This has been one of the best weeks of my life. There are so many good things happening. Don't get me wrong, things ain't perfect, but they are good. I love my new job. I don't love it cause it's new. I love it because of the people and the tremendous opportunities to learn and grow before me.
I have an opportunity to become an independently licensed therapist within the next year. That means more opportunity and money. I also have an inside track for scholarship funds to pursue a second masters degree that could blow the doors wide open for me to work in my respective field. That means more money and opportunity.
I also met with my supervisor for an hour and a half. We talked faith, family, finance, education, outreach...etc... At the end he said, "I have thoroughly enjoyed this. I can tell you are going to have a great impact..." It's nice to be wanted. It's even better when you have the ears and eyes of your boss and you can produce. You know what that means? More money.......more opportunity.
To top it all off I was in a position to help people out in various ways. There is nothing more exhilarating than helping others. It truly is better to give than to receive. If I had a choice between giving and taking, I'm taking the give option every time.
Life is still hard and in some ways I'm still struggling. However, life is grand. Life is good. You have to learn to enjoy the big and little things in life. Take advantage of those things in your control. Pray on those things that aren't. And enjoy the life God has given you.
I just so happened to be watching Rocky tonight before I wrote this post. The Rocky movie franchise is famous for the Song, "Getting Strong NOW." It's quite motivational in it's composure and lyrical content. I dare you to hear the horns kick in followed by the chorus and not get pumped, if not but for a moment.
Strength is needed in all areas of life. You need to be strong physically, financially, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, socially, etc... Most of the time we view strength by show of incredible power (i.e. the utter destruction of one entity by another). This isn't always the case. Sometimes, strength is derived from the recovery from destruction.
I started lifting weights because after breaking my hand (knuckles, hand, and wrist) I was incredibly weak. I had no strengh, no range of motion, and no stamina (a reflection of my life). When they removed the cast my hand looked like it had been mummified. It was wilted, dry, and discolored. I would come to find how weak my hand was when I tried to break up a fight and couldn't hold one of the aggressors back.
In any event, I have come to find that through my exercise regiment to regain strength I have grown stronger than ever before. I am lifting more weight than ever in all aspects and I haven't even gotten to a max weight level yet. I am gaining strength and endurance in all muscle areas. I have turned a weakness into a strength far beyond that of my previous pre-injury state.
It is my hope that as I seek to put the pieces of my life together that I will find a strength far greater than what my life possessed pre-brokenness. I believe when all is said and done I will find myself emotionally, spiritually, physically, intellectually, and even financially stronger. It is interesting that the moment of greatest muscle growth comes when the muscle feels fatigued and weak. Might this be the path of gaining strength in all of life?
When I was in college I had an encounter my freshman year that has always slightly disturbed me and has never left my mind. Being new to the college scene my head was ready to explode with the plethora of fine women available. Don't get me wrong, I knew fine women growing up, but the concentration of them in one place was much greater.
There were women to the left of me. Women to the right. They were of all ethic backgrounds, shapes, sizes, colors, cultures. It was incredible. Being exposed to so many options I figured I would take my chances and go for the gusto. I spotted this fine young thang from Peru. She was gorgeous. I said to myself, "Why not go for her?" That was mistake number one.
Being a nerd like I was (and still am) I figured I would go for some smooth tv type shit that would knock her off her feet. So, I came up with a plan to use my literary skill and wow her with poetry. It was fool proof! What girl doesn't go head over heals for that stuff? Oh yes, I know...girls that live in the real world. I did write the poem. But, it needed a test run before I would present it to the new found woman of my dreams.
I took the work to a dorm mate in my building and asked her if women enjoyed poetry. She agreed that it would work (and I found out why a little later). As time would show, this young lady thought I was hitting on her. Since she was already in a relationship she had a "let down" speech prepared for me to kick me to the curb in a gentle manner.
Needless to say, her speech was uncomfortable for the both of us. It wasn't until half way through that I realized that she was shutting me down. Problem was, it wasn't her I was after. She went from considerate, to embarrassed, to offended. She told me that my wife would have a tough time with me because I was a flirt and she couldn't tell the difference. I denied this and said I was just a nice guy (more on that later).
Unfortunately, she was right on both counts. My wife did have a tough time with being married to me, as she accused me of flirting with just about every woman I've ever worked with, and I am a flirt. I came to the conclusion a few days ago that I am a flirt. It's part of my natural charm and interaction with people. I listen to women, I joke, and I press the limits of acceptable conversation at time. Since it's masked in the joke it doesn't have the abrasive effect some might expect. It's my personality not an intentionally used tool for picking up women.
I have come to accept that I'm funny, witty, and engaging. It's sad that this has had such a negative impact on my relationship. I'm funny, witty, and engaging with men as well but it is taken in a completely different way. As I always say, knowing the truth is the first step to addressing the issue. I'm a flirt. Where I go from here I don't know. At least I can admit that much at this time.
