FLEXIBILITY

I can remember early on in my marriage seeing my wife break down at our kitchen table. Her face was covered in tears. When I inquired as to why, she said it was because of our bills and lack of money. I was still in college at the time and she was working an entry level job. We were broke. I expected that. I don't think she did.

I took over the finances at that time. Not because I'm particularly skilled but because I wanted to take the stress off of her. She had a tough time being flexible. She had to have savings in the budget. She had to pay this and pay that. She couldn't budge on it. That's what had brought her to tears...NO FLEXIBILITY.

I see this is common amongst women. Women want perfection. They want the dream to be executed exactly as they scripted it. Life doesn't work that way. Basic economics demand that when you put resources in one place, you can't put them in another. Women by and large don't seem to live by that. They want it all and if they don't have it they may not be at peace. They stress themselves out because they have unrealistic expectations and aren't willing to give on them. They have learn to trap themselves in a jail of unhappiness.

Most things in life you can afford to be flexible on. Oddly enough, people are real flexible on things that matter most. They're flexible on matters of faith, values, and morality. While being tough on things like name brands, television shows, and sports. Folks need to relax and take it easy. Learn to laugh at ones self and enjoy the day. Be flexible and let the stress go.

NOT ALWAYS THIS WAY

Many view me as a positive, friendly, outspoken, bold man. I haven't always been this way. Those that knew me in my formational years would tell you that I was quite shy. If you asked me, I would tell you that I used to be afraid and uncomfortable around most people.

Even in college I was very much to myself. I had a group of friends, was part of groups, and even in leadership, but nothing like what I am now. I feared women. Didn't think I was "cool" (and I'm not). I just wasn't "ok" with who I am. Not much has really changed about who I am since those days. I believe I'm the same guy at my core. Yet, I'm much more comfortable with myself now than I have ever been in my life.

This didn't happen by accident. I wanted to present as something different than I was. I felt misunderstood in most situations and really wanted people to get a clear picture of me. Don't get me wrong, I'm still misunderstood. I'm just not as concerned as I used to be. I have worked at engaging people. I worked at being vocal and inclusive in my demeanor.

I'm still not the person I want to be but I'm getting there. I say all this to say that change is real and possible. No one has to stay the same. We are not locked into a prison of self. If you want to change something do it. It takes work. It takes courage. It takes time. But, it can be done. I know so many people that want to be something different than what they are right now. Yet, they are not willing to pay the price at this point in time. I'm diving into an area that I'm not familiar with, that I don't have any connections in, and I don't have experience in. Yet, I'm pressing on because I want to be something different than what I am. I wasn't always this way and I don't plan to always be this way.

MY HERO'S

I'm a firm believer in hero's. We all need them. We need them because we all need help and assistance in our lives. We need because we need guidance. We need a path that we can follow, at least in principle, to get us where we want to go. Hero's inspire us, drive us, lead us, teach us, guide us....and in some cases-SAVE US. With that in mind, I have compiled a list of my personal hero's. Here they are:


Jesus Christ-Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. His impact upon the world is unequaled by any man, movement, or force. His personal impact on my life may literally be the difference between life and death in the here and now. I know it is in the hereafter.

Billy Graham-Billy Graham is truly a great American hero. He is in so many ways the American Dream. Known to many as "America's Preacher," he has preached live and in person to more people throughout the world than any other man in history. He has brought true hope to many with the message of the Gospel. Visit his Library if you can in Charlotte, NC. It's a moving experience.

Grandma-This woman has raised me. She has been the most powerful moral shaping force in my life. She has always encouraged me to be courageous and stand on my own beliefs even when others didn't agree. I watched my grandmother visit my grandfather for the better part of a decade in a hospital of some kind day in and day out. She would go and sit with him. She always said she did it for him because she knew he would do it for her. Her example of love will never be forgotten.

Grandpa-This man was my true father. He raised me up as a man. He was both my teammate and opponent before I played organized sports. He was my mapquest before such a thing existed. He was Wikipedia before it was created. You could ask him most any question and he would give the bare bones practical answer. He was a non-chalent type of guy. Funny, irreverent, and caring, he laid the foundation for who I am as a man.

Tony Dungy-I love Tony Dungy. He's a man amongst men in so many different ways. Dungy is the first African-American NFL head coach to win a Super Bowl. He is also a mentor to many coaches and players throughout the league. He reached out Michael Vick upon his release from prison and has worked with him to reshape not only his image, but his very life. Tony Dungy is the author of two best selling books, Uncommon and Quiet Strength. He is a ministry leader and man of so much more than sports.

