My Life Sucks

With each new day comes new information as to how much my life sucks. There are a myriad of issues that I just can't disclose at this time as I have no idea how I'm going to proceed nor how they will ultimately effect others. There are issues that I face personally, issues that my family is facing, issues that my friends are facing, and the general state of life in American at this time.

I have no idea or thoughts on my own personal future. I don't particularly care for my job or the politics surrounding it at this time. I hate where I live but I don't see a way out that I can sleep with at this time. I think I need a new career but opportunities are few and far between. I've come to find at various moments that my family has some pretty warped opinions of me and I don't really care for them much anymore.

I have financial issues that are simply outpacing my efforts. I have a second job that I'm thankful to have but bores me to death. I come to an agreement to address my issues only to have them changed in the writing of the contract and back to the drawing board all over again as though that conversation never took place. I seem to make head way at work only to have it all turned around, then coming back to my original proposal at the end when it's too late.

I have few friends that I actually see face to face. I have some friends that only seem interested in seeing me if I'm at church or a church related service. In some ways I feel like I have no friends. Once a life full of activity, phone calls, and social interaction. Now a life filled with quiet time at home, no phone calls apart from those wanting money, and very limited social interaction outside of work.

My health is taking a real dive right now. I haven't felt normal or healthy for about a month now. My blood pressure is going through the roof and my weight is going right along with it. It would seem I'm depressed once again and that I have little motivation for much of anything. I think about calling off from work daily. And, I think of letting most everything I've been fighting for go. I have no insight, no plan, no reprieve, no peace, only madness. Life sucks.

Who needs TV?

I am a big movie/TV guy! I could watch movies or shows pretty much all day long. I love a good story, the triumphal victory, the melding of two hearts. I really love the capturing of the human spirit on film. Many times while watching shows you'll come across events that can only happen on television...well that you think could only happen on television.

This past week has presented me with some pretty dramatic activity in the realm of reality. One female associate of mine is pregnant by a man she has only been dating for a short period of time. In the meantime, the father of her first child has declared his love for her and wants to reunite. She's wanted this for a long time but as you can see the timing is all bad. Add to that a bunch of details in the background story and you have a made for television real life drama.

Another female associate has decided to give a good guy a chance. He's been after her for long time now and he loves her. She knows he's a nice guy and sincere in his declaration of love. Problem is, she's just not into the guy like that. On the other hand, she has a man in her life that just causes her to lose all cool when he's around. She struggles to refuse his advances. Problem is, he's not looking for commitment and she's the one chasing him. She knows he's bad for her in this way but she's addicted to him. She doesn't want to hurt the nice guy, but she doesn't want him.

Yet, another woman I know has a jealous, controlling, abusive guy in her life that may actually threaten her life. The guy has gone so far as to spy on her and those she spends time with. This is a rather chilling and scary story to say the least. It has a made for lifetime feel to it. Stuck in the middle of all this she's not sure what course of action to take. It's the type of drama that keeps you watching on TV and that you hope you never encounter in real life.

Needless to say, there's plenty of drama in the lives people we all know. Truth is, if you get to know folks you will find their life stories to be quite compelling if it is told correctly. I have not had cable for about a year or so now. Normally I read heavily when I don't have cable. Truth is, I don't miss it so much. When you have real life unfolding before your very eyes you don't need make-believe to entertain you or stimulate your mind. TV, who needs it?

How Perfection Destroy's

Last night I watched the movie Tron: Legacy. It was a interesting movie. The graphics were great. I was impressed by the presence of an old Jeff Bridges along side a young Jeff Bridges. The movie had some pretty hefty themes throughout. It was much more than a sci-fi, special effects flick.

One of the themes that were present and pronounced in the movie was the pursuit of perfection. The dilemma in the movie all stems from one man's desire to achieve perfection. I have found that the goal of perfection is one of significant danger. It endangers the good. It almost always results in the seizure of control over all things. And, it ultimately ends with destruction instead of perfection.

