WHAT'S A MAN TO DO

I just finished reading a book about a man that has an affair because his wife refused to have sex with him. The book paints a picture that the man was made to feel dirty or immoral about his sexual desires. Oddly enough, while having a conversation about relationships with a relative she brought up the issue of men stepping out because their wives wouldn't give them any lovin' unprompted. It was quite a convenient coincident. I understand this isn't uncommon at all.

The fictional and non-fictional issue of sex in marriage or any committed relationship has cause me to ask the question, "What is a man to do?" I mean really, is a man to just sit around forever waiting for the time when his wife feels like she's in the mood? That's horrible. When a man gets married he does so with the expectation of regular sexual activity. He doesn't do it with the hopes or dreams of it, but as a normal part of the marriage relationship. What man gets married for regular conversation and to have someone tell him what he's not doing right?

It's a strange thing because women seem down for all types of fucking pre-marriage. Be they Christian, Muslim, or any other persuasion, sex seems to be on the menu in great supply before the vows are exchanged. Yet, somewhere along the lines sex turns into a chore and the woman finds all types of reasons to resist engaging her husband in such a way. Included in these reasons is righteous indignation. Women seem to feel that sex is dirty and so is the man for wanting it on the regular. This is a societal myth that suits the needs of women nicely as needed.

Imagine for a moment if you will, that you have made a commitment to the person you love. You have declared it publicly. You lay down next to them nightly in near if not total nudity. Yet, you are expected to refrain from sexual activity with this person that you are connected to in mind, body, and soul. What type of life is that? What type of reality is that? If a woman wants a girlfriend then get a girlfriend. Don't get married.

Getting married will only torture you and the man. You will be tortured because you desire someone to hold you, support you, listen to you, provide for you, and protect you without physical engagement. Not gonna happen. In addition, you will be frustrated by the fact that the man will continue to press the issue. And if pressing the issue fails, he's going to press his way out the door to a woman that is willing and able. The man will be frustrated because despite his best efforts he's not getting what he so highly values-SEX. He will equally be angered by the characterization that he is a dog with uncontrollable desires (God given desires). And, he will resent the fact that he feels the need to go outside the relationship for satisfaction.

To put it bluntly, it's fucked up. It's fucked up that a man would be put in a situation where he would feel the need to search elsewhere for sexual gratification. It's fucked up that his wife or committed other would try to justify her frigged ways by demonizing the man. It's one big old mess. But, what is a man to do?

Turning Cake Into Beef

The other day I was having an on-line conversation with a life time friend. I've known this girl since before I can remember. We went to school most of our early childhood, lived around the corner from each other, and went to prom together. In short, we're friends. Well, at least we were until recently.

As I was saying we were chatting online the other day. My friend said she was going to bake a cake. Being a lover of bake goods and cake in particular I asked for her to send me a one. She replied that she would send me a picture. I told her thanks for nothing. At this point, her husband jumped into the discussion and said I had to get my own. I took it lightly and continued to joke with him.

Later on, building off of the earlier exchange I asked my friend why her husband was "cake blocking?" She thought is was funny as did I and stated because her husband doesn't like to share her goodies. We had a laugh and that was that. Or, so I thought.

I would later be informed that my joke caused serious offense to her husband. He stated that he thought is was inappropriate under any circumstances no matter how close we were as friends. I was cool and said that I was sorry for any offense and that I would lay low. My friend responded by saying that she knew I would be cool. The next day we were no longer friends. I was cut lose just like that.

Now, I'm no fool. I don't think our Internet chats are something that should be an issue in her marriage or anyone else' for that matter. I mean its not that serious. However, I am bothered that someone would think that I was trying to push up on their wife. I would never do such a thing. I'm kind of honored by it in a sense that he saw me as a threat. Still, my character felt assaulted and so I was bothered.

I'm a bit dumbfounded how an innocent joke about cake turned into beef. I think I know the answer. When I was a kid my best friend told me to never cheat. He said that his own cheating ways had caused him to become paranoid. He started to question everyday behaviors by his girlfriend because he saw his own actions in the works. I think this might be the cause of the overreaction and beef.

In any event, I will press on. I'm a good guy. I know it. I meant no harm. It's just unfortunate that people have to go through bull because of the behavior of others. Every move we make has an impact not only on ourselves but on others. Sometimes those are good. Sometimes, they are bad. It all depends. Life is no piece of cake, but you will have beef.

FAMILY TRAIT

I've been playing close attention to how my uncle and male cousins treat their spouses or significant others. They are very service oriented. They make their plates, their coffee, do the clothes, and when possible they move quickly to meet the desires of their better half. They defer to their partners. If some goes wrong they make it right. They are servants.