Mike Tomlin-Mike Tomlin is coach of my beloved Pittsburgh Steelers. He is a product of the Tony Dungy coaching tree and a Super Bowl winner. Tomlin became the head coach of the Steelers at the age of 34. He is the youngest coach in history to win a Super Bowl. He has set a new standard for young coaches throughout the league. He's not only a coach but a family man. He has been heavily involved in ministries that seek to help father's connect with their children. He's a highly entertaining interview. Check him out if you're not familiar.

A.C. Green-played in the NBA for 15 years. During that time he set a record of playing in 1,192 straight games. Many believe this record will never be broken. What is more impressive and why I list him as a hero is that his greatest claim to fame is that he practiced abstinence and had never had sex. This includes his years as an NBA star. Keep in mind he started his career in Los Angeles. He's the man, plain and simple.

Jay Z-This guy is a rap genius. His lyrics are profound. I enjoy his music because there is a maturity that can be followed throughout his career. He grew, and with him so did his music. Not just a rapper, not just a performer, not just a business man, but truly a deep thinker. His impact on music and culture will be around for quite some time. Check out his book Decoded. It's a great read.

Ken Blackwell-Blackwell is a prominent African-American republican. He was mayor of Cincinnati, OH at age 28 and had never lost a political campaign until he ran for governor. Said to be worth over a quarter billion dollars, he's not only a politician but a business man.

Frederick Douglas-Quite simply one of the greatest Americans in our nations history. Perhaps, the greatest African-American to ever live. His accomplishments are lengthy. His triumphs unbelievable. He was a former slave that taught himself to read, founded a newspaper, petitioned President Lincoln to allow black to fight in the Civil War, enlisted in the army and personally recruited 250k blacks to serve, and would go on to hold multiple leadership positions in President Lincoln's administration. I often think on his life for motivation.

MLK-An American revolutionary. He is responsible for making the story of segregation clear in America. It was MLK that told protesters not to retaliate when attacked by the police and others so that America could see that Blacks were not aggressive, but victims of a vile hatred. His ability to inspire people to march knowing of the coming consequences for the greater good has not been equaled.

Mom-My mother has a servants heart. She has sacrificed so much for others I encourage her to scale back to take care of herself. She's not perfect but her heart is huge. I don't know if I've seen anyone give as much of themselves as she has.

These are just some of the folks I look to for inspiration. I have many hero's. I advise you to identify some of yours. We all need em'.

THERE ARE ALWAYS RISK

We live in an age of guarantees. People love guarantees. I think this is the result of marketing and fear. I say marketing because on almost every product you buy from a bottle of water to the taste of a meal, you're satisfaction is guaranteed. I laugh at this because who is going to return a bottle of water? On the fear side, people want to know that they're not being to risky making a move or buying a product.

I can remember I vowed never to shop at Burlington coat factory because they had a horrible return policy. At one point in time you couldn't return your purchase for the cash you spent. Once that money was gone it was gone. I can remember being concerned about the validity of the roof on the home I was purchasing. The owner obtained an approval from a roofing company owned by one of his friends. I was very concerned because my inspector thought the roof needed work. My realtor told me that if the roof ended up needing work the entire sale of the home would be void. I had my guarantee and moved forward with the purchase.

People bring this same attitude to relationships. They want a guarantee. I have a friend that stated she wanted the "security" of marriage. In a perfect world marriage does provide security. However, the reality is that the sense of "security" one feels in a marriage is largely perception. Relationships are not contracts. There are legalities involved in some cases, but no guarantees. Biblically speaking, marriage is a covenant. But, the covenant is dependent on the character of the individuals involved.

Folks are afraid to let their hearts be free because of the inherent risk. They want that product guarantee that comes with love. No such thing exist. There will always be risk. Risk in relationships. Risk in marriage. Risk in life. Living is inherently risky because we do not control the factors. Hell, we don't even control ourselves. All of life is full of risk. There are risk when you drive. Risk when you eat. Risk when you accept a job that it won't be there when you leave the job you have. Risk are everywhere!!!

So, with that I say this; TAKE RISK! A life lived in fear and hiding is no life at all. You trade security for a lack of freedom. It's boring and unsatisfying. I'm not saying that you should go willy nilly and act foolishly. I am saying that you should take calculated risk and experience life. It's important to protect your heart. Yet, you don't want to lock it in a tower like Rapunzel. Live a little. Don't be afraid. Risk are a part of life. So take some and live.