The power of femininity Brings a man to his knees Stuck in his thoughts Invades his dreams
Apart from you, what would true love be Would there be beauty Would there be passion Could a man be moved without her taking any action
Could a man be fulfilled Could a man be satisfied Others may have the look of a woman But something is missing inside
It’s insight, wisdom, depth… The power to enter a room Steal the moment Take their breath It’s amazing.. Though it’s happened before Every time feels new as never before
The beauty of your smile The suculance of your lips The thickness of your thighs The sway in your hips
The softness of your skin The sweet scent you leave in the air The depth of spirit seen through your eyes The way you wear your hair
It’s how you long to be adored Your mind, body, and soul explored
You are a new world Wondrous and free Though quite liberal It’s hard for a man to get free
So what is a man to do What I have said doesn’t come close To describing what’s truly precious…what’s most
I could explore your entire body Sight, smell, touch Taste your varied flavors Savor it oh…so much
For what you have is intangible Can’t be seen, smelled, or touched It’s femininity Your femininity It’s overwhelming… Too much
We live in an age of smoke and mirrors. People show you one person when you meet them and another when you get to know them. Folks go to interviews and have all the right answers only to show you that they really don't want to work after they've gotten the job. Politicians, products, and movies promise you one thing and provide you with something much less. The relationship game is no different.
I can't tell you how many men and women I've come across claiming to be single only to find out that they are not single in the truest sense. Some have an F-Buddy. Some have a man or woman. Even worst, some are engaged. That is just dishonest. You might say, "But hey, you say you're single when you are legally married."
That statement is true. The difference is that I put all the cards on the table. I tell folks what the deal is from the jump. I have nothing to hide cause I'm not playing games. I have no interest in malice. No desire to mislead. That makes all the difference in the world. To be clear, I don't introduce myself that way. However, I do make my situation and intentions crystal clear.
I think about how this plays out all the time. If I meet a woman that I'm interested in there is a good chance she's doing some guy(s) on the side just for kicks. God help me. That ain't cool. When does a woman decide to clear the path for a sincere man in pursuit? And, men don't move on so easily. We tend to have a sense of ownership if we're getting the booty. This is a set up for mess and the destruction of what may be a promising relationship.
On the flip side, men won't let go of their booty calls so easily. And, neither will the "booty call." Women may say that they are cool with just getting down but nine times out of ten they're hearts are going to get caught up. And, why shouldn't it. It's a painful thought to be treated good enough for a sexual fix, but not good enough for commitment. Damn, that hurts.
This will be the last thing I say on this issue right now. Wouldn't you feel betrayed if you found out the person you were dating had multiple sex partners on the side? Wouldn't that give you pause? Does that speak stability or is it a sign of things to come? Make it easy on yourself. If you're single then be single. If you're not then be honest. Enough is enough.
There is a tone of television shows I don't watch anymore now that I'm single. Trying to connect with the wife I watched a lot of stuff I have come to find I'm just not into now that she's gone. I will try to list them for you below:
America's Next Top Model
This is a show I would have never watched had it not been for my wife. I don't even know what channel it comes on. When she was here I would be stuck watching the marathon all day long on a Saturday. If I was going to spend time with her I had to spend time with it. Tyra's fine and all, but she ain't that damn fine. This show has been replaced with a healthy dose of college football.
Iron Chef America
I'm a food lover but I haven't turned this show on in months. Heck, I forgot that it even existed. I'm no chef and my dreams of being a judge are long gone. It's a competition, but it ain't a sport. So I'm out.
The Next Food Network Star
Among girly type shows it was cool. But, it ain't for me. I like Bobby Flay but he's on Food Network overload. The only real star to come off of the show has been Guy Fieri. He's the man. I'm not interested in watching the Next Food Network bust.
Biggest Loser
This is a great show. I highly enjoy watching it. However, I have no clue when it comes on or what channel it is on. It's a inspiring and entertaining hour of tv. I just don't have a compass that leads me that way anymore.
Law & Order: SVU
This is another great show. Again, I don't have a clue where one would find this show. My wife used to watch this all the time when she couldn't find anything else to watch on TV. It's a cool show but I have no evidence or trail to when it comes on.
Fox News in General
I was a news/information nut in the past. One of my wife's complaints was that I was too conservative and too political. That might be. I didn't give up Fox News based on that. I just couldn't take anymore reality of the world's troubles when my own personal life was going down in flames. I haven't returned as I still can't take much more than I already know.
Something about a hair Salon
That's not the name of the show. Hell, I don't know what the shows name was. Nor do I care. What I do know is that some English chick with bleach blond hair would come in and turn a failing business around. If you've seen it once you've seen em' all. This might be something the gay friend does. That ain't me.
