As I am growing in maturity and learning from my history I'm coming to a place where I am recognizing what matters to me in a mate. As a very young man, physical appearance and features mattered a great deal. As did loyalty. I wanted an educated, strong, black woman. Not so much anymore. I would still enjoy an educated woman. And beauty matters. Especially, beauty within. Character is a major issue (yet I realize that people are but dust and therefore weak). I'm looking with a more precise eye than I did as a 21 year old kid.
One of the main things I'm looking at as I look toward woman is how they approach men in general and specifically in relationships. Namely, I'm looking to see if women have any interest in understanding men. This isn't some type of ego trip, nor a desire to force my way by getting a woman to sucumb to the needs of man. What it's about is the desire to be known, understood, and loved. This matters so much that if I find that a woman constantly pulls issues back to the female perspective without real consideration given to the male perspective it tends to turn me sour on that woman.
This is something I learned from my past relationship. I started to realize that the issue wasn't specific to me as it was more toward issues with manhood. Men are ego driven. Respect is first and foremost. Sex is of high importance and ties strongly into the issue of respect for men. Belief in and support for your man matters. The recognition that men are visual beings and therefore can't stop noticing the beauty of woman no matter how much they love a woman. Providing for his family and loved ones ties into the man's self respect, ego, and confidence and a man will work hard toward this end.
There is much more to men but those are things off the top of my head. Men automatically take interest in women because we have a genuine interest to get to the end of that topic. That's not to say that we master women because we don't. We can't. Women have huge swings in moods, attitudes, hormones, and desires....that's all in one day. Hence, they are forever changing and we have to chase to even stay close. Men don't change a whole lot. So, if a woman studies her man she typically doesn't have to stay up on it because we're pretty static beings. Bonus-WOMEN.
A woman will find that their relationship is much more successful and pleasurable if she takes a genuine interest in how men think, function, emote, and respond. For far too long women have demanded that men bow down and understand them. The belief that keeping the woman happy keeps the relationship strong has failed because there are two people in a relationship. If you are a woman that wants to know more about men I would suggest that you start your study here; www.understandingmen.com. This is a great website. I've heard the creator speak on many occasions and I must say that she knows her stuff.
This could make all the difference in your relationship or the future of your relationship. It matters for me as a suiter to know that a woman at least has a basic understanding of men, and a good understanding of her man in particular. If you care enough to care it shows that you're not all about self. I love women. They are God's grand gift to men. I'm thankful. I would hope that I find a woman that shows that reciprocity toward men as a gift to women.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Lead with Sex, End with Sex
The math is pretty simple in most relationships. Essentially, you start like you want to finish. At the beginning of most relationships people put forth their best showing. They want to impress the person they're with and show what a quality person they are. This is normal and natural, and to be expected. Everybody does it.
There is also a second more important happening at the beginning of relationships, PRECEDENT. This is where the ground work for expectations and relationship functioning takes place. For instance, if you are the first too apologies even when you're not wrong you will likely be the first to apologies for the rest of your relationship. This is true in pretty much all aspects of the relationship. It's not that people can't change, it's just that it's very difficult.
The same is true of sex. If you lead into a relationship with sex is the centerpiece you will have a tough time breaking away from that. This is true if you talk about sex a great deal and then engage in it. Or, if you just engage from day one. I know there will be some folks that claim they had a roll in the hay on the first night and now they're 5 years down the road. At the same time, I know of many many more that can report that they had sex early on and never could move deeper than the skins.
This is very important for people to recognize. For guys, it's important because if you see more than sex in the woman you're with you want to slow down and fall back so as not to destroy the development of other intimacies and a good foundation. I remember in college I slept with a woman and that had all types of reprocutions I wasn't desirous of. I told the woman I believed I had a genuine interest in her but was afraid that starting off on a sexual focus would prove destructive. I asked if we could slow down and develop the relationship more. I never got the chance. She was so pissed she didn't talk to me again.
For women this could save you a great deal of heart brake and disappointment. If you lead with sex men tend to make a number of assumptions. One of which being, "I'm not that special. She probably gives it up to a lot guys on the first night." Fair, no. True, yes. If that's the case then the likelihood of a long-term relationship is low. Plus, when women engage in sex they tend to do so with their heart not with their body. That means that a woman really does have a genuine interest in the man and has some level of attachment. That is a clear path to a broken heart.
Go slow. If the person wants more than just sex they will wait it out and really get to know you. They will enjoy your presence and company. Certainly, they'll want to engage physically but it won't be the end all be all. If the person is only out for sex they won't be patient. They aren't in it for the long haul or the hope of relationship. Save yourself the headache, the heart brake, and the pain. Lead with sex, end with sex. Lead with depth, end with depth.
There is also a second more important happening at the beginning of relationships, PRECEDENT. This is where the ground work for expectations and relationship functioning takes place. For instance, if you are the first too apologies even when you're not wrong you will likely be the first to apologies for the rest of your relationship. This is true in pretty much all aspects of the relationship. It's not that people can't change, it's just that it's very difficult.
