DOES TIME HEAL ALL.....

It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't know if that's true. There may be a remission of the feelings associated with the wounds. However, one word, one picture, one saying could bring them all back like a flood. Is that healing? I think not.

As I go through this journey of recovery from destruction I find that women keep telling me I need "time to heal and enjoy you." I make the distinction that only women have told me this because I haven't heard such a thing from men. Men are cautious about entering into a serious relationship. Men have cautioned me about living a play boy life style. Men have cautioned me not to walk this rode alone. I don't think any of them told me to take time to figure myself out.

I think this is because men and women are built and do function differently. Women need time to process. They need time to feel. They need time to cry, eat ice cream, watch love stories, and make painful mistakes that only add to the sorrow. On the other hand, men need time to be pissed. They need to be angry, spend some money, engage the ladies, and get back to work on career goals (all this in the first few weeks). Men and women are just different.

I know it doesn't happen exactly that way but close. I am willing to give credence to what the women are saying if only they can ask one question; "How long does it take?" If someone can prescribe a time frame and what I need to do (specific) I would take that prescription like my life depended upon it. I don't want to sit around idle. My mind processes quickly and I have plenty of time to "process" as is.

I'm not interested in taking years to repair my heart and re-enter the field of play. Don't get me wrong I do want to repair my heart but I can't see sitting out for years. Hell, I'll be near retirement by that point. Besides, it's tough being patient in this age of instant pudding. What's worse is that it does not seem to be up to me as to when I am "healed." Despite what I say, the decision is in the woman's hands. Ain't that about a Bitch?

Look, time is only of use if you use the time wisely. If I'm just sitting around reflecting on my life (something I do often) I don't believe I will find healing at all. If there is an action plan for restoration I'm all for it. For me, I think part of the plan is being open to engage women in a manner that is not based on the physicality of the relationship but the essence of the person. I'm not looking for love and Lord knows I'm not ready for that. I am enjoying the company of women and I'm open to those relationships growing...come what may.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Growing up as a young man respect is a serious matter. It's even more serious when you're in the hood. A man wants to establish himself as a man. He doesn't want people to mess with him or his family. He wants R-E-S-P-E-C-T. The same is true today. I hear young men say, "Do you know who I am?" The question is an issue of respect. If a person is known they have respect, clout, notoriety. This can be accomplished a number of ways.

Respect can be obtained through money, fighting skill, sports, the ability to pull women, associations (family, friends, gang, etc...), and just being "cool." There is another way of gaining respect. It takes more work in some respects. You can gain it through character. This takes time. One's character will be tested for a long time. People are always watching your every move waiting for you to fall.

This was the route I went. I didn't know it at the time but I was developing character. I've always been a good guy. I was raised to do the right thing even when others were doing the wrong thing. I've always stood up for people being picked on, I didn't start fights but I didn't run either, I was polite and gave honor to my elders. I played sports but I was hardly a star. Over the years I gained a respect from my hood that I don't think many folks had. I remember listening to some guys talk about stealing my mom's car. When they identified it was my mom they said "don't steal that one." Respect is a great thing....or is it?

Respect has not always gone my way. Especially when it comes to the ladies. I have often thought that my good guy image was killing the bad girl that wanted to come out. People tend to assimilate to those around them. If they are in their element and they feel free they will be who they are. If they feel the need to change it up they will do that. I often feel like people are on their best behavior around me. In short I think that women that would otherwise have a good time button it up when I come around.

I've seen this happen over the years with my friends. They toned it down when I came around. They even wouldn't invite me to certain events out of respect for me. I hated that. I remember being told by one of the chaperone's at my prom that she overheard a bunch of girls saying that I was a real man and that they respected me in the women's rest room. That was all good and well but a brotha wasn't gettin' no play. Just once I would like to be a regrettable event. I would like to be someone that women were sorry they entertained (not really I just want to be treated like other men).

I know there are consequences for that type of reputation and behavior. Even still, I just want to be a "piece of shit" for one night. As I once said, "Use me!" I highly doubt this will ever happen. People can change but I don't think I will ever be able to go that route. Yet and still I feel like I'm missing out. Respect ain't worth nothin' when your talking sex, money, or career. I've got mad respect, few dollars, no title, and no action. Ah well.......such is life.

EASY FUN

I recently hung out with a female friend of mine. We had a few drinks and took in a movie. More than the drinks and the movie we laughed, a lot. IDK if that's how dates are suppose to go but I had a great time. As did she (I know cause she told me so). I've hung out with a few different women. This experience was different.

I have been out to breakfast with women, lunch with women, and dinner with women. Those experiences were cool but not like this one. I have hung at women's homes and even spent the night....but it wasn't like this. There was something distinct about those experiences that differed from this one.