Cheaters
Funny show. However, that shit ain't funny when it's you being cheated on. Can't stand to watch that type of thing anymore. You could add The Best Man to this section as well. Too painful.
Real Housewives
Pick any one of these housewives' shows. I was never really fealing it as I am not a fan of watching wealthy people create drama and get paid for doing so. The only thing more pathetic than my life is helping other people get paid by watching them live theirs on TV. Some snap shots were funny. However, these shows don't hold enough weight to keep me seated in front of the TV.
Man Vs. Food
This is one of my favorite shows. I don't turn the channel off of sportscenter so I wouldn't know it was on. I would one day like to replace this guy. If this workout thing to pan out I might have to go that route. This has little connection to my wife accept for the fact that I haven't seen it since she left.
There are more shows I'm sure. I just can't remember them. Rightly so, I wasn't on it from the jump. It is nice to watch what I want when I want. A small consolation considering the price. Hey, you find those silver linings where you can.
Loneliness has stricken every one of us at some point in time. As the saying goes, "You can be in a room full of people and still be lonely." Loneliness is not about a lack of company, but a lack connection. All too often, people feeling lonely become desperate. They grab the first person they see that is available and they "think" they can stand. This is a terrible mistake. What people have come to find is that they remain lonely and now they have a problem on their hands.
IT'S SENSIBLE
Please hear me clearly on this point. I am not saying that you should throw common sense to the wind when it comes to choosing a mate. What I am saying is that you have to have more than a "sensible" decision for a lifetime partner and lover. You need to have some level of passion. So many people have gone old school and married a person because they made sense. They had their life together, they were a good person, they seem like a (dare I say it) nice guy. Although things make sense they won't end well. Passion doesn't last forever and love needs to mature. However, passion is the glue and the bridge to that more mature love.
SEX
I know I just said that you need to have passion in your romantic life to make it work, but SEX can not be the primary reason for moving forward in a relationship. It's nice if a person can rock your world and leave you sore in a good way. But, you need much more than that to make a real go at a successful relationship. Intimacy has to go beyond just the physical. That too will wear out.
There is another side of sex that must be addressed. For those that are seeking to live by God's Word and hold off on sex till marriage (a noble and healthy decision) this needs to be addressed as well. These types of folks feel the pressure and desire for sex that it becomes overwhelming at some point. Hence they make a decision, largely motivated by sex drive, to get hitched so they can have wild monkey sex and feel no guilt. Not a good idea...need I say more.
AGE
The song Let's Get Married by Jagged Edge had a horrible message in it. There is a line that says, "We ain't gettin' no younger, we might as well do it." That is not sensible at all. It wreaks of desperation and will certainly set you on a course for disappointment. There is a natural maturity that comes with age and a person may come to realize that they want to settle down and start a family. That's cool. Doing it cause the AARP is sending you mail...not a good idea.
KIDS
Although I think marriage is a good move for families as a whole and children in particular, it's not the best solution to unplanned pregnancy. If people were dedicated to the institution of marriage and really working on the relationship to raise their kids in a stable home that would be wonderful. However, people just aren't. Instead, kids will be exposed to a poor relational environment where parties feel resentment toward one another and eventually end in separation and divorce. This would be additional pain for all involved.
MONEY
I am a fan of money. As life has been set out before me, I have not been able to obtain it in the way I'd hoped yet. I stress the word "YET." In fact, I am on the look out for a female sponsor of sorts (that's another story). Despite my own desires to be Mr. Mom, money is not a good reason for hooking up. Eventually one party feels used. Another feels cheap. Both hate each other and could end up broke.
COMPETITION
This might sound ridiculous, but competition is a major issue among women in particular. I know of a real life story where two women were fighting over the same man. One won (if you can call it winning) and one lost. The one that won married the man. Turned out to be an abusive relationship. The woman would come to realize she never knew or loved the guy. It was all about competition. This type of thing might happen to men, but not nearly as much as it does women.
CAUSE YOU WANT TO
If you hook up with some one on the sole basis of wanting to that is a bad omen. It's not about love. It's not about marriage. It's not even about your "mate." It's about you. The person you are hooking up with is just the final piece to your puzzle. A self centered relationship is no relationship at all. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
I have to wonder about my sexuality. Maybe, I'm gay. Such a question doesn't come from an attraction to men or lack of attraction for women. There is no stimulation when it comes to man on man love. Can't see it, can't imagine it...it's just not for me.
However, I have wondered if I am gay and just don't know it? I've been seeing fat (fatter than me) guys with fine women. I've seen sloppy guys with fine women. I've seen dirty looking men with fine women. I've seen men that look like they are homeless with fine women. Yet, I see myself right where I am...alone. Maybe I'm gay.