Look at leaders such as Hitler. He sought to create a nation, even a world, of perfect people (as he saw them). The results were mass homicide, the takeover of half the world, and finally destruction. Even now, those that seek to reach perfection are doing so by seizing control and ruling with an iron fist over others.

It's my belief that human beings are incapable of reaching perfection. Hence, the pursuit of such a thing is maddening and only exacerbates what we are-fallen. In the end, we appear as perfectly fallen and depraved beings. For that is what we are. This isn't to say that we ought not shoot for the stars and seek to improve. This is to say that we do in fact have limitations that must be recognized.

I find that the issue itself is not in pursuit of better things. But instead, the issue is the discarding of timeless principles. Principles must always remain. They are the foundation and building blocks of society. When we discard those principles we plunge ourselves into chaos. All the while claiming a serious search for perfection.

In order for one to achieve perfection we must be able to control the variables. Hence, we try to put in place as many controls as possible to limit the unpredictable, uncontrollable, variables. Problem is, there are too many variables outside of our control. As a result we are corrupted by the whole process. As it has been said, "Absolute power corrupts absolutely."

People do this in all facets of life. Love, career, sport...We destroy what is good because we want something that is neither real nor attainable. People remain unhappy because life does not match their perfect world mindset. They will always be unhappy because it never will. The great Tony Dungy said that the reason the Super Bowl loser does not make the playoffs the following year is because they change the way they play looking to correct the imperfection that led to their loss. This is a mistake. The reality isn't that something was broken but that they were beat by the better performing team that day.

Such is life. Stop killing what is good by the mythical perfect. Enjoy life. Experience it in all of it's goodness, both the sun and the rain. Don't drive yourself crazy with fruitless work. Don't sit around and pout about what is not. Get up, go, do, be...LIVE. Perfection is not a requirement for a pleasing life.

IT NEVER FAILS...

I have a old high school classmate that I'm friends with on FB. She's an attractive lady and quite photogenic. The pictures she post tend to catch my attention. Along with her pictures are her outrageous FB status post. She often makes provocative, double antandra, type post. She recently posted, "I think he "Rothlisbergered" me." I'll let you figure that one out for yourselves.

In addition to outright crazy stuff she often makes comments about her dating/love life. I've noticed that she has a pattern. She starts out saying that she desires some kind of male companionship. Then she makes post referring to the every mysterious "him." Then she talks about whoever this guy is and the great things he does. So far, so good.

I recently noticed one such post about two weeks ago. Apparently, whoever she was dating at the time brought her entire office lunch. She couldn't stop singing this guys praises. I was reluctant to jump in on the celebration (not because I'm negative, just because I know better). I sat back and chuckled to myself because I knew sooner or later the last phase of the cycle was soon to come.

Sure enough, not but a few days later she was dogging the hell out of this guy. She was making over-dramatic claims on a lifetime of loneliness and whatnot. I smiled a bit, because I could see it. Then I wonder, can she see it? So many people go through life and really believe that they're so shielded, deep, and complicated. Meanwhile, they're as see through as a glass window. I have to imagine that a little honest self-reflection could stop the cycle of disappointment. Until then, the cycle shall continue. It never fails.

STAY IN CHARACTER

I recently had a conversation with a childhood friend about her recent news that she is pregnant. I was taken by surprise because just a few weeks before she told me that she had a tough time keeping men or men keeping her. She was saying that she was in a relationship with a guy that seemed like the right guy but like so many others turned out to be a jerk. She spoke as a person that was single and looking for a man.

Hence, when I found out she was pregnant I had to ask what was the deal? She confirmed that she was pregnant and then continued on to tell me that the father has been a real jerk about it. Like so many other pregnant single women I know, she went on to dog the guy out. Knowing this woman to be a rather intelligent and prudent person I had to ask how she ended up being pregnant by such a person? She gave me one of the best and most clear answers I've ever heard.

