SWEET DREAMS

As a kid I was a very ambitious young man. I started out wanting to be a police officer. My mother and grandmother strongly discouraged that. They told me I would be killed if I was a police officer. Then I figured I would be an attorney. I thought it was the next best thing to being a cop. I could be a prosecutor. Keep in mind I'm only five at this time.

As time went on I wanted to be a multi-millionaire. I planned on having a mansion, four cars (an SUV, Sports Car, Luxury Vehicle, and a Family Car), a vacation home, and my crown Jewell-a walk in freezer. I was young, what did I know? While in high school I decided that I would be the first Black President. Like I said, I was ambitious. All this would change as I came into adulthood.

When I entered into college I had started to change my mind about being a lawyer. I had done a few internships and didn't like the hours I was seeing the associates work. That was a mistake because I ended up working 60 hours a week without the payoff. Hey, what did I know? I would later decide that I wanted to be a pastor. I had a strong desire to help people and to serve God. That fell through in a painful fashion. I might touch on that later. Needless to say, many a dream has fallen by the wayside.

I was content with my marriage. That is gone. I was hoping to serve God in full-time ministry. That is gone. I was hoping to be in the 80K-100K range. That may not be gone but I ain't close. My sweet dreams have turned into beautiful nightmares. For a while I had the air knocked out of me. Couldn't dream, couldn't breath, couldn't move forward. All that is about to change.

I am hard pressed at this time to find someone close to me that isn't back in school working on a degree of some kind. I didn't have any intentions of going back to school. Not for a PhD. Not for another masters. Not for a parent/teacher conference. I wasn't going. Nevertheless, I find myself seriously contemplating returning to school.

I have argued with myself back and forth about whether I would return to school for a law degree or an MBA. I recently come to find that I don't have to make a decision between the two. I can go back and get a joint degree in both law and business. I am seriously thinking about pursuing this next level of education. Here me out on this one. I love what I do. I really do like helping people. I just can't survive on the cash flow.

I often say you can't help people and get paid unless you can prescribe a drug, administer a drug, or sell a drug. So far, I've been correct. Even if I were to climb to the top of the food chain in my professional field I would likely not crack six figures. Since I have a desire to provide for my children, establish a committed relationship, and perhaps have more kids one day, I need to produce funds. I figure a Jurist Doctorate plus an MBA should make me a pretty profitable entity.

It seems like the logical move to make. Like I said, all my friends are in school. Hence, they don't have time to hang. I might as well make this time of solitude count. I'm doing the research. Reading up on the process and programs. Talking to folks in the field and in school. I'm serious bout this man. I'll keep you posted as to what moves I ultimately make. For now, Sweet Dreams may be making a return.

NEVER THE SAME AGAIN

I can't remember if I shared with you the recommendation by quite a few women that I find a female "friend" that would be down for extending benefits (sex) with a full understanding that nothing serious is going to happen. The women that shared this suggestion with me said it so "matter of fact." It was almost as though it was a normal happening that is often negotiated. I had heard of friends with benefits, fuck buddies, bust it babies, and jump offs, but I had never really considered this to be a reality.

It was and is my firm belief that such relationships can not exist. Certainly, there are some men and women that can function in such a fashion, but they are few. One of the women that had shared this suggestion with me and stated that she was engaged in such a relationship has completely changed her tune. The relationship has now turned to the run of the mill relationship. She wants a relationship complete with commitment and marriage. I ask, what happened to the understanding?

My discussion with men and my experience has taught me that there is no such thing as a no strings attached trusting relationship. I hold that women really want to believe that they can function like men. Women want to be able to engage in sexual activity and move on like they just shook hands with a distant associate. Women aren't built that way. The sooner they come to accept that reality the sooner they will be at peace. Women continue to fight to be like men with horrible results.

Women want to believe that they can engage in sex with a man and continue to just be friends. It just can't happen. When people engage in sexual activity it forever alters the nature of that relationship. How can it not? When people engage on a physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual (be it good or bad) level you can't go back to business as usual. I hear people try to say that this is going to happen. It is a undeniable reality that it won't. It should be listed as one of the laws of physics.

I believe that the parameters of a relationship are changed so definitively that I could even make an argument that men aren't the same after the encounter either. I can recall a "friend" telling me that she liked to flirt. Her style of flirting encompassed a lot. It was far beyond the norm. So I told her she could flirt. This woman and I engaged in a great deal of physical activity just short of all out intercourse. When I told her that I thought we should dial things back she lost her mind and went on full attack to destroy me. She tried to tarnish my name, turn my friends against me, and even question my manhood. Keep in mind that she was engaged to another man. I will never forget that experience. I know that things will never be the same after physical engagement.

JUST ME AND MY BEER...

Coming up in the hood one of my favorite rap songs was "Me and My Bitch" by Biggie Smalls. The song is a sort of a gangstas sonnet of sorts. Essentially, it's about a ride or die chic that is down for whatever when it comes to her man. It's a song about loyalty and reckless abandoned in relationships. I wish I could report that I'm enjoying a "me and my bitch" moment here late on a Sunday night. But I'm not.

Loyalty has always been a Major issue when it comes to relationships of any kind for me. It is a big issue when you come up in the hood. Loyalty can make all the difference in life or death, jail or freedom, safety or danger. Again, it's major. I remember dropping people off my list of friends quickly once it was evident that they had no loyalty. In a world of uncertainty and danger you can't afford to take chances like that.

Loyalty was one of the things that attracted me to my wife. If you were to ask her she would deny it but once upon a time she told me she would be willing to go to jail for me. My mother can recall a heated argument turned physical between she and I where my wife stood in front of me as a warning that she was down for whatever to protect me. My mother stated that was a sign that I was in good hands. Those hands no longer exist in my reality.

In any event, I sit here tonight with another dependable friend...my beer. I had plans to hang out with the fellas and watch the game at a local establishment. Both of my boys fell through for legitimate reasons. That left me home alone. So, in my time of loneliness I turned to the dependable ride or die chic that's cold as ice and can keep you as warm as the sun...Beer.

I remember taking my substance abuse course in grad school and the professor making the statement that alcohol is dependable. No matter what, you will get the same results every time. As Billy D used to say, "Colt 45, works every time." I can't lie the saying is true. You keep pumping enough alcohol into your system and you will get the effect you're looking for.

