to have changed.  She went on vacation (apparently a horrible thing for me in relationships) and when she returned something had changed.  She cancelled back-to-back dates, seemed distant, and in many ways disinterested.  She maintains nothing has changed but her actions and my gut were screaming something different. 

Things came to a head when I questioned her about our relationship and if I would ever have a chance to "capture her heart."  She replied with a scathing NO stating that she didn't feel as I did.  The nail in the coffin came in the next phrase when she said, "nor do I want to."  That was crushing to say the least.  I figured after a year you would know where things were going and apparently she did-NO WHERE!

So, here I am broken hearted once again.  My first response was a depressed like mood complete with an absence of sleep and lots of jealousy toward those with successful relationships.  This was all to reminiscent of an earlier time.  I walked around with a slow burning anger right beneath the surface.  I wondered where to go from here?

The longer I thought about it the more clear things became.  You can't force love, you can't make people love you if you don't.  That leaves me with one clear course of action; recover, heal, and move on.  I'm lead to believe that had I been more active in dating in my formative years I would be better prepared for this type of thing.  As it is, this is my "formation period."  This is my accelerated learning curve for emotional maturity.  I plan on pushing on, remaining civil, and caring.  After all, I do love this woman and that can't be pushed aside with a blink of an eye.  Hard as it is, maturation continues on.  I'm still growing... 

1 is...

1 is the loneliest number...This was a hit song back in the day.  I imagine it was popular because of the great truth it holds.  People were meant for connection and relationship.  It's not healthy to have extended periods of solitude.  It's also not healthy to have no one in  your life that you connect with and can be yourself.

I find myself at the loneliest number.  This has come to pass over time and all of a sudden all at once.  Over time, my friends have moved away.  They have moved out of the city, out of state, and in many ways out of common ground.  One of my last remaining friends in the city is moving to NC at the end of the summer.  Sadly, he seems to have moved already in some ways.

We were supposed to hang out yesterday.  Despite the fact I sent him a message, which is a common way of communication between us, he did not respond.  I would come to find that he was at the library puttsing around.  This has been the pattern of my friendships lately.  People seem to be busy doing nothing.  I've even gone to the point of offering to cover the cost of whatever activity we would engage in and I still can't draw their attention.

My other friend has made it clear that his girlfriend plays a major role in why we don't hang anymore.  We share very different values, opinions, and politics.  This isn't a problem for me.  However, her youthful immaturity (she's a decade younger) has not equipped her to hold different opinions and still be cordial, much less friends.  My friend has decided to cut his own nuts off and bow to her demands.  As sad as that is, I feel like "F'em."  If all it took was a woman to reduce our near 20 year friendship to brief and infrequent telephone contact, well.....what more be said.

That last piece of this lonely puzzle has to do with the focus of my affection.  I thought things were going well.  We were spending time together, laughing, and at one point she was very close to disclosing our relationship to her family.  Then she went on vacation and things haven't been the same since.  She has now cancelled on me twice, and completely ignored a request to spend time together.  I asked her what's up but she continues to give some lame excuse about being physically tired.  This, after a year....This is much more difficult than I intended.  At the same time, I'm moving toward "F her" too. 

I have learned the hard lesson that it does little good to fight for the attention of someone that simply has no interest.  I've seen this movie before.  It doesn't end well.  I'm gonna save my money and avoid the sad disappointment of losing time on a hopeless cause.  This all hurts like hell to be honest.  I haven't been sleeping well for about two weeks.  I have a mild tension of anger sitting just below the surface.  I don't like it when I get like this.  Yet, it has to run its course so I can move on.  1 is the loneliest number....I don't need a song to remind me of that.

A TURNING POINT

I'm at a point in my life where it's time to make or break.  I'll be 35 by the end of this year and for some reason it feels very, very old.  I feel as if I don't make a move now to create the life I want for myself then I will forever be stuck with the life I currently possess.  I had a dream a while ago about being 35.  It wasn't pleasant.  I felt as though life had passed me by.  I felt like I was out of time.  I felt like my window of opportunity had closed.

