100

This blog post is monumental for me. It's my 100th post. It is a small accomplishment, but an accomplishment nevertheless. I thought that I might fall off from posting my thoughts on this project. I figured once the anger subsided that my passion for writing on this subject would also subside as well. That has not been the case. This blog has served as a valuable outlet for my thoughts, feelings, opinions, and questions. It has been cathartic.

On the subject of 100, I am just that. The commonly used "100" describes a person keeping it real, being honest, no holds barred. I value honesty and transparency. I'm not interested in misleading people, manipulating people, or tricking people about anything. I've adopted the belief that if you tell the truth you don't have to worry about what you said. I would think that being honest would have high value and serve me well. It hasn't always.

I was recently informed that due to my good guy presentation, being honest, and keeping it 100, actually causes pause about my trustworthiness. I have been told that because I wouldn't be suspected of cheating is the very reason I am suspected of cheating. I had to laugh and yet I was a bit taken aback by the statement. Cant' win for losing.

I know why someone would be concerned about my honesty. Since I was a kid I have always been referenced as a measure or standard for the truth because I was known to be honest even in difficult situations. Many tried to use me to support their lies. I wasn't interested in ruining my rep for their foolishness. I'm not interested in ruining my rep for my foolishness these days either.

I can see how I could use my character and presentation to my advantage for malicious activity. Yet, I never have. What you see is what you get. I'm a nut, a bit eccentric, highly intellectual, honest, nice guy. I'm no more, no less. Despite the fear that my honesty seems to put in the minds of people I will continue to keep it 100.

AIN'T NO GOING BACK

Over the course of the past 12 months I have been asked if I have made any headway with my wife? This question resurfaces over and over again despite my declaration that this union is over. Recently my wife sent me a text stating that she has lost all hope for reconciliation. I replied stating that I lost all hope a long time ago. "I'm a man with pride, ego, and heart. The woman I married died a long time ago as far as I'm concerned."

Most of the people that ask me this question are women. In addition to that, many women I've talked to that know without a shadow of a doubt that their husbands/boyfriends have cheated on them have chosen to stay. This has led me to wonder if men and women are built differently concerning how they handle infidelity? I believe they are.

Many of the women that I've spoken with have various reasons for why they've decided to stay. Many have children to consider. Some have financial responsibilities that they can not maintain without their partner. Some, have settled that all men cheat. That is my grandmother's perspective. She has stated repeatedly over my life that all men cheat. Whatever it is, this staying power doesn't seem to be present in men.

Men don't have a worldview that accepts unfaithfulness on the part of the woman. I think that something to do with the general make-up of both men and women concerning sex. For men, sex is physical...purely physical in most cases. Men are visual beings, easily aroused by what they see, and ready to act at a moments notice. For men, sex is just that sex. The presence of passion and desire aren't always present. Men can have sex and move on like they just shook hands. Nothing more, nothing less. It's true when a man says, "I was just fucking her, I love you." I know it seems impossible but it can be.

Women don't function like this by and large. Certainly, more and more you are seeing women that engage in sex like men and claim they have know emotional effects. I don't believe this is the case for most women. When a woman has sex with a man it's normally because he has captured her heart in some shape or form. It is not a simple fulfilling of physical desire. Instead, it's a connection of emotion, intellect, and body. For women, the giving of their bodies is the giving of their hearts.

The difference between the two sexes is the very source of the problem. Women can deal and recover from the infidelity of a man because of how men engage. It's not that it isn't extremely painful. It's not that it doesn't have lasting, damaging effects on the relationship. It's the fact that if a man has a sex with a woman he is not giving his heart. It's the woman that he's living to live with, support, and suffer with that has caught his heart. Other women are likely just a piece of ass.

If this was the case for women men could probably recover a little better. If women viewed men as just a "dick." A means to an end, then men could probably deal. That simply isn't reality. Truth is, when a woman's gone...she's gone. Once you take it their ain't no coming back. I wish that women would recognize this difference in men and particularly the difference in me. I'm not looking to reconcile. I'm not holding out hope for a reckoning. I'm done. Once she took it there, AIN'T NO COMING BACK.

