Yesterday at work I ran my weekly morning group for the unit. People seem to enjoy the way I run the group session. In fact, one of the staff members purposely comes to my unit just to hear me speak (I know because she told me so). When the group is over she immediately leaves the unit. That's a compliment in and of itself. Yesterday I was told something that in many ways blessed and embarrassed me.
One of my co-workers pulled me aside after the group session and told me that I was the "Black Oprah." She said that I was flawless in my presentation and that I held the attention of the group the entire time, something that's hard to do since they're psychotic and come to this type of meeting daily. My co-worker said she could tell I enjoyed it and went so far as to say they should make me in charge of my own department.
I'm flattered beyond belief to say the least. That's one hell of a compliment-Oprah. Such things drive me up a damn wall. For as long as I can remember I've received compliments about speaking abilities. Since I was a kid in church giving presentations on youth day to my recent appearance and surprise speaking engagement at a ToastMaster's event (My friend and president of the local chapter said folks are still talking about how well I did), I've always shined as a presenter.
Add to that, those that have equal or higher education than I do showering me with compliments about my intelligence, knowledge, and abilities...it gets to be a bit much. It's a bit much because I'm embarrassed when I hear these things. I'm embarrassed because I don't know what to do with such information. I don't know how to make it pay. I don't know how to make it work in my favor.
I was a member of a church for a decade. During that time I had incredibly few opportunities to speak or show my leadership abilities. Nevertheless, when I got my chance I did my best to shine and shine I did. I once did a training on political action and mentoring. I did the hour and half training with nothing more than a few notes on half a page of paper. Afterwards, people who were there and people whom heard about it were asking for a copy of my notes. The sad thing is, there wasn't anything to give them. It was from the heart. I would've thought such an event would boost me to greater heights in opportunities to teach and lead. It didn't. In fact, I wasn't even listed on the e-mail sent out to thank all the presenters. Go figure.
This type of thing has happened my entire life. I have shined in a way that created buzz. I have shined in a way that has causes others to point to me as an example as to how one should conduct himself. I have shined in a way that my work has been used to recruit others for participation. Yet, I rarely am ever given credit, more opportunities, promotion, or raises. Instead, I'm left to answer embarrassing questions like, "Why aren't you doing more?" I have no answer. Only a foolish smile and a word of thanks.
Today I met with the CEO of my agency to inquire about a job I was clearly qualified for and was told that they were having difficulty filling. The CEO wasted no time in telling me the position was already filled (though still posted). He also wasted no time trying to tell me where I fell short in qualifications (None of which carried weight. Especially since he just promoted three people with credentials that did not come close to their positions). Then he moved from that to telling me how great my reputation is, how he has heard nothing but good things about me, and even witnessed with his own eyes things that have impressed him. Yet and still, no job, no raise, no nothing. Again, story of my life.
I can't explain what it's like to have talent, proven ability, and education to go with it, and never get the prize. It's infuriating to say the least. I had to laugh as I was told how my education or experience was not equal to others when later in the day I included my supervisor in a case with issues I've had to deal with many times in my lesser experience. My supervisor said, "...I have to tell you I've never had to do this before." She then asked me how such things worked as I had been through this scenario many times before. What a crock! My experience and education is equal to many that sit in seats above me. Yet, the glass sealing remains.
In the Bible, it says that a man's gifts will make room for him. This is often interpreted to mean that the skills and talents God has placed in you will make space for you in this world, organization, church, profession, etc... I have long struggled with that as my gifts seem to have never made room for me. Instead, they serve to only frustrate me. I know it, they know it, and yet I go without. The way I see it, I might as well not have any gifts as I have not found a place or way to use them to their maximum capacity. What a waste! My life's experience has left me asking, "Will a man's gifts make room for him?"
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