So here I am, my wife has failed me, my friends fell through, the female friend who's company I desired was not available. Therefore, I have turned to old faithful. I don't know how much I will drink. I don't know if I will drink till drunk. What I do know is that I'm going to enjoy myself, this beer, my snacks, and this game. Tonight, it's just me and my beer.

IT'S COMPLICATED

The phrase, "It's Complicated," is commonly used to identify the relationship status of many on social networks. It is a loaded term with all types of implications. For some complication means that, "I'm in a relationship but things aren't going the way I want them too." For others, "I'm sexing someone. It ain't official but I'm not going to engage others on that level." You have those that just won't allow their mind to catch up with the reality that they actually don't have a relationship. The "complicated" term covers that and so much more.

Whatever the reason people use that "complicated" term they are right about one thing; RELATIONSHIPS ARE COMPLICATED. When you look at all the pieces that go into a relationship it can make your head spin right off your body. There is the issue of attraction. You may be attracted to one and they may not. This is a major problem as physical attraction is typically the first thing to catch someones attention.

There is the issue of availability. Let's say that you do cross paths with a person that shares your attraction...how likely is it that you are both available at the same time? This might be one of the most difficult issues to overcome. Since we live in a place where people don't like to be alone for any significant period of time folks tend to quickly move from relationship to relationship. Even if folks would be willing to leave one for the other that doesn't instill much confidence in the one that is stealing that individual away. They might as well put that relationship on the clock...their time will be up soon.

Moving on, let's say that you are attracted and available; now comes the issue of compatibility. It's one thing to see someone that has the physique you find attractive. It's another for them to be available, however that might come about. And it is a whole other issues when it comes to, "do we click?" Compatibility has so many factors to it; finances, values, religion, upbringing, culture, ethnicity, ambition, drive, habits, etc...etc.... This is where things can get really tough. Some people temporarily give up what they hold dear in order to advance the relationship. But, where are you advancing it if you aren't honest about what you value? Answer: destruction.

Ok, ok, let's say that you have those first three issues covered. Now you have to get down to the details. Do we both want kids? Do we want to get married or just shack? Is this an open relationship or a closed relationship? Is lots of money important? Do we want to live in the same place? Do I have tons of baggage from previous relationships? Are we on the same time table with things? Is it all about what's "in" or does practicality and value matter? And on and on...

It is amazing in some ways that people ever get married and stay together. There are just so many considerations. Some of these issues matter (values, morals, children...). Some don't (fashion, style, SWAG...). If you are lucky enough to cross paths with someone that looks like they meet these requirements I say go for it. Most things can be overcome if you are dedicated to the person, to the institution of marriage, and God. If you're only dedicated to yourself then you should scrap relationships altogether. Man...IT'S COMPLICATED.

MY BUCKET LIST

Have you ever seen the movie the Bucket List? It's a pretty good movie if I do say so myself. The message contained within the movie is what really makes it worth while. If you haven't had the pleasure of viewing the movie then you may know what a bucket list is already. In the rare event that you have neither seen the movie nor know what a bucket list is then allow me to give a quick layman's definition. A Bucket List is simply things you want to do in life before you kick the bucket (die).

With that eloquent definition in your mind I will now proceed to share my Bucket List. These are in no particular order of importance. So, here we go:

1. Visit Rome-I just want to see the Vatican up close and personal. The artistry looks incredible and it is so rich with history.

2. Visit Israel-This is another place of interest due to it's religious significance. I want to walk where Jesus walked.

3. Go to a Super Bowl game-I once won tickets to a Super Bowl but didn't retrieve them in time. Talk about being sick to your stomach and missing a once in a lifetime opportunity.

4. Visit New York City-I have only driven by New York City. I have never been in New York City. I have to experience the greatest city on earth.

5. Make one appearance at a comedy club on amateur night-I have been told I am funny my entire life going back to elementary school. I figured I'd give amateur night a go to see what I've got. I've got jokes but I have to save them for when that day comes.

6. Pen at least one of the 12 books I have in my head-I am constantly being inspired to write books on all types of subjects. I would like to put one in print before my life ends.

7. Visit Las Vegas-Who doesn't want to go to Sin City? It looks like fun if you're a gambler or not.

8. Get Married again-Ya know, it seems crazy to even put that in print but I know who I am. I would like to be married again. Of course, with much greater success than the first marriage.

9. Tour the White House-As a kid I wanted to be the first Black President. It would seem that Bill Clinton beat me to that one. So, instead of living in the White House I would just like to visit the White House.

10. Move-I want to leave the area known as North East Ohio. It's not a bad place I just want to see what else is out in the world.

11. More Kids-I always wanted at least 4 kids. Right now I've got two. It won't happen the way I wanted it to (all kids same parents) but it can happen. We shall see.

12. See a Steelers Game-My dad took me to a Steelers game at the old Three Rivers Stadium. It was against the bears. It was late 80's. Bubby Brister was the QB. We lost. My cheese fries froze. We lost, nuff said. I want to go to a modern era game.

13. Learn a Second Language-I really want to learn another language. If I could do it all over again I would have double majored with a second language as one of those majors. It can help you get paid. It can help you get laid. It's cool.

14. Own a Business-I have always wanted my own business. I don't mean some multilevel marketing business either. I want something that has my name on it. Built from the ground up. I have tried but without success.

15. Grow a Goatee-It might seem funny but the only reason I started shaving is to grow a Goatee. I thought women would like it so I figured I would rock one. Problem is, It won't grow in the middle. I must see it complete before I die.

16. Eat at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse-I love food. I really love beef. Ruth's Chris is not the most expensive restaurant in the world but it does cost. I want my steak brought to the table on a 500 degree plate.

17. Buy a Car of my Choice-I really want to be able to purchase a vehicle that I really want brand new off the lot. I've had a brand new car off the lot but it wasn't my choice (cost, funds, credit, all issues). Just once I want to walk in and buy what I want.

18. Brew my own Beer-I love beer. Nothing could be cooler than making your own brand.

19. Enter a Rib Cook-Off Contest-I am a fan of BBQ. I have been told that I do pretty well by most folks that have partaken of my work. I would like to put my skills to the test and see how I do.