My grandfather did the same thing. Prior to his passing he took care of a great deal of business including his own funeral arrangements and that of my grandmother unbeknownst to her. He did many things for his wife even after he loss the use of his legs. He was a lover/servant. This is something that has been caught by the men of my family.

I too served my wife. I did a lot around the house. I did the dishes, the laundry, bathed and clothed the kids, put the kids to bed, made breakfast, did lawn work, took care of the finances, took care of the cars, and anything else I could provide. If my wife asked for it I tried my damnedest to take care of it. I was doing what I knew to be right.

In some ways I feel as though this is a weakness and a downfall of our family men. I think in some ways women don't respect that type of thing. Many want a domineering man that flips the script and demands service from his wife. In some ways I feel that women don't respect a servant style man. I think had I been more harsh I might still have my wife. I'll never really know. I wanted to discard this part of my personality but I can't. I am who I am. After all, it's my heritage, it's a family trait.

FAMILY MATTERS

I am currently enjoying the pleasure of my families company over this holiday season. It is amazing how the family has grown exponentially. Where there were once 3 cousins, there is now 9 from one branch. I have brought two of my own to the party. It has truly warmed my heart to see all of the children interacting and loving one another as family should. Amidst all of this good will I have noticed a difference between some of the children.

Some of the kids are older, some younger, some boys, some girls, some live here, some are visitors. Some are taller, some are smaller, some are thinner, some are fatter. Some are brown, some are light skinned, some even look a tad bit Asian. Some are quiet. Some are loud. Some are just right. Yet, these are not the differences that stand out.

What has stood out is the difference in temperament and response to being told "no." The children with their families in tact (mother, father, same home) seem to be more balanced. There are less tears, less acting out, less tantrums, and the like. On the flip side, those with broken families (single parent home, separation, divorce) appear to have an upswing in poor behavior. This is not to say that they are bad children. What I am saying is that their growth and adjustment has been impacted by the absence of both parents in the home.

I don't think I'm telling people anything they don't already know. Common sense and studies tell us that intact families are the best environment for raising children. I have seen this play out myself as those with both parents in the home in my family have been better off economically, educationally, and socially. There is tremendous benefit to maintaining a traditional family.

I had hoped to provide such a family to my children. I've always felt somewhat less than due to my lack of financial production, the inability to maintain my children's education in private schools, and give them any toys or gadgets they wanted. The one saving grace I had was that I could provide my children with a strong family structure. It is my great regret that I can no longer provide that to my children.

I can love my children hard and well. I can spend a great deal of time with them and teach them all they need to know. Yet, I can not provide the benefits of a mommy and daddy in the home. Some things just can't be replaced. It is unfortunate that this had to take place. I wish I had the strength to put it back together again for their sake. I'm too selfish. Perhaps a stronger man could forgive and move on. I can't. Despite my shortcomings, I hope that I can instill in my children that families matter.

Levels of Existence

I have been having an internal struggle lately. I've been going back and forth on weather what to do with the direction of my life. On one hand I'm quite pleased with my life and the way things are going right now. They're not perfect but I like the feel of things. On the other hand I know something is missing. It's really an issue of what I know to be true and walking in that truth.

I know that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the truth. I know that moral living is the best way to go whether the outcomes are what you desire or not. I know that there are everlasting implications not only for myself but for others based upon how I live. I know that I have gifts that God has given me for his purposes. Yet, I'm not satisfied with what that life has brought me. I'm thoroughly disappointed with the behavior of those in the fold of the Christian family and what has happened in my life.

Plus, to turn back to a life of faithful Christian living would mean some serious lifestyle changes that would impact the "fun" I'm having right now. Some of these changes are major, some not so major. Yet, much like relationships with women I don't know if I have the strength to venture back into the brutal arena of Christianity. I like the carefree living I'm doing right now. I like being able to watch the NFL pre-game shows and see the games from beginning to end without missing a thing. I like not being tied down with church meeting after church meeting with little results to show for my time and efforts. I'm just tired.

Still, I know that I can't keep doing what I'm doing with a clear conscience. I have maintained that my heart isn't in it. That's the Gospel truth cause its not. At least not right now. Yet, I know that I'm missing something. I know that "we were meant for more...but we've lost ourselves" to steal a line from Switchfoot. In the movie, The Matrix Reloaded, there is a statement made that the robots are prepared to go on at a certain "level of existence." This "existence" alluded to something less than abundance. That's kind of where I'm at right now. There are levels of existence I'm prepared to deal with right now. It's hard because I know that there is more...I just don't want to chase it without obtaining it.

