NO STRENGTH

A common recurring question that comes up is "Will you get married again?" I go back and forth on this. There are days when I really want to be married again. I want that feeling of support, security, loyalty, love found in that context. I want to have more children and I think that is best done in the bounds of marriage. Yet, there are other days when I know that I don't have what it takes to do it again. At least, I don't have it right now.

There are times when I am selfish and I know it. I'm not at a place emotionally where I can support the changes that a woman goes through. I don't have it in me right now to deal with the emotional roller coaster that is a woman. I'm dealing with this right now in some respects. My good female friend is not exempt from the emotional ups and downs that come with the beauty of femininity. As such, she had mood swings that require attention. It is during these times that I realize I don't have it in me. I'm selfish. I would rather fall back and wait for the air to clear than to stand and be counted.

I'm worn out. This shows the limitations of my healing at this point in time. I'm good for hanging out. Being affectionate. Supporting goals. I have little patience or stamina for any kind of drama. That will need to be addressed before I go head first into a relationship. I can't be this way in a full blown committed relationship. It's not fair to my partner. It's not healthy for the relationship. It's not good if I want it to last.

I don't know if I can regain this strength. I'm still reluctant and jaded. Being open is not at all where I'm at. I open myself up as much as I would for the general public. I don't do it to the degree I would hope for in a intimate relationship. I hope I can recover in all ways necessary to love again. Right now, I don't have the strength.