20. Take a Cruise-They look so cool. I just want to get on one and eat and drink myself to oblivion. Of course, I would like to reserve that for when I have female company (though I've been told the single cruises are off the chain).

That is all I have for now. If I find more I may share them with you. Of course, then again I may not. I mean, if it's something freaky I may not want that to get out there. Ya know, people look at you all weird and stuff. Anyway, I digress. If I come up with more then I may revisit the issue.

IS SEX OVERATED?

Sex has always been a major issue in my life. As a man I have thought about sex since I can remember. I can recall being a five year old boy watching Dukes of Hazard with my family and telling them, "I'm gonna git in Daisy's butt!" Imagine that from a five year old kid. Anyway, Sex has always been in the picture of my life in some way, shape, or form.

It has been said that men think about sex every 8 seconds on average. That is a lot of sexual stimulation, roughly 7 times a minute. I have also been told, read, experienced, that sex is not that big a deal for women. I think this is still true. However, there has been some change in the attitude and approach to sex that women are taking. Few of them appear healthy....

Anyway, in one of many discussion on the issue I was told by two separate women that sex is overrated. I highly contest the legitimacy of such claims. I have argued that they were doing it wrong or haven't done it at all. To me, as to most men, sex is like the greatest thing on the face of the earth. I contend that there are few things a man would choose above sex. If a man had a choice between life without sex, or sex and immediate death...I'm putting my money on sex and death.

Despite the heavy weight I place on sex I have started to reconsider my claim. There may be instances where sex is overrated. Since I was married so long it was hard for me to think of sex outside of the context of an emotionally intimate relationship. Hence, I'm thinking when you care for someone how could sex be overrated. This is not the context others are speaking in.

Sex outside of marriage (I'll even give deeply committed relationship) is overrated. There may be some excitement, some pay off, some pleasure...but absent of the emotional, mental, spiritual connection it's just not that great of an experience. I remember experiences like that where I find myself drifting off during physical engagement. The power, the excitement, the punch, just wasn't there.

In some ways there is something animalistic about sex when the other factors aren't present. It's akin to having sex with a doll or something. In the end it's just two warm bodies coming together. It is a sterile exchange of physical activity and fluid. That picture leaves much to be desired.

There may be times when sex is incredible no matter what the connection. It's hard to see in some ways. If the goal is to get your rocks off why not just beat your dick into submission and call it a day. No concerns for disease, pregnancy, loose lips, or fatal attractions. There is a lot at risk when you consider the lack of connection present in such situations. I might be wrong on both counts...but for now I'm going to stick to my guns. There are times when sex can be overrated.

Separated Vs. Legally Divorced

As I travel on this journey I am learning new things daily. One of the things that is a repeating theme as of late is the discussion of my "legal" status. Some of the women I've been spending time with find my legal status as a married man a real issue. In fact, they have put me in the "friendship" zone on that issue alone.

I find that the women of Caucasian persuasion don't seem to have this issue. They take it in stride and move on like ain't nothing ever happened. Black women treat me like the plague and with good reason. I know many a man has sold the story that he and his wife were through. Only for the woman that bought the story to find that he is still married and living with his wife...maybe still making babies. Damn, played again. Like all situations, the bad guys screw the good guys.

With that in mind I'm not knocking these women. If I was a woman I would be hesitant as well. Key word in that last statement, "WOMAN." I don't think men have this issue when it comes to women. if a woman says that she's separated and headed for divorce I don't think the man would altar his plans or behavior not one bit. In fact, most men wouldn't be mad if that woman ended up back with their husband as long as they got what they wanted.

I asked a woman how would our relationship be different if I weren't "legally" married? She said that she couldn't answer the question because she doesn't even allow her mind to go there because I am married. I don't believe men have this gift of thought stoppage. The most dedicated, religious, faithful, of men I know still have thoughts that take them all the way to the bedroom in a matter of moments about women. For men, thoughts aren't the issue. Behavior is. As a faithfully, dedicated, married man my thoughts went lots of places. My actions never went anywhere.

Maybe the issue is because women thrive on fantasy and romance. They love the romance novels, the smooth R&B songs, the sappy chic flicks. Fantasy is a woman's bread and butter (see soap opera). Perhaps women know that if they allow themselves to think it, they will eventually do it. If that is the case then they should protect themselves cause there are few men that would refuse a woman's advance (maybe a gay man...and even then-Maybe).

Men don't have this hang up. We don't have this issue. Men could care less if a woman is single, separated, divorced, or just having an argument. For most men (those without any conviction to stop them) are like, "Hey, it's on tonight." Maybe that is the difference between men and woman, what relationships mean, and how physical encounters are interpreted. Whatever it is, it's not an issue. So, women keep your morals and suspicions about so-called separated men. Check the legal documents for brotha's that claim they're divorced. And, don't go out after having an argument with your husband cause we will be waiting and ready.

LEARN WHAT YOU CAN, WHILE YOU CAN

I cooked some Italian baked chicken wings for dinner tonight. It was a recipe I learned from my wife. I always enjoyed it when she cooked it. After a while I started cooking it myself. As I was cooking I was thinking about what a phenomenal cook my wife is. I was thinking about her mac and cheese, her Italian sausage bread, and a whole lot of other foods. One thing she could do is burn.

As I was cooking I was thinking how I should have paid more attention when I was helping her cook. I know the ingredients that goes into these things but I don't' know the amounts or the process. Man, I missed out. Would it be wrong to ask her to cook me something just for old times sake? Anyway, I started thinking about all the people that I have had an opportunity to know and all of the great gifts they possessed. So many of them had something that you could learn.

People are full of such talents and skills. What they bring to the table in their life experience, education, and training is incredible. I've always sought to learn from those around me but I don't know that I've always "got it." I can remember my brother in law telling me about how he was quickly promoted through the ranks as a Marine. It wasn't about his hard work, it was about his relationships. I missed it. I thought he was just talking. I'm just now figuring that out...relationships are everything.

I didn't think my wife would be lost on me so soon. I didn't think my Grandfather was going to go when he did. I didn't think my short stint in practicing law (never a lawyer, just an intern) would have ended so soon. The point; learn as much as you can, as fast as you can, while you can. You don't know how long you have with someone and their gifts. You don't know when you will need them. Life stops and turns on a dime. Don't miss out cause you thought you had more time.