I have also come to find that women love to talk to me. They like to share about their relationships, their lives, the shows they like, etc... And, they tell me I'm a great listener and they love talking to me. That ain't the typical activity of a man. I might be gay.
In addition to those two items, I have started to read what I categorize as "Black Love" novels. These books are all about relationships and drama. Although the books are written by men you know they are marketed toward women. I read them cause the stories are interesting and I think they provide insight into what women are looking for (fantasy). However, my enjoyment of the novels might raise the question; Am I gay?
Well, I know the answer to the question of homosexuality is a clear no. I love women in every facet and sense. I'm not a homophobe by any stretch of the imagination but it ain't the lifestyle I'm endorsing. Above all, I have a sex drive that would put Ron Jeremy to shame. A man would only crush any arousal present in my body. I know I'm a manly man, a heterosexual man, a "No Entrance" man. But...my current struggle with the opposite sex leaves me to wonder if they know something I don't....
No good deed goes unpunished. Last night I was at the store and I wrote a check for cash back. The cashier gave me $20 to much. I didn't realize this until I was out the door and pumping gas in my car. I wrestled with my conscience and made the decision to take the money back. It wasn't a ton of cash, but who doesn't like an extra 20.
I gave the money back with the thought that I was doing the right thing and that God would bless me doing the right thing. Boy, it appears that I was mistaken. I went to my old job today to pick up my last paycheck and they don't have it. In fact, they don't know where the check is or if there even is one. I am royally screwed.
Things have been tight since the Mrs. left. Trying to maintain the cost of a home and all the travel to see my kids, plus back to school purchases and what not has left me flat busted. This was supposed to be the check that put me back on my feet and get me on the right track. Instead, it's looking like I'm bout to be deep in a whole without a ladder to climb.
It is likely that my account will be hit hard with overdraft fees. That type of thing could set a brotha way back. It's the type of thing that turns minor purchases in to major ones. It was recommended that I obtain a payday loan but the fees are equal. It ain't a pretty picture.
The thing that pisses me off the most about all this is that I didn't do anything wrong. All my paper work was correct. My time was right. I should have gotten paid like any other payday. But, as life has seen fit, I'm destined for destruction. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I'm sure the title is shocking to some but please allow me to explain. I have recently been reunited with my late teens/early adulthood through the media of music. A friend of mine has hooked me up with almost all of the Tupac collection. As I get reacquainted with the music I have come across one of my favorite songs, I'd Rather Be your N-I-G-G-A.
The song, performed by Tupac and Richie Rich, is a comparison between being a woman's man and being a "NIGGA." Let me be clear that the term "Nigga" used in this sense is not about race or color, but behavior and approach. The song opens up with Tupac stating, "I don't want to be her man...I want to be her Nigga!" Contained in that one sentence is world of issues.
The "Man" in this song is the good guy. This is the one that has made a commitment. He is seeking to pursue a real relationship complete with commitment, support, comfort, dates, etc... This is the man that's doing the hard work of relationship. On the flip side is the "nigga."
The "nigga" is not about commitment, support, love, or relationship. The "nigga" is about fucking, plain and simple. Double R (Richie Rich) has a line that says, "Your man wines and dines, but we wine and grind." The song is a statement that a man that seeks out true love is soft and something less than a man. It even indicates that the hurtless lover is more proficient at the skill of intimate touch.
So, the sensible person might think that a woman would examine the two parties and make a wise decision and choose the man over the nigga. Not so. I have been eye witness to nigga after nigga getting the goods while the man gets taken. I have even seen this by educated, well to do, women. White, Black, and other alike. It's kind of senseless.
It has been suggested to me that "nigga" like relationships are adrenaline based and provide an extra kick that people like to have. It's the excitement of being one of many and sneaking around. It's the thrill of trying to nail down a man that is more like jello than wood. It is the unwinnable challenge before them of taming the wild beast-The nigga. These relationships are not sustainable and won't mature beyond the bedroom activity.
I get the thrill of it all. These guys are kind of like today's Cowboys. They're wild, unpredictable, tough, rugged...what people think of when they think of some of the attributes of men. However, it's like doing crack. Sure, there's a major high at first and then there is life destroying suffering to follow: Ad-Dick-tion. There will be pain. There will be suffering. And, there will be regret.
Nevertheless, niggas seem to win out daily. A man that puts little effort into building a relationship, because he's not, while getting the benefits. The plea of Tupac has gone from a suggestion to the norm of life. It is assumed that women are done for such activity. And, I have seen too many women prove it right.
I will have to combat this trend by coming out with, "I'd rather be your M-A-N." I don't know if it will have the same edge and appeal, but something has to be done. It will likely come off more like "Swagger Wagon." That would be counter productive. Hey, if you can't beat em, join em. I'd rather be your N-I-G.....
