SEEING HER

Yesterday was the first time I shared space with my wife since she left our home. We made no eye contact. We did not share a greeting. It was a strange experience. One I was not completely prepared for. It was like seeing a ghost. I treated her as such.

It was a wedding that had brought us to this meeting place together. The people involved in the ceremony share our love and so we put aside our beef to celebrate the joy of others. The experience was surreal. Her family was warm and welcoming in the way they had always been. They greeted me. Hugged me. Told me they were glad to see me. It was almost like old times. However, something was very different.

I didn't sit in the section reserved for the family. I no longer count myself as family. It is not that I regard my in-laws as anything less. It's just that I feel that I am intruding upon the property (family) of my estranged wife. They were hers first and I don't want to make that uncomfortable for her.

My nieces and nephews (in-laws) rushed to hug me and tell my how they have been. During the ceremony my niece hugged my arm as she laid her head on my shoulder. It was comforting and endearing. I felt their love. The kids even asked if they could go with me after the ceremony. I had to deny their request as relations between myself and their mother have become strained through this process.

I did a good job of ignoring my wife. I sat, enjoyed the service, and celebrated the love of others. Treating my wife as dead has been one way I have coped with the pain of the loss. After all, even if she is alive in body, the person I married is no longer there. It's hard to believe that one who proclaimed their love and dedication could do such harm and be the same person.

While I was moving through the receiving line she stood with her family toward the end. I did my best to avoid her but as we walked she darted out in front of me (it happened during a moment of horse play between her and her cousin). I made a turn on a dime and moved through quickly without so much as a sound.

When the ceremony was complete I gave a hug to the bride and groom. I told them I loved them and that I was proud of them. My wife's shell was sitting directly behind them. I turned my back to her as I spoke. I moved through the sanctuary as I came, alone. I thought I would have more of a desire for reunification upon seeing her. There wasn't. There was sadness. There was joy. There was pain. This is a sign of things to come. This is to be expected when I see her. Absent of the festivities, I imagine it will be sadness and pain present...joy when I depart.