Sunday Mornings

As I sit in my grandmother's kitchen this Sunday morning I had a moment of reflection on my life. Just a few years ago on any given Sunday I would have been found in a church somewhere, teaching class, praying, or participating in the service in some form or fashion. I literally went a decade where I believe I missed a sum total of 3 Sunday services during that time. My how things have changed.

A few years ago you would have seen me, my wife, and my children making our way to church service come hail, sleet, or snow. We were dedicated to the church (and God) and it showed. I went every Sunday expecting something special to happen. What that something was I had no idea, but I was expecting. I was highly revering of the pastor of the church and sought to be counted among them. I had aspirations of spreading the Gospel across the world and bringing honor to Christ name.

A few years ago you would have found me giving as much money as I could possibly afford, and some I couldn't, to the church in an effort to build up the "kingdom." I would have been defending the decisions of the pastor and the lifestyle they live. I would have gladly withstood claims that I was a member of a cult and that I had been brainwashed. I would have been doing a lot different things just a few years ago.

Now, I hardly ever go to church. If I do it's because I want my children to be exposed to the practices of faith and not be complete heathens. I find that I'm seriously bored by church. I'm bothered by the rhetoric, by the pedestal treatment of the leaders, and the unfulfilled unpromissed unwritten hope that is delved out weekly. The church has become so enculterated with materialism, popularity, and status that you really can't tell the difference between them and any hip hop show on Mtv. I find it hard to stomach.

Apart from my own issues with the church is the fact that so much of my life has fallen apart when all I wanted to do was serve him. I've lost my wife, partially lost my children, have no desire to serve, and I am viewed as a dangerous person by those I once served with. There is good reason to be cautious of me as a spiritual person. I'm dangerous. I'm well versed in theology and know the difference between philosophy and reality. I can argue with the best of them. I can tear up a persons belief system if I were wicked and reckless. I'm not.

I think some believers are afraid because they fear that I'll bust their bubble. I will question their beliefs with no real retort or answer to my questions. I'm a man with an experience and sadly they are men with an argument. My experience does not match their argument, nor does most of their experiences match their own beliefs. That's what makes it hard for me to return to church. It's that most of what is spoken from the pulpit just isn't a reality for most people and not supported by the Bible.

When you read the Bible you see people living what is being preached. There is a reality and a fusion of theology, faith, and life. I don't see this today. Hear me out, there is a real faith, real promises, and a real God. I just don't see that being promoted regularly. Sunday mornings aren't what they used to be. worship and prayer have been replaced by pre-game shows. My sermon comes from sportscenter. My sacrifice comes in the form of what's being cooked for breakfast. I hope I can return one day....it just doesn't seem to be anytime soon.

Decisions, Decisions

I am currently facing some pretty insurmountable obstacles in my life. I have come to a point where a decision must be made. I don't think it's possible for me to continue on course in my current city and state. The economy was suffering before the recession hit and it's been worse for this state than most. I work for the state currently and there are many rumors about the viability of the budget and the plans of the new administration. Layoffs have already begun.

I have tried to rescue my house from the dreaded end of foreclosure. Not an easy task when 50% of your income walks out of the door. That is looking more and more like a lost cause. I'm going to continue to fight and I have some tricks left up my sleeve. However, if worse comes to worst that'll be it. A move will have to be made.

It is highly unlikely that I can achieve my financial goals and remain in my current professional field. I'm a social service provider and it just doesn't pay to help those less fortunate. I love what I do. I really enjoy the satisfaction of impacting someones life in a positive manner but there isn't any big cash payoff. I've been complimented by the Director of my department, unit staff, COO, and CEO, yet no money is coming. In fact, with layoffs coming I may not even be able to maintain my position....no matter how well I perform.

The last decision involves my children. They are my pride and joy. My greatest possessions. It pains me to leave them even for a few days. Yet, I may need to leave them even longer to make headway in other ways. This is a sickening thought especially because of their youth. My daughter is taking the separation particularly hard. She cries when I leave. She cries even at the announcement of returning back to her mother. I don't want to do this but it appears as though I must.

My plan looks like this. I will go to law school. Dedicate myself as I always do and finish at the top of my class. I will also obtain a degree in business. I will then make a move to Delaware, New York, Houston, or wherever the highest bidder may be. I'll make an aggressive effort to set my finances in order and pave the way for my children. Women will not be a concern. Nor will personal gain. My children and their well being will be my only focus. I will leave the life I had and have behind. Only looking back for my beautiful children.

My life would appear to have run it's course. I will now pour myself out for my children and hopefully for their children. My hopes for a new family, more children, good friends, will be something of another life. I will leave it all behind. I may be overreacting. But I think this experiment has run it's course. It's time to move on to the next one. My best laid plans went the way of mice and men. Marriage gone, home close to it, current relationship a mystery, job up in the air, finances about the same...Decisions must be made. Hard decisions that will neither be pleasant nor peaceful. In the words of the detective from Menace to Society, "You know you fucked up right...........you know you fucked up?"

