WHAT'S A MAN TO DO

I just finished reading a book about a man that has an affair because his wife refused to have sex with him. The book paints a picture that the man was made to feel dirty or immoral about his sexual desires. Oddly enough, while having a conversation about relationships with a relative she brought up the issue of men stepping out because their wives wouldn't give them any lovin' unprompted. It was quite a convenient coincident. I understand this isn't uncommon at all.

The fictional and non-fictional issue of sex in marriage or any committed relationship has cause me to ask the question, "What is a man to do?" I mean really, is a man to just sit around forever waiting for the time when his wife feels like she's in the mood? That's horrible. When a man gets married he does so with the expectation of regular sexual activity. He doesn't do it with the hopes or dreams of it, but as a normal part of the marriage relationship. What man gets married for regular conversation and to have someone tell him what he's not doing right?

It's a strange thing because women seem down for all types of fucking pre-marriage. Be they Christian, Muslim, or any other persuasion, sex seems to be on the menu in great supply before the vows are exchanged. Yet, somewhere along the lines sex turns into a chore and the woman finds all types of reasons to resist engaging her husband in such a way. Included in these reasons is righteous indignation. Women seem to feel that sex is dirty and so is the man for wanting it on the regular. This is a societal myth that suits the needs of women nicely as needed.

Imagine for a moment if you will, that you have made a commitment to the person you love. You have declared it publicly. You lay down next to them nightly in near if not total nudity. Yet, you are expected to refrain from sexual activity with this person that you are connected to in mind, body, and soul. What type of life is that? What type of reality is that? If a woman wants a girlfriend then get a girlfriend. Don't get married.

Getting married will only torture you and the man. You will be tortured because you desire someone to hold you, support you, listen to you, provide for you, and protect you without physical engagement. Not gonna happen. In addition, you will be frustrated by the fact that the man will continue to press the issue. And if pressing the issue fails, he's going to press his way out the door to a woman that is willing and able. The man will be frustrated because despite his best efforts he's not getting what he so highly values-SEX. He will equally be angered by the characterization that he is a dog with uncontrollable desires (God given desires). And, he will resent the fact that he feels the need to go outside the relationship for satisfaction.

To put it bluntly, it's fucked up. It's fucked up that a man would be put in a situation where he would feel the need to search elsewhere for sexual gratification. It's fucked up that his wife or committed other would try to justify her frigged ways by demonizing the man. It's one big old mess. But, what is a man to do?

Turning Cake Into Beef

The other day I was having an on-line conversation with a life time friend. I've known this girl since before I can remember. We went to school most of our early childhood, lived around the corner from each other, and went to prom together. In short, we're friends. Well, at least we were until recently.

As I was saying we were chatting online the other day. My friend said she was going to bake a cake. Being a lover of bake goods and cake in particular I asked for her to send me a one. She replied that she would send me a picture. I told her thanks for nothing. At this point, her husband jumped into the discussion and said I had to get my own. I took it lightly and continued to joke with him.

Later on, building off of the earlier exchange I asked my friend why her husband was "cake blocking?" She thought is was funny as did I and stated because her husband doesn't like to share her goodies. We had a laugh and that was that. Or, so I thought.

I would later be informed that my joke caused serious offense to her husband. He stated that he thought is was inappropriate under any circumstances no matter how close we were as friends. I was cool and said that I was sorry for any offense and that I would lay low. My friend responded by saying that she knew I would be cool. The next day we were no longer friends. I was cut lose just like that.

Now, I'm no fool. I don't think our Internet chats are something that should be an issue in her marriage or anyone else' for that matter. I mean its not that serious. However, I am bothered that someone would think that I was trying to push up on their wife. I would never do such a thing. I'm kind of honored by it in a sense that he saw me as a threat. Still, my character felt assaulted and so I was bothered.

I'm a bit dumbfounded how an innocent joke about cake turned into beef. I think I know the answer. When I was a kid my best friend told me to never cheat. He said that his own cheating ways had caused him to become paranoid. He started to question everyday behaviors by his girlfriend because he saw his own actions in the works. I think this might be the cause of the overreaction and beef.