SCARED

I have had the pleasure of enjoying the company of various women over the past few weeks. Each encounter has been different and enjoyable. With some we are clearly friends and so we hang out almost like fellas with a ting of physical/emotional tension in the backdrop. With some we are old friends reconnecting. They're in love with someone already and the meeting is strictly platonic. And then, some have an attraction based component to them.

Each relationship seems to mean something different. Some are simply for the enjoyment of a persons company. It's nice to just chill and talk, honestly and openly. With other's you would like more but know you can't. And with others, you know more is available but you don't know if you should take it there. It's a strange place to be.

The truth of the matter is that I'm scared. I'm scared of what might happen. I'm scared of how I will be perceived. I'm scared of what and who I am. I'm scared of the consequences of such actions. I'm scared of letting my heart get caught up again. It's a scary world out there. I don't know if I'm brave enough for it.

I feel good about myself. And in many ways, I'm forcing myself to take chances just for the sake of trying something different. I'm not going to be too risky but I am going to do some things different. My biggest scare is hurting someone else. I don't want to blindly cause harm to others unknowingly. I can deal with my own hurt. Been there, doing that. I just have a tough time with causing harm to others.

I keep telling myself that people are adults and responsible for their actions and consequences. I keep saying that all I can do is put the facts on the table. Once that is done what happens happens. However, there is a part of me (good guy) that feels a sense of responsibility to look not only around my corner but that of others for their own good. I feel that even if I hear words saying one thing, yet I see another I need to take corrective action on their part.

I have done this already. One woman I was hanging out with started having dreams that we had gotten married. That was clue number one to break camp. I had made myself obviously clear that I was in no way ready for a serious relationship. Despite my many warnings her mind was going places I never intended to. We didn't even get physical. God only knows what would have happened if we did.

Now part of me says, "To hell with that. I made myself clear. Get yours, she knows what's up." I could justify my actions by saying that I warned her. Yet, I know my conscience wouldn't let that go. Hence, I cut her lose for her own good. Mine too. However, as one of my friends said recently, "A man can only be a gentleman for so long." Ain't that the truth.

So, here I am. Scared of what could happen and yet trying to live life. I really wish I didn't care so much. I wish I didn't think so much. I wish I didn't look around the corner but just looked at what was in front of me. I could always plea ignorance if things go bad. After all, who hasn't used that before?

THE LOLLYPOP KID

I have recently received a ton of comments through text, on FB post, and in person from women saying how "SWEET" I am. This is supposedly a response to my kindness, respectability, and gentleman ways. It sounds nice on the surface but it sucks ass when you get to the bottom of it.

I once heard that sweet is a metaphor for "not gettin' any." I asked around and to my surprise women more or less agreed that if they call you sweet you can forget about gettin' any lovin'. Since this has become my moniker I can only assume that I am doomed to a life time of Sahara Desert dryness. Maybe I can hallucinate about some lovin'.

On the real, I'm so damn SWEET that I Might be Gay. Being sweet is akin to being called a "brother" or a good "friend." Both of which I have been called in recent days. Being called any one of these names is a the kiss of death. A dead end. A big STOP, NO, AND DON'T! It may be worse than just being dogged out.

When you are a nice guy. When you are sweet. You are officially out of the running for anything physical. And not that getting physical is the nice guys aim (hence why he's sweet) but he wants some sweet potato pie too. It really puts a good guy in a bad place. If a good guy is who he is then he's S.O.L. If he's not who he is then he might be the same, save gettin' some lovin'. So, he has to ask himself, "Is a bad rep worth some good lovin'?" It's a rock....and a hard place (pun intended).

3 STAGES OF TRANSFORMATION

Transformation is all the rage these days. President Obama campaigned on fundamental transformation. House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, stated that the Health Care bill was transformational. Many an organization claims to be focused on transformation. I ask the question, "How does one get there?" In this journey through life I am coming to understand that there are three parts or stages to true transformation.

The first two steps of transformation seem to be interchangeable in terms of which comes first. What is important is that they are both present at some stage. For the purpose of flow I will call this the first stage, Output. Output is the energy we use in the process of transformation. You could look at it like practice or exercise. For instance, in my attempt to get in shape I am lifting weights. The amount of time, the exercises I do, and the amount of weight I lift are all parts of the output process. In essence, I'm working on the outside.

The second step of the process is Input. Input is what you are putting into the mind, body, or soul. As it has been said, "Garbage in, Garbage out." Or, "You are what you eat." I must pause to interject at this moment. In the process of physical transformation I am struggling on the input side. My diet is at times atrocious. As much as I hit the gym, as strong as I am getting, the full results can't be seen because of my high fat diet (fried foods, beer, and BBQ). It would almost seem to be a waste...but it's not. Like I said, you have to have one of these present. The order is not so much of consequence as long as you get there.

I have had a change in input outside of food. I have changed what I watch, what I read, what I spend my time thinking about, and my complete outlook on life and worldview. Case in point; I used to watch and listen to all types of political news 24/7. As I examined my mood and mind set I saw a need to let go of these things. I even had to let go of Christian programming and sports radio.

These things all had one thing in common, complaining. Political talking heads complained about the state of the nation, sports complain about the state of the teams they covered, and Christians complain about the state of just about everything because of the impossibility of reaching perfection this side of earth. The place I was in just couldn't handle the constant onslaught of negativity. I have noticed a marked change in my mood since changing my input.

Input without a doubt is a needed ingredient on the path to transformation. If I were to make the necessary changes to my diet (input) I would be seeing significant transformation in my body, energy level, and overall health. You can not just push, push, push, without taking in what is needed. There is a balance needed. If you only do the output you will simply add to what you already have and that will be a mess. If you change the input you may find a change but not complete (no shape, form, or strength). There is one last piece to all this that can not be forsaken.

The final piece to transformation is Attitude. If I change my diet, workout hard, but don't change my attitude, I'm in a world of trouble. I used to view working out as a hassle, boring, something you have to make yourself do-not something you want to do. If I maintain that mentality about working out it won't be long before I stop going altogether. Same thing with eating healthy (which is the problem). If I think of healthy eating as a pain no change will last. Attitude is the central nervous center of change. It is the gas for the car of transformation. Change your attitude, change your life.