Suffering, the Only Way to the Top

I love the game of football. I have deep remorse that I did not play the game in any organized fashion growing up. It is a game of brutality. A game of wills. A game of pain and triumph. It truly is a game about life. It's a game about forward progress, control, skill, and discipline. What a reflection of reality.

As an avid Pittsburgh Steelers fan I recall watching them suffer a brutal loss two weeks ago at the hands of the Patriots. They got the breaks beat off of them. It was embarrassing to say the least. Yet, that was not but a small picture of what the Steelers are. They didn't stay down. They mounted up and whooped ass on the lowly Raiders the following week. It wasn't that they beat down an undeserving team that struck me. It was that they regrouped from such a terrible set back.

This is where life truly is played out on the football field. How many times have each of us given our all and come up short? How many times has our best not been good enough? I know that what often happens is that people give up. They figure their best is good enough and throw in the towel. It's sad but true. I've been here before. There are times when you just don't feel like it's worth it anymore.

I ask you to consider this, what if your greatest victory was contained in the very next opponent you faced? Most championship teams do not go undefeated. Instead they have ups and downs throughout the season. What happens is that they build from those losses and peak at the right time. Championships aren't won at the beginning or even the middle of the season. It is a total effort. The good and the bad.

When you watch games in HD you can see the blood, sweat, and even tears that are shed each and every Sunday. This is done by both the winner and the loser. Yet, they pull it all together. Work hard throughout the week only to do it again. We should approach each day in such a fashion. Learn from the past, embrace the present, and hope for the future. Press on toward the mark of the high calling.

I remember hearing an interview with Wayne Gretzky, hockey great. He was talking about the first time he was in the championship game on a professional level. His team had been beaten royally and lost the series. Gretzky stated that he left his teams locker room to go see the celebration of the other team. He said he was surprised by what he saw. He didn't see people falling all over each other in joy. What he was men being patched up from the injuries suffered during the battle for the gold. He stated that he looked at his team and saw that they had few if any injuries. They also didn't have the Championship.

It was at that point that Gretzky realized that his team had not paid the price to be champions. They had come far but they didn't suffer till the end. The other team wanted it so badly they were willing to bleed and be broken for it. His team didn't. Success is not achieved by the prettiest. It is not achieved by the those that come out unscathed. No, it is achieved by those will to pay the price for what they want. You only reach the top by being willing to go to the bottom. You can only get there by suffering.

Learn from these athletes. Learn from the game how to live life. Learn that suffering isn't always what it seems. Learn that is is the pathway to something much greater if you use it wisely. I have suffered and still am in many ways. I don't want this to go to waste. I could be bitter, stay bitter, and never recover. Or, I could choose to use this to fuel me to where I want to go. I could come out with scars that tell the story of my demise or the story of my triumph. I vow not to let suffering destroy me. Instead, I will suffer my way to success. Suffer my way to love. Suffer my way to peace. Suffer my way......to where it leads me.

Jordan, Consistant and True

I just finished watching Jordan's response to the "What Should I do" LeBron commercial. I know it's been written for him and it may not even be his true thoughts on the whole LeBron matter, but I love it. One thing is for sure, Jordan's marketing team has always kept him consistent in his commercials and message. The message is true on the court as well as in life.

Jordan's retort to LeBron is about his work ethic and how he used his failures to fuel his success. Jordan apologizes for making it look easy, for making it look as though it was effortless, for making it look as though success began and ended during the game. As I watched this commercial I thought about how true this is in life.

Most poeple see great success and think that it's easy because the professionals make it look easy. It only looks easy because of all the hard work they put in before you ever saw it. Great attorney's don't become great in the court room. They become great in the law library. Great athletes don't become great on the field of play. They become great in the gym and the in the film room. Great relationships don't become that way at the anniversary. They become great day in and day out as people love, sacrifice, give, and suffer for one another. Greatness is never easy.

LeBron seems to have missed this lesson in life. He thought he was going to win because he was him. He thought since it didn't come in Cleveland it would come in Miami with more superstars. Turns out you need hard work even when surrounded by a bunch of talent. This has been missed as LeBron has complained about playing to many minutes and his sidekick Chris Bosh has been quoted as saying, "We just want to chill." Jordan's lesson has been lost on these two.

LeBron and company are not alone. Many of us have thought that success was going to come easy. Some thought because we were educated black men success would find us. Some of us thought because we were the big fish in our small pond that the world would just recognize and bow at our feet. Some, like my former partner, thought that life was supposed to be perfect and when it wasn't jumped ship. Life is not easy in any sense of the word. Failure is easy. Pain is guaranteed. Overcoming is not.

I remember watching Shaquil O'Neal talking about kids working out. He said, "Some people don't know what it means to work hard. They think they're working hard but they're not working hard." This is where we have come. We don't know how to work through things. We don't know how to struggle. How to press on. How to overcome and triumph victoriously. We have lost the work ethic. We have lost our drive. Nobodies hungry. Hence, nobodies productive.