This issue has really been on my mind lately. I feel that a return to the faith is the key to the return to my true self. At the same time, I'm seriously fearful of being wholly disappointed again. If I'm completely transparent for a moment I would tell you that I'm still mad at God for what has happened in my life. Why wouldn't he protect me? Why wouldn't he protect my children? I know he could have if he wanted to. That's where I'm at. That's honesty. Diving back into my faith would ring false and folks would know it. What am I to do? Until I can figure it out I guess there are levels of existence I'm prepared for.

Aston Martin Love

One of my favorite songs right now is Aston Martin Music by Rick Ross. I love the melody, the smooth sound of Chrissette Michelle (it helps that she's beautiful), and the multi-talented contributions of Drake, and of course Ross' lyrics. What I really like is the theme of the song.

Aston Martin is a European sports car made popular world wide by the James Bond movies. The care cost roughly $200k. It is the symbol of success for many in the hip hop game. Owning one of these is a clear example of having made it to the pinnacle of your dreams. There is another meaning the symbolism of the car holds in this song. The theme is actually seen throughout hip hop in several different songs. It has something to do with exclusivity.

The exclusivity I speak of is not one of financial accomplishment or status. It is one of relationship. The Aston Martin is a two seater sports car. That means it only holds the driver and one other person-MAX. That is some serious exclusivity. A decision must be made as to who you will open that second seat to. It's a position of honor, importance, significance...love.

I'm hoping to one day be able to regain that type of love and significance in my life. I want to hold that second spot in the two seater in a woman's heart and she in mine. I really believed I was in a two seater with my wife. Turned out I was pushed out of my own car and left sitting on the curb. I was car jacked. Anyway, I digress. I'm hoping to one day celebrate all aspects of the Aston Martin. The success, the money, the relationship, the exclusivity...I want it all. I'm going to push until I have it. I'm tryin' to have that Aston Martin life...that Aston Martin love.

NO STRENGTH

A common recurring question that comes up is "Will you get married again?" I go back and forth on this. There are days when I really want to be married again. I want that feeling of support, security, loyalty, love found in that context. I want to have more children and I think that is best done in the bounds of marriage. Yet, there are other days when I know that I don't have what it takes to do it again. At least, I don't have it right now.

There are times when I am selfish and I know it. I'm not at a place emotionally where I can support the changes that a woman goes through. I don't have it in me right now to deal with the emotional roller coaster that is a woman. I'm dealing with this right now in some respects. My good female friend is not exempt from the emotional ups and downs that come with the beauty of femininity. As such, she had mood swings that require attention. It is during these times that I realize I don't have it in me. I'm selfish. I would rather fall back and wait for the air to clear than to stand and be counted.

I'm worn out. This shows the limitations of my healing at this point in time. I'm good for hanging out. Being affectionate. Supporting goals. I have little patience or stamina for any kind of drama. That will need to be addressed before I go head first into a relationship. I can't be this way in a full blown committed relationship. It's not fair to my partner. It's not healthy for the relationship. It's not good if I want it to last.

I don't know if I can regain this strength. I'm still reluctant and jaded. Being open is not at all where I'm at. I open myself up as much as I would for the general public. I don't do it to the degree I would hope for in a intimate relationship. I hope I can recover in all ways necessary to love again. Right now, I don't have the strength.

HEAT

The sex drive is something else. I have had long periods of time where I have had little to know urge for sexual activity. This isn't to say that I wasn't hot to trot, but that I wasn't feeling that usual drive. I have found this to be a good thing most of the time. If you're not having sex it's nice to not feel the need to have sex. This isn't always the case.

On other occasions, I find that my sex drive is in overdrive. I felt like this in recent weeks. If you can remember shows like Tom and Jerry, Bugs Bunny, and the like you can recall the characters seeing people turn into items of food (like a juicy chicken) when they were hungry. That's how I felt. Everywhere I went I was seeing women in a way that went beyond the normal assessment. I wanted to hit it in the worst way. The urge was overwhelming.

I know this isn't unique to me. Many of my male friends have confirmed that they have experienced such highs on the drive. It feels like fire, desire, passion, in an animalistic way. Some handle this issue by shooting off knuckle children. Others, just let it ride out. And some, go get it till they can't get it anymore. I find that if I can hold off I'm good. If I can get some lovin' even better. Knuckle children bore me to death and are of no help whatsoever.

At the writing of this post I'm feeling pretty cool. I know this won't always be my state of existence. The drive Eb's and flows. Until I can find that regular stream of good loving often found in a committed relationship I'll have to suffer through those high times. Maybe I should lock myself up like people do their dogs? Well, all is not lost....HEAT is good in the winter.