I am on my way to long lasting change. It takes time and effort but I'm not afraid of either one of those. I'm doing good on the output side. Great on the attitude. Soon the input will be efficient and then what is hidden on the inside will be revealed on the outside. 3 Steps, 3 Stages, True Transformation.

DIRECT COMMUNICATION

I am a big fan of direct communication. There are so many benefits to it. You never have to wonder where you stand. You don't have guess about expectations. You can clear the air quickly and work through conflict. Direct communication allows you to minimize misunderstandings and strengthen relationships.

Those that know me know I can be quite direct. I do it out of a desire to be honest and clear about my intentions and thoughts. I think there is a certain level of compassion associated with direct communication. No one is led on. No one is tricked or played. No one is left to look a fool because of misinterpretation.

I'm not one of these people that likes to throw rocks while living in a glass house. I love direct feedback. It is a great pleasure for me to hear about my shortcomings and strengths so I can make changes as I desire to become a better me. The truth hurts sometimes. But the truth also sets you free. I'll take pain and freedom any day over a painless form of slavery.

Now, as much as I like direct communication I found myself in quite a predicament this morning. My family was paid a visit by the most unlikely of people. A beautiful Brazilian woman had accompanied close family friends to our home. This woman was stunning. A vision of perfection to steal a line from Coming to America. My mother quickly swooped down upon this young woman with a myriad of questions.

How old are you? Are you single? Followed by statements such as, "I don't have time to play?" I quickly moved to apologize to our gorgeous guest so as not to make her any more uneasy than she already was. Our guest was graceful and replied with a smile. Leave it to my mom to make one of my life principals a complete embarrassment for me.

Nevertheless, I maintained my stance on direct communication. My Uncle asked me, "Isn't she beautiful." I replied in her presence with a smile, "That goes without saying." I believe in complimenting people and letting them know that you recognize them...Direct Communication.

After the young lady departed our family home my grandmother made a statement that took me by surprise. She said, "You'd have plenty of babies if you married that one." All I could do is laugh and agree. Hey, when you're right you're right. I guess direct communication is a family trait. The apple never falls far from the tree.

BUYER BEWARE!

My best friend has a theory concerning why woman find themselves so disappointed in the mate they have chosen. Ya see, my friend believes there is a fundamental difference between men and women concerning how they choose those they engage with on an intimate level.

My friend states that women purchase (make relational decisions) based upon the "potential" of the individual. In other words, women try to look into the crystal ball of life and see if a man will be a good provider, father, husband, lover, successful, etc... Women are writing scripts without paper or pen. It's one thing to believe in a persons skills and abilities and something completely different to count on that person to one day fulfill their full potential.

Potential is just that, potential. Meaning, possible as oppose to actual. This is a major source of distress in relationships. Samuel Chand states that, "conflict is the difference between expectation and reality." Since women make decisions based upon expectation and potential they have set in motion a clear path to conflict.

Don't get me wrong, we all have expectations when we enter into any type of agreement, be it relational or not. The issue is that few agreements come with the same impact and consequence as a relationship. The conflict that arises from such expectations are magnified more so by the approach of the man.

On the opposite side of women purchasing products on the spectrum of "potential" is the man who purchases the product before him. Men don't enter into a relational agreement with hopes of a woman losing weight, becoming a better cook, working if she said she wasn't, or any other issues (There is one exception to this rule: Men will hope against hope that there female counterpart will become more open sexually.) By and large, men take a woman as they are. They also have no expectation for change on their own part.

You can see how this creates conditions for a perfect storm. On one hand you have women going into the relationship with expectation for change to meet their wants. On the other hand you have men going in with little to no expectation for change on any parties part. I experienced this because I have great upside.

I'm a smart, intelligent, spiritual, hard working man with two degrees. I have family members with a pedigree of upper middle/upper class that I was at one point closely connected with (in other words...networking). While in college I held internships at a major law firm, at one point held two jobs while going to school full time, attended dinners with the upper echelon, and met high ranking political officials via my family. Add to that, my regular maintenance of leadership in various organizations and a woman might think the future is looking bright.

I sincerely believe my wife held this view of me. I remember one of her close friends telling her, "One thing you know for sure...he will always work." It was good to have someone in my corner that believed in me. However, belief turned to expectation. Then reality set in and conflict arose. My wife bought the potential. She got the reality. And then had difficulty accepting the facts. This led to disaster.

I only ask that you be smart about your choices in love. Don't set yourself up for failure. Take a person just as they are. If they grow it's a bonus. If they maintain, you got what you paid for. I believe that this approach would make all the difference in relationships. If you can't take someone as they are then my advice would be, BUYER BEWARE.

GAME OVER

I read a book a few months ago that I may have mentioned once before. It is call the Denzel Principal by Jimi Izrael. It is a fascinating book about relationships between black men and women from a man's perspective. I found it to be quite enjoyable and informative at the same time.

The book addresses the dilemma of black women's cry that they can't find a good black man. Izrael theorizes that the problem is the unrealistic expectations widely accepted and pursued by Black women. I believe much of what he has to say to be true. Don't get me wrong, I don't agree with all of Mr. Izrael's opinions (the book gets pretty wild), but I do think he has cause. I highly recommend you purchase a copy for the shear purpose of entertainment alone.

One of the points Izrael makes clear is that men are no match for women when it comes to playing games. We are outmatched both in wit and strategy. He appeals that men should recognize this truth from the jump so as not to fool themselves and fall further into the trap. The game of relationships is clearly in the arena of women. Relationships are their specialty. From their beginning they study them, form them, pursue them, and destroy them. We are no match for their skill.

I have come to accept this as truth. I have never been much of a gamer. As smart as I may think I am I can't quite crack the relationship code. The volley back and forth between myself and women is a source of "enjoyable frustration." It's enjoyable because I find women so intriguing (I love em'). And frustrating because I can't figure them out.

Relationships are not mathematical equations. They are not even an art. They are something of another dimension. Women live in this dimension. Men can't find the portal. I was outmatched by a woman recently. Her eyes spoke so much while her voice so little. I longed to know the truth of her thoughts but she would only speak in riddles and circular logic (on purpose I might add). So, there I was and am at the mercy of a woman that is enjoying every bit of the cat and mouse game. Helpless to stop myself. Hopeless to figure out the mystery that is femininity.