I grew up in love with Baseball. The story goes that my mother took me to a major league game at the age of 3. She says I stood the entire time and never sat down during the course of the game. I was in love with baseball from the start.
As I grew up I would play baseball. Sometimes I would play on 2 or even 3 teams at a time. I wanted to play the game as long as I could. Truth be told, I wanted to be a major league player and later in life a manager. It was my first love.
Since I was always a big strong kid I was often the clean up hitter. Now, if you don't know what the clean up hitter's job is let me tell you. The clean up hitter is typically the number 4 hitter in the line-up. They are expected to "clean up" after the players that have gone before them. It is a position of honor in baseball. It means that you have power and can hit in the clutch.
Although this is a great honor in baseball, it's a bad place to be in relationships. The clean up hitter in relationships would be the man that comes along to clean up the mess left behind by all the "playas" that came before him. This works out for some men and women. In such cases women have made the needed changes to their lives and have prepared themselves for a good man. However, many haven't.
The clean up man of relationships have to be strong. It is a place of honor if the man can pull it off. It's no easy place to be. The damage done by those before him can be insurmountable at times. A history of bad relationships can leave a tsunami emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and even physical damage. As hard as a man may try he may not be able to erase what was left behind in the aftermath of relationships. When you add that damage to the already present highs and lows of women's emotions it can be much too much.
I don't have the strength for this type of activity anymore. I don't want to do it. I think this type of thing is what destroyed my marriage and I don't want to go down that road again. Please here me. Women are more than worth the effort. They deserve better than they have gotten or accepted. I'm just saying I don't think I can be the one.
This puts me in one hell of a predicament as most women my age have been through the fire. Even if I were to dip by a decade or more I'd be in trouble because of how early people are engaging in significant emotional and physical relationships. To top it off, I'm asking for something I am not. It's a tough road to ho. I might change my mind. For now, I want to be the lead off guy.
If you have read any of my previous post you know full well my struggles with the desires of the flesh (not that I've been fighting them, but that I haven't been able to fulfill them). I remember talking to a friend of mine, a pastor, about how I would handle the loss of physical touch when my wife left (physical touch had ceased prior to her leaving). His response was, "Today has enough evil of it's own." Essentially, he was staying away from that question.
I was thirsty in a major way from the start. There was no relief. I had been faithful to my wife, had not set up any fall backs, and to make matters worse, I'm not from here. Therefore, options were few to none. I was bitter, I wanted revenge, and I wanted to get down with the get down as soon as I could.
Along the way I returned to my conscience and decided that trying to be a player was not the life for me. Even more than that I came to the realization that, "I shall not be mastered by anything." I won't be mastered by my sexual appetite. I won't be mastered by my pain. I won't be mastered by my circumstances. I won't be mastered.
Don't get me wrong. I haven't found some magic cure to desire. Nor have I gotten to a mind over matter situation. I'm simply saying that I won't be controlled by my instincts like some wild animal. Since making this decision I have found that things have cooled. I'm not chomping at the bit to get it. Freedom is good. I will have no master...neither should you.
Alcohol is a dangerous substance. It is known clinically as the most widely used drug in America. It takes a physical toll on the body that few drugs can compare to. It gives wimps courage. It makes frigged women as warm as a pizza oven. It is thought to be a truth serum. It is the beverage of celebration and regret. In the words of Rick James Ala Dave Chapelle, "It's a hell of a drug!"
I myself have my own concerns with alcohol. I have a family history of alcohol abuse that could single handedly support the industry (must be the Irish in my family). Drinking in my family is a rite of passage. I was given the green light for consuming party beverages at age 16. Boy, were my friends jealous.
My life's path has not allowed me to consume alcohol as the rest of my folks do. I was told by one family member that I was weird for not doing so. Consequently, I went about a decade with minimal to no consumption. I can remember being at a family reunion standing before tables of alcohol (including a hotel tub filled to the brim with ice and bottles) and wishing I was a drinker just so I could take advantage of the liquid buffet.
All this has changed with the recent happenings of life. I was drinking heavy at first for the purpose of escape. I then began to drink for the purpose of sleep. Couldn't buy sleep for the life of me. Alcohol was always dependable. Out of fear of becoming an alcoholic I had to give it a rest. I still indulge socially, but not like I was.
Despite the aforementioned issues, none of those are my concern about alcohol use. My concern has to do with the arousal. I have noticed that when I consume alcohol i have a strong urge to merge. It's strange. I'm not talking about the lowering of inhibitions and the courage to approach women. I'm talking straight arousal and an internal drive greater than the norm. It's a bit concerning as I am trying not to become a dog.