EPIDEMIC

The journey of my marital relationship has brought me in contact with many different people. Some old. Some young. Some my very age. What has been consistent is the presence of infidelity. Most of those that have shared this painful part of their lives with me have been women. Some have been men. What has surprised me is the incredible numbers of people that have been hit with news that their spouse has been unfaithful.

I have come to find that folks that have been married for decades or more, have strong public appearances, or that are even in ministry have suffered the pain of infidelity. If you watch the news or at all socially conscious you likely have an awareness of the fear that HIV/AIDS will one day become an epidemic. This really hasn't been the case. What has been the case and in growing numbers is the epidemic of infidelity.

Cheating is off the charts. Men lie, women lie. Hell, you have down low folks which is cheating on a whole notha' level. It is as though we have become animals driven by instinct and without thought or logic. There is a hilarious scene in the movie The Five Heartbeats where a man is being encouraged to seek help for his sexual activities. The man's brother, Duck, says, "Hi, my name is JT and I can't control my dick." It was a comical statement on the man's inability to be faithful. I think most the nation could repeat that statement right about now.

Dr. Drew said that he believes people have fallen to a state of being where they struggle with the ability to be intimate in any other way than sexually and therefore they cheat. My therapist stated that people who cheat enjoy the thrill of the adrenaline brought on by the sneaking around. It's addictive, hard to produce in a committed relationship, and fades after time requiring a new lover. Essentially we are becoming more animalistic.

I've never cheated in my life. I've had thoughts, desires, and even dreams. However, I've never hugged a woman, touched a woman, kept a woman's number or met a woman in secret. Cheating is not my thing. This epidemic makes it hard to trust people. It makes it hard to let your heart be free to be open and penetrated by the presence and substance of another. I will always have some level of trepidation concerning relationships.

The cheating epidemic is destroying lives, families, hearts, and future generations. Where is the push to stop this disease? There was a move by President Bush to require marriage counseling before divorces could be granted. I'm not saying the government should mandate such things but the heart of the issue is important. Children are best raised in families. Sex is safest in committed relationships. A change needs to happen and happen quickly. We may be looking at the end of monogamy. I hope not.

HATERS...

I'm not one that talks about "Haters." Truth be told, I hate the whole discussion about haters. I just can't stand the incredible conceit one has to have to think that people are so concerned about their life that they put a great deal of energy into bad mouthing or pulling them down. Another reason I can't stand the "hater" view is that I hear criminals say that people are hating on them for treating them like what they are...CRIMINALS!!!!!

I know that people do have enemies and there are backstabbing people in the world, but folks have taken things to the level of Megalomania. Folks really go around as if they are celebrities and folks just can't wait to get a piece of them. I remember my boss used to ask me what one of my co-workers (equal in rank) did? I couldn't answer the question because I don't watch other people like that. I do my job and pay attention to those things that fall in that sphere. I'm not looking to hate, hype, or kiss ass.

So, I say all that so I can say this; I HAVE HATERS!!!! I know it seems rather hypocritical but it's true. I was recently having a conversation with a friend of mine that amply told me that I was clearly discriminated against while we were both serving at the same organization. He told me that he would recommend me for leadership roles or as a presenter and time after time he would hit a brick wall. He said he was perplexed as to why folks were so down on me...and he came to the conclusion it was my educational background.

This isn't the first time I've been hated against. I was passed over for a promotion by one of my employers and amply placed on the shit list due to a hater. Turns out that my competition wasn't just promoting herself, she was taking credit for my work and planting seeds that I didn't do jack. Nice combo. She was promoted to oversee a $14 million facility while I was threatened with losing my job. I didn't find out till it was all too late.

My last example comes from my previous place of employment. I was asked to meet with one of the high ups from headquarters. I was honest, open, and shared my opinion concerning material needs and suggestions. The higher up thanked me for my time and went on her way. She met with several other employees before a meeting was held with the administration. It was reported to me that my supervisor specifically asked what I said? They said she never inquired about anyone else. This same woman would have me investigated for alleged threats against her. Never happened. HATER!!!!