Man's great disadvantage to women may speak to the reason so many men choose a significant other in the a younger age bracket. A woman that has had any exposure to the world is a steep challenge to overcome and conquer. They have played the game, been burned, and have learned the ways of the feminine relationship samurai. Younger women typically have not progressed to this level of relationship mastery. A wise man can shape and mold her as she is still a spring chicken, a new blossoming flower ripe for picking. Point men.

I submit to the supremacy of women in this area. I'm not going to try to out game them or to even figure it out. I don't make the rules (which can change from moment to moment). I don't draw the lines of play. I am simply one of many on the field of battle trying my best to make to safety and not be destroyed by it all. I hope I don't use up all of my lives as I maneuver through the land minds of the female mind. If I do, GAME OVER!

Courage

This journey of life has taught me one clear lesson, COURAGE is needed. Courage is defined as: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty. It is without doubt that life will encompass danger, fear, and difficulty. So, what is one to do with such promising prospects?

You have only two real choices when faced with life's harsh realities. The first choice is to cower and shrink back from the world before you hoping to hold on to what you have left. This is not a great option. One of the great truisms of life is that you are either gaining or losing. Rarely can one simply maintain. Money is either increasing or decreasing. The same with strength, wisdom, spiritual formation and so on. Hence the decision to shrink back and hold is actually a decision to slowly lose all. This type of thing will frustrate an individual because he won't know why he is losing when he isn't moving? Answer; because while you are standing still everything else is moving on.

The second choice one is presented with is to put your head down and run forward as hard as you can enduring the blows and gaining ground. This is the option I have chosen. You can't avoid pain, suffering, heartbreak, fear, difficulty, or loss. What you can do is continue to move forward and enjoy life's experiences as they come. You can make every moment count. A courageous life is not a life void of fear. It is life in the midst of fear. It is the ability to enjoy the great pleasures while persevering through great pain and learning from it.

Jesus Christ, the greatest man to have ever walked the earth, was not void of disappointment. He was not without danger. Yet, he pressed on through life with determination and purpose. I hold him as our highest and greatest example. He is the model for living. Hence, though life may crucify you, you must press through the it all to get to the other side of joy...which is redemption.

One of my favorite movies is The Matrix. Agent Smith, the primary villain, is at one point completely destroyed by Neo the hero. At the beginning of the next installment of the movie series Agent Smith leaves a message fore Neo. In the message he thanks Neo for setting him free. It may be rare that you learn a life lesson from a villain but one is here. It was in the destruction of Agent Smith's paradigm of existence that he truly lived life and was set free. He was no longer operating by fear but by a fearless determination to continue on.

I plead with you to choose the road of courage. The road of fear and disappointment only produces the same. It is a miserable living with so few benefits. This life promises pain and suffering. I ask the question, "If you are going to suffer, why not suffer for a purpose?" There is no purpose in fear. Purpose can be found in courage.

Is it real?

Lately, folks that are close to me have questioned the authenticity of my recovery. They wonder if I am masking, faking, or putting up a front to cover the pain I feel inside. I don't knock the question because it does seem as though I have made some long jumps from being emotionally distraught to relatively stable.

I have not tried to put up a front. If you know me you know that I try to be as honest and direct as possible. I have know interest in fooling others. At the end of the day I would only be fooling myself. I have long held the belief that a person should be able to put there whole heart and passion into pursuing their dreams, goals, and aspirations, and recover and continue on if they fall short.

This takes great emotional strength. Most people find the disappointments of life so frustrating that they can not continue to even think about dreams much less pursue them. There is something to not trying so you never feel the sting of failure. Please be certain, the breakdown of my marriage was indeed a failure. In fact, it is likely my greatest failure. Nevertheless, I press on.

Only time will tell if I am "keeping it real." I am hopeful, energized, and driven to press on at this moment in time. I am enjoying life in every aspect and at every moment. I don't live and die on every instance that takes place. Instead, I take things as they come and recognize that ups and downs are a reality of life. I have found great freedom and comfort in the truth of ebb and flow.

Hear me clearly, I am not 100% healed. The pain cuts deep. Yet, I won't allow my pain to stop me from living life. For the first time in a while I think I understand the point of continuing to live even in the midst of the 9/11 tragedy. It wasn't that we were to ignore the crushing blow we suffered as a nation. It was that we would press through and show our resolve even in our grief and sorrow. I have sad times. I have regrets. I have pain. None of that will stop me from living life. Is it real? Only time will tell.

DOES TIME HEAL ALL.....

It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't know if that's true. There may be a remission of the feelings associated with the wounds. However, one word, one picture, one saying could bring them all back like a flood. Is that healing? I think not.

As I go through this journey of recovery from destruction I find that women keep telling me I need "time to heal and enjoy you." I make the distinction that only women have told me this because I haven't heard such a thing from men. Men are cautious about entering into a serious relationship. Men have cautioned me about living a play boy life style. Men have cautioned me not to walk this rode alone. I don't think any of them told me to take time to figure myself out.

I think this is because men and women are built and do function differently. Women need time to process. They need time to feel. They need time to cry, eat ice cream, watch love stories, and make painful mistakes that only add to the sorrow. On the other hand, men need time to be pissed. They need to be angry, spend some money, engage the ladies, and get back to work on career goals (all this in the first few weeks). Men and women are just different.

I know it doesn't happen exactly that way but close. I am willing to give credence to what the women are saying if only they can ask one question; "How long does it take?" If someone can prescribe a time frame and what I need to do (specific) I would take that prescription like my life depended upon it. I don't want to sit around idle. My mind processes quickly and I have plenty of time to "process" as is.

I'm not interested in taking years to repair my heart and re-enter the field of play. Don't get me wrong I do want to repair my heart but I can't see sitting out for years. Hell, I'll be near retirement by that point. Besides, it's tough being patient in this age of instant pudding. What's worse is that it does not seem to be up to me as to when I am "healed." Despite what I say, the decision is in the woman's hands. Ain't that about a Bitch?

Look, time is only of use if you use the time wisely. If I'm just sitting around reflecting on my life (something I do often) I don't believe I will find healing at all. If there is an action plan for restoration I'm all for it. For me, I think part of the plan is being open to engage women in a manner that is not based on the physicality of the relationship but the essence of the person. I'm not looking for love and Lord knows I'm not ready for that. I am enjoying the company of women and I'm open to those relationships growing...come what may.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Growing up as a young man respect is a serious matter. It's even more serious when you're in the hood. A man wants to establish himself as a man. He doesn't want people to mess with him or his family. He wants R-E-S-P-E-C-T. The same is true today. I hear young men say, "Do you know who I am?" The question is an issue of respect. If a person is known they have respect, clout, notoriety. This can be accomplished a number of ways.