Jordan is no saint. By no means perfect. He was great where he worked toward greatness, the court. The man failed in quite a few other spots in life. Some major. Yet, he is right when he says that it was his drive to fix his failures that made him great. Look back at Mike's commercials. They have always had the theme that failure drove him. Whether it was being cut from his high school team, being drafted second in the NBA draft, or being laughed at by Larry Bird when he scored 63 and lost, he has always maintained that his shortcomings pushed him onward. Learn from him on this note. Don't let failure be the last word. Let it be the beginning of your story toward greatness.

LOVE ETERNAL...

And now we have these three left; faith, hope, and love. Love being the greatest among these (paraphrase from 1 Cor. 13). The Bible says that above all stand Faith, Hope, and Love. And, out of those three stands Love alone. You should read the whole chapter to get the full effect of the very poetic and true statements of 1 Cor. 13. It is often read at weddings and whatnot. But I digress.

What makes Faith, Hope, and Love so great? Well, faith is the evidence of things hoped for, the substance of things unseen. When you find yourself in a place where things look bleak faith may be all you have left. It might sound like a weakness but it's a strength. Faith in God is the greatest of faiths. Yet, faith in oneself and a hopeful future is powerful in and of itself. Faith is what is needed to please God and live righteously. It is the full for progress and greatness.

Hope is the fuel that fans the flames of faith. Hope is needed if one is to ever overcome unwanted circumstances. There is no drive, no motivation, no hmmmph...when you need it. Hope is essential for life on this earth. I think one reason we don't press on and do better is because we are hopeless (I'll touch on that another time). The President won because even if his ideas haven't been hopefull, his message was. Biblically speaking, hope is a gift from God. We hope based on his promises for a brighter day.

Finally, we come to Love. Love is so fantastic it is deemed to be the greatest of all things. Love is what fuels faith, hope, and all things worthy. Love is what drove our God to sacrifice on our behalf. Love is what drives people to stretch themselves for others. Love is what is needed today, tomorrow and forever more. When love is present or made life is always the result.

So, why is love the greatest? Love is the greatest because at some point faith will be no more for all that his believed will come to pass. Hope will go the same way. All things hoped for will be fulfilled. Those things will be before our very eyes both now and forever more. But love....love is ever present and never complete as you can give it over and over. God is love, therefore love is eternal.

The one thing that will transcend time and space is love. It continues on. It is like a form of energy. It can not be destroyed and changes form as it is released into the world. Love is truly a magnificent and powerful entity. Unseen and yet an action. It has the power to create, the power to provide, the power to propel us beyond what we know to be our limits. It is incredible.

So, why am I writing about love? Well, my Chocolate Princess continues to infer and suggest that I am still in love with my wife. To some extent that is true. For my love was true for her and therefore can not be voided. It can't be destroyed nor replaced. However, the terms upon which my wife experienced my love have been violated. I wish her well. I have high hopes for her future. Sadly, she can never experience my love as she once did before.

This could be a gender issue as well. I think women are better built or have a higher tolerance for infidelity. I don't know if nurture, nature, or purpose but women seem to be able to withstand aughts against the heart. Men can not. There is no coming back from infidelity for most men. It is a crushing blow that seems that it can not be overcome by men. To add to that I don't desire to overcome it. Call it pride. Call it ego. Call it what you want...I'm not built that way. Also, I don't believe my wife has any interest either. I take her at her word that she doesn't love me.

So, with all that I say this; Love is eternal. It doesn't end and can't be destroyed. It does change form and its experience most certainly can change. My love for my wife is eternal. I will not revoke my feelings for her. They stand forever. There is no going back. No reneging. Yet, I must go on. I am free and my love desires to bless another at this time. The laws of the spirit can not be revoked. Love will ring eternal!

PEPPERMINT BARK

I was recently introduced to a wonderful treat called Peppermint Bark. It is a chocolate scare with milk chocolate on one side and peppermint on the other. The product is made by Ghirardelli Chocolate. I recommend that you pick some up if you have the chance. I see interesting correlations between this delicious treat and the one that introduced us.

The Bark is a unique mixture of flavors. It's sweet and refreshing and leaves you with a wonderful sensation after you have consumed it. This is true of my friend. I call her my Chocolate Princess. She is multifaceted with many flavors and is always refreshing to my soul.

In addition to the wonderful taste of the Bark, it is difficult to find. Not every store carries this edition of the Ghirardelli Chocolate. Though you can find Ghirardelli almost everywhere this Bark is a rare find. Again, my Chocolate Princess is a woman like any other and yet not like any other. She is unique, a rare find. Something special. I tell her this all the time but she thinks I'm running game. It's understandable, but I don't have game...as my friend says, "that is my game."

The last comparison I will make is not exactly a pleasant one. The Peppermint Bark is only here for a short period of time. It is a "limited edition." It is a holiday special. Consequently, I have consumed a great deal of it and have sought to share it with many. Sadly, my Chocolate Princess continues to state that she believes our relationship is only for a season and that one day I will move on. I don't hold to this belief. However, it's hard to overcome a self-fulfilled prophecy and if that is her aim how can I overcome it?