Apparently, I'm the type of person that you either lover or hate. No middle ground. People are often surprised when they hear that someone doesn't like me. I'm equally surprised. Not cause I'm so great, but because I treat people with respect. I can remember a man jokingly telling me once, "I don't like you. You know why? Cause your too nice." Story of my life. I guess I'll have to curtail my hate for the "hater" discussion. They are real. They are out there. And they are hating on you.

QUANTUM PHYSICS

Years ago I was at a conference and the speaker talked about quantum physics. Now, I'm no scientist so if this is wrong please feel free to correct me. As I understand it, quantum physics simply put is the theory that every action has an impact greater than the action alone. For example, a butterfly fluttering it's wings in Africa will produce a wind that will be eventually felt on the other side of the world.

I bring this up because I think of how we don't realize the impact our actions have individually and collectively on our world. My wife's actions and assault on our marriage continues to have an ever expanding negative impact on my world. My wife's actions have resulted in the destruction of our marriage, the painful splitting of parents for my children, and ever unfolding financial impact.

The impact on my children is the greatest of all these. My son and daughter have been impacted emotionally in more ways than I know. It shows in their behavior, academic performance, and emotional outburst when I have too leave them. I hope and pray that this won't negatively impact the rest of their lives, but I know there will be some residue. My wife's butterfly flutter has turned into a full blown tsunami.

Financially, I am in danger of losing my home, credit shot to hell, the declaration of bankruptcy, and who knows what else. I saw this one coming from a mile a way. She said she didn't care when she left. Apparently, she forgot that she didn't care because now she's pissed that she too will need to declare bankruptcy if I can salvage this ship. Hey, choices have consequences.

Psychologically, there is an impact as well. My psychological fall out was quick, fast, and explosive. I often survey the mentally ill patients I treat daily and think to myself, "I was very close to being here." Thankfully, things didn't go as far as they could have but I was on my way. On my wife's end I hear that she is suffering horribly. I won't list her issues but they are concerning. I'm mad as hell but I don't wish ill will upon her. After all, she is the mother of my children.

These are just a few of the things that are starting to come to fruition as we creep up on a years anniversary. I know there is more to come. I'm prepared for this. What I'm not prepared for is what will happen to my kids. They are showing resolve but this should have never happened to them. Remember, every action has an equal reaction...and sometimes more.

RAW EMOTION

I know I've mentioned my respect and appreciation for the work of 2Pac. I love his lyrical wizardry. He was an MC that was both substantive and entertaining. Pac had the good fortune of tight beats and good publicist. No doubt, he's one of the greatest rappers of all time. I used to think that Pac was confused. He would make songs like "Brenda's Got a Baby," a conscious song about teenage pregnancy, abuse, and neglect. Then he turns around and makes song like, "Thug Life," a song promoting criminal behavior. I've come to change my mind a bit.

Pac may have in fact been as real as one can get. His mixed group of songs was a lyrical representation of the reality each and everyone of us experience daily. His songs showed all sides of the human Psyche, struggle, doubts, triumphs, desires, hopes, and dreams. He was no more confused than anyone of us. Not only did he reflect this lyrically but he did so vocally. There was no doubt that Pac was feeling his work as you hear him strain with rage and anger. He was raw emotion.

I can relate to Pac now. My writings are thoughts and emotions captured in print of my current mood and mindset. I spill my hopes and dreams, pains and struggles, beliefs and doubts, right here on this blog. A distant viewer might think I'm confused. And, to be honest, sometimes I am. But more than confused I'm real. I have ups and downs. Highs and lows. Good days and bad days alike. You get a peek at my heart every time I write. I'm not crazy. I'm human.

It is rare that people ever get to see the raw emotion I possess. It is often shown in those rare times of anger and frustration. It can be explosive. Some people are scared by it because it's so out of character for me. At times, I scare myself. This isn't something that happens often but when it does it's bad. I also have to pull in my raw comedic emotion at times as I have been known to go to far.