Don't get me wrong.  My life isn't really all that horrible.  In fact, I tend to believe that if I didn't have high hopes, aspirations and desires, that I would really enjoy my life as it is.  Some things have come around for me lately.  It looks like my house situation is finally going to be settled.  I just sent the paperwork in this week for our final agreement and the mortgage has returned to terms of when I first purchased it nearly six years ago.  That is a monumental happening.  I haven't been in a strong position with my home for nearly three years.  I'm certain the terms agreed upon will be the last change I make unless I move.

That bit of success was a fight.  A fight to the finish.  I had come so close to losing my home.  They went all the way to court and were in a position to take the home.  I on the other hand, returned to working retail (a job I hate in it's fashion of work).  I worked 70+ hour weeks at times.  I did so to save my home and support my children.  I wanted stability and to provide for them as I know I should as a man and as a father.  Whatever it took, I was willing to do it.

Now that I have walked up that mountain I'm not satisfied to just stay where I am.  I want so much more out of life.  I want to be able to lay out a future for my children economically that will provide them with momentum to propel my grandchildren to heights unseen by the previous generations.  I can only do this by first passing on my faith and my values to my children.  Secondly, by instilling in them a strong work ethic and understanding of how life works.  Thirdly, by doing my part to provide for them a life starting cushion that allows them to start life without the weights of debt on their backs.

With that in mind, I have to get to a place where I want it like I want breath (see video).  I have to eat, sleep, and drink my dreams.  I have to be focused and remain motivated.  I'm not one to endorse fanaticism (though I can be fanatical).  Yet, there is a need for drive and focus with balance.  I have a plan that I'm working on even as I write.  This is a plan that I have sought counsel on, explored my options, and is the clearest path to economic well being for now and in the long run.

I still have plans to pursue my other dreams as well.  They too are in the works.  I've put my hand to the plow.  Now, I have remember there is no turning back.  I hope you find the video inspiritational.  I hope you find a dream that causes you to focus.  More than find your dream, I hope you are able to obtain it.  HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT?

I write when I need to

I haven't been writing lately. There are a number of reasons for this. The first is that I just haven't had the time to do so. Working two jobs and having my kids during pretty much any free time I may come across is pretty exhausting. As such, I have allowed my blog to lay unattended.

Today is different. I'm pissed off and disgruntle. Despite my best efforts to proceed forward in life and do the right thing, every single plan, attempt, or move is thwarted by this unseen force. A few weeks back my water tank blew out and I was forced to pay for parts and labor in a way that was significant to my finances. Prior to that happening I was in strong financial shape, relatively speaking, and was well on my way to executing my plan. Since that time it has been one financial disaster after another with no let up.

Yet, and still I continue to fight on. I continue to negotiate, schedule, and reschedule as needed to get this train back on track. As of this moment arrangements have been made to weather the storm as it currently passes through. Who's to say what will come tomorrow, next week, or next month. I anticipate a need for a new vehicle much sooner than I had planned as my car has struggled to start on occasion, needing some prodding like a fatted cow. Needless to say, I'm not in a position to purchase a vehicle via cash and I don't want or need a new car payment.

Such is my life. I press on to make the best of things, hopeful, only to get the worst of things, crushed and discouraged. That's why I'm writing today. I needed to let my fingers release the anger that is pent up inside of me. I needed to put my thoughts on paper, however brief. I hope one day I can look back on these times and laugh as to how hopeless it all seemed. Truth is, I've been longing to look back on hopeless days for far too long. Nevertheless, I press on for I know no other way.

It's here to stay

My heart hurts
My head even more
How do you come to despise the one you used to adore?
You held em' high, they took it low
Burnin' won't stop, it burns so slow

I don't know what to do
I don't know where to go
You try to do right
But their an aggressive foe

You fight with your mind
You fight with your prayers
You're even fighting when all you do is stare

The pain is deep
Deeper than an ocean
This time size matters
It's all emotion

It's an invisible fence
Trapped inside your mind
Now you're bound
Don't know how to break this bind

This too shall pass
At least that's what they say
You can't wait for forever
The pain is here today

I'm a stay strong
I know no other way
Pain becomes my companion
It seems like it's here to stay

I'll keep pressing on
I can't give up
I got to keep my head high
Never give up

Crocker Chronicle: Why Single Women Need To Wait For The Right Man

This is a great article! I hope you find it helpful...