The same is true of sex. If you lead into a relationship with sex is the centerpiece you will have a tough time breaking away from that. This is true if you talk about sex a great deal and then engage in it. Or, if you just engage from day one. I know there will be some folks that claim they had a roll in the hay on the first night and now they're 5 years down the road. At the same time, I know of many many more that can report that they had sex early on and never could move deeper than the skins.
This is very important for people to recognize. For guys, it's important because if you see more than sex in the woman you're with you want to slow down and fall back so as not to destroy the development of other intimacies and a good foundation. I remember in college I slept with a woman and that had all types of reprocutions I wasn't desirous of. I told the woman I believed I had a genuine interest in her but was afraid that starting off on a sexual focus would prove destructive. I asked if we could slow down and develop the relationship more. I never got the chance. She was so pissed she didn't talk to me again.
For women this could save you a great deal of heart brake and disappointment. If you lead with sex men tend to make a number of assumptions. One of which being, "I'm not that special. She probably gives it up to a lot guys on the first night." Fair, no. True, yes. If that's the case then the likelihood of a long-term relationship is low. Plus, when women engage in sex they tend to do so with their heart not with their body. That means that a woman really does have a genuine interest in the man and has some level of attachment. That is a clear path to a broken heart.
Go slow. If the person wants more than just sex they will wait it out and really get to know you. They will enjoy your presence and company. Certainly, they'll want to engage physically but it won't be the end all be all. If the person is only out for sex they won't be patient. They aren't in it for the long haul or the hope of relationship. Save yourself the headache, the heart brake, and the pain. Lead with sex, end with sex. Lead with depth, end with depth.
The Myth of the Weak Man
A response to my previous post serves as cause for this post. My questioning of culture as oppose to color as a reason why some date cross culturally was met with the stereotypical, "Weak Black Man" response. I couldn't help myself but to respond to such an allegation. Hard as I may have tried...
A man, certainly not a black man, is not weak because he embraces and finds love in other cultures. In many ways it shows a great deal of strength and character. It is well known the critical eye that falls upon those in bi-racial relationships. Things have improved from just a decade ago. Yet, all hassles of cross cultural dating have not come to an end. This is evidenced by the "weak black man" statement alone.
A black man that dates cross culturally has to deal with the sneers of his female counterparts as well as the family/community of the one he is dating. If a man is weak for choosing the very questioning of his manhood over the comfort of affirmation for the sake of love, then he is either a glutton for punishment or courageous. Plus, not to mention the possible ridicule of his own family.
Please allow me to ask these questions, "Why do black women require such incredibly strong men?" "Are men of other races weak when they date outside of their race?" "Are men that are not black but date black women of greater metal than the average man?" "Why are black women such a special class of woman that they repel weakness and supposedly attract strength?"
Please let me reiterate my point, ITS NOT ABOUT COLOR, ITS ABOUT CULTURE! MEN DO NOT WANT COMPETITION, THEY WANT A WIFE! There is a time for women to be strong. I would submit that those times are for moments outside of the home. This is not to say that a woman should be a doormat at home. Moreso, to say that women should allow a man to care for them and provide. At best they should be a team. The two should compliment each other by filling in the weak spots and adding to the strengths. There is no room for competition in a relationship.
If a black man has to be weak to be satisfied I say go for it. If a black man has to be miserable to be strong...TO HELL WITH IT! It's really sad. My experience with those that sit in judgement on a black man dating someone outside of their race has been that the critical person has no personal interest in the man she is demanding stay faithful to his color. In such cases I ask, "So the man should stay single to please you?" Absurd!
I can tell you that what is weak is the inability to be self-reflective. The refusal to look inward and ask yourself, "Is it me?" It's weak when you won't ask yourself, "Would I want to be with me?" Think about that. Would you want to live with yourself? Are you fun? Do you bring joy? To you add to others? If you are a person that others desire then you will be desirable across the board. If you're not, then you will be limited to guilting black men into dating you for the privilege of being called strong.
A man, certainly not a black man, is not weak because he embraces and finds love in other cultures. In many ways it shows a great deal of strength and character. It is well known the critical eye that falls upon those in bi-racial relationships. Things have improved from just a decade ago. Yet, all hassles of cross cultural dating have not come to an end. This is evidenced by the "weak black man" statement alone.
A black man that dates cross culturally has to deal with the sneers of his female counterparts as well as the family/community of the one he is dating. If a man is weak for choosing the very questioning of his manhood over the comfort of affirmation for the sake of love, then he is either a glutton for punishment or courageous. Plus, not to mention the possible ridicule of his own family.
Please allow me to ask these questions, "Why do black women require such incredibly strong men?" "Are men of other races weak when they date outside of their race?" "Are men that are not black but date black women of greater metal than the average man?" "Why are black women such a special class of woman that they repel weakness and supposedly attract strength?"