If you have a Peppermint Bark or Chocolate Princess in your hands I recommend that you savor the flavor and all the refreshment it brings. One never knows how long it will be around nor if it shall return. Strike while the iron is hot. Leap while the waters are troubled. If you wait, you may miss out on a wonderful treat and be left with only regret.

Ti's the Season

This is a bitter sweet time of the year for me now. It was once the opening to the best time of the year as far as I was concerned. Football is in full swing. The Holiday's are being swept in along with the beautiful changing of the leaves. First, comes Thanksgiving. Then, next up would be my wedding anniversary. Followed by Christmas, my birthday, my wife's birthday, and the hope of the New Year. Much has changed in just a few months.

According to my wife's report, November is the month my marriage brought to its end. Up until this point my marriage was salvageable. What had taken place could have been turned back, repaired, reconciled. This is the month where my marriage jumped the shark. This was when my wife took things to a point of no return. What took place during this month can not be taken back, can not be erased, can not be dissolved.

This is the month when what was mine in spirit and by law was freely given to another. It was during this time that my heart was betrayed for a small bag of silver. Once you take it there ain't no coming back. I can't help but to reflect on this happening even a little bit. It doesn't occupy my mind but I do find that it surfaces here and there.

I remember gathering with family and my wife seeming distant. As I look back I wander was that the day? Was that when my world stood still, the moon turned blood red, and the seven seals were opened? My wife never would tell me the day. She claims she doesn't remember. I find that hard to believe. She claims it took place around Thanksgiving. It's possible. Not the greatest of holiday memories, but the truth is the truth.

I'll never really know when, how, and how many times the dastardly deed took place. What I do know is that it was in this season that what God joined together, man tore asunder. This year there will be no anniversary, no birthday celebrations, no Christmas Eve at the in-laws. No, what will be this year is undue complicated maneuvering to make my children feel as comfortable as possible as this will be the first year ever that they will not have both parents present during the holidays. Oh well, Ti's the season...

Do you really want to know me?

One of the complaints my wife voiced before she left was that I didn't make her feel special. She said that I treated her like I treat any other woman. She even got upset because I would talk politics with a female co-worker of mine. Keep in mind, my wife had no interest in politics whatsoever. Anyway, she would always say that I didn't do anything with her that I didn't do with other women, save sex. That simply wasn't true. There was something I shared with her that I shared with only her. The issue was, did she want it?

Intimacy is a common issue and complaint of women concerning men. Women tend to believe that a man is only interested in being intimate in one way, sex! For the most part that's true. Rather, that is the primary mode of intimacy men desire to pursue. I submit this argument while I'm here. Women complain about intimacy but they don't know what any other form of intimacy looks like so in essence they're just complaining. Back to the issue at hand. Truth is, men share their hearts with their women quite often in a deeply intimate way. Problem is that women miss it.

When my wife told me that I didn't share anything with her I knew from the rip that she had missed it. I shared something that most men won't ever share with their friends, co-workers, family members, or anybody else.....I shared my insecurities. Let me tell you women, if a man tells you about his perceived shortcomings or fears he is sharing the deepest, darkest, parts of his heart. This is high level, top secret, classified, male intimacy. Don't miss it.

Most women think that their man is just complaining or whining about what's going wrong in his life. That isn't the case. If I tell you what my dreams are and the roadblocks I'm facing I'm sharing something deep. Men won't share their fears, insecurities, or weaknesses at work, at the gym, and not with the boys. A man has to present with a strong front. Life is war and a warrior would never show his point of weakness. Yet, every man has one at least. He longs for a safe place to be known. He's not asking for a woman to fix it but just for her listening ear.

I used to share my fears with my wife. Share my pain. I wasn't looking for her to answer those things. I was just looking to be known...good and bad. I wanted her to see the whole me. She saw it as weakness, not strength. She didn't use the information to build me up but to tear me down. She didn't let it bring us closer but instead let it put a wedge between us. My wife isn't alone in how she perceived my sharing. I have talked to quite a few women that found this type of sharing to be repugnant. When I tell them how their man is opening up to them they all seem shocked that they didn't see it.

Women want Clint Eastwood, Denzel, Obama...men that present as invincible supermen that don't have insecurities, shortcomings, or fears. They want a scripted man that knows how to respond to every situation. Is always in a position of strength. And, who never shows vulnerability. They want a fictional man. Maybe this is how it is to be. Maybe men ought not share their hearts on all sides. Maybe, it's just too much. Maybe women don't really want to know the complete man.

If you do want to know the whole man then listen for the heart of the man that shares his insecurities. It is rare. It is special. You will find that you will know your man in a way no one else does. Don't be repelled by the other side of his strength. It takes strength for a man to unveil himself in such a manner. If you haven't gotten to this place of intimacy ask yourself; "Do I really want to know him?"