Respect can be obtained through money, fighting skill, sports, the ability to pull women, associations (family, friends, gang, etc...), and just being "cool." There is another way of gaining respect. It takes more work in some respects. You can gain it through character. This takes time. One's character will be tested for a long time. People are always watching your every move waiting for you to fall.

This was the route I went. I didn't know it at the time but I was developing character. I've always been a good guy. I was raised to do the right thing even when others were doing the wrong thing. I've always stood up for people being picked on, I didn't start fights but I didn't run either, I was polite and gave honor to my elders. I played sports but I was hardly a star. Over the years I gained a respect from my hood that I don't think many folks had. I remember listening to some guys talk about stealing my mom's car. When they identified it was my mom they said "don't steal that one." Respect is a great thing....or is it?

Respect has not always gone my way. Especially when it comes to the ladies. I have often thought that my good guy image was killing the bad girl that wanted to come out. People tend to assimilate to those around them. If they are in their element and they feel free they will be who they are. If they feel the need to change it up they will do that. I often feel like people are on their best behavior around me. In short I think that women that would otherwise have a good time button it up when I come around.

I've seen this happen over the years with my friends. They toned it down when I came around. They even wouldn't invite me to certain events out of respect for me. I hated that. I remember being told by one of the chaperone's at my prom that she overheard a bunch of girls saying that I was a real man and that they respected me in the women's rest room. That was all good and well but a brotha wasn't gettin' no play. Just once I would like to be a regrettable event. I would like to be someone that women were sorry they entertained (not really I just want to be treated like other men).

I know there are consequences for that type of reputation and behavior. Even still, I just want to be a "piece of shit" for one night. As I once said, "Use me!" I highly doubt this will ever happen. People can change but I don't think I will ever be able to go that route. Yet and still I feel like I'm missing out. Respect ain't worth nothin' when your talking sex, money, or career. I've got mad respect, few dollars, no title, and no action. Ah well.......such is life.

EASY FUN

I recently hung out with a female friend of mine. We had a few drinks and took in a movie. More than the drinks and the movie we laughed, a lot. IDK if that's how dates are suppose to go but I had a great time. As did she (I know cause she told me so). I've hung out with a few different women. This experience was different.

I have been out to breakfast with women, lunch with women, and dinner with women. Those experiences were cool but not like this one. I have hung at women's homes and even spent the night....but it wasn't like this. There was something distinct about those experiences that differed from this one.

What is the difference you might ask? Those other experiences had a "work" feel to them. The conversation was laborious at times (something most people would tell you they wouldn't believe would ever be a problem for me). Don't get me wrong I can talk with anyone but those just had moments where the conversation stalled. We still talk from time to time but it seems to have lost it's essence in some ways.

The time spent with my friend this past week was easy. We spent about six hours of consecutive time together. The laughs just kept coming. I was energized by the conversation. I feel drained at times from my interactions with people. This was nothing like that. The flow came with ease on both sides.

I'm sure you're thinking that I'm smitten for my friend and going in deep. Not at all. As far as I'm concerned company is company. I have no expectations for development of the relationship or physical engagement. I just enjoy hanging out with the person.

It could be that she's a black conservative and knows it. It could be that she is a movie fan as I am. It could be that she likes beer and you should already know where I stand on that. It could be that she's just a fun person and we had a good time. Whatever it is, it was easy fun.

KEEP IT IN THE CLOSET

Some things are best kept a secret. People have come to believe that intimacy and closeness is achieved by being utterly and completely open to others. It sounds like it's the right thing to do. After all, you want to be free to be who you are with the one you love. You want to be able to share your hurts, your joys, your dreams, your fears....and even your regrets. This may not be the best route to intimacy.

I can remember a woman telling me that she felt the need to share her sexual history with her man in an attempt to be open and honest. She really believed that her man had a right, if not an outright need, to know what she had done. I had to pump her breaks and stop the madness. What she was proposing to do would have been a relationship bomb.

There really is no need to open the book of sex on your life with your current partner. Certainly, there is a need to be honest if you have infections or disease but no need to discuss the sexual history just to do it. Women may have a threshold for this type of thing (though I doubt it). Let me be clear, MEN DON'T.

What number of sex partners is acceptable to a man? Zero! Some say it's male ego. Some say it's the physiology of it all. I can't say for certain what it is, I just know that it is. Men can not handle the thought of their woman being with another man. Men would like to take the position that they were the first, only, and best that their woman has ever had. Anything over zero is too much to handle.

Don't get me wrong, men will entertain stories of sexual conquest if their only intention is to hit. In such situations men only want to get the goods and move on. Talking about your sexual escapades only opens the door for a new sexual escapade. This is not the case for men that want a meaningful relationship. They just don't want to know.

Telling a man about your sexual past won't improve your relationship. It won't bring you closer. It won't bring about connection. It will be a driving wedge that will forever be a bone of contention. If you find the need to discuss your past talk to your friends, your pastor, or a therapist. Whatever you do, don't talk to your man about it. Don't even talk to your man if you want to tell him he's the best you've ever had. Same effect. Just keep it in the closet.

THE NUMBERS GAME

Don't believe what anybody tells you, size matters. It makes a difference in how a person perceives you, what they think about you, and what they feel safe doing with you. Your number could make all the difference in the world. It could instill confidence and trust or it could bring doubt and destruction. What number am I talking about? Your sex partner number.

We live in a day and age where having sex is akin to shaking hands. Some people go out to meet someone new with full intentions of having sex with them. This is incredibly dangerous when you consider the numbers on STD's (25%, 1 out of every 4). It is equally dangerous when you consider the long term emotion impact such behavior can have.

There are many different theories on what is acceptable sexual behavior among the sexes. For men it's easy. Have sex with as many women as you can. End of story. However, the theories on women are much different. As liberal as folks say they are it's hard for a woman to overcome the stigma of sleeping around.

