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Yesterday I thought I was coming up on my 35th birthday this year. I was sadly disappointed in where my life is, and where it looks like it's going-NOWHERE! To make things worse, I started to contemplate what life would look like at 40 and how I have so miserably failed in my pursuit of my hopes and dreams.

The good news is that I'm only approaching my 34th birthday. Not like a year is much of a difference but it feels like a life time. 35 just seems so over the hill toward 40. It feels like so much of my life is behind me. I don't have a sense of hope and vision for my future. I don't see brighter days ahead. In my early to mid, and even late 20's I had hope. No matter what my circumstances I was hopeful that life was going to take a turn for the better where I would be firmly established and on my way to planning for my children. Instead, I'm trying to stay afloat and once again I'm starting all over.

I thought that I would be an attorney, a pastor, or a writer and speaker (professionally) by now. I thought that I would be financially stable, meeting all of my responsibilities. I thought I'd be in a good position to help out family, friends, and those in need. I thought I would be in a position to mentor others on how to make it, on how to thrive, on how to overcome. Instead, my life has been one disaster followed by another disaster, complete with compliments along the way of how talented I am (and in my mind, talented at destroying my life).

34 must be a year of turning. It must be a time when I make some progress toward stability. It must be a watershed year. 34 years of life and there is little beyond debt, pain, and regret. There is no evidence of a great, deep, and powerful faith. There is no evidence of a blossoming love life shaped and formed by years of commitment, trial, and triumph. There is no evidence of high learning beyond a piece of paper that sits somewhere in my makeshift home office. My head is full, my heart and bank account is empty. 34 has to be a year of something new, something grand, something worthy of a life lived.

Of course, there is a strong possibility that 34 will be equally painful if not more so than 33 was. New beginnings become old. Love affairs become heartbreak. Financial increase becomes financial stress. Loved ones become deceased ones. Opportunities become disappointment. Faith turns to frustration. And, career turns to job. This has been the pattern of my life. Brief ups, long downs. No matter what actions I take 33 looks like 34, looks like 35, looks like 40. A stagnant existence of better wishes and brighter days. Something I sought to avoid all my life. Worst fears come true....34