CRAZY

Don't ever go against your better judgment. Think about it, it's called "better judgment." I did such a thing about two months ago. Everything started off simple and innocent. A female acquaintance asked if we could hang out. There were no parameters or expectations placed on the time. It was just going to be two people hanging out. A little dinner and dancing...that was it. I've hung out with many woman as "friends" without issue so I figured it was cool. It wasn't.

We went out for dinner, drinks, and then some dancing. While we were dancing we shared a kiss or few...it was cool. After that I escorted her home. I thought to myself, "that was cool. Nothing major...just cool." The next day I'm getting text asking me to join her and her sister at a bar for drinks and other activities. When I turned that down she offered to buy me breakfast the following day. Keep in mind I made it clear that after that evening I would be spending time with my family. That did not deter her.

The text continued to fly. She continued to indicate that she couldn't wait to see me again so she could kiss me (apparently a brother has skills). She was stroking my ego big time and I was enjoying that. She was already planning to make a drive to see me at my home. I thought about the situation and felt that it wouldn't be wise to do so. I shared my reservations with the woman. I was clear that if she made a trip to my home sex would be had. She agreed. I made it clear that I wasn't interested in a serious relationship. She agreed. I said, and I quote, "I don't want to be a part of your pain." She said that she was an adult and was certain that I wouldn't be....

She pressed the issues and as the saying goes, a gentleman will only be a gentleman for so long. I wanted to get physical, she wanted to get physical...it was on. I should have stood strong and held my ground. I know that 99.9% of women on this earth can't handle that type of arrangement. This was not one of the .01%. She was already making plans for a return to my home. I was already making plans not to ever have another meeting of this kind again.

I stalled when she inquired about the next meeting time by saying, "let's wait and see." She felt put off. She was wondering what happened. To make it worse, she is under the belief that she really "rocked my world." I don't know where she got that from cause she wasn't even close. I was polite and clear about things. I thanked her for sharing herself with me but I didn't think it should go any further. I told her I thought she should take some time to clear her mind and leave the whole relationship piece alone for now.

She took offense. Tried to push me further. She said things like, "you have to get over it sometime." And, "You have to push past all this." I took offense at her response. I asked her how does one "push" past 10 years? I told her I was doing what I thought and know is best for me. She tried to act like she was coming back to her senses. She tried to apologize and act sane. She even thanked me for helping her gain clarity. That only lasted for so long. It was only a few days before loooooongggggggg e-mails and text messages started again. She was like fatal attraction lite.

This woman is disturbed. In her mind, God has brought us together for a reason. I'm really into her but scared that she is going to hurt me. And, that I am suppressing my heartfelt emotions for her. It is as though she is hearing voices cause all this has been constructed from my silence. I don't think God brought us together. I'm not scared of being hurt (not by her, desire is needed for emotional pain to occur). And the only thing I'm covering up is my disgust for her behavior and how she repels me even as a friend. I'm disturbed, but not in the same way.

So here I am, my thoughts are typically far far away from this woman. I don't text her, call her, e-mail her, check on her FB page, comment on her FB page, nothing.... Yet, I continue to receive correspondence from her as though I respond. Today she asked me via text if I wanted a book she just read. I said no. She was offended. Who does that? Who gets offended because you don't want to read a book? A crazy person, that's who! I should have known better. I should have done better. I should have listened to better judgment. Now she's driving me crazy and on the verge of making me be something I'm not...Outright ignorant.

Q & A

The Question: Did I ever have a chance?

Answer: Never seen you like that. You were more of a brother. Too much of a good boy too... I like bad boys!! Lol

What you see above is part of the phenomena seen on facebook.com where people can't wait to put their business out in the street. The game works like this, you ask a person a question under the cloak of the "inbox." In turn, the person you ask the question to post both the question and the answer for all to see on their page. The question above is one that I posed to a female friend of mine from college. Her response only serves to prove my point....GOOD GUYS AIN'T WORTH SHIT!!!!

Let me tell you this concerning my friend. There was once a time when I escorted her to her room because she was intoxicated (one beer) I wanted to make sure she made it back safely. Once in her room she starts kissing and hugging on me and asking me to stay. Under fear of rape accusations I broke camp. Many of our close mutual female friends swear she was faking to give herself an excuse. Well, maybe she wasn't. After all, I never had a chance.

It's not like I wanted this chick to say "game on." She's married with kids. It's just that I would have liked to have been looked at with that type of potential. Even if you don't want a job it's nice to know you have options. I don't even have options. I'm cursed by my niceness. Damned by my respectful ways. I should be calling women bitches, hoes, and chicken heads. I should find em', fool em', fuck em', and forget em' (Eric Jerome Dickey).

I know there is a place for men like me somewhere in the world. That place might be a monastery or the priesthood, but it's somewhere. Opportunity after opportunity has passed me by because I'm too much of a gentleman, too much of a good guy. BULLSHIT!!! No wonder the good guys are bad guys in this world. There is no room for men of respect, men of character. There is only room for selfish, conniving, cheating, lying, bastards that would do and say anything to get what they want. Of course, that's what women want. An unbeatable challenge.