In any event, I will press on. I'm a good guy. I know it. I meant no harm. It's just unfortunate that people have to go through bull because of the behavior of others. Every move we make has an impact not only on ourselves but on others. Sometimes those are good. Sometimes, they are bad. It all depends. Life is no piece of cake, but you will have beef.

FAMILY TRAIT

I've been playing close attention to how my uncle and male cousins treat their spouses or significant others. They are very service oriented. They make their plates, their coffee, do the clothes, and when possible they move quickly to meet the desires of their better half. They defer to their partners. If some goes wrong they make it right. They are servants.

My grandfather did the same thing. Prior to his passing he took care of a great deal of business including his own funeral arrangements and that of my grandmother unbeknownst to her. He did many things for his wife even after he loss the use of his legs. He was a lover/servant. This is something that has been caught by the men of my family.

I too served my wife. I did a lot around the house. I did the dishes, the laundry, bathed and clothed the kids, put the kids to bed, made breakfast, did lawn work, took care of the finances, took care of the cars, and anything else I could provide. If my wife asked for it I tried my damnedest to take care of it. I was doing what I knew to be right.

In some ways I feel as though this is a weakness and a downfall of our family men. I think in some ways women don't respect that type of thing. Many want a domineering man that flips the script and demands service from his wife. In some ways I feel that women don't respect a servant style man. I think had I been more harsh I might still have my wife. I'll never really know. I wanted to discard this part of my personality but I can't. I am who I am. After all, it's my heritage, it's a family trait.

FAMILY MATTERS

I am currently enjoying the pleasure of my families company over this holiday season. It is amazing how the family has grown exponentially. Where there were once 3 cousins, there is now 9 from one branch. I have brought two of my own to the party. It has truly warmed my heart to see all of the children interacting and loving one another as family should. Amidst all of this good will I have noticed a difference between some of the children.

Some of the kids are older, some younger, some boys, some girls, some live here, some are visitors. Some are taller, some are smaller, some are thinner, some are fatter. Some are brown, some are light skinned, some even look a tad bit Asian. Some are quiet. Some are loud. Some are just right. Yet, these are not the differences that stand out.

What has stood out is the difference in temperament and response to being told "no." The children with their families in tact (mother, father, same home) seem to be more balanced. There are less tears, less acting out, less tantrums, and the like. On the flip side, those with broken families (single parent home, separation, divorce) appear to have an upswing in poor behavior. This is not to say that they are bad children. What I am saying is that their growth and adjustment has been impacted by the absence of both parents in the home.

I don't think I'm telling people anything they don't already know. Common sense and studies tell us that intact families are the best environment for raising children. I have seen this play out myself as those with both parents in the home in my family have been better off economically, educationally, and socially. There is tremendous benefit to maintaining a traditional family.

I had hoped to provide such a family to my children. I've always felt somewhat less than due to my lack of financial production, the inability to maintain my children's education in private schools, and give them any toys or gadgets they wanted. The one saving grace I had was that I could provide my children with a strong family structure. It is my great regret that I can no longer provide that to my children.

I can love my children hard and well. I can spend a great deal of time with them and teach them all they need to know. Yet, I can not provide the benefits of a mommy and daddy in the home. Some things just can't be replaced. It is unfortunate that this had to take place. I wish I had the strength to put it back together again for their sake. I'm too selfish. Perhaps a stronger man could forgive and move on. I can't. Despite my shortcomings, I hope that I can instill in my children that families matter.

Levels of Existence

I have been having an internal struggle lately. I've been going back and forth on weather what to do with the direction of my life. On one hand I'm quite pleased with my life and the way things are going right now. They're not perfect but I like the feel of things. On the other hand I know something is missing. It's really an issue of what I know to be true and walking in that truth.

I know that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the truth. I know that moral living is the best way to go whether the outcomes are what you desire or not. I know that there are everlasting implications not only for myself but for others based upon how I live. I know that I have gifts that God has given me for his purposes. Yet, I'm not satisfied with what that life has brought me. I'm thoroughly disappointed with the behavior of those in the fold of the Christian family and what has happened in my life.