DISTANT

I have maintained innocence in the failings of my marital relationship throughout this journey. For the most part I still do. It's not that I'm perfect. I'm not. It's not that I didn't do anything wrong. I did. It's just that I could not draw a one to one cause and response action on my part. I may have uncovered what I've done to bring my marriage to the ground.

It was uncovered last night that I'm emotionally distant. I was informed that a close female friend of mine feels that she has to "compete" for my attention when I'm in her presence. It is because of my emotional distance that she wonders about my sincerity. My wife used to question my sincerity as well. It's an odd thing for me because I don't experience it. I don't see it. I can't hear it. Yet, I accept that I am.

This is an issue of being "present in the moment." Apparently, I'm not. My mind is constantly turning things over and over. It allows me to have incite and at the same time be somewhere else when I'm in the room. I have been thinking that technology may also play a role. Instant messaging, text messaging, and the like allow you to interact with others while doing something else. Perhaps, I don't know how to turn this off.

It could be that my broken heart isn't mended. My wife said I've never been the same since the death of my grandfather. She said I was "different." She couldn't explain it but she knew I had changed. The loss of my wife is another significant emotional blow. I have know doubt I've been hardened by that experience. My "distance" may in fact be a coping mechanism used in an effort not to feel pain by shutting others out.

Whatever it is, I've got to address this. I don't like being distant in any relationship. I'm generally known as an extremely trustworthy person. My distance impacts my ability to connect with others and be trusted. My profession depends on my credibility. My relationships are contingent on my presence. This is a good thing. I have a lead. I hate that I'm this way but at least I know where to go.

Pushed to the Edge-What's a Man to do? Revisited

I had to come back to the "What's a man supposed to do?" post. I had an anonymous comment (which I love by the way. I love any comments left on the blog.) in which the person showed their displeasure for my thoughts on men and sex in a marital relationship. I felt a need to re-address this issue not because I was upset, but because I felt somewhat misunderstood. The comment left reads as follows:

"Right...men cheat and it's the women's fault? This is bullshit. Women like sex too, if their husband's aren't getting it, it's because the man isn't doing something right. Women like to feel desired and sexy...maybe a little romance, and some touching without expecting sex, would intrigue a woman a bit more after a long day, of juggling a million things while he watches football and rubs his dick! Get a clue, dude...seriously!"

I want to make one thing clear and for certain: I DON'T BLAME WOMEN FOR MEN CHEATING! No doubt, many men cheat for the hell of it. I know women that give their husbands all they have. They hold back nothing. Not sex, not service, not respect, not adventure...NOTHING. And yet, their husbands cheat. For some that is simply their character and who they are. They married with no intentions of ever being faithful. That is disgusting and tragic. I do not condone such behavior for anyone, man or woman.

Yet, there are those situations in which people are pushed to the edge. As I thought about those struggling in a sexless relationship it brought to memory something my grandmother has said since I was a child. She would always say how much it disgusted her that people steal. She said she would never ever steal, save one circumstance. My grandmother always reserved the right to violate her own values for the sake of her family. My grandmother said she would steal to prevent the "starvation" of her family as a last resort.

I'm using what my grandmother said as a metaphor. Not as an apples for apples comparison. I believe there are men (and women) that are pushed to the edge of their own values by a lack of physical love. You may argue that there is more to love than sex and there is...but if your man or woman needs all that and sex don't hold out because you think you're right. That's not love. Love is the selfless giving to another for their benefit and pleasure. Love is about what you give, not what you get.

I can remember going extremely long periods of time without sex. I felt like I was starving. I used to describe it that way to my male friends. I was hungry for love. Hungry for sex. Hungry for that validation and confidence that comes from receiving love from a woman. I was tempted in a major way. My normal attraction to women seemed to grow to an all out virtual fantasy land of lovemaking with me as the star. I would share my thoughts with my male friends as a way to decompress and hold myself accountable. I was on edge without a doubt. Fear of what I could do had crept into my mind and was on guard to protect myself.

I would argue that most men don't have that type of self-reflection or awareness. It's not that I'm special...I'm just different. With that in mind why on Earth would you want to push your man to that point? Why tempt him? Why starve him? Men need sex. We were built that way. There is a psychological/physical/emotional drive that is at work in our bodies that needs to be addressed. Love your man. Don't do it out of duty, but out of love and passion. If you need a break or want something to change say it. Make it clear. Work with your man so it's enjoyable for you to. No man signed up for a sexless relationship. In the words of Grandmaster Flash, "Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head."