Question: Where's the Prince Charming women have been dreaming of?

Answer: Trapped inside a good guy that can't get a second look if he were a flaming ball of fire.

THE POISON PILL

The term "poison pill" is a term used in the corporate world to fend off a hostile takeover. The term is also used in sports concerning contract negotiations. For my purposes I will use the functional definition for "poison pill" used in sports. When teams are negotiating with a player in sports they can offer a player a "poison pill" contract that does significant damage to the players former team if they decide to match the contract offer. The contract may consist of more years or more money than the former team is willing to pay. It can also contain terms that the former team isn't willing to touch (like guaranteeing that a player always be the highest paid at their position). Either the former team loses the player, takes the financial hit, or accept a contract they don't want.

This is what my wife has given me concerning my children. To add insult to injury my wife took my children under a cloud of deceit and maintains what would be considered primary custody. The poison pill in this deal is that I only get to see my kids on the weekends, every weekend. I love my kids and they love me. I wish I had more time for them but my work schedule and the distance between us does not allow for many weekday visits. Hence, I have a choice that really is no choice at all. Here is the poison of the pill.

Since I have my kids every weekend my social life is almost Nil. Most people still kick it on the weekends, save college students. Hence, my hang out time with friends or those of the opposite sex is totally shut down. Thus far I have had to turn down some pretty excellent company (female), free tickets to a comedy show, and hanging out with friends I haven't seen for quite some time. My weekends consist of regular trips to the park, Chuck E. Cheese, and animated movies. Whooo Hooo!!!!

In light of my weekend lock down I have a handful of choices. I could get a sitter for my kids and roll out with the friends and what not. That's not a great choice cause my kids come to see me and I want to see them so I really don't want to cut my time short. I could ask my wife to keep the kids for a weekend here and there. That's a no show. I wouldn't give her the pleasure of being at her mercy. Plus, my kids would be upset they didn't see me. Not really a win-win situation.

So, here I am. Little to no social life. I love my kids with a passion. I wouldn't trade them for anything. If this is my life from here till then, so be it. But it sure does burn me up that I have no social life, only see my kids on the weekends, and my wife gets to kick it every week with guaranteed child care. Where is the justice in that? I really need a weekend with the cousins or something to give me a kickin' it weekend. Ah well, it is what it is. In other words, I'm complaining with no real solution. She got me good with the poison pill.

STAND FIRM

I have recently come to a great revelation in life. My partner at work has been trying to communicate this to me as she has shared her significant other's methods and function in relationship. Being slow like I am I was missing it. But in the midst of anger and frustration it all became clear to me.

I am the poster boy for the "good guy." I'm nice, polite, respectful, chivalrous, caring, and deferring. In short, I'm weak. Not weak as in can't defend myself or stand up for others. I'm weak as in a I don't hold my ground or force the issue. Case in point, I recently missed out on some serious lovin' from a beautiful and sexy woman because I was too much of a "gentleman." The curse of the good guy strikes again.

Throughout most of my life I've been looking to change to something that I'm not. Recently, I thought I could be a dog. In some ways I have been. In other ways I haven't. I let em' down slow and easy with honesty and care. That ain't no dog. Nope, not even close. I thought I could do it. I thought I could transform into a womanizing monster only out for self. I can't do it. It's not in me.

In recent weeks three different women have stated that if my "swag" were more on point I could pull more woman and get the panties. "Swag" was likened to me as a cover letter to a great resume'. It's the outer shell of the inner person. I've been told I've got "potential." I've been told that I'm a great guy. Yet, I've been told that I don't make women want me because of my lack of swag or presentation. This pisses me off...well it used to.

While discussing the issue with my best friend he said I was like Eli Manning, quarterback of the New York Football Giants. Eli Manning has been knocked for his lack of verbal leadership. They say he's too laid back. Too relaxed. Too cool. Things don't seem to bother him. They want him to be like his brother Peyton or his neighbor to the North, Tom Brady. Those guys are known as strong leaders with strong personalities. He's not.

Despite the criticisms, Eli has a Championship Ring. That's the goal of the NFL, get the Trophy. So, Eli stuck to his guns. He stayed true to himself. And he won. I'm learning that's what I need to do. I would normally look to craft myself to the liking of others so I wouldn't miss out on what they offer. I've come to realize that they need to be concerned about what they are missing out on.

It goes like this; If a woman decides to engage me then they have gained. If they decide to pass then they have lost. Equal gain, equal loss. I'm not changing for other people. You're either with the program or your not. Same goes for me. There may be something there worth sticking around for. There may be something deemed to be worth while. However, there may be deal breakers. Both parties need to make a decision. I'm making mine now. I'm either a fit for you and you for me, or I'm not.

Why carry on looking to change or hoping for something more in a person. It's not going to happen. I think that's what happened with my wife. I think she was looking for something more to take place. She was hoping for something other. Didn't happen the way she wanted so she was discontent. Why put that undue pressure on the relationship. Buy the product in front of you. See Buyer Beware. Otherwise you're asking for trouble from the jump.

