Levels of Existence

I have been having an internal struggle lately. I've been going back and forth on weather what to do with the direction of my life. On one hand I'm quite pleased with my life and the way things are going right now. They're not perfect but I like the feel of things. On the other hand I know something is missing. It's really an issue of what I know to be true and walking in that truth.

I know that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the truth. I know that moral living is the best way to go whether the outcomes are what you desire or not. I know that there are everlasting implications not only for myself but for others based upon how I live. I know that I have gifts that God has given me for his purposes. Yet, I'm not satisfied with what that life has brought me. I'm thoroughly disappointed with the behavior of those in the fold of the Christian family and what has happened in my life.

Plus, to turn back to a life of faithful Christian living would mean some serious lifestyle changes that would impact the "fun" I'm having right now. Some of these changes are major, some not so major. Yet, much like relationships with women I don't know if I have the strength to venture back into the brutal arena of Christianity. I like the carefree living I'm doing right now. I like being able to watch the NFL pre-game shows and see the games from beginning to end without missing a thing. I like not being tied down with church meeting after church meeting with little results to show for my time and efforts. I'm just tired.

Still, I know that I can't keep doing what I'm doing with a clear conscience. I have maintained that my heart isn't in it. That's the Gospel truth cause its not. At least not right now. Yet, I know that I'm missing something. I know that "we were meant for more...but we've lost ourselves" to steal a line from Switchfoot. In the movie, The Matrix Reloaded, there is a statement made that the robots are prepared to go on at a certain "level of existence." This "existence" alluded to something less than abundance. That's kind of where I'm at right now. There are levels of existence I'm prepared to deal with right now. It's hard because I know that there is more...I just don't want to chase it without obtaining it.

This issue has really been on my mind lately. I feel that a return to the faith is the key to the return to my true self. At the same time, I'm seriously fearful of being wholly disappointed again. If I'm completely transparent for a moment I would tell you that I'm still mad at God for what has happened in my life. Why wouldn't he protect me? Why wouldn't he protect my children? I know he could have if he wanted to. That's where I'm at. That's honesty. Diving back into my faith would ring false and folks would know it. What am I to do? Until I can figure it out I guess there are levels of existence I'm prepared for.