If you take time to go through my earlier writings you will see that there is an explosion of anger and cynicism on the front end. I was just putting what I felt out there. As time has gone on things have improved...a little...and my writings are slightly more balanced. This is real. This is life. This is me. Certainly, I haven't spilled everything on this blog. Some things have to be held close to the vest. Not that I'm ashamed of my thoughts, but I don't know that folks are ready for full blown me.

Writing is my outlet. It's where I can bounce my thoughts off the cyber wall and see what I have. It's where I can yell and scream without consequence. This is where I can be confused, encouraged, angry, irreverent, and outright ignorant if I so desire. This is my place of raw emotion.

UNIQUE DATES

I have long been thinking of things to do on dates that would be slightly out of the norm and yet fun and interesting. I'm generally a dinner and movie guy. I love food, I love movies...makes sense to put the two together. Yet, that can get played out. Especially for someone that isn't into movies like that. I have compiled a number of dates that I think might be off the beaten path:

1. An Evening of learning how to BBQ: I love BBQ and love to learn about it. I thought this interactive, cooking, tasting, learning, experience would be something different. Hey if it bombs I still got to learn something and eat something. Those are important.

2. Touring a Brewery: I'm a big fan of beer. I'm not a drunk. Sometimes I go weeks without having a sip of brew. But, if the mood is right I'm having at least one before bed on most days. I really would like to take a tour of a brewery one day. I'm in luck cause one is close to where I live. I'm the type of guy that likes to learn things for the sake of knowing and experiencing it. Who wants to see a brew?

3. Making my own Brew: Since I'm on the brew tip already I might as well become a brew master while I'm at it. There is a place or two or three in my area that teaches you how to make your own brew. One place let's you age, name, and label your own brew. You could call it, "Knocking the Brews." Which is what you hope to do if the date goes well.

4. Wine Making: I'm not a big wine drinker but I know women tend to be a fan. Plus, as a kid I remember my grandparents making their own wine. It was delicious! Oh, and there is one of those around my home as well.

5. A trip to the Vineyard: I'm not talking about Martha's Vineyard, though that would be nice. I'm talking about an actual trip to a vineyard. There happens to be one within half an hour of my home. Not great for the winter time, but a good spot to hit nonetheless. You can wine and dine in a beautiful setting. How many men are doing that at a Vineyard?

6. All Fired UP: All Fired Up is the name of a company that allows you to fashion your own pottery in their store. I thought this would be cool. You get to shape, mold, bake, and paint your own pottery. If you're an artsy type this could work for you.

7. Trip to the Museum: This might be a little difficult cause I'm not talking about your run of the mill museum. I'm talking about going to a Psychology Museum where you can see the mid-evil treatment of the insane. Or, a Sex Museum...I don't know what you would find there but I'm sure it will be fun. And of course, you could try the Madame Tussauds Wax Museum. These dates would be advanced for some but I think it would be worth it.

8. The Football Hall of Fame: If you are lucky enough to be with a woman that loves football this would be a great place to go for a date. Lot's of history, lots to talk about, some interactive activities, and food. If you know this woman, marry her...NOW!

9. Safari: If your woman is an animal lover you might want to make a trip to a local wildlife safari. These spots are fun. You get to see animals you normally wouldn't in a setting that is slightly different from the zoo. You can feed the animals, watch presentations and events, and hang out. This could be a winner.

10. Shop Talk: You may want to opp for a nice quaint evening at your local coffee shop. This is a nice place to kick back, relax, and get to know your date a little better. I like this option because it allows you to take time getting to know the person. You shouldn't be talking at the movies so you might spend time with a person and not know them anymore than you did at the beginning of the night.

11. Sporting Event: Hey, if you can get your woman to go to a baseball, basketball, or football game I highly recommend it. Basketball games have all types of activity going on so even if you're not a sports fan you will likely be entertained. Football can be good too if the whether is right. Baseball can provide a nice scenic, laid back atmosphere where you can talk and enjoy an event at the same time.

These are some of the things I've come up with. I have more but I will spare you for now. Let me know your ideas. I'm always looking for new things to do.