Please let me reiterate my point, ITS NOT ABOUT COLOR, ITS ABOUT CULTURE! MEN DO NOT WANT COMPETITION, THEY WANT A WIFE! There is a time for women to be strong. I would submit that those times are for moments outside of the home. This is not to say that a woman should be a doormat at home. Moreso, to say that women should allow a man to care for them and provide. At best they should be a team. The two should compliment each other by filling in the weak spots and adding to the strengths. There is no room for competition in a relationship.
If a black man has to be weak to be satisfied I say go for it. If a black man has to be miserable to be strong...TO HELL WITH IT! It's really sad. My experience with those that sit in judgement on a black man dating someone outside of their race has been that the critical person has no personal interest in the man she is demanding stay faithful to his color. In such cases I ask, "So the man should stay single to please you?" Absurd!
I can tell you that what is weak is the inability to be self-reflective. The refusal to look inward and ask yourself, "Is it me?" It's weak when you won't ask yourself, "Would I want to be with me?" Think about that. Would you want to live with yourself? Are you fun? Do you bring joy? To you add to others? If you are a person that others desire then you will be desirable across the board. If you're not, then you will be limited to guilting black men into dating you for the privilege of being called strong.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Loss Leader
The term "loss leader" is used widely in the world of retail. It's a major marketing tool used to get people into the store. A "loss leader" is an item that is put on sale at an enourmously reduced price below retail typically at a loss to the retailer. This is what you see when you see buy one get one free or an item being sold for pennies on the dollar.
The retailer is willing to accept the loss of the item in exchange for getting you into the store to purchase other more profitable items. This is a bad move if all you buy is the "loss leader" item. In such cases, the company takes an "L" and makes no profit. Of course, that's the short term view. Maybe the retailer takes a loss for the moment but gains a repeat customer with their excellent service or the hope of another great deal. The loss is worth the gain.
I relate a "loss leader" to life and relationships. In life, you have to be willing to take a loss on time, effort, or pay for a greater gain later. This was a lesson I learned the hard way. While working in management I was stiffed on an earned and owed raise. The difference in back pay was about $300. I fought the very man responsible for promoting me. Big mistake. As years went on I couldn't get a promotion for the life of me. I lost tens of thousands of dollars if not $100K because of that short sighted move. My numbers are not exagerated when you take into acount base pay and bonuses.
The same may be true in relationships. People should examine what they are willing to trade for the bigger picture of love and companionship. Are you willing to tone down your take no mess attitude as a woman? Are you willing to lower those Victoria Secret model expectations as a man? Are you willing to love the man or woman in front of you instead of looking for perfection (something you'll never find)? Are you willing to put yourself aside for the person you claim to love?
I'm not saying that you become a door mat and let people use you. I am saying that there has to be some give in relationships. People want it all. That's not reality. The basic principle of economics dictate that resources comitted to one place can not be comitted to another. If I spend money on shoes, I can't spend that same money on food. It's gone. We are not God. We have limitations. Choices must be made. I'm making a choice to give up what I have so I can gain what I don't....love.
The retailer is willing to accept the loss of the item in exchange for getting you into the store to purchase other more profitable items. This is a bad move if all you buy is the "loss leader" item. In such cases, the company takes an "L" and makes no profit. Of course, that's the short term view. Maybe the retailer takes a loss for the moment but gains a repeat customer with their excellent service or the hope of another great deal. The loss is worth the gain.
I relate a "loss leader" to life and relationships. In life, you have to be willing to take a loss on time, effort, or pay for a greater gain later. This was a lesson I learned the hard way. While working in management I was stiffed on an earned and owed raise. The difference in back pay was about $300. I fought the very man responsible for promoting me. Big mistake. As years went on I couldn't get a promotion for the life of me. I lost tens of thousands of dollars if not $100K because of that short sighted move. My numbers are not exagerated when you take into acount base pay and bonuses.
The same may be true in relationships. People should examine what they are willing to trade for the bigger picture of love and companionship. Are you willing to tone down your take no mess attitude as a woman? Are you willing to lower those Victoria Secret model expectations as a man? Are you willing to love the man or woman in front of you instead of looking for perfection (something you'll never find)? Are you willing to put yourself aside for the person you claim to love?
I'm not saying that you become a door mat and let people use you. I am saying that there has to be some give in relationships. People want it all. That's not reality. The basic principle of economics dictate that resources comitted to one place can not be comitted to another. If I spend money on shoes, I can't spend that same money on food. It's gone. We are not God. We have limitations. Choices must be made. I'm making a choice to give up what I have so I can gain what I don't....love.
No Shame
I notice that there are times when I am attracted to a woman and feel a shamd if that attraction is not reciprocated. I don't know why I feel this way but I do. I tend to hold that I am normal and so I imagine that others feel weird as well when they are not recieved well after expressing their interest. I don't think feeling this way is right.
