DISTANT

I have maintained innocence in the failings of my marital relationship throughout this journey. For the most part I still do. It's not that I'm perfect. I'm not. It's not that I didn't do anything wrong. I did. It's just that I could not draw a one to one cause and response action on my part. I may have uncovered what I've done to bring my marriage to the ground.

It was uncovered last night that I'm emotionally distant. I was informed that a close female friend of mine feels that she has to "compete" for my attention when I'm in her presence. It is because of my emotional distance that she wonders about my sincerity. My wife used to question my sincerity as well. It's an odd thing for me because I don't experience it. I don't see it. I can't hear it. Yet, I accept that I am.

This is an issue of being "present in the moment." Apparently, I'm not. My mind is constantly turning things over and over. It allows me to have incite and at the same time be somewhere else when I'm in the room. I have been thinking that technology may also play a role. Instant messaging, text messaging, and the like allow you to interact with others while doing something else. Perhaps, I don't know how to turn this off.

It could be that my broken heart isn't mended. My wife said I've never been the same since the death of my grandfather. She said I was "different." She couldn't explain it but she knew I had changed. The loss of my wife is another significant emotional blow. I have know doubt I've been hardened by that experience. My "distance" may in fact be a coping mechanism used in an effort not to feel pain by shutting others out.

Whatever it is, I've got to address this. I don't like being distant in any relationship. I'm generally known as an extremely trustworthy person. My distance impacts my ability to connect with others and be trusted. My profession depends on my credibility. My relationships are contingent on my presence. This is a good thing. I have a lead. I hate that I'm this way but at least I know where to go.