SEX MATTERS

For a long time it has been taught in Christian circles that Sex means the world to men, and not so much for women. As a disciple and dedicated student of the Church (at the time) I believed this hook, line, and sinker. What I have come to find out is that this is not exactly true.

To be certain, sex is at the top of the list for 99.99999999% of men. I can't think of one thing a man would prefer to do given a chance to make love to a woman. On the flip side, this is not often the case for women. But, sex is not far off from things a woman would like to do.

Sex is profoundly connecting for women. It is a relationship/intimacy enhancer. There is an exchange and an unleashing of emotion that connects a woman to her lover in such a way that is is near impossible to break. There appears to be two particular occasions in which this spectacular happening takes place. The first is the "first." The second is the best.

A woman's first lover has such a deep impact upon women that science has shown that women will be led to get involved with men that remind them of their first lover. This includes personality, physicality, etc... The first will never be forgotten, always be an issue, and likely be primary in the mind of a woman. The first is not only the first sexually, but the first love. They hold a special place because this will be the only time a woman has loved a man without having a history of a broken heart. This man may very well destroy a woman for all overs.

The second is the man that finds that "Spot." Sex does matter to women. What seems to matters most in sex is the quality of the experience. If a man is able to connect with a woman on a physical level that unleashed that explosion of pleasure and ecstasy he can almost be guaranteed entry anytime he wants. The quality of the lovemaking experience has a lot to do with skill. It may have even more to do with how the woman views the man.

If the woman has a high amount of respect for the man, if he has captured her heart, if he has "swag," he may have become the best before he has ever touched the woman in that way. It has been said that the greatest sex organ is between a person's ears. I think this is true. If a man can capture the heart and mind of a woman, any bit of physical skill will lock (or open) her up forever. Both the first and the best seem to cause significant ongoing problems for both women and men.

One thing I have come to find is that the first and the best don't seem to last. The first tends to take place so early in life that it is near impossible to proceed long term toward marriage. That's a shot because it guarantees heartbreak and will only add to the struggles of the man that want to love that woman. As for the best, he's typically a gamer and his skill at charming women and making them feel special is too great to be contained to any one woman. He's spreading the love and is rarely tied down...marriage be damned.

These two situations can jack a woman up for life if she doesn't address these issues. It can in turn, jack a man up for life as he is trying to overcome the first experience, the best experience, and pick up the broken pieces of the woman's heart. That's a tall order for any man. Not to mention all the other sexual experiences and heartbreaks and aches that have been compounded along the way. Sex matters to women. Unfortunately, it tends to matter in such a way that it doesn't do them or anyone else much good.

NOW I KNOW...

I have been trying to figure out for a long time what exactly I want to do with my life. Do I want to write books? Do I want to do radio? Do I want to be a public speaker of some kind? Do I want to be a pastor/minister? Do I want to be a public official? Well, I have finally come to a conclusion as far as what I want to do now. I have to laugh about it a bit because it's kind of simple.

It came to me like a moment of clarity. Why do I have to choose between any one of my ambitions? Why not combine them all? Why not become a media conglomerate of "ONE?" I figure I can do most if not all of the things I have placed on the table. I can write, I can speak, I can broadcast, and I can have an impact on the public.

It has always been my desire to have a positive impact upon my community at large. Initially I wanted to do this through social activism. Later, I wanted to impact my community by serving in full time ministry. Now, I see a way that I can do it all. When I tell people I want to do public speaking they often respond by saying that I could easily make something up. This is a disappointing commentary on those that provide such services. I'm not one for fluff or bull. I want to provide something of value to people. Something that goes beyond the moment and will impact them for life. I can do that through each one of these media outlets.

I am currently moving in this direction now. I'm working behind the scenes to find my starting point and get the word out there. If I can pull this off it will be a significant happening, perhaps second only to the birth of my children. I plan on tackling issues such as relationships, morals, politics, manhood, mentoring, spirituality, and more. I think all of these connect to each other. I plan on being a crusader.

It has been my long held belief that my calling is to help people reach their full potential. I must first do this by reaching mine. And so here I go, setting out on a mission to do something great. To do something that will have long lasting impact. To do something that has a scope greater than myself. Now I know what I'm going to do. Now it's time to get to doing it.

3 CHAIRS

If you go out shopping for a dining room or kitchen set you typically will find that they are equipped to seat four people as evidenced by the four chairs. Sometimes due to space, people will only set up 3 chairs with one section of the table placed firmly against the wall. This is not the designers intention for the set but it will suffice. Yet, you always keep the extra chair near by just in case you need it or find that you have more space in the future.