What is the difference you might ask? Those other experiences had a "work" feel to them. The conversation was laborious at times (something most people would tell you they wouldn't believe would ever be a problem for me). Don't get me wrong I can talk with anyone but those just had moments where the conversation stalled. We still talk from time to time but it seems to have lost it's essence in some ways.

The time spent with my friend this past week was easy. We spent about six hours of consecutive time together. The laughs just kept coming. I was energized by the conversation. I feel drained at times from my interactions with people. This was nothing like that. The flow came with ease on both sides.

I'm sure you're thinking that I'm smitten for my friend and going in deep. Not at all. As far as I'm concerned company is company. I have no expectations for development of the relationship or physical engagement. I just enjoy hanging out with the person.

It could be that she's a black conservative and knows it. It could be that she is a movie fan as I am. It could be that she likes beer and you should already know where I stand on that. It could be that she's just a fun person and we had a good time. Whatever it is, it was easy fun.

KEEP IT IN THE CLOSET

Some things are best kept a secret. People have come to believe that intimacy and closeness is achieved by being utterly and completely open to others. It sounds like it's the right thing to do. After all, you want to be free to be who you are with the one you love. You want to be able to share your hurts, your joys, your dreams, your fears....and even your regrets. This may not be the best route to intimacy.

I can remember a woman telling me that she felt the need to share her sexual history with her man in an attempt to be open and honest. She really believed that her man had a right, if not an outright need, to know what she had done. I had to pump her breaks and stop the madness. What she was proposing to do would have been a relationship bomb.

There really is no need to open the book of sex on your life with your current partner. Certainly, there is a need to be honest if you have infections or disease but no need to discuss the sexual history just to do it. Women may have a threshold for this type of thing (though I doubt it). Let me be clear, MEN DON'T.

What number of sex partners is acceptable to a man? Zero! Some say it's male ego. Some say it's the physiology of it all. I can't say for certain what it is, I just know that it is. Men can not handle the thought of their woman being with another man. Men would like to take the position that they were the first, only, and best that their woman has ever had. Anything over zero is too much to handle.

Don't get me wrong, men will entertain stories of sexual conquest if their only intention is to hit. In such situations men only want to get the goods and move on. Talking about your sexual escapades only opens the door for a new sexual escapade. This is not the case for men that want a meaningful relationship. They just don't want to know.

Telling a man about your sexual past won't improve your relationship. It won't bring you closer. It won't bring about connection. It will be a driving wedge that will forever be a bone of contention. If you find the need to discuss your past talk to your friends, your pastor, or a therapist. Whatever you do, don't talk to your man about it. Don't even talk to your man if you want to tell him he's the best you've ever had. Same effect. Just keep it in the closet.

THE NUMBERS GAME

Don't believe what anybody tells you, size matters. It makes a difference in how a person perceives you, what they think about you, and what they feel safe doing with you. Your number could make all the difference in the world. It could instill confidence and trust or it could bring doubt and destruction. What number am I talking about? Your sex partner number.

We live in a day and age where having sex is akin to shaking hands. Some people go out to meet someone new with full intentions of having sex with them. This is incredibly dangerous when you consider the numbers on STD's (25%, 1 out of every 4). It is equally dangerous when you consider the long term emotion impact such behavior can have.

There are many different theories on what is acceptable sexual behavior among the sexes. For men it's easy. Have sex with as many women as you can. End of story. However, the theories on women are much different. As liberal as folks say they are it's hard for a woman to overcome the stigma of sleeping around.

I have one friend that holds to the belief that a woman having sex with her boyfriend is acceptable. That sounds OK in theory. However, when you consider that people can have multiple "boyfriends" in a years time. That number can get real high real quick. I don't care how you characterize those relationships at some point there can be no explanation for those high stats.

I knew a woman in college that reported 27 different partners by age 19. That is some serious activity at such a young age. Sadly, I don't think her report is all that uncommon. What man can deal with that high number? How could he ever feel special? He will likely feel like the next one in line. Not a good look.

I will only touch on the impact such behavior can have on future relationships. The comparisons, the thoughts, the burn out on sex (one becomes bored when you've done everything with everybody). The shame associated with such activity is another issue. And like I said before, God forbid that you contract an STD. Game over...or not depending on your conscience.

This is an issue I'm running into with women. At this age it's hard to find women that don't have crazy miles on them. I'm sure women have that problem too. With all the disease that's out in the world it's hard not to have that in the back of your mind. Truly safe sex is one of the benefits of a dedicated marriage. Plus, I think women that have a lot miles have a lot of emotional baggage on them. It's just too much. The numbers game is crazy. Stop while your ahead. If you can't stop, at least slow down long enough to get the first and last name.

THE LIFE LESSONS OF BEER

I am a beer fan. This is not some, "I drink beer to get drunk and cause it's cheap", type of thing. I am truly a beer lover. In many ways beer is like wine. It varies in flavor, color, and creation. It can be used to compliment a meal (Certain beers are fantastic with beef). It's versatile. I'm such a fan I'm about to learn how to brew my own. I'm definitely making a trip to the local brewery for a tour. I love beer.

