So Misunderstood...

It's been a hell of a weekend. I anticipated a relatively peaceful weekend with some work on the side to help my mom out. It has not gone that way. It has been full of painful losses, loud unproductive arguments, and a great deal of new and old misunderstandings.

Apparently, I have developed a persona that I'm a deeply judgemental person ready to condemn people to Hell at the drop of a dime. I am also a "homophobe" according to these same folks. Much of this is based upon my firmly held and boldly stated faith as a Christian. It's sad and unfortunate because these attributes are assumed, not proven by my actions or my words.

In fact, on one occasion one of these individuals went so far as to place me at a table in a conversation with people who did condemn a homosexual relative to hell. I was never there. In fact, I was over 100 miles away. Not until a third party present at the meeting intervened and confirmed my absence. Nevertheless, it is this type of belief in misinformation that has allowed a image of hateful, judgemental, homophobic, "holier than thou..." image to be nurtured and grown about who I am as a person.

Perhaps the worst part about all this is that I have been implicated as having severed my relationship with a cousin that was very close with me as children. I've been informed that everybody in my family believes my faith has informed my distance from and change in my relationship with my cousin (homosexual/transsexual). This is not the case.

My cousin and I began to drift apart culturally long before I embraced my Christian faith. I grew up in the hood. She grew up in an upscale community going to one of the finest private schools in the area. I was embracing rap and R&B music while she was going in a more grunge alternative hippy style of music. I had gone off to college and didn't return home. She too would go off to school in a much different environment. Holidays were no longer shared together as they had been before due to a change in family patterns. All of these things caused a "distance" to develop between us.

It was soon out that my cousin had declared her homosexuality. Later, she was going through a sex change from a woman to a man. I hold that such a change is traumatic for the individual going through the change, as well as those witnessing it. Nevertheless, there was no consideration given to someone like myself as to the difficulty having such news dropped on you about a love one. Add to that, the fact that so few if any of the family were talking about the change, allowing for processing. No one thought that maybe I was struggling with it all.

Instead, they assumed that I had condemned my beloved cousin to hell for all of her heinous, wrongful, sexual activities. No, they did not think that any person could be hurt, confused, and unsure of how to deal with such a situation. Like I said, it was my evil Christian faith pretending to be love while being full of hate (read sarcasm). As a result of my confusion and silence an entire persona was created that impacted my families view of me.

This is not at all the truth. To be sure, I do not support the gay rights movement, I don't believe that homosexuals are "born that way"
(neither do I believe it's a choice like I'm going to have McDonald's for lunch today), I don't support gay marriage, and I think there are incredible mental gymnastics needed to find a path that affirms a sex change for those that believe that's what they are despite all of their hormonal and physical make up. Despite my views, I love my cousin and enjoy his company. Add to that, I love gay people.

The current debate has made such an affirmation of disagreement with the gay rights movement and maintaining love for those individuals as a universal truth of impossibility. Not because it's impossible or even uncommon, but because that is how the debate has been framed by those that lead the gay rights movement for their own agenda and progress. Hence, I find myself a greatly misunderstood individual that stands at a cross road of love, faith, and disagreement. I work for a homosexual woman. I'm certain absent of my disagreement with the lifestyle she would tell you that I treat her with respect as I do any other co-worker or human being.

Not only that, I worked with a large group of homosexual boys for nearly a year and half. They knew my disagreement with the lifestyle and yet they voluntarily would come to my office to speak with me for hours on end. They confided in me, opened up some of their deepest wounds to me, and allowed me to see their world through their eyes. I was privileged to see what they see. Yet, I never changed my thoughts on the matter while at the same time they knew I cared about them.

I'm always at a loss as to why I'm labeled as a bigot, a hatemonger, a homophobe, by those that stand in opposition to me. I'm puzzled because those that claim to be in support of or indifferent to the gay lifestyle/movement say some of the most horrendous things I've ever heard said about gay people. They say as a joke, as a by-word, as a "I know it's hurtful but I really don't mean it" type of thing. But these folks get a pass because to the public eye they're in support. I myself never say disparaging things about gay people. I merely hold the belief that the lifestyle is not the best for individuals or society. My offense is great, deep, hurtful, and in the eyes of many-intentional. That part hurts me a great deal but I have come to terms with it.

I can't go into my worldview on the issue right now. Just know that I did not come to these conclusions in some fly by night fashion. Neither do I hold my beliefs without conflict or tugging on my heart. I wish things were different concerning homosexuality but they aren't. I also would like to say that this isn't the only issue I'm misunderstood about. I can't go into that right now either. I laugh to myself in a sort of comforting way by quoting the saying, "Genius is so misunderstood." I don't think I'm a genius. However, I do get a laugh and some comfort by pretending I am when I'm so misunderstood.