When I look at my dining room set I can't help but recognize that one chair is missing. It wasn't always this way. At one time there were four fully functional chairs. The one chair that is missing was broken the same day my heart was broken. To add insult to injury, one of the remaining chairs, though functional, has some issues. Funny, kind of like me.

The kitchen set my wife took with her to her new place only has 3 chairs as well. This particular chair wasn't broken in one moment but over time. The screws were coming lose unbeknownst to me and by the time I figured it out it was too late, broken. I guess that's similar to my wife. She was breaking and I didn't know it.

Now the 3 chairs are a reminder of what once was, what is, and never again shall be. It is a cruel symbol of how things were meant to be and how things truly are. This is a reflection of much of life. There is a way that things were designed to be, the way they are, and the pain of knowing what will never again be. There are 3 chairs where there should be 4. I lost one.

THIS USED TO MEAN SOMETHING

Today should be the celebration of my 11th wedding anniversary. This day was always special as I would look back on my decision to marry my wife with pride and joy. I used to sit back and think how this day confirmed that I had maid the right decision. This year, I am reminded of just the opposite.

This day was once the most special day of the year for me. It was the mark of the beginning of my own family. The day that I showed my love for another by placing a ring on her finger symbolizing the everlasting love I had for her in hopes of being together for all time. It was to be a monument in the family tree where my descendants would look back and behold our union as the beginning of something great.

Now this day is more like a pariah. A reminder of what was, could have been, and in many ways never was. It is no longer joyous, prideful, or celebratory. It is embarrassing, shameful, and painful. This day has been proven to be a farce. It was make believe in my own mind. I was playing house. Eventually, my wife had to go back home.

I no longer have to concern myself with what to do on this day to show my love and appreciation. I no longer have to arrange for child care. I no longer have hopes of making love throughout the night to as the cherry on top to celebrate my union. I am no longer looked upon by others for strength and as a resource for marriage. It's over. I thought of being facetious and sending a "Happy anniversary" message to my wife. My better judgement retarded that thought. After all, this day doesn't mean a damn thing now.

100

This blog post is monumental for me. It's my 100th post. It is a small accomplishment, but an accomplishment nevertheless. I thought that I might fall off from posting my thoughts on this project. I figured once the anger subsided that my passion for writing on this subject would also subside as well. That has not been the case. This blog has served as a valuable outlet for my thoughts, feelings, opinions, and questions. It has been cathartic.

On the subject of 100, I am just that. The commonly used "100" describes a person keeping it real, being honest, no holds barred. I value honesty and transparency. I'm not interested in misleading people, manipulating people, or tricking people about anything. I've adopted the belief that if you tell the truth you don't have to worry about what you said. I would think that being honest would have high value and serve me well. It hasn't always.

I was recently informed that due to my good guy presentation, being honest, and keeping it 100, actually causes pause about my trustworthiness. I have been told that because I wouldn't be suspected of cheating is the very reason I am suspected of cheating. I had to laugh and yet I was a bit taken aback by the statement. Cant' win for losing.

I know why someone would be concerned about my honesty. Since I was a kid I have always been referenced as a measure or standard for the truth because I was known to be honest even in difficult situations. Many tried to use me to support their lies. I wasn't interested in ruining my rep for their foolishness. I'm not interested in ruining my rep for my foolishness these days either.

I can see how I could use my character and presentation to my advantage for malicious activity. Yet, I never have. What you see is what you get. I'm a nut, a bit eccentric, highly intellectual, honest, nice guy. I'm no more, no less. Despite the fear that my honesty seems to put in the minds of people I will continue to keep it 100.

AIN'T NO GOING BACK

Over the course of the past 12 months I have been asked if I have made any headway with my wife? This question resurfaces over and over again despite my declaration that this union is over. Recently my wife sent me a text stating that she has lost all hope for reconciliation. I replied stating that I lost all hope a long time ago. "I'm a man with pride, ego, and heart. The woman I married died a long time ago as far as I'm concerned."

Most of the people that ask me this question are women. In addition to that, many women I've talked to that know without a shadow of a doubt that their husbands/boyfriends have cheated on them have chosen to stay. This has led me to wonder if men and women are built differently concerning how they handle infidelity? I believe they are.

Many of the women that I've spoken with have various reasons for why they've decided to stay. Many have children to consider. Some have financial responsibilities that they can not maintain without their partner. Some, have settled that all men cheat. That is my grandmother's perspective. She has stated repeatedly over my life that all men cheat. Whatever it is, this staying power doesn't seem to be present in men.