Like I said before, it's hard to find that relational match. I've found a woman that I highly enjoy. She's beautiful, sexy, smart, funny...a joy to be around. Yet, she has some worldview, core beliefs that I can't get with. I'm not what she's used to. I could move to make changes so I'd be more her match. That would be the normal me. Or, I could stay me (what I am) and accept that we can't move on. I don't want to miss out on her. I think she's something special. Yet, I'm going to stand firm. I am what I am. It is what it is. I'm standing firm on me.

NO RETREAT!!!!

If you follow my blog at all you will see that I've been struggling with the trials of life. I've been ready to give up. Such is the flow of life. You have ups and downs. However, there is no room in life for retreat. Turning back is shameful, heartless, and out right inappropriate.

This is not to say that one can't change their mind or change course. It's just to say that you can't sit around sulking about the past, about what you have done. You must accept it, evaluate it, learn from it, and move on. I have thought a million times how any number of decisions could have altered my life in a positive way. I could almost widdle it down to five moves that would have forever changed my history. But as the great poet Jay-Z says, "Time don't go back, it goes forward. Can't run from the pain, run towards it."

This life is full of pain. This world is full of hurt. Tragedy and death come to us all. Can't run from it. Can't hide from it. Can't escape it. The very nature of man has chained each and every one of us to it. You either stand around waiting for something to happen or you make something happen. Either way you go somethings going to happen. Better to take a hit in motion than to take the full blunt force of it. Either you happen on life or life happens on you. I'll take the former.

One of my favorite movies is 300. It's a manly man's movie. Full of blood, violence, and warriors. As the mighty King Leonidas was leading his men off to battle the narrator states that there is no room for tender moments. He says, "Only the hard and the strong...only the hard...only the strong." That is life. For a man this is the truth.

So here I stand, past behind me. Present in hand. Future ahead. I don't have it all planned out but I must go on. Another great warrior movie is Braveheart. There the great William Wallace has advanced his forces deep into England. He is preparing to fight for the King's home and set his people free. He is visited by the beautiful Princess Isabella. During there conversation she tells him that he is too far from home to turn back, but doesn't have the resources to go on. It is then that she offers her help with the attack.

I like Wallace, I am too far from home to turn back. Yet, at this moment I don't have the resources needed to complete my journey. I stand in need of a Princess Isabella. One that would provide me with what I need to make this final concourse. One that would offer the support needed to continue on. That may or may not come. If not then I shall stand like King Leonidas in the face of certain death. There is no retreat. There is no shrinking back. If death be before me then I shall prepare for glory. Until such a time, I shall await that beautiful moment. There shall be no retreat!!!

GROWING TIRED...

I am in a place of limbo right now. I'm not certain what the future holds. I don't know where I'm headed or even where I will live in the near future. I read a mass e-mail from the director of my agency that stated there is going to be a $7 million short fall even if there are no changes to the budget. That spells trouble for me.

I'm only about 3 months into my new job. It's a unionized position. Due to the way union contracts are structured that means I'm looking at a possible lay-off. Thus far, I have survived three lay-off cycles. Each time I was in real danger of losing my job. I have never been jobless before. I've never been fired or laid-off.

This is not something I need as I am trying to hold on to the little I have left. My home is still up in the air. I call, they stall, I wait...and repeat the cycle over again. I'm still trying to get myself together from the separation, loss of my children, and overall disillusionment with life. As the saying goes, when it rains it pours.

I remember in high school I used to listen to a song by B.I.G. called Everyday Struggle. The chorus went something like this, "I don't wanna live no more. Sometimes I hear death knocking at the front door. I'm living everyday like a hustle. Another drug to juggle. Another day, another struggle." That pretty much sums up my thoughts right now.

I'm tired of struggle. Tired of the fight. I need some peace time in my life. I need some time when I don't have to push back against anything. I need a bye week. In short, I'm burned out. It's little things here and there that do it. It's unexpected repairs to the car. Relationships not going the way you want them too. Concerns about my kids and family. Just life in general.

Now, as I'm writing I'm thinking I should clear up the issue of not wanting to live no more. I'm not thinking suicide. The thought crosses the mind from time to time, but nothing significant. No plan, no means. Just passing thoughts. Despite my troubles I have a lot to live for. Namely my beautiful children. Besides, I want to see how the story ends.

TELL ME THE SKY IS PURPLE...

I watched the movie Brooklyn's Finest today. It was an entertaining movie, had some twist and turns. As is the make up of most movies Brooklyn's Finest is a conglomerate of various relationships. Friends and foes, partners, good guys and bad guys, and marriage. A large segment of the movie revolves around the husband wife relationship. There was an interchange during the movie that deeply impacted me.

The conversation took place while the husband and wife were discussing the needs of their family. The husband is promising his wife a new home. He's concerned about the space of their current home as well as the impact the mold is having on his families health. As the man is desperately giving his word for better days to his wife she says, "I believe you. Tell the me sky is purple and I will believe you." That was all I needed to hear. It spoke volumes about their relationship.