As a beer lover I'm open to trying all kinds. I'm always in search of a new hops and barley experience. I've tried the lights, the foreign, the canned, the glass, the tap, the blueberry (yes, that was a mistake), and many more. I once tried Guinness Extra Stout. It was too thick for me, too potent. I thought it was absolutely disgusting. I asked, "who would drink this stuff?"

As life would have it I happen to have a couple of Guinness' sitting in my fridge. I did not want to drink them but I wanted a beer and didn't feel like going to buy any. So while holding my nose, I opened the bottle and took a sip. To my surprise it was no longer repulsive. It was quite satisfying. I drank it all and enjoyed every drop of it. Who knew that at the bottom of the bottle would be a life lesson?

What I have come to find is that you can't drink all beers the same way. I like light beer, white beers, and domestic brews. I have typically not been a fan of more potent beers because you have to take them a little slower. Well, I figured out that I was trying to take Guinness too fast. It is not meant to be guzzled, but to be sipped and savored. The results were significantly better.

The same is true in relationships. Sure, as a man with needs and desires I would love to cut straight to the chase and get busy. Downing women (like beer) with the quickness...saying on to the next one. To be sure, there is pleasure in that experience. However, if you slow down and take in all that a woman has to offer then you may find the experience to be much more satisfying (like my Guinness).

You may have been bitter on quick hit and quit relationships. That's probably because they weren't meant for that type of activity. People are full bodied, heavy, and potent with substance and personality. They can't be ingested quickly. No, no...they must be sipped and savored. Taken in slowly so you can enjoy every bit of it. Take a lesson from the beer, slow down and you find it quite satisfying.

I HAVE FOUND THE ENEMY

Earlier today I was enlightened by an old friend why I'm so lost in the dating game. I would love to maintain my line that I've been out the game for more than a decade and as a dedicated husband I have lost track of how the game is played. The truth is, I never had a hold of the game in the first place. Let's take a look at the issues.

Issue 1-Doubt

I was confronted today with the fact that if a woman is not interested then she wouldn't agree to spend time with you. Certainly, there are gold digging Chic's out there that will take a free meal at every turn. However, assuming all things are equal one should assume that if a woman will spend time with a person they have some level of genuine interest. I was always cautious and doubtful and consequently short circuited my own relationship.

Issue 2-Inclusion

I was informed that I did not take enough time to let relationships develop apart from the circle of friends. In my past life I did not designate time for 1 on 1 time so I could see the real person and they could see the real me. There is some evidence/arguments that say that people are the real them in group settings. Not always true. Some are, some aren't. This was a major mistake. If I could allow people to be comfortable in privacy then perhaps they would unveil themselves? Women are creatures of discretion....they crave privacy.



Issue 3-NERD

I can't deny what I am. I am a straight up nerd. I was able to cover some of this by my involvement in sports in high school. Being a jock has great benefits of friendship and notoriety. However, I am at my core a nerd. I'm a thinker. I like to read, write, politic, and think through things to no end. I'm funny and entertaining (in a know it all nerd type of way). Consequently, women have a tough time seeing themselves with me cause I'm not the norm. Maybe, that would change if I got paid like a nerd......hold that thought.

Issue 4-Friend Zone

Building off the issue of inclusion (too much, too soon, too often) I bring women into the Friend Zone. I thought it was the women that were putting me in the zone (Read I Might Be Gay). All this time it was me. By bringing women into the fold too soon it creates an atmosphere where they become one of the guys. Bad move. This leads to an undesired result....friends, not lovers. I do this all the time. Even if I don't bring women into the fold I tend to treat them like one of the guys. Tada!!! Friend Zone.

Issue 5-Unclear Intentions

Women are all about security. It's hard for them to make a move on a hunch. They want to know what the deal is up front. This is why they press for boundaries on the relationship, definition, and direction. I can be unclear as to my intentions in a relationship and leave women guessing. I'd be better off telling women I'm trying to hit rather than just leaving it out there. Woman aren't going to wait on a maybe when they have a yes else where. Make a move or the woman will. It's hard to be taken serious when you roll like this.

Issue 6-Clam Bake

Coming up my boys were always surprised at how I could spark a conversation with women. It was easy and still is for the most part. I have the gift of gab and know how to use it to engage folks. What I don't have is confidence when it comes to women I'm really interested in. I clam up big time (NERD) and self-destruct. Not a good look.

I'm sure there are more issues but I'm going to stop for now. I might revisit this issue as more clarity comes. As the famous saying goes, "I have found the enemy and he is me!" It's sad but true. The great, late, Ron Johnson taught the first enemy the warrior (Man) must face is self. Boy, ain't that the truth. I will be kicking myself for days to come on this issue. My life could be significantly different had I been able to overcome my issues.