Men don't have a worldview that accepts unfaithfulness on the part of the woman. I think that something to do with the general make-up of both men and women concerning sex. For men, sex is physical...purely physical in most cases. Men are visual beings, easily aroused by what they see, and ready to act at a moments notice. For men, sex is just that sex. The presence of passion and desire aren't always present. Men can have sex and move on like they just shook hands. Nothing more, nothing less. It's true when a man says, "I was just fucking her, I love you." I know it seems impossible but it can be.

Women don't function like this by and large. Certainly, more and more you are seeing women that engage in sex like men and claim they have know emotional effects. I don't believe this is the case for most women. When a woman has sex with a man it's normally because he has captured her heart in some shape or form. It is not a simple fulfilling of physical desire. Instead, it's a connection of emotion, intellect, and body. For women, the giving of their bodies is the giving of their hearts.

The difference between the two sexes is the very source of the problem. Women can deal and recover from the infidelity of a man because of how men engage. It's not that it isn't extremely painful. It's not that it doesn't have lasting, damaging effects on the relationship. It's the fact that if a man has a sex with a woman he is not giving his heart. It's the woman that he's living to live with, support, and suffer with that has caught his heart. Other women are likely just a piece of ass.

If this was the case for women men could probably recover a little better. If women viewed men as just a "dick." A means to an end, then men could probably deal. That simply isn't reality. Truth is, when a woman's gone...she's gone. Once you take it their ain't no coming back. I wish that women would recognize this difference in men and particularly the difference in me. I'm not looking to reconcile. I'm not holding out hope for a reckoning. I'm done. Once she took it there, AIN'T NO COMING BACK.

EPIDEMIC

The journey of my marital relationship has brought me in contact with many different people. Some old. Some young. Some my very age. What has been consistent is the presence of infidelity. Most of those that have shared this painful part of their lives with me have been women. Some have been men. What has surprised me is the incredible numbers of people that have been hit with news that their spouse has been unfaithful.

I have come to find that folks that have been married for decades or more, have strong public appearances, or that are even in ministry have suffered the pain of infidelity. If you watch the news or at all socially conscious you likely have an awareness of the fear that HIV/AIDS will one day become an epidemic. This really hasn't been the case. What has been the case and in growing numbers is the epidemic of infidelity.

Cheating is off the charts. Men lie, women lie. Hell, you have down low folks which is cheating on a whole notha' level. It is as though we have become animals driven by instinct and without thought or logic. There is a hilarious scene in the movie The Five Heartbeats where a man is being encouraged to seek help for his sexual activities. The man's brother, Duck, says, "Hi, my name is JT and I can't control my dick." It was a comical statement on the man's inability to be faithful. I think most the nation could repeat that statement right about now.

Dr. Drew said that he believes people have fallen to a state of being where they struggle with the ability to be intimate in any other way than sexually and therefore they cheat. My therapist stated that people who cheat enjoy the thrill of the adrenaline brought on by the sneaking around. It's addictive, hard to produce in a committed relationship, and fades after time requiring a new lover. Essentially we are becoming more animalistic.

I've never cheated in my life. I've had thoughts, desires, and even dreams. However, I've never hugged a woman, touched a woman, kept a woman's number or met a woman in secret. Cheating is not my thing. This epidemic makes it hard to trust people. It makes it hard to let your heart be free to be open and penetrated by the presence and substance of another. I will always have some level of trepidation concerning relationships.

The cheating epidemic is destroying lives, families, hearts, and future generations. Where is the push to stop this disease? There was a move by President Bush to require marriage counseling before divorces could be granted. I'm not saying the government should mandate such things but the heart of the issue is important. Children are best raised in families. Sex is safest in committed relationships. A change needs to happen and happen quickly. We may be looking at the end of monogamy. I hope not.

HATERS...

I'm not one that talks about "Haters." Truth be told, I hate the whole discussion about haters. I just can't stand the incredible conceit one has to have to think that people are so concerned about their life that they put a great deal of energy into bad mouthing or pulling them down. Another reason I can't stand the "hater" view is that I hear criminals say that people are hating on them for treating them like what they are...CRIMINALS!!!!!

I know that people do have enemies and there are backstabbing people in the world, but folks have taken things to the level of Megalomania. Folks really go around as if they are celebrities and folks just can't wait to get a piece of them. I remember my boss used to ask me what one of my co-workers (equal in rank) did? I couldn't answer the question because I don't watch other people like that. I do my job and pay attention to those things that fall in that sphere. I'm not looking to hate, hype, or kiss ass.