My friend stated that she was out of CHARACTER. She said that she did everything different in this relationship than she had done in the past including moving quickly and carefree. She admitted that what she did wasn't right and that she had made peace with God. I was impressed by her candidness and honesty. So many women I know get offended when I press them about their role in the selection of bed mates and co-parents. She didn't. I could tell she had done some self-reflection and wasn't afraid of the truth.

My friend's response caused me to reflect. What a nugget of truth and instruction she had given me. STAY IN CHARACTER. It's when we step out of character that things go wrong. I have looked at myself and seen that when I do things that aren't who I am, I end up regretting my actions, hoping my behavior doesn't cause some seismic destruction, and asking myself how could I have done such a thing? I've done some foolish things over the past year. Thankfully, as far as I can tell, none of them have been particularly destructive (though they had the power to do so).

Stay in character. It's easy. It's better. It's who you are. Mistakes will be made no matter what you do in life. It is a part of our fallen human nature. At least you can look back and know that you were you when you made those mistakes. You can learn from and make adjustments at your core. Doing things out of character can often lead us into situations that forever altar our lives. Play the role you were meant to play.

NO RESPECT...

I got a call from the X the other day chastising me for taking my kids out to play when they were supposedly sick. She immediately started in on "how it's not a good idea..." I wasn't surprised by her accusations. This has been her disposition towards me for as long as I can remember. She seemed to always assume the worst. Always assuming I made some asinine decision based in absolute foolishness.

Problem is, and always has been, that she was wrong. She was wrong about the kids being sick while I took them out to play. Truth is, only one of them expressed any feeling of illness after all the play time had taken place. The other child never expressed any feelings of illness. This particular instant isn't the problem, it's merely an example of what the problem is.

For some reason my X has always approached me this way. Like I'm missing a marble or two. To be certain, I make mistakes like everyone else. But to accuse me of purposely taking children outside in cold weather while knowing they're ill is a bit much. It draws into question my character, my parenting, and my common sense. It shows a complete lack of respect.

I wish I could tell you when this all started. I wish I could pin point what I did that would make her address me in such a way. I wish I knew what foolish thing I did that seems to forever marred her image of me. I can not. What I do know is that his is more support as to why I will never consider reconciliation (a friend of my keeps asking about reconciliation and I keep saying no). Why would any self-respecting man place himself in a situation where he would have to endure the questioning of his most basic decision making as if he's some immature child? I sure as hell wouldn't and I won't.

I chuckled when this most recent conversation came to an end. I thought to myself, "Some things never change." Respect is a major issue for men. It is a make or break issue in relationships. If you want to kill your relationship with any man quickly, disrespect him. Doesn't matter if you have money, education, incredible sex, buy him gifts, and you're fine as hell...disrespect a man and he will disappear. And so it continues to be with me. I will not tolerate disrespect.

When the hunter becomes the prey

I have long maintained that the goal of anyone dating and in pursuit of another's heart has a goal of becoming the hunted. In such situations you chase and chase and chase and you know you have them, not when you have them in your grasp but when they are pursuing you. This is the clear and supreme sign that you have won the heart of the one you desire.

I'm witnessing such a change take place at work right now. I have a client that had a court ordered protection order brought against him the love of his life. He actually was arrested and found himself in my care as the result of violating this court order. No matter how many conversations, no matter how many reminders of why he was confined, no matter how many times he affirmed that he understood and would not contact this woman, at the end of the day he couldn't help himself. He called her every single day.

Recently, for no particular reason, this guy has stopped calling her. In fact, he hasn't called her for about a month. Oddly enough, the woman that complained about his bothersome calls is now calling me and asking about the well-being of this individual. She now calls several times a week inquiring about the man indicating that she is missing his calls. Today, I received a letter addressed to this man from this woman. I couldn't help but smile thinking, "The prey has become the predator."

This is a common happening among people. The man that has long chased after the woman of his dreams finally gets tired or worse-over her. And at that time she finally wakes up to what she had chasing her. Not all, but some women think that the man will give chase forever. He won't. In fact, in the saddest of cases he'll entertain the woman giving chase but only to exact revenge by sleeping with her and moving on. I don't recommend such things but it happens.