Crocker Chronicle: Why Single Women Need To Wait For The Right Man: Photo Credit: de.laina Here are some challenging thoughts from Ruthie Dean urging single women to wait on the right mate by being the r...

Some Good News

I made my February mortgage payment two days ago. That's a whole 5 days early. Probably not a big deal for many people but it was for more. More than that, it was a great feeling to pay my mortgage and not feel like I just put a noose around my bank accounts neck. Add to that, the fact that my car note and utilities are all current and you have one happy camper!

It has taken some doing to get to this point. I picked up a second job doing the type of work I despised as a young man. When I look back I see that it was my immaturity and sense of entitlement that made me hate it. I rarely find my mind whispering words of complaint when I'm at work because quite frankly, it's a breeze. That's not to say that it's easy just to say that it's not rocket science.

Please be certain that I'm working hard. On the high end I work about 70+ hours a week. Right now I'm looking more like 55 hours a week. The sacrifice of time and sleep have paid off in the sense of peace and knowing I can meet my responsibilities. I would love to have a single job that allowed me to do the same. Yet, I'm thankful for this opportunity given to me by God to do what must be done.

I'm hopeful that I can maintain this job until something higher paying comes along or at least until the summer months hit (that's when my daughter will no longer suck nearly $400 a month out of my pocket for childcare). If not, I will get back on my grind once again and find another way to make it. I'm thankful for this moment in time. I'm going to sit back (figuratively speaking) and enjoy it.

THE POWER OF SEX

A couple of weeks ago I was listening to one of my favorite radio personalities, Dennis Prager. He was talking about men and sex. During his broadcast he took a moment to reflect on President Clinton and what took place in the oval office. He did not comment on the scandal as much as he focused on the incredible power sex has in the lives of men.

Prager stated that as President of the most powerful country and leader of the free world, President Clinton had it all. Yet, he was willing to risk all of this for sex. Many like to frame the situation as one where power had gone to the President's head (no pun intended) and therefore he took advantage. However, I think the truth is that sex has a gravitational pull unlike anything known to man. Woman tend to have a difficult time grasping this (And I don't care how much you claim to love sex, you don't experience it as a man does).

What on earth would a man risk all of his power, prestige, reputation, and future on? Nothing comes to mind. Sex has such a power that it defies rational thinking and leaves many asking what they were thinking after the fact. President Clinton is not the only man this has happened too. I often say that apart from the power of God, no man can overcome his passiona and desires for sex.

I can attest in my own life that I have taken substantial risk when it comes to sex. Things I look back on and wonder how I could have ever considered such actions, much less executed them. Such things are in many ways shameful. Yet, when I think about them I find that I sense the power that was present in those moments. I have had friends confess their shame and even disgust by their own thoughts and actions. They too found themselves wrapped in the web of pornographic seduction.

Men have risked disease, pregnancy, destruction of family, destruction of career, loss of fortune and financial stability, and on and on.... I have to believe that the sex drive of men has been blown way out of proportion by the fall of man. I can't imagine being this way in the Garden of Eden walking around naked. We wouldn't know what to do with ourselves. That is why it is so necessary for men to recognize it's power and our need for external power to overcome it. Much like water, fire, or wind....sex can be your friend and your enemy.

FRIEND....

It's been a while since I've written. It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's just that I haven't been interested in putting it in print. I find myself in a mood to write this evening so I will share a few thoughts on dating. These are likely thoughts I've shared before. If you have heard this before I apologize. Nevertheless, I write...

I have found in recent weeks that the issue of friendship is a barrier to the progression of romantic relationships. This has always been an odd practice to me. I can not imagine why a person would not date a man or woman because they are a "friend." After all, when I hear people madly in love or celebrating anniversaries I always hear a clear declaration that the focus of that love is the "best friend" of the lover. Despite this common affirmation or declaration, time and time again people claim they won't pursue love and happiness because one is a friend.