Mogul

A light bulb has come on in my head. I have finally settled on what it is I want to do with the rest of my life. This is something I've been trying to figure out forever and a day. I have a history of switching lanes. While I was in college I changed my major three separate times and ended with a "no major." I can't really say that I've had a career, despite working for the last decade straight, because I've made jumps there as well.

I have come to the conclusion that the most successful people in the world put their head down and run straight ahead as hard and as fast as they can. What I mean by that is that they make up their minds, stay the path, and go for it. On the other hand, I think people that struggle tend to do what I've done....flip flop. Constantly changing course kills any chance for momentum, networking, the ability to build upon your knowledge base. If you flip flop you are always starting over from scratch. It produces frustration and much disappointment.

I'm trying to break that cycle by settling down so to speak and going for mine. I have a multitude of interest. I love writing, radio, speaking, teaching, counseling, mentoring, etc... I have been questioning which way I wanted to take my God given talents and gifts. Should I just focus on writing? Should I return to school to become a teacher? Should I go back to church and seek out a pastorship (that would encompass most of what I love)? Or, should I go for something I've never done on a full time basis before....radio?

Well, I've figured out that I don't have to choose just one. Instead I can pursue them all...though not at the same time. I have decided that I will become a media mogul. I am on a mission to build a media empire that will include books, websites, public speaking, radio broadcast, and maybe...just maybe, television. I'm not seeking to become a mogul out of a desire to achieve fame. I really don't have any use for fame. I'm pursuing this course of action out of a desire to make a difference for the good.

I believe I have been gifted with skills in communication. I want to put that to good use. I want to have an impact on society, here, now, and in the future. There is a serious war going on in our culture for the hearts and minds of the people. The outcome will have an impact on the world as we know and as it shall be. I want to join in on this contest and promote the ideas that are timeless and just. This is no easy task. Yet, I believe following my heart, using my skills, and doing what I am passionate about will have positive outcomes.

I LOVE IT...

I love it......women have this uncanny ability to find fault in men no matter what their actions are. I have had many conversations with women about their own cheating ways and they surprisingly plead innocence. How can this be? If a man cheats the woman finds fault with him. How can this be? Women make a decision that they later regret with knowledge of the issues and claim to be the victim. Again, how can this happen?

It is common place in our society to find men at fault for all things wrong. If the marriage is bad, it's the man. If the money isn't right, it's the man. If sex is bad, it's the man. If a man cheats, it's the man. And, if a woman cheats, it's the man. Pregnancy after sex is the man's fault. Failed relationships, the man's fault. And on and on.

It would seem that man being at fault is a universal truth instilled in women from birth. In some ways it is. I have only come across one woman in my entire life that has done some soul searching and found her part in the difficulties of relationships. She not only understands herself, but the general behavior of men. Most of the women I've encountered are in full blown blame mode when it comes to men.

Please hear me on this, MEN DO A LOT OF WRONG. We are not perfect. We are not blameless. We are not angels. We can behave as dawgs. We can take advantage of people. We can scheme and scam with the best. Yet, we are not wholly to blame. Women are equal opportunity takers. They just get mad when they feel that they didn't get a fair shake. So, they resort to blaming men to clear their conscience and feel better about what they've done.

Truth be told I'm thoroughly disgusted by the lack of responsibility women take in relationships. You could tell a woman that water is wet in a relationship and she would claim ignorance. There is more than enough blame and responsibility to go around in relationships. It's bad on both sides from what I've seen. This isn't to say that both parties are always at fault. There are times when men are at fault. There are times when women are at fault. And, there are times both are at fault.

PEOPLE YOU LIKE

About a month ago I was sitting in the park watching my children play on the various attractions available. The park was full with all types of kids as it was a rare spring like day in November. While I was sitting an older gentleman joined me on the park bench. He was there with his wife and granddaughter. We began to talk about children and life in general. During our conversation he shared something with me that I shall never forget.

We were discussing how we can't control the outcomes of our parenting efforts. Despite our greatest efforts people are free moral agents and will act accordingly. The very thought of raising an uncontrollable child is discouraging as a parent. Yet, it is the trade off with the blessing of life and being entrusted with children. Nevertheless, we press on.

The elderly man shared his conclusion on child rearing with me. He stated that although we can't control their actions or the outcome the overall goal should be to raise our children to be "people we like." It's so simple and yet so profound. It would be a shame to raise a person to be an ass whole or deviant. Right now I like my kids personalities. They're not perfect but they are loving and protective and inclusive for the most part. I like that. I have high hopes, but if they maintain these things I'll be pleased.