On the good side of things is when the chased become the aggressor and they chase the heart of the other. Then you have two people chasing the hearts of one another seeking to love them, please them, and enjoy them. That's what this is all about. So many stop chasing. They stop short of creating something beautiful and lasting because they take for granted the heart of the one they desired. I think I made this mistake in my marriage. I was going through the motions in a lot of ways. That was a mistake. Anyway, happy hunting.

CAN'T HELP EM'

It's a sad thing to say, but you just can't help them all (people). I have always been a person that has sought to help my friends, family, associates, and even complete strangers. I believe in people helping people. Everybody needs a hand up once in a while. However, lately I've noticed that the people I have found myself surrounded by don't really want help.

My best friend bitches and moans daily, if not by the second, about his job. I don't knock him for hating his job. I used to have the same exact job. In fact, I used to bitch and moan about having the same job. I can remember literally getting sick to my stomach daily as I made the drove to work, sick because of what awaited me. Although I can relate to the ongoing bitching and moaning (which people just don't understand until they've had to work in this environment), there is a major difference between the two of us-I DID WHAT NEEDED TO BE DONE TO GET OUT!

I can remember calling all of my friends, all of my family, all of my contacts, trying desperately to find a way out. I can remember applying for job after job after job. I can remember going to interviews just to see what the opportunity was in hope of something different. I also remember standing in line for hours at those cow herding events known as job fairs. Finally when all else failed, I enrolled in grad school, moved to third shift, and worked my ass off for two and half years to get the skills needed to do something I wanted to do. I couldn't spend my life complaining about things. I had to take action.

My friend(s) seem to lack that drive. They seem to be missing that fire inside that doesn't just complain but does something about it. Pity parties are poppin' off all over the place as unhappy people do little to address the situation, taking hold of those things within their control and moving forward. This is not some holier than thou, make myself feel better by looking down on others, diatribe. People that know my friends in light conversation and brief interactions have made comments about their complaining and lack of activity. This is real.

My friend has made attempts to go back to school only to have those plans foiled by a non-cooperative schedule (one that could have been easily maneuvered though inconvenient). Even now, they speak of returning to school. But there is a caveat...they have to have the right work schedule. It would seem that every plan, every ploy, every effort, has a contingency that blocks the way to freedom. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be a struggle. But the freedom is worth it!

On my side I've done a lot to help my friend out. I've opened up doors, done research, identified employment opportunities, and more. All that, only to have my friend not so much as apply to the jobs I've sent him. He always says, "Thanks, I'll check that out." I've come to the point where I see jobs that he could get but I think why waste my time? Yet, amidst all these he speaks of job seeking and the frustrations of not being able to find much.

He's not my only friend that's like that. I have quite a few people in my circle that function that way and I have to wonder how this has happened? I've always been a go getter type of guy. To be certain my "go getness" has slowed in recent years. Still, I keep fighting for what I'm after even when it seems futile. How could I have surrounded myself with people that aren't of like mind. It's true, those around you will rub off on you or you'll rub off on them. I don't think I'm doing the rubbin' right about now.

In light of the differences in life approach and response to hardship I have come to the wise conclusion that you just can't help em' all. There was a time in the Bible where God instructed a person to stop praying for a group of people. It seems so un-Christian that I had to look at it over and over again. God just knew what the man wasn't willing to concede yet-they had chosen their end. I feel that way now about some folks. It's not that we can't hang. It's not that I'm not pulling for them anymore. It's not even like I won't assist when asked. It is that I won't be putting any extra effort on my part to help them out. All it does is frustrate me, strain the relationship, and.....I'll be damned if it does anything for them. It's tough concluding that I can't help them all.

HATED...

I recently paid a visit to my friends new apartment. He's been there for about three months now and I figured it was time to see it. My friend lives with his girlfriend who is a decade younger than he is. She's really never been out of school since she began. She's gone from elementary, to middle school, to high school, to college, to grad school (where she is now). She's got no children, never been married, and apart from short stints in college style apartments has never lived on her own. Now that the background is laid allow me to continue.