As a man, the drive is bad enough all on its own. With the help of alcohol putting the drive on steroids it may be unbearable. I don't want to be the typical man so I guess I need to steer clear of the booze. I'll have to pray that God take the taste out my mouth. If not, come what may.
Yesterday was the first time I shared space with my wife since she left our home. We made no eye contact. We did not share a greeting. It was a strange experience. One I was not completely prepared for. It was like seeing a ghost. I treated her as such.
It was a wedding that had brought us to this meeting place together. The people involved in the ceremony share our love and so we put aside our beef to celebrate the joy of others. The experience was surreal. Her family was warm and welcoming in the way they had always been. They greeted me. Hugged me. Told me they were glad to see me. It was almost like old times. However, something was very different.
I didn't sit in the section reserved for the family. I no longer count myself as family. It is not that I regard my in-laws as anything less. It's just that I feel that I am intruding upon the property (family) of my estranged wife. They were hers first and I don't want to make that uncomfortable for her.
My nieces and nephews (in-laws) rushed to hug me and tell my how they have been. During the ceremony my niece hugged my arm as she laid her head on my shoulder. It was comforting and endearing. I felt their love. The kids even asked if they could go with me after the ceremony. I had to deny their request as relations between myself and their mother have become strained through this process.
I did a good job of ignoring my wife. I sat, enjoyed the service, and celebrated the love of others. Treating my wife as dead has been one way I have coped with the pain of the loss. After all, even if she is alive in body, the person I married is no longer there. It's hard to believe that one who proclaimed their love and dedication could do such harm and be the same person.
While I was moving through the receiving line she stood with her family toward the end. I did my best to avoid her but as we walked she darted out in front of me (it happened during a moment of horse play between her and her cousin). I made a turn on a dime and moved through quickly without so much as a sound.
When the ceremony was complete I gave a hug to the bride and groom. I told them I loved them and that I was proud of them. My wife's shell was sitting directly behind them. I turned my back to her as I spoke. I moved through the sanctuary as I came, alone. I thought I would have more of a desire for reunification upon seeing her. There wasn't. There was sadness. There was joy. There was pain. This is a sign of things to come. This is to be expected when I see her. Absent of the festivities, I imagine it will be sadness and pain present...joy when I depart.
Yesterday I had the privilege of attending a beautiful wedding with great and deserving people. During the ceremony the officiating pastor stated that there are to be no more secrets from this day forth. She repeated the statement. I thought to myself if only they will heed her warning.
It was the secrets that destroyed my marriage. It was the secret that my wife didn't love me. It was the secret that my wife had found another. It was the secret that she didn't know why she married me from the start. It was the secret that she was calling, texting, thinking of, and meeting with another.
If only people would be honest from the start they could avoid so much grief, so much shame, so much embarrassment and mess. I'm honest and up front about my thoughts and intentions. I am often thought of as crass or cruel for my honesty. I often think, "Who's really the cruel one here?"
Is up front honesty cruel compared to hidden desire, passion, and plans that destroy a family, children, friends...a man? Is it more cruel to allow people to go on as though things are normal when in fact things are out of place? I often think about people who call themselves friends and allow you to walk around with boogies hanging from your nose or your pants stuck in your socks (or some other embarrassing thing that could easily be fixed) without saying a word. Isn't that cruel?
Honesty is not cruel. Certainly, it can be presented in a manner that is destructive. It will have that effect if that is one's intentions in sharing it. One must use tact when presenting the truth. On the other hand, the truth can serve as the first step to healing, to change, to health.
If people tell the truth in their relationships at all times they will find them to be more healthy, more fulfilling, more of what they hoped for and wanted. So much pain can be avoided with the truth. There may be pain at the beginning. It will be nothing close to the pain at the end if you allow secrets to grow and fester. This is so even in your relationship with yourself.
Looking at one's self can be the most difficult thing of all. Who wants to be honest about poor intentions, destructive desires, selfishness, etc...? It's hard to do. Trust me, you will be a much better person if you find the strength to do so. You can only address the issues when they are plainly stated. How foolish do we look when we hide secrets that are only secrets to our own conscience?
Secrets grow with strength and power the longer they are kept in the dark. They eat away at the person keeping them while working to destroy the others involved. Secrets must be hog tied and drug into the light to be seen and vanquished. If you want to live a better life there can be NO MORE SECRETS!
Cuddle Coverage is my brain child born out of facebook post. The other night a beautiful woman I attended high school with said that it was a perfect night for cuddling, if only she wasn't single. Another woman chimed in and agreed. She was also single. There I was. Ready to swoop in as the good guy with an answer for the both of us. Thus, the birth of Cuddle Coverage.
Cuddle Coverage would be like an insurance policy/escort service for women. We would offer various services at various rates depending upon need. If you just want a man to come by for the night to hold you in your sleep...we could do that. If you want someone to bring flowers, candy, and a teddy bear....we could do that. If you want a man to do all the things your man (or lack thereof) won't do...we could do that. Oh, by we I mean me.
