What I''ve Always Wanted

Lately, I have thought myself to be a straight bitch. I have thought myself to be weak, soft, a hoe...what I used to refer to as "Bitchmade!" These thoughts have come to mind because of my inability to lay down the pipe. This is beyond nice guy status. This is some straight bitch-ass-ness. But, then I remember who I am.

Sure it would be nice to enjoy the pleasures of a woman. A Becky or a handy would be lovely...and I'm not saying that I would pass such an opportunity up. However, the truth is at my core that's just not who I am. Well, at least not without some kind of relationship. Laying down random Chic's is not my thing. Neither is balancing a bunch of different women all at once for the sole purpose of getting my needs met my thing either.

My thing is and always has been family. As a kid I didn't have hopes of being some mac or pimp with smooth game and no shame. No...I was dreaming about my wife, kids, house, dog, etc... An intact family has always been what I wanted. If I had interest in a girl I wasn't on some "how can I fuck" type mess. I was dreaming about what life would be if we got married.

I grew up in my grandparents home. They were married till death. A sum total of 63 years. That's incredible when you think about it. They had been through the fire together and neither was going to depart the marriage until their lights went dim. This was my greatest hope. I had hoped to duplicate the commitment, love, and sharing I had witnessed in my grandparents.

One of my favorite songs is "Someone to Love" by Mint Condition. Towards the end of the song there is a lyric that says, "Someone to love. Someone to hold. Someone to kiss. Someone to miss. I want to grow old with ya babe. That's what you need. I'll always be someone to love." In high school I would put that song on repeat and just dream about my bride to be. I dreamt of growing old with the love of my life.



I thought I had found that love and made her mine. I would come to find that I was still dreaming and she was never mine. It was a crushing blow. I had envisioned us together sharing stories of years past, enjoying our grandchildren, and going to see the doctor together. I thought about how I would handle my loves passing. Would it destroy me? Could I carry on? After all, she was my love, my best friend, my one flesh bond.

Well, I have come to find that I was almost destroyed by my loves passing. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't concentrate, couldn't focus. Alcohol was my friend and suicidal thoughts were normal. I was a ball of raging anger. It was so intense I could feel it inside my body as though I were an oven cooking with the fires of hell. The loss of my love almost destroyed me.

Yet, here I am. As much as I want to deny who I am and what I'm about I can't. I was at a family function today and the joy I felt watching children with their families, newlyweds interact, and those engaged to be life long partners spill all over each other, I could not deny who I am. I missed that. I missed the pleasure and joy of relationship, of connection. On my way home it was then that I realized that a wife and family is what I've always wanted.