When I arrived at my friends spot it was just he and I. We immediately left and headed to restaurant around the corner. As always, we had a great time. Laughed hard...embarrassingly hard. After consuming a ton of food and pausing the laughter long enough to pay the bill we returned to his apartment. The jokes continued and things seemed like old days, until....

Until his girlfriend showed up. When she entered the room my friends voice went up an octave as he greeted her. It was almost child like in some senses. I greeted her as well but she hardly turned her body as she mumbled out a fading hello. Before I knew it, my friend and his girl were in the bedroom. I could hear voices exchanging between the two but nothing intelligible. My friend returned to the day area and his girlfriend remained in the bedroom where she was supposedly taking a nap.

I knew something had changed. My friend didn't seem as free to speak and laugh as he had been prior to his girls arrival. Our interchanges weren't free flowing. He seemed distracted. None of these signs were there before his girl arrived. I sensed tension. I felt...unwelcomed. I wasn't surprised as I know his girlfriend doesn't like me because of my conservative social, political, and religious values. We had a few discussions in the past and it was clear that despite her claim of open-mindedness there was no room for me and my dissenting opinions.

After a short period of time my friend was headed off to the gym with his girl. I followed them out of the door and down the steps walking them to their car. As we parted ways I said goodbye to both of them. My friend said goodbye while his girlfriend didn't say so much as a word. Since I didn't want to be rude I said goodbye again directly to her. Again, nothing. Where's the love, the diversity, the welcoming of all peoples ways of life?

My friend's girl's behavior was so blatant I couldn't shake her rudeness from my mind. Typically, I don't give a damn about such things. If you're small in your mind while claiming to be big that's on you. But this is different as my friend has been speaking of marriage and children with this woman. You usually imagine that a friend as close as a brother would marry a woman that you love and embrace. This isn't the case at all.

Agitated by the whole thing I called my friend to talk about it. He made it clear and less words than expected that his girl doesn't like me. In fact, she hates me. She hates me because I'm against gay marriage. Not because I hate gays (which I don't) but because I'm against gay marriage. Funny thing is, about a year ago before we ever had a conversation about homosexuality I joined my friend, his girl, and her two gay friends for a night out. We had a good time and I'm certain she had no clue what my thoughts were on homosexuality (Because I treat people with respect no matter what their sexuality). So, since she had seen me interact with openly gay folks without incident I couldn't quite understand the hatred.

Like so many that support the homosexual movement, my friends girl has already written my script. I hate gays because I'm a Christian and I'm not in favor of gay marriage. I condemn gays to hell because I'm a Christian. I despise gay people and wish to rid the world of them because of my hate filled beliefs. And, despite my many daily interactions with homosexuals, always treating them as people not as sex objects defined by physical behaviors, I'm still a bigot. I know she thinks this because I tried my hardest to refute these claims as she threw them at me without success.

Hence, I'm accused of being a hater while in fact I am hated. I'm accused of being closed-minded while those with differing opinions won't even allow me to speak before they have assigned details to my thoughts. I'm accused of being a bigot while the accuse won't even say hello and goodbye as one would to a stranger they met on the street. I'm hated...and no less by the person closest to my closest friend. I don't know how this is going to work out long term as many of my friend's friends think as I do. How do you share a life when you share no common interest? I don't know the answer. What I do know is that there is an increasing persecution/hatred for "people like me."

LOSER

I feel like a loser today. I really, really do... There is no getting around it. I lost my wife. I lost my family. I lost my mind for a while. I'm losing at the game of life and there is no restart button. My best efforts, thoughts, ideas, experiments all end in failure.

I can't tell you how many people tell me how I should be making more money, in a higher position of leadership, or doing something significant in the world. Yet, I do none of these things. My income is average. My life style is less than average. My impact appears to be minimal at best. And, I don't feel as though I have a career, but simply a job (a career has a direction. A job just comes with a paycheck).