I'm not making a comment on morality. I'm making a comment on general thoughts and feelings that result from rejection. Why should a person feel bad because they are attracted to an individual? You feel what you feel. That's real. I've recently had such an encounter and I almost felt bad because I expressed my heart and was met with a meandering replay of "maybe"...or "no," or something (I may talk about that later).
There I was embarrassed I ever opened my mouth and said anything about what I was feeling inside. I was thinking, "How stupid could you be?" "You let your heart lead you to believe you had a chance!" But why would I feel that way? I'm attracted to this individual. I wanted to engage them in a relationship. I said my piece and let the chips fall where they fell. I don't see where I did something wrong.
Maybe I don't see where I did something wrong because I didn't do anything wrong. I was honest. I was respectful. I was bold. I got rejected. That's life. Nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to feel bad about. In reality, as I reframe this, I feel that I should be proud of myself. I overcame my fears of rejection and laid it on the table. It wasn't presentation. It wasn't the product. I believe it was a matter of preference that resulted in my rejection. I can live with that. I can live with that rather easily.
I was seeking to know the person of interest better. I wanted to know them beyond the surface of what I saw on a daily basis. What I knew of I liked and wanted to know more. I had not pledged my heart to them. This was not a marriage proposal. This was not a request for lifetime commitment. It was simply a request for a date. I can't live life living and dying on every yes and every no. I don't advise that you live your life that way either. I recommend that you look at things as they are. Don't underestimate them. Don't catastrophize them. Don't feel shame. Live, love, risk, try, recover, and start over.
I'm not making a comment on morality. I'm making a comment on general thoughts and feelings that result from rejection. Why should a person feel bad because they are attracted to an individual? You feel what you feel. That's real. I've recently had such an encounter and I almost felt bad because I expressed my heart and was met with a meandering replay of "maybe"...or "no," or something (I may talk about that later).
There I was embarrassed I ever opened my mouth and said anything about what I was feeling inside. I was thinking, "How stupid could you be?" "You let your heart lead you to believe you had a chance!" But why would I feel that way? I'm attracted to this individual. I wanted to engage them in a relationship. I said my piece and let the chips fall where they fell. I don't see where I did something wrong.
Maybe I don't see where I did something wrong because I didn't do anything wrong. I was honest. I was respectful. I was bold. I got rejected. That's life. Nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to feel bad about. In reality, as I reframe this, I feel that I should be proud of myself. I overcame my fears of rejection and laid it on the table. It wasn't presentation. It wasn't the product. I believe it was a matter of preference that resulted in my rejection. I can live with that. I can live with that rather easily.
I was seeking to know the person of interest better. I wanted to know them beyond the surface of what I saw on a daily basis. What I knew of I liked and wanted to know more. I had not pledged my heart to them. This was not a marriage proposal. This was not a request for lifetime commitment. It was simply a request for a date. I can't live life living and dying on every yes and every no. I don't advise that you live your life that way either. I recommend that you look at things as they are. Don't underestimate them. Don't catastrophize them. Don't feel shame. Live, love, risk, try, recover, and start over.
SEX CAN BE BORING
I never once thought I'd say these words but, "SEX CAN BE BORING." This isn't to say that sex isn't always pleasurable. As long as it ends right that's a given. Yet, despite the pleasure it's not always exciting. Once you get past the pure surface pleasure of it all there is an issue of real intimacy.
I've found that sex is incredibly boring if you lack true connection. It's a physical activity akin to exercise with an explosive ending. I've found that I need to feel a deep commitment to the person in order to have a full experience. This is absent of skill, exploration, or other things. It feels empty without the binding of the hearts.
I've found that I need passion and desire that goes far beyond the physical. I always have passion and desire for sex. I'm a man. It comes with the package. What is not always present is the passion and desire for the person that one may be engaged with. In such situations I feel guilty...selfish even. Sex is designed to bring people closer together. It is the climax (no pun intended) of emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and relational intimacy. It's the cherry on top. That's missing when it's just sex.
I may have taken such things for granted in the past. I was passionate. I thought I was connected. Since I'm a man and wasn't focusing on it I'm sure I wasn't. These things are needed for a satisfying sex life. Sex is needed for a satisfying romantic relationship. They feed and build one on top of another. Sex is not what I'm after. I'm after love. I'm after intimacy. I'm after connection.
I've found that sex is incredibly boring if you lack true connection. It's a physical activity akin to exercise with an explosive ending. I've found that I need to feel a deep commitment to the person in order to have a full experience. This is absent of skill, exploration, or other things. It feels empty without the binding of the hearts.
I've found that I need passion and desire that goes far beyond the physical. I always have passion and desire for sex. I'm a man. It comes with the package. What is not always present is the passion and desire for the person that one may be engaged with. In such situations I feel guilty...selfish even. Sex is designed to bring people closer together. It is the climax (no pun intended) of emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and relational intimacy. It's the cherry on top. That's missing when it's just sex.