Caught up in the wife's statement about the sky is a clearly painted picture of the strength and bond of their relationship. Her words spoke of her trust, belief in, and desire for her husband. She told him that he could tell her something contrary to common knowledge and she would believe him on the strength of their love. How powerful is that? How amazing is that?

Her words confirmed her husbands manhood and ability to provide beyond just the physical. I once believed I was a member of such a union. There was once a time when my partner deferred to me out of trust. There was once a time when I didn't have to defend my words or actions. That was a time when love was love. I hope I can one day hear the sweet words, "Tell me the sky is purple."

Emotional Pain

I can remember a while back when I had to de-escalate a kid at work from destroying the unit and hurting himself. He ran around unit screaming, throwing things, and cursing at staff. When I finally was able to corner him he fell to the ground. His chest was pumping up and down with each hard breath. There were shrill like screams coming out of him. Tears began to fall. The kids looked like he was ready to explode from within from all the pain. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't chilled by the encounter.

I went home that day and posted a comment that read, "Emotional Pain is so much greater than physical pain." My wife took offense to the statement. She thought I was talking about her. I wasn't. I was commenting on what I was witness to at work. Little did I know that I would one day attribute that statement to my wife.

I had a horrible dream the other day. In the dream my wife was glowing with joy about being pregnant. She told me that the child was her lovers and that she was in her forth month. It wasn't the pregnancy in and of itself that bothered me. It was the immense joy she was experiencing at bringing for life for her lover, an emotion I once thought I brought to her.

I woke up from the dream emotionally disturbed. I couldn't shake the image for two whole days. I felt the power of rejection. A feeling that I wasn't good enough. I've had many experiences since we have parted ways to dispute my wife's claims against me. However, you can't just shake those things off. The words are powerful. The emotion overwhelming. The echo of her statements loud and clear. It's a living nightmare.

Some said that the young man I first mentioned was "demon possessed." I don't know if he is possessed. What I do know is that he has demons and they torment him. I now have demons as well that are tormenting me. It's the demon of rejection, a broken heart, and failure. It's the demon of emotional pain. I hope I can break this thing. I don't want to carry on like this for much longer. It's just to painful.

UNFORGETTABLE

Unforgettable is known as one of the all time great songs by Nat King Cole and his daughter, Natalie Cole. It is a classic song with a beautiful rhythm and melody. The smooth tone of Nat King's voice sets the song off. If you aren't familiar I would recommend that you take a listen.

The very popular new pop icon on the scene, Drake, has a song on his album of the same title. It's not anywhere close to the Cole family's production but it's a good song, tight beat-nice flow. As I think about it, Drake seems to have a theme throughout his album-SIGNIFICANCE.

This is where I find myself at this point in time. I want to be SIGNIFICANT! This isn't really anything new. I have always wanted to be significant. As a kid I wanted to be a Martin Luther King/ Malcolm X type figure. The older I got, I thought I would be the first black President. Post salvation, I wanted to be a pastor that would positively impact the lives of others for the cause of Christ. Significance has always been a part of my make up.

Now I desire to be significant to a lesser degree. I want to be significant to women. As the prototypical good guy, I find myself time and time again in the friend/brother category. That's cool and all but as a good friend once told his future wife, "I have enough friends." That was a clear warning that he was not interested in befriending that woman. It was all or nothing. She either had to get with his program or the relationship was over.

As I assess myself I have come to the conclusion that facially I'm a "cute" guy. I'm not stunning, not dashing, not hot, and not a beau. I'm cute. I'm cool with that but it doesn't leave women thinking about you. Cute is reserved for babies, brothers, and little girls. I would really like to be a lady killer. I want to have unforgettable swag. I want women to talk about my appearance. You may not know my name, but you remember my face. Since I'm not into plastic surgery I'll have to figure out something different to change this up.

On the personality tip I think I am quite memorable. I was once told that I made my partners work experience unlike any other. I don't know if I always have an impact on people for the right reasons. As Captain Jack Sparrow said in response to being told that he was the worst pirate they'd ever heard of, "...But you have heard of me..." I might be remembered for my wittiness and quirky behavior but that is not always the way to a woman's heart. Again, it's hard to refashion your persona this late in the game. We shall see.


One way a man can be remembered is by his financial prowess. I want to be paid. I want dem' dolla's, the scrilla, ends......GREEN! However, I'm not really interested in a woman that can be "bought," I want to be wanted because of who I am, not what I bring to the table. I know women want security and that means money. As a man, I desire to give my all to the woman that occupies the apple of my eye. I want to be able to provide all that her heart desires and more. However, I don't want someone that is on a paper chase with plans to catch it on my blood, sweat, and tears. I'll have to pass on this one.

I thought I was a person of significance to my wife. It has been made painfully obvious that I'm not. Even more painful may be that I'm not a person of significance to women. I want to be special to that person. I want to be desired. I want to be the answer to a woman's prayer. I want to be significant! I want to be unforgettable!