Plus, to turn back to a life of faithful Christian living would mean some serious lifestyle changes that would impact the "fun" I'm having right now. Some of these changes are major, some not so major. Yet, much like relationships with women I don't know if I have the strength to venture back into the brutal arena of Christianity. I like the carefree living I'm doing right now. I like being able to watch the NFL pre-game shows and see the games from beginning to end without missing a thing. I like not being tied down with church meeting after church meeting with little results to show for my time and efforts. I'm just tired.

Still, I know that I can't keep doing what I'm doing with a clear conscience. I have maintained that my heart isn't in it. That's the Gospel truth cause its not. At least not right now. Yet, I know that I'm missing something. I know that "we were meant for more...but we've lost ourselves" to steal a line from Switchfoot. In the movie, The Matrix Reloaded, there is a statement made that the robots are prepared to go on at a certain "level of existence." This "existence" alluded to something less than abundance. That's kind of where I'm at right now. There are levels of existence I'm prepared to deal with right now. It's hard because I know that there is more...I just don't want to chase it without obtaining it.

This issue has really been on my mind lately. I feel that a return to the faith is the key to the return to my true self. At the same time, I'm seriously fearful of being wholly disappointed again. If I'm completely transparent for a moment I would tell you that I'm still mad at God for what has happened in my life. Why wouldn't he protect me? Why wouldn't he protect my children? I know he could have if he wanted to. That's where I'm at. That's honesty. Diving back into my faith would ring false and folks would know it. What am I to do? Until I can figure it out I guess there are levels of existence I'm prepared for.

Aston Martin Love

One of my favorite songs right now is Aston Martin Music by Rick Ross. I love the melody, the smooth sound of Chrissette Michelle (it helps that she's beautiful), and the multi-talented contributions of Drake, and of course Ross' lyrics. What I really like is the theme of the song.

Aston Martin is a European sports car made popular world wide by the James Bond movies. The care cost roughly $200k. It is the symbol of success for many in the hip hop game. Owning one of these is a clear example of having made it to the pinnacle of your dreams. There is another meaning the symbolism of the car holds in this song. The theme is actually seen throughout hip hop in several different songs. It has something to do with exclusivity.

The exclusivity I speak of is not one of financial accomplishment or status. It is one of relationship. The Aston Martin is a two seater sports car. That means it only holds the driver and one other person-MAX. That is some serious exclusivity. A decision must be made as to who you will open that second seat to. It's a position of honor, importance, significance...love.

I'm hoping to one day be able to regain that type of love and significance in my life. I want to hold that second spot in the two seater in a woman's heart and she in mine. I really believed I was in a two seater with my wife. Turned out I was pushed out of my own car and left sitting on the curb. I was car jacked. Anyway, I digress. I'm hoping to one day celebrate all aspects of the Aston Martin. The success, the money, the relationship, the exclusivity...I want it all. I'm going to push until I have it. I'm tryin' to have that Aston Martin life...that Aston Martin love.

NO STRENGTH

A common recurring question that comes up is "Will you get married again?" I go back and forth on this. There are days when I really want to be married again. I want that feeling of support, security, loyalty, love found in that context. I want to have more children and I think that is best done in the bounds of marriage. Yet, there are other days when I know that I don't have what it takes to do it again. At least, I don't have it right now.

There are times when I am selfish and I know it. I'm not at a place emotionally where I can support the changes that a woman goes through. I don't have it in me right now to deal with the emotional roller coaster that is a woman. I'm dealing with this right now in some respects. My good female friend is not exempt from the emotional ups and downs that come with the beauty of femininity. As such, she had mood swings that require attention. It is during these times that I realize I don't have it in me. I'm selfish. I would rather fall back and wait for the air to clear than to stand and be counted.

I'm worn out. This shows the limitations of my healing at this point in time. I'm good for hanging out. Being affectionate. Supporting goals. I have little patience or stamina for any kind of drama. That will need to be addressed before I go head first into a relationship. I can't be this way in a full blown committed relationship. It's not fair to my partner. It's not healthy for the relationship. It's not good if I want it to last.

I don't know if I can regain this strength. I'm still reluctant and jaded. Being open is not at all where I'm at. I open myself up as much as I would for the general public. I don't do it to the degree I would hope for in a intimate relationship. I hope I can recover in all ways necessary to love again. Right now, I don't have the strength.