All new customers would receive a free trial. All sales would be final. And oh yes, there would be a waiver for anything left behind (Ala baby). All Cuddle Coverage employees would go through an extreme background check for criminal history, sexual predators, and to be certain they are STD free. We would aim to please.
I think I might be on to something here. I could get paid to do something I love and would gladly do for free. Women would be able to feel that strong, secure, loving man they want in the cool of the night. Man, it's on...All this at a reasonable price too. Call Cuddle Coverage now...operators are standing by.
I have always thought of myself as a open and adventurous lover. There are very few things I wouldn't try at least once. Keep in mind this is in the context of marriage/monogamous relationship. The allusion of safety provided by a committed relationship allows one to be free to explore without fear. I have come to find that my thoughts on adventure is quite conservative compared to others.
The old adage that art imitates life is without a doubt true. Lately, there has been a great deal of discussion on the subject of pulling a woman's hair while making love. I was naive and thought this would be limited to those outside the African American community. I have come to find that I was wrong. I have been informed that you need to grab a hold close to the roots. One person told me, "It'll change your life."
Another piece of sexual practice that is showing up in pop culture is the "Menage Troi." Again, I thought that this was something super freaks got into. I was thinking your Hollywood, Music, Celebrity, College types would be down with this. I have come to find that normal, church going folks get into this pretty heavy. In fact, it is so much a part of the culture that women really believe that the "Troi" is every man's ultimate fantasy. As a young man I used to think so. As a more mature man I'm not interested. I want to be connected with the one I'm with. There is plenty to do with one...too much work for two. Of course, that could just be me.
The pulling of hair doesn't blow me away. The desire for a "Troi", although not my cup of tea, I get. But, the one thing that has blown my mind is the use of thumbs. In recent months through my reading, television watching, and conversations I have come to find that more and more men are looking for something extra in the bedroom. They're looking for something that was unthinkable (Not in an Alicia Keys' sexy type of way). Men are looking to get a thumb up...
Apparently, the practice of men being penetrated in the ass with a finger while making love to a woman is a growing phenomena. It has been said that the anal cavity is the "G" spot for men. Others have stated that it heightens the pleasure of the whole experience. I personally have no interest and just cant fathom it. But hey, to each his own.
The way things are looking I may have to drop "freak" from my resume as a lover. I may be a bit too old school to carry that title with accuracy. The measuring stick has been doubled, maybe tripled in some cases, for what a freak is. I still think I'm pretty open. I aim to please. However,the ass-play will never get a "Thumbs Up" from me.
The gym has become my sanctuary. I'm able to disappear in the hum of the treadmill, the pain of the weights. I have time to think. I have a method to clear my mind. The gym is where pain and pleasure meet. As I think about it, there is one very clear reason I love the gym.
Life is full of twist and turns. You think you should go left. Only to find out that you should've gone right. You do everything right and still get the wrong results. The good guy loses, the villain wins, the hero is killed. Life can be complicated, confusing, and down right frustrating. The Bible puts it this way:
Ecclesiastes 9:11 NLT "I have observed something else in this world of ours. The fastest runner doesn't always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn't always win the battle. The wise are often poor, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy. And those who are educated don't always lead successful lives. It is all decided by chance, by being at the right place at the right time."
The truth of this verse is so frustrating it could kill any motivation one might have to do better. Especially, if you have been on the end of "not necessarily." I have been that person. I have been the one that did the right thing, got the wrong results. I am the educated, at times the wise, and quite a few places the strongest. Yet, chance has not been my friend.
The gym eliminates chance for the most part. It is a process that is almost mathematical. In the gym, A + B = C. If you do the work, you get the results. It's predictable, controllable, and achievable. I have started to see the results I'm looking for. I have seen a noticeable increase in strength (I'm lifting more weight than ever before). I have noticed changes in my physical composition. And although I'm not losing weight, I am losing inches on my waist. I'm doing the right thing and getting the right results.
It would be nice if all of life were this easy. However, relationships aren't. You can show somebody love and get kicked to the curb. You can treat people like shit and find that they have pledged their lives to you. You can work hard, no your job, and produce results without getting the promotion or the pay. You can be a lying cheat that kisses ass and find yourself in a well paying job that you are clearly incompetent at. Life is messed up. It doesn't make sense. The gym does and that is why I love it.
Lately, I have thought myself to be a straight bitch. I have thought myself to be weak, soft, a hoe...what I used to refer to as "Bitchmade!" These thoughts have come to mind because of my inability to lay down the pipe. This is beyond nice guy status. This is some straight bitch-ass-ness. But, then I remember who I am.
