I had to come back to the "What's a man supposed to do?" post. I had an anonymous comment (which I love by the way. I love any comments left on the blog.) in which the person showed their displeasure for my thoughts on men and sex in a marital relationship. I felt a need to re-address this issue not because I was upset, but because I felt somewhat misunderstood. The comment left reads as follows:
"Right...men cheat and it's the women's fault? This is bullshit. Women like sex too, if their husband's aren't getting it, it's because the man isn't doing something right. Women like to feel desired and sexy...maybe a little romance, and some touching without expecting sex, would intrigue a woman a bit more after a long day, of juggling a million things while he watches football and rubs his dick! Get a clue, dude...seriously!"
I want to make one thing clear and for certain: I DON'T BLAME WOMEN FOR MEN CHEATING! No doubt, many men cheat for the hell of it. I know women that give their husbands all they have. They hold back nothing. Not sex, not service, not respect, not adventure...NOTHING. And yet, their husbands cheat. For some that is simply their character and who they are. They married with no intentions of ever being faithful. That is disgusting and tragic. I do not condone such behavior for anyone, man or woman.
Yet, there are those situations in which people are pushed to the edge. As I thought about those struggling in a sexless relationship it brought to memory something my grandmother has said since I was a child. She would always say how much it disgusted her that people steal. She said she would never ever steal, save one circumstance. My grandmother always reserved the right to violate her own values for the sake of her family. My grandmother said she would steal to prevent the "starvation" of her family as a last resort.
I'm using what my grandmother said as a metaphor. Not as an apples for apples comparison. I believe there are men (and women) that are pushed to the edge of their own values by a lack of physical love. You may argue that there is more to love than sex and there is...but if your man or woman needs all that and sex don't hold out because you think you're right. That's not love. Love is the selfless giving to another for their benefit and pleasure. Love is about what you give, not what you get.
I can remember going extremely long periods of time without sex. I felt like I was starving. I used to describe it that way to my male friends. I was hungry for love. Hungry for sex. Hungry for that validation and confidence that comes from receiving love from a woman. I was tempted in a major way. My normal attraction to women seemed to grow to an all out virtual fantasy land of lovemaking with me as the star. I would share my thoughts with my male friends as a way to decompress and hold myself accountable. I was on edge without a doubt. Fear of what I could do had crept into my mind and was on guard to protect myself.
I would argue that most men don't have that type of self-reflection or awareness. It's not that I'm special...I'm just different. With that in mind why on Earth would you want to push your man to that point? Why tempt him? Why starve him? Men need sex. We were built that way. There is a psychological/physical/emotional drive that is at work in our bodies that needs to be addressed. Love your man. Don't do it out of duty, but out of love and passion. If you need a break or want something to change say it. Make it clear. Work with your man so it's enjoyable for you to. No man signed up for a sexless relationship. In the words of Grandmaster Flash, "Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head."
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