So, I say all that so I can say this; I HAVE HATERS!!!! I know it seems rather hypocritical but it's true. I was recently having a conversation with a friend of mine that amply told me that I was clearly discriminated against while we were both serving at the same organization. He told me that he would recommend me for leadership roles or as a presenter and time after time he would hit a brick wall. He said he was perplexed as to why folks were so down on me...and he came to the conclusion it was my educational background.

This isn't the first time I've been hated against. I was passed over for a promotion by one of my employers and amply placed on the shit list due to a hater. Turns out that my competition wasn't just promoting herself, she was taking credit for my work and planting seeds that I didn't do jack. Nice combo. She was promoted to oversee a $14 million facility while I was threatened with losing my job. I didn't find out till it was all too late.

My last example comes from my previous place of employment. I was asked to meet with one of the high ups from headquarters. I was honest, open, and shared my opinion concerning material needs and suggestions. The higher up thanked me for my time and went on her way. She met with several other employees before a meeting was held with the administration. It was reported to me that my supervisor specifically asked what I said? They said she never inquired about anyone else. This same woman would have me investigated for alleged threats against her. Never happened. HATER!!!!

Apparently, I'm the type of person that you either lover or hate. No middle ground. People are often surprised when they hear that someone doesn't like me. I'm equally surprised. Not cause I'm so great, but because I treat people with respect. I can remember a man jokingly telling me once, "I don't like you. You know why? Cause your too nice." Story of my life. I guess I'll have to curtail my hate for the "hater" discussion. They are real. They are out there. And they are hating on you.

QUANTUM PHYSICS

Years ago I was at a conference and the speaker talked about quantum physics. Now, I'm no scientist so if this is wrong please feel free to correct me. As I understand it, quantum physics simply put is the theory that every action has an impact greater than the action alone. For example, a butterfly fluttering it's wings in Africa will produce a wind that will be eventually felt on the other side of the world.

I bring this up because I think of how we don't realize the impact our actions have individually and collectively on our world. My wife's actions and assault on our marriage continues to have an ever expanding negative impact on my world. My wife's actions have resulted in the destruction of our marriage, the painful splitting of parents for my children, and ever unfolding financial impact.

The impact on my children is the greatest of all these. My son and daughter have been impacted emotionally in more ways than I know. It shows in their behavior, academic performance, and emotional outburst when I have too leave them. I hope and pray that this won't negatively impact the rest of their lives, but I know there will be some residue. My wife's butterfly flutter has turned into a full blown tsunami.

Financially, I am in danger of losing my home, credit shot to hell, the declaration of bankruptcy, and who knows what else. I saw this one coming from a mile a way. She said she didn't care when she left. Apparently, she forgot that she didn't care because now she's pissed that she too will need to declare bankruptcy if I can salvage this ship. Hey, choices have consequences.

Psychologically, there is an impact as well. My psychological fall out was quick, fast, and explosive. I often survey the mentally ill patients I treat daily and think to myself, "I was very close to being here." Thankfully, things didn't go as far as they could have but I was on my way. On my wife's end I hear that she is suffering horribly. I won't list her issues but they are concerning. I'm mad as hell but I don't wish ill will upon her. After all, she is the mother of my children.

These are just a few of the things that are starting to come to fruition as we creep up on a years anniversary. I know there is more to come. I'm prepared for this. What I'm not prepared for is what will happen to my kids. They are showing resolve but this should have never happened to them. Remember, every action has an equal reaction...and sometimes more.

RAW EMOTION

I know I've mentioned my respect and appreciation for the work of 2Pac. I love his lyrical wizardry. He was an MC that was both substantive and entertaining. Pac had the good fortune of tight beats and good publicist. No doubt, he's one of the greatest rappers of all time. I used to think that Pac was confused. He would make songs like "Brenda's Got a Baby," a conscious song about teenage pregnancy, abuse, and neglect. Then he turns around and makes song like, "Thug Life," a song promoting criminal behavior. I've come to change my mind a bit.

Pac may have in fact been as real as one can get. His mixed group of songs was a lyrical representation of the reality each and everyone of us experience daily. His songs showed all sides of the human Psyche, struggle, doubts, triumphs, desires, hopes, and dreams. He was no more confused than anyone of us. Not only did he reflect this lyrically but he did so vocally. There was no doubt that Pac was feeling his work as you hear him strain with rage and anger. He was raw emotion.