I have one friend that holds to the belief that a woman having sex with her boyfriend is acceptable. That sounds OK in theory. However, when you consider that people can have multiple "boyfriends" in a years time. That number can get real high real quick. I don't care how you characterize those relationships at some point there can be no explanation for those high stats.

I knew a woman in college that reported 27 different partners by age 19. That is some serious activity at such a young age. Sadly, I don't think her report is all that uncommon. What man can deal with that high number? How could he ever feel special? He will likely feel like the next one in line. Not a good look.

I will only touch on the impact such behavior can have on future relationships. The comparisons, the thoughts, the burn out on sex (one becomes bored when you've done everything with everybody). The shame associated with such activity is another issue. And like I said before, God forbid that you contract an STD. Game over...or not depending on your conscience.

This is an issue I'm running into with women. At this age it's hard to find women that don't have crazy miles on them. I'm sure women have that problem too. With all the disease that's out in the world it's hard not to have that in the back of your mind. Truly safe sex is one of the benefits of a dedicated marriage. Plus, I think women that have a lot miles have a lot of emotional baggage on them. It's just too much. The numbers game is crazy. Stop while your ahead. If you can't stop, at least slow down long enough to get the first and last name.

THE LIFE LESSONS OF BEER

I am a beer fan. This is not some, "I drink beer to get drunk and cause it's cheap", type of thing. I am truly a beer lover. In many ways beer is like wine. It varies in flavor, color, and creation. It can be used to compliment a meal (Certain beers are fantastic with beef). It's versatile. I'm such a fan I'm about to learn how to brew my own. I'm definitely making a trip to the local brewery for a tour. I love beer.

As a beer lover I'm open to trying all kinds. I'm always in search of a new hops and barley experience. I've tried the lights, the foreign, the canned, the glass, the tap, the blueberry (yes, that was a mistake), and many more. I once tried Guinness Extra Stout. It was too thick for me, too potent. I thought it was absolutely disgusting. I asked, "who would drink this stuff?"

As life would have it I happen to have a couple of Guinness' sitting in my fridge. I did not want to drink them but I wanted a beer and didn't feel like going to buy any. So while holding my nose, I opened the bottle and took a sip. To my surprise it was no longer repulsive. It was quite satisfying. I drank it all and enjoyed every drop of it. Who knew that at the bottom of the bottle would be a life lesson?

What I have come to find is that you can't drink all beers the same way. I like light beer, white beers, and domestic brews. I have typically not been a fan of more potent beers because you have to take them a little slower. Well, I figured out that I was trying to take Guinness too fast. It is not meant to be guzzled, but to be sipped and savored. The results were significantly better.

The same is true in relationships. Sure, as a man with needs and desires I would love to cut straight to the chase and get busy. Downing women (like beer) with the quickness...saying on to the next one. To be sure, there is pleasure in that experience. However, if you slow down and take in all that a woman has to offer then you may find the experience to be much more satisfying (like my Guinness).

You may have been bitter on quick hit and quit relationships. That's probably because they weren't meant for that type of activity. People are full bodied, heavy, and potent with substance and personality. They can't be ingested quickly. No, no...they must be sipped and savored. Taken in slowly so you can enjoy every bit of it. Take a lesson from the beer, slow down and you find it quite satisfying.

I HAVE FOUND THE ENEMY

Earlier today I was enlightened by an old friend why I'm so lost in the dating game. I would love to maintain my line that I've been out the game for more than a decade and as a dedicated husband I have lost track of how the game is played. The truth is, I never had a hold of the game in the first place. Let's take a look at the issues.

Issue 1-Doubt

I was confronted today with the fact that if a woman is not interested then she wouldn't agree to spend time with you. Certainly, there are gold digging Chic's out there that will take a free meal at every turn. However, assuming all things are equal one should assume that if a woman will spend time with a person they have some level of genuine interest. I was always cautious and doubtful and consequently short circuited my own relationship.

Issue 2-Inclusion

I was informed that I did not take enough time to let relationships develop apart from the circle of friends. In my past life I did not designate time for 1 on 1 time so I could see the real person and they could see the real me. There is some evidence/arguments that say that people are the real them in group settings. Not always true. Some are, some aren't. This was a major mistake. If I could allow people to be comfortable in privacy then perhaps they would unveil themselves? Women are creatures of discretion....they crave privacy.



Issue 3-NERD

I can't deny what I am. I am a straight up nerd. I was able to cover some of this by my involvement in sports in high school. Being a jock has great benefits of friendship and notoriety. However, I am at my core a nerd. I'm a thinker. I like to read, write, politic, and think through things to no end. I'm funny and entertaining (in a know it all nerd type of way). Consequently, women have a tough time seeing themselves with me cause I'm not the norm. Maybe, that would change if I got paid like a nerd......hold that thought.

Issue 4-Friend Zone

Building off the issue of inclusion (too much, too soon, too often) I bring women into the Friend Zone. I thought it was the women that were putting me in the zone (Read I Might Be Gay). All this time it was me. By bringing women into the fold too soon it creates an atmosphere where they become one of the guys. Bad move. This leads to an undesired result....friends, not lovers. I do this all the time. Even if I don't bring women into the fold I tend to treat them like one of the guys. Tada!!! Friend Zone.

Issue 5-Unclear Intentions

Women are all about security. It's hard for them to make a move on a hunch. They want to know what the deal is up front. This is why they press for boundaries on the relationship, definition, and direction. I can be unclear as to my intentions in a relationship and leave women guessing. I'd be better off telling women I'm trying to hit rather than just leaving it out there. Woman aren't going to wait on a maybe when they have a yes else where. Make a move or the woman will. It's hard to be taken serious when you roll like this.

Issue 6-Clam Bake

Coming up my boys were always surprised at how I could spark a conversation with women. It was easy and still is for the most part. I have the gift of gab and know how to use it to engage folks. What I don't have is confidence when it comes to women I'm really interested in. I clam up big time (NERD) and self-destruct. Not a good look.

I'm sure there are more issues but I'm going to stop for now. I might revisit this issue as more clarity comes. As the famous saying goes, "I have found the enemy and he is me!" It's sad but true. The great, late, Ron Johnson taught the first enemy the warrior (Man) must face is self. Boy, ain't that the truth. I will be kicking myself for days to come on this issue. My life could be significantly different had I been able to overcome my issues.