My close friend may have summed it up perfectly, "You have no life...you can't even get a life." I laughed when he said it but I it hurts like hell because it's true. I live in a place where I have no family. I can't move and I don't have money to make this spot something that attracts folks or could entertain family. My never ending financial woes only serve to remind me of my great failure. No matter how they came to be they're mine now. I have little hope that the part time job will help solve anything. Typically, in such situations in my life I have found that time outruns my opportunities and leaves me holding a bag of shit. I'm in love with a woman but I have little to offer her and I can't make a move for more because of the baggage I'm carrying around. I'm a loser.

Despite busting my ass at work, taking on more responsibility without more money, and doing so with a smile I can't make a move. Yet, I see unqualified people all around me getting promotions, overtime, or conducting themselves in such a way that they should be fired but for some reason aren't. I have forces (those higher up) working against me. They squash my plans only to return to them later as though they were original. While I see people implement foolish things and receive accolades for them. I'm a loser.

There's a glass ceiling of wealth, prestige, and respect that I can only see and never achieve. I don't know how to get there. I don't know how to break it. I don't know how to go around it. I don't know how to find the steps to get up it. I don't know because I'm a loser. Folks don't see the loser on the outside. They all say I'm supremely confident and yet I know the truth. I'm a loser at my core. I used to think otherwise but moral victories have their limitations and winners eventually have a trophy to prove their triumph...I have nothing...I'm a loser.

YOUR GIFTS WILL MAKE ROOM FOR YOU

Yesterday at work I ran my weekly morning group for the unit. People seem to enjoy the way I run the group session. In fact, one of the staff members purposely comes to my unit just to hear me speak (I know because she told me so). When the group is over she immediately leaves the unit. That's a compliment in and of itself. Yesterday I was told something that in many ways blessed and embarrassed me.

One of my co-workers pulled me aside after the group session and told me that I was the "Black Oprah." She said that I was flawless in my presentation and that I held the attention of the group the entire time, something that's hard to do since they're psychotic and come to this type of meeting daily. My co-worker said she could tell I enjoyed it and went so far as to say they should make me in charge of my own department.

I'm flattered beyond belief to say the least. That's one hell of a compliment-Oprah. Such things drive me up a damn wall. For as long as I can remember I've received compliments about speaking abilities. Since I was a kid in church giving presentations on youth day to my recent appearance and surprise speaking engagement at a ToastMaster's event (My friend and president of the local chapter said folks are still talking about how well I did), I've always shined as a presenter.

Add to that, those that have equal or higher education than I do showering me with compliments about my intelligence, knowledge, and abilities...it gets to be a bit much. It's a bit much because I'm embarrassed when I hear these things. I'm embarrassed because I don't know what to do with such information. I don't know how to make it pay. I don't know how to make it work in my favor.

I was a member of a church for a decade. During that time I had incredibly few opportunities to speak or show my leadership abilities. Nevertheless, when I got my chance I did my best to shine and shine I did. I once did a training on political action and mentoring. I did the hour and half training with nothing more than a few notes on half a page of paper. Afterwards, people who were there and people whom heard about it were asking for a copy of my notes. The sad thing is, there wasn't anything to give them. It was from the heart. I would've thought such an event would boost me to greater heights in opportunities to teach and lead. It didn't. In fact, I wasn't even listed on the e-mail sent out to thank all the presenters. Go figure.

This type of thing has happened my entire life. I have shined in a way that created buzz. I have shined in a way that has causes others to point to me as an example as to how one should conduct himself. I have shined in a way that my work has been used to recruit others for participation. Yet, I rarely am ever given credit, more opportunities, promotion, or raises. Instead, I'm left to answer embarrassing questions like, "Why aren't you doing more?" I have no answer. Only a foolish smile and a word of thanks.

Today I met with the CEO of my agency to inquire about a job I was clearly qualified for and was told that they were having difficulty filling. The CEO wasted no time in telling me the position was already filled (though still posted). He also wasted no time trying to tell me where I fell short in qualifications (None of which carried weight