Sure it would be nice to enjoy the pleasures of a woman. A Becky or a handy would be lovely...and I'm not saying that I would pass such an opportunity up. However, the truth is at my core that's just not who I am. Well, at least not without some kind of relationship. Laying down random Chic's is not my thing. Neither is balancing a bunch of different women all at once for the sole purpose of getting my needs met my thing either.
My thing is and always has been family. As a kid I didn't have hopes of being some mac or pimp with smooth game and no shame. No...I was dreaming about my wife, kids, house, dog, etc... An intact family has always been what I wanted. If I had interest in a girl I wasn't on some "how can I fuck" type mess. I was dreaming about what life would be if we got married.
I grew up in my grandparents home. They were married till death. A sum total of 63 years. That's incredible when you think about it. They had been through the fire together and neither was going to depart the marriage until their lights went dim. This was my greatest hope. I had hoped to duplicate the commitment, love, and sharing I had witnessed in my grandparents.
One of my favorite songs is "Someone to Love" by Mint Condition. Towards the end of the song there is a lyric that says, "Someone to love. Someone to hold. Someone to kiss. Someone to miss. I want to grow old with ya babe. That's what you need. I'll always be someone to love." In high school I would put that song on repeat and just dream about my bride to be. I dreamt of growing old with the love of my life.
I thought I had found that love and made her mine. I would come to find that I was still dreaming and she was never mine. It was a crushing blow. I had envisioned us together sharing stories of years past, enjoying our grandchildren, and going to see the doctor together. I thought about how I would handle my loves passing. Would it destroy me? Could I carry on? After all, she was my love, my best friend, my one flesh bond.
Well, I have come to find that I was almost destroyed by my loves passing. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't concentrate, couldn't focus. Alcohol was my friend and suicidal thoughts were normal. I was a ball of raging anger. It was so intense I could feel it inside my body as though I were an oven cooking with the fires of hell. The loss of my love almost destroyed me.
Yet, here I am. As much as I want to deny who I am and what I'm about I can't. I was at a family function today and the joy I felt watching children with their families, newlyweds interact, and those engaged to be life long partners spill all over each other, I could not deny who I am. I missed that. I missed the pleasure and joy of relationship, of connection. On my way home it was then that I realized that a wife and family is what I've always wanted.
Do you remember the show Dream On? It was a great show about a guy that was raised in front of a television. He often had flashbacks to the old shows he would watch as a child as he faced life's situations. Oddly enough, my mind kind of works like that.
Sometimes people think I'm crazy because I can quote movies almost at will and I always compare people to TV characters. It is a weird, kind of nerdy behavior. I can't deny that. What I can deny is that I'm some type of social misfit. I'm a nerd, but not a misfit.
Sometimes I wonder if I am simply misunderstood. I have a penchant for direct communication. I can be brutally honest at times. And, as an occupational hazard I am probably more comfortable discussing sexual activities than the average person (My job entails that I talk and write about sex most of my days). Consequently, I can say things that are offensive, shocking, or intruding. Some people find it refreshing and witty. Others think I'm out of my mind and suffer from a mental health condition. The kids I work with say I "keep it 100."
In a lot of ways my mind works like the main character from Dream On, Martin Tupper. Every situation or thought bounces off all of my life's experience and viewing. I connect strange dots and it comes out of my mouth. I have to explain how I got to where the conversation is because people look at me in a strange fashion. I think of it as a personality quirk.
I am leaning a little toward some level of awkwardness. After all, I seem to lack the basic skills of game needed to bed chicks that get down at hello. Men who seem to have exerted so little effort and so little care seem to get the prize with their little efforts. Meanwhile, I seem to get worked for free meals and slight handy man services. I hope one day I will be understood. Maybe, one day I'll be like most other then. Of course, the way things are going I'll probably continue to dream on.
While having dinner with a friend tonight I was informed that I am socially awkward, if not outright offensive. They didn't say those words exactly. What they did say was funny and yet disturbing all in one swoop. It was something I've been wondering about for a while now but didn't want to believe.
My current job entails me working closely with kids that are socially awkward, outcast, and some mentally ill. I've wondered for a long time if the reason I get along so well with them is because I am truly one of them? I haven't committed any haneous crimes and I don't quite say the things they say. But, I am slightly off in a comical way.
This evening my friend asked a question that confirmed the worst. She said, "Do you have Aspergers?" I thought to myself "Oh shit! That's the problem.!" I don't have Aspergers. What I think I do suffer from is being socially awkward. That would explain a lot of things.
My biggest concern is that my social awkwardness is the product of my personality. Personalities aren't easily changed. They are ingrained and in some respects beyond our control. We were born and nurtured that way. I grew up with elderly folks. They don't have time for bullshit so they say what they damn well please. Some of that is in me. I don't know if I can overcome this ailment but we shall see.