I can relate to Pac now. My writings are thoughts and emotions captured in print of my current mood and mindset. I spill my hopes and dreams, pains and struggles, beliefs and doubts, right here on this blog. A distant viewer might think I'm confused. And, to be honest, sometimes I am. But more than confused I'm real. I have ups and downs. Highs and lows. Good days and bad days alike. You get a peek at my heart every time I write. I'm not crazy. I'm human.

It is rare that people ever get to see the raw emotion I possess. It is often shown in those rare times of anger and frustration. It can be explosive. Some people are scared by it because it's so out of character for me. At times, I scare myself. This isn't something that happens often but when it does it's bad. I also have to pull in my raw comedic emotion at times as I have been known to go to far.

If you take time to go through my earlier writings you will see that there is an explosion of anger and cynicism on the front end. I was just putting what I felt out there. As time has gone on things have improved...a little...and my writings are slightly more balanced. This is real. This is life. This is me. Certainly, I haven't spilled everything on this blog. Some things have to be held close to the vest. Not that I'm ashamed of my thoughts, but I don't know that folks are ready for full blown me.

Writing is my outlet. It's where I can bounce my thoughts off the cyber wall and see what I have. It's where I can yell and scream without consequence. This is where I can be confused, encouraged, angry, irreverent, and outright ignorant if I so desire. This is my place of raw emotion.

UNIQUE DATES

I have long been thinking of things to do on dates that would be slightly out of the norm and yet fun and interesting. I'm generally a dinner and movie guy. I love food, I love movies...makes sense to put the two together. Yet, that can get played out. Especially for someone that isn't into movies like that. I have compiled a number of dates that I think might be off the beaten path:

1. An Evening of learning how to BBQ: I love BBQ and love to learn about it. I thought this interactive, cooking, tasting, learning, experience would be something different. Hey if it bombs I still got to learn something and eat something. Those are important.

2. Touring a Brewery: I'm a big fan of beer. I'm not a drunk. Sometimes I go weeks without having a sip of brew. But, if the mood is right I'm having at least one before bed on most days. I really would like to take a tour of a brewery one day. I'm in luck cause one is close to where I live. I'm the type of guy that likes to learn things for the sake of knowing and experiencing it. Who wants to see a brew?

3. Making my own Brew: Since I'm on the brew tip already I might as well become a brew master while I'm at it. There is a place or two or three in my area that teaches you how to make your own brew. One place let's you age, name, and label your own brew. You could call it, "Knocking the Brews." Which is what you hope to do if the date goes well.

4. Wine Making: I'm not a big wine drinker but I know women tend to be a fan. Plus, as a kid I remember my grandparents making their own wine. It was delicious! Oh, and there is one of those around my home as well.

5. A trip to the Vineyard: I'm not talking about Martha's Vineyard, though that would be nice. I'm talking about an actual trip to a vineyard. There happens to be one within half an hour of my home. Not great for the winter time, but a good spot to hit nonetheless. You can wine and dine in a beautiful setting. How many men are doing that at a Vineyard?

6. All Fired UP: All Fired Up is the name of a company that allows you to fashion your own pottery in their store. I thought this would be cool. You get to shape, mold, bake, and paint your own pottery. If you're an artsy type this could work for you.

7. Trip to the Museum: This might be a little difficult cause I'm not talking about your run of the mill museum. I'm talking about going to a Psychology Museum where you can see the mid-evil treatment of the insane. Or, a Sex Museum...I don't know what you would find there but I'm sure it will be fun. And of course, you could try the Madame Tussauds Wax Museum. These dates would be advanced for some but I think it would be worth it.

8. The Football Hall of Fame: If you are lucky enough to be with a woman that loves football this would be a great place to go for a date. Lot's of history, lots to talk about, some interactive activities, and food. If you know this woman, marry her...NOW!

9. Safari: If your woman is an animal lover you might want to make a trip to a local wildlife safari. These spots are fun. You get to see animals you normally wouldn't in a setting that is slightly different from the zoo. You can feed the animals, watch presentations and events, and hang out. This could be a winner.

10. Shop Talk: You may want to opp for a nice quaint evening at your local coffee shop. This is a nice place to kick back, relax, and get to know your date a little better. I like this option because it allows you to take time getting to know the person. You shouldn't be talking at the movies so you might spend time with a person and not know them anymore than you did at the beginning of the night.

11. Sporting Event: Hey, if you can get your woman to go to a baseball, basketball, or football game I highly recommend it. Basketball games have all types of activity going on so even if you're not a sports fan you will likely be entertained. Football can be good too if the whether is right. Baseball can provide a nice scenic, laid back atmosphere where you can talk and enjoy an event at the same time.

These are some of the things I've come up with. I have more but I will spare you for now. Let me know your ideas. I'm always looking for new things to do.