It defies logic in some ways. Think of this, I'm searching for someone that I can love, someone that will be a friend...However, I disqualify all those that I know to be friends already. What sense does that make? Zero. Truth is, this is rarely an issue for men. Men view such relationships as bridges, not barriers. At the same time women seem to hide behind this. I have considered that this is all garbage.

I deduct that there may be a truth that lies beneath the surface that is brutal, if not outright offensive. I believe that women use the "friend" tag as a nice way of saying I'm not attracted to you. Reason being, I see women pursue friends on a regular basis. Such men seem to hold a trait that passes for surface attraction. Perhaps, they have something deeper. Nevertheless, I will no longer believe the statement, "it's because we're friends." I simply don't believe it.

My Life Sucks

With each new day comes new information as to how much my life sucks. There are a myriad of issues that I just can't disclose at this time as I have no idea how I'm going to proceed nor how they will ultimately effect others. There are issues that I face personally, issues that my family is facing, issues that my friends are facing, and the general state of life in American at this time.

I have no idea or thoughts on my own personal future. I don't particularly care for my job or the politics surrounding it at this time. I hate where I live but I don't see a way out that I can sleep with at this time. I think I need a new career but opportunities are few and far between. I've come to find at various moments that my family has some pretty warped opinions of me and I don't really care for them much anymore.

I have financial issues that are simply outpacing my efforts. I have a second job that I'm thankful to have but bores me to death. I come to an agreement to address my issues only to have them changed in the writing of the contract and back to the drawing board all over again as though that conversation never took place. I seem to make head way at work only to have it all turned around, then coming back to my original proposal at the end when it's too late.

I have few friends that I actually see face to face. I have some friends that only seem interested in seeing me if I'm at church or a church related service. In some ways I feel like I have no friends. Once a life full of activity, phone calls, and social interaction. Now a life filled with quiet time at home, no phone calls apart from those wanting money, and very limited social interaction outside of work.

My health is taking a real dive right now. I haven't felt normal or healthy for about a month now. My blood pressure is going through the roof and my weight is going right along with it. It would seem I'm depressed once again and that I have little motivation for much of anything. I think about calling off from work daily. And, I think of letting most everything I've been fighting for go. I have no insight, no plan, no reprieve, no peace, only madness. Life sucks.

Who needs TV?

I am a big movie/TV guy! I could watch movies or shows pretty much all day long. I love a good story, the triumphal victory, the melding of two hearts. I really love the capturing of the human spirit on film. Many times while watching shows you'll come across events that can only happen on television...well that you think could only happen on television.

This past week has presented me with some pretty dramatic activity in the realm of reality. One female associate of mine is pregnant by a man she has only been dating for a short period of time. In the meantime, the father of her first child has declared his love for her and wants to reunite. She's wanted this for a long time but as you can see the timing is all bad. Add to that a bunch of details in the background story and you have a made for television real life drama.

Another female associate has decided to give a good guy a chance. He's been after her for long time now and he loves her. She knows he's a nice guy and sincere in his declaration of love. Problem is, she's just not into the guy like that. On the other hand, she has a man in her life that just causes her to lose all cool when he's around. She struggles to refuse his advances. Problem is, he's not looking for commitment and she's the one chasing him. She knows he's bad for her in this way but she's addicted to him. She doesn't want to hurt the nice guy, but she doesn't want him.

Yet, another woman I know has a jealous, controlling, abusive guy in her life that may actually threaten her life. The guy has gone so far as to spy on her and those she spends time with. This is a rather chilling and scary story to say the least. It has a made for lifetime feel to it. Stuck in the middle of all this she's not sure what course of action to take. It's the type of drama that keeps you watching on TV and that you hope you never encounter in real life.

Needless to say, there's plenty of drama in the lives people we all know. Truth is, if you get to know folks you will find their life stories to be quite compelling if it is told correctly. I have not had cable for about a year or so now. Normally I read heavily when I don't have cable. Truth is, I don't miss it so much. When you have real life unfolding before your very eyes you don't need make-believe to entertain you or stimulate your mind. TV, who needs it?