I may have taken such things for granted in the past. I was passionate. I thought I was connected. Since I'm a man and wasn't focusing on it I'm sure I wasn't. These things are needed for a satisfying sex life. Sex is needed for a satisfying romantic relationship. They feed and build one on top of another. Sex is not what I'm after. I'm after love. I'm after intimacy. I'm after connection.
Free Market Dating
I'm a big fan of the free market system of our nation. I think competition is good. It benefits consumers. It drives innovation. It has lifted our standard of living to the highest in the world. A free market system requires that you equal or better your competitor. It drives our productive spirit to its greatest heights. With such a great system, why not take the same approach to dating?
As of late, I've been thinking a great deal about cross-cultural dating. One reason is because a woman of a different ethnicity has cought my eye and my interest. This has brought something I had not given much consideration to into the forefront of my mind, RACE. As I've been thinking about race I've looked beyond simply skin color. That would be shallow and racist. I've begun to examine the cultural differences in women in accordance with their race.
This has brought me to a new conclusion, preference in skin color likely has more to do with character, values, and mode of relational engagement. I have some anectdotal observations that I've made. 1) Black women seem to have a sense of entitlement to a relationship. Even more, to a "GOOD BLACK MAN." 2) Black women have unrealistic expectations and desires ( See GAME OVER). 3) The entitlement attitude leads to inflexibility. They won't make any changes in behavior because they don't think they should have to. 4) Image matters way too much. What it looks like overides what it is. 5) Black women are trying to obtain a man and maintain a competive attitude towards the very man she wants. This is destructive because men do not want to compete with their significant others.
On the other side I see these things; 1) No issue with submission to the man they love. 2) A disregard for image and a radical acceptance of substance (the person). I've seen this up close and personal as one man was told by his girlfriend of a different ethnicity, "I don't care if you have money. I love you and just want to spend time with you." This was echoed with offers of financial support. Don't see that much in the Black Community. 3) An acceptance of the traditional roles of men and women. 4) No game mentallity. If a woman is interested she makes that plain. You don't have to chase and wonder. 5) A "no entitlement" attitude towards men in general.
I'm sure my observations above have seriously pissed some of you off. That's ok. I hope it pisses you off enough to examine yourself. Given the choice between the two groupings above I doubt that most men would choose the former over the latter. This isn't to say that a woman must lay down her rights. What I am saying is that these are not desirable attributes to men. I used to think I wanted a "strong black woman." I don't. I don't want a "strong black woman, a strong white woman, or a strong woman of any ilk" that operates in what is thought to be strength in todays culture.
Let me get back to the issue, "FREE MARKET DATING." What I mean by this phrase is that my heart, my love, my time, my devotion will go to the best female provider. This is like buying an item. I research the cost, the options, the brands, the features. Then I make my decision to purchase. I do this with excitement. I cast my vote of approval with my dollars. I show my continued satisfaction with repeat business.
Take for instance the I-Phone. This was and is a revelutionary product. It swept the market to the point that people line up overnight in the cold to get one everytime a new model comes out. It's owners are dedicated. They are pleased and have no problem preaching the Gospel of Apple. The rest of the market didn't get mad, refuse to make changes, and demand to be purchased as is (Black woman). Instead, they reexamined their products. They took the Apple model and created touch screens, apps, and more. In the end they came out with the Droid, the I-Phones greatest rivals (what should be happening).
This is what people should be doing on all sides be it man, woman, black, white, or other. If you are not pleased with the quality of man or woman you are attracting or not atrracting you should look at the product (yourself) and make changes as needed. If you want that subjective ten (man or woman) then you need to look at the person attracting those tens and do likewise. As the saying goes, "Do what I do and have what I have."
Even Apple had to make adjustments. I remember as a child my uncle told me Apple had the best software among computers but it wasn't user friendly. That was nearly 20 years ago. Apparently, Apple got the message and made changes as needed. Now they have the best user friendly products on the market. This may be you. You may have the best heart, the best love, the best companionship in the world...but you may not be "user friendly." Make the changes needed to attract those buyers that are willing to pay the price for your superior products.
No one is deserving or entitled to love. My love has to be earned. Your love has to be earned. We need to value each other. You value others when you provide what they need because you care for them, because you love them. This is the free market of relationships. We do not live in a socialist dating pool. We live in a free market. This market is not equal. It is fair. You set the market value of your love. You set the value for what you will pay for the love of others. It's about values. Build a better mouse trap (person).....
As of late, I've been thinking a great deal about cross-cultural dating. One reason is because a woman of a different ethnicity has cought my eye and my interest. This has brought something I had not given much consideration to into the forefront of my mind, RACE. As I've been thinking about race I've looked beyond simply skin color. That would be shallow and racist. I've begun to examine the cultural differences in women in accordance with their race.
This has brought me to a new conclusion, preference in skin color likely has more to do with character, values, and mode of relational engagement. I have some anectdotal observations that I've made. 1) Black women seem to have a sense of entitlement to a relationship. Even more, to a "GOOD BLACK MAN." 2) Black women have unrealistic expectations and desires ( See GAME OVER). 3) The entitlement attitude leads to inflexibility. They won't make any changes in behavior because they don't think they should have to. 4) Image matters way too much. What it looks like overides what it is. 5) Black women are trying to obtain a man and maintain a competive attitude towards the very man she wants. This is destructive because men do not want to compete with their significant others.
On the other side I see these things; 1) No issue with submission to the man they love. 2) A disregard for image and a radical acceptance of substance (the person). I've seen this up close and personal as one man was told by his girlfriend of a different ethnicity, "I don't care if you have money. I love you and just want to spend time with you." This was echoed with offers of financial support. Don't see that much in the Black Community. 3) An acceptance of the traditional roles of men and women. 4) No game mentallity. If a woman is interested she makes that plain. You don't have to chase and wonder. 5) A "no entitlement" attitude towards men in general.
I'm sure my observations above have seriously pissed some of you off. That's ok. I hope it pisses you off enough to examine yourself. Given the choice between the two groupings above I doubt that most men would choose the former over the latter. This isn't to say that a woman must lay down her rights. What I am saying is that these are not desirable attributes to men. I used to think I wanted a "strong black woman." I don't. I don't want a "strong black woman, a strong white woman, or a strong woman of any ilk" that operates in what is thought to be strength in todays culture.
Let me get back to the issue, "FREE MARKET DATING." What I mean by this phrase is that my heart, my love, my time, my devotion will go to the best female provider. This is like buying an item. I research the cost, the options, the brands, the features. Then I make my decision to purchase. I do this with excitement. I cast my vote of approval with my dollars. I show my continued satisfaction with repeat business.
Take for instance the I-Phone. This was and is a revelutionary product. It swept the market to the point that people line up overnight in the cold to get one everytime a new model comes out. It's owners are dedicated. They are pleased and have no problem preaching the Gospel of Apple. The rest of the market didn't get mad, refuse to make changes, and demand to be purchased as is (Black woman). Instead, they reexamined their products. They took the Apple model and created touch screens, apps, and more. In the end they came out with the Droid, the I-Phones greatest rivals (what should be happening).
This is what people should be doing on all sides be it man, woman, black, white, or other. If you are not pleased with the quality of man or woman you are attracting or not atrracting you should look at the product (yourself) and make changes as needed. If you want that subjective ten (man or woman) then you need to look at the person attracting those tens and do likewise. As the saying goes, "Do what I do and have what I have."
Even Apple had to make adjustments. I remember as a child my uncle told me Apple had the best software among computers but it wasn't user friendly. That was nearly 20 years ago. Apparently, Apple got the message and made changes as needed. Now they have the best user friendly products on the market. This may be you. You may have the best heart, the best love, the best companionship in the world...but you may not be "user friendly." Make the changes needed to attract those buyers that are willing to pay the price for your superior products.
No one is deserving or entitled to love. My love has to be earned. Your love has to be earned. We need to value each other. You value others when you provide what they need because you care for them, because you love them. This is the free market of relationships. We do not live in a socialist dating pool. We live in a free market. This market is not equal. It is fair. You set the market value of your love. You set the value for what you will pay for the love of others. It's about values. Build a better mouse trap (person).....
Resurrection Power
On this Easter Sunday I look back over the past year and I am thankful for God's grace. One year ago my marriage came to a screeching halt. I could not sleep. I could not rest. I could not find peace. Not even the assistance of drugs could provide a good nights sleep. One thing did happen to provide significant dependable assistance in finding rest, ALCOHOL. Not exactly the drink of champions.
I had counted my life as worthless. Having counted my life as worthless I had serious thoughts to kill myself. I was homicidal, suicidal, and hopeless. I had drugs, alcohol, and no one to stop me. I even looked to get a hold of a firearm for purposes of vengeance. One night while laying in the bed I could focus on nothing but ending it all. I was so close it scares me.
At that time I couldn't see past the moment. There was nothing in life at that time worth suffering through. There was nothing in my mind that could have held me here. Today could very well be the anniversary of my death. My children would have suffered. My family would have suffered. My friends would have suffered. And although I thought I was escaping suffering I would likely have suffered from taking the reigns of life from God.
It was by God's grace and mercy that I did not execute my plan. I'd like to tell you that things immediately improved but that's not reality. Truth is, I continued to struggle. I struggled financially, emotionally, spiritually, vocationally, and in any number of other ways. I nearly lost my home. I was investigated by my employer at the request of my supervisor. I am currently facing possible layoffs from work. The bank made a mistake that almost cost me a thousand dollars or more and on and on...struggles have abounded. Yet, I'm happy to be alive.
I'm happy to be alive because I have my children, my pride and joy! I'm happy to be alive because God aloud me to play a part in helping my best friend realize his dream! I'm happy because I have come to a new understanding of my faith and what it truly means to be Christian. I'm happy because I am alive, I have hope, I have a future, and God is not finished with me yet.
I know what it feels like to face your deepest fears. I know what it feels like to believe that there is nothing left to fight for, no reason to live. I know what it feels like to be alone with your darkest thoughts. I have been to the edge of reason and logic. I have been to the ends of myself. I now know a foretaste of what Resurrection will be like. My life was over. I was dead. Now I am alive. Thank you Jesus!
I had counted my life as worthless. Having counted my life as worthless I had serious thoughts to kill myself. I was homicidal, suicidal, and hopeless. I had drugs, alcohol, and no one to stop me. I even looked to get a hold of a firearm for purposes of vengeance. One night while laying in the bed I could focus on nothing but ending it all. I was so close it scares me.
At that time I couldn't see past the moment. There was nothing in life at that time worth suffering through. There was nothing in my mind that could have held me here. Today could very well be the anniversary of my death. My children would have suffered. My family would have suffered. My friends would have suffered. And although I thought I was escaping suffering I would likely have suffered from taking the reigns of life from God.
It was by God's grace and mercy that I did not execute my plan. I'd like to tell you that things immediately improved but that's not reality. Truth is, I continued to struggle. I struggled financially, emotionally, spiritually, vocationally, and in any number of other ways. I nearly lost my home. I was investigated by my employer at the request of my supervisor. I am currently facing possible layoffs from work. The bank made a mistake that almost cost me a thousand dollars or more and on and on...struggles have abounded. Yet, I'm happy to be alive.
I'm happy to be alive because I have my children, my pride and joy! I'm happy to be alive because God aloud me to play a part in helping my best friend realize his dream! I'm happy because I have come to a new understanding of my faith and what it truly means to be Christian. I'm happy because I am alive, I have hope, I have a future, and God is not finished with me yet.
I know what it feels like to face your deepest fears. I know what it feels like to believe that there is nothing left to fight for, no reason to live. I know what it feels like to be alone with your darkest thoughts. I have been to the edge of reason and logic. I have been to the ends of myself. I now know a foretaste of what Resurrection will be like. My life was over. I was dead. Now I am alive. Thank you Jesus!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Saving History
While cleaning my office I came across a note I left for my wife after an argument we had. It was an apology letter. I don't know what the argument was about or what the situation was. I share this with you because I want to save this digitally as I am throwing away the original. Here is a look into my heart:
Dear______
I know that what I am about to say will not fix everything and make it all better. We have some very serious issues to deal with in our marriage and I don't want to minimize that. I did want to tell you what I want. I want to spend time with you in a way that makes you want to spend time with me. I want to be your favorite person in the world, above all others. I want our marriage, friendship, and passion to grow. I want these things to come not only from a sense of commitment, but from a passionate, loving, relationship. I don't want to bore you with my over analyzing and boring topics (boring to you). I want things to be fun again. I want you to be free again to talk to me about every and anything. I love you and I love our kids. I am committed to doing whatever it takes to make our marriage work. Please, be patient with me? Please, work with me? Please, forgive me? I love you and I always will (even when I don't act like it).
Sincerely and with all my heart,
________
Dear______
I know that what I am about to say will not fix everything and make it all better. We have some very serious issues to deal with in our marriage and I don't want to minimize that. I did want to tell you what I want. I want to spend time with you in a way that makes you want to spend time with me. I want to be your favorite person in the world, above all others. I want our marriage, friendship, and passion to grow. I want these things to come not only from a sense of commitment, but from a passionate, loving, relationship. I don't want to bore you with my over analyzing and boring topics (boring to you). I want things to be fun again. I want you to be free again to talk to me about every and anything. I love you and I love our kids. I am committed to doing whatever it takes to make our marriage work. Please, be patient with me? Please, work with me? Please, forgive me? I love you and I always will (even when I don't act like it).
Sincerely and with all my heart,
________
Sunday, April 10, 2011
UP, DOWN AND OUT
A few weeks ago I had my first casino experience. It was a thrilling three hours. I was up. I was down. I was up again, down again, and finally out. It was probably the funnest $20 I've spent. There was the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and finally the reality that I didn't want to lose anymore money. Pumped with adrenaline I had a flash of confidence. With that confidence I did something I almost never do. I asked someone out that violates some of my rules for dating.
My invitation for a night out was much like my casino experience. I was up, down, and I might be out. The person I asked out seemed as shocked about my request as I was about my burst of boldness. At first I was going to lie and claim that it was simply an April's fools joke. That was the back up plan for rejection. Yet, being the way I am I told them the truth and my back up plan. They got a good laugh out of it as I knew they would.
The problem is, I'm not sure where things stand. I was given reasons why they would go out with me. Reasons why they wouldn't. All that included the offer of there phone number and conversation. Yet, no number has come. Seeking to take the pressure off, I offered my phone number. It has yet to be used. I figured that since I didn't get the digits, the number, or a simple text message that I had crashed and burned. GAME OVER! However, I can't seem to close the door on my hopes for success.
This person has maintained contact with me and jokes quite regularly. This has left me confused as can be. As I've said before, I'm horrible at reading people when I'm engaged in it up close and personal. On one hand I would think that if you weren't interested you would avoid me like the plague. On the other hand, I'm thinking they may be interested because they continue to engage. So much like my casino experience I have an opportunity to cash in my chips and check out. Much like the casino experience I'm going to hang around till I'm spent.
What might be even more crazy is that I don't have a strong desire to engage in physical contact. I really just want to spend time with the person. I'm not sure what that's about. Emotional interest is normally accompanied by physical attraction and a strong desire to "GET IT ON!" I am attracted to this woman. I think she has a classic beauty. At the same time, sex is so far away from my mind. I think that's a good thing. I'll let you know how it all turns out. For right now I'm going to stay my hand.
IT WAS SPRING WHEN KINGS GO OFF TO WAR
My good friend has often warned me of the dangers of spring. He recites the line, "It was spring when Kings go off to war." That line is from the story of David and Bathsheba. Theirs is a story of passion, betrayal, deceit, scandal, and murder. My friend uses this story to illustrate the stirring of passion and emotion that comes with the new spring season. I often laugh and shrug it off. I can laugh no longer, for Spring is upon us and I'm feeling stirred.
I'm not in the mood for sex. Sex is available. It's not just the desire for female company. That too is available and on occasion I take advantage of those that would share their company with me. Despite the availability of companionship and intercourse, I feel that something is missing. I'm not finding the connection of the two in one. At the same time I'm stirred and find myself looking at women like a piece of meat dangled in front of a lion in captivity.
I've been trying to lay low and keep things under wraps. I go out from time to time. I enjoy myself. But I'm not on a mission to "score" as I was before. Instead I'm just trying to enjoy the scenery. Yet, my heart wants something more. I suppose I should be at war. Instead I'm held up in the castle looking for a bathing beauty. I'm hopeful this story doesn't end with deceit, murder, scandal, and the like. But if it does, I hope it all works out for the better.
I'm not in the mood for sex. Sex is available. It's not just the desire for female company. That too is available and on occasion I take advantage of those that would share their company with me. Despite the availability of companionship and intercourse, I feel that something is missing. I'm not finding the connection of the two in one. At the same time I'm stirred and find myself looking at women like a piece of meat dangled in front of a lion in captivity.
I've been trying to lay low and keep things under wraps. I go out from time to time. I enjoy myself. But I'm not on a mission to "score" as I was before. Instead I'm just trying to enjoy the scenery. Yet, my heart wants something more. I suppose I should be at war. Instead I'm held up in the castle looking for a bathing beauty. I'm hopeful this story doesn't end with deceit, murder, scandal, and the like. But if it does, I hope it all works out for the better.
CAPTURED
While wondering through a local Wal-Mart I felt the need to purchase some new reading material. I've been reading black love/drama novels for the better part of the past of the past year. In the past I've found such things to be a waste of time and offer little to the human experience. I was a literature snob. I've come to find that I was incorrect in my quick blow off of such works. I've found them to be quite insightful on the human experience. They capture thoughts, motives, emotions, values, and even dreams of many. Despite my enjoyment of such material, I felt the need to return to more meaningful material.
With that in mind, I decided to pick up A million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. I didn't have to go far to be deeply impacted by the book. Contained in the author's note at the beginning of the book is a story about a man that dreams of owning a Volvo. He works his whole life to get this car and finally he does. That's the story. That's it, nothing more. Miller ask if that would make people cry? Of course, that story doesn't make people cry. It's a life without significance. A life of no consequence. Who gives a damn if you bought a Volvo or not? If anything, I would cry out because of the sorrow brought out by the sadness of the story.
It didn't stop there. In the first chapter Miller opens with this, "THE SADDEST THING about life is you don't remember half of it. You don't even remember half of half of it." At this point I was captured. I started to think, "This is my life." I have a tough time remember much of my past. I would gather because so much of it has been insignificant. I suppose I've lost my drive. At one point I had a sense of purpose and meaning. I knew what type of life I wanted. I knew the impact I wanted to have on the world. Somewhere in the midst of the struggle I lost myself.
Mine was not a quest for money or fame. It was a quest for significance in the lives of those around me and beyond for good. I want to return to such a focus. I want to impact people in such a way that it impacts others in there lives. I don't want to add, I want to multiply in an exponential way...goodness. I've got thoughts and ideas on how to do this. I've just got to put hand to plow and get on with it. I've got to do something. The meaningless of life lived for such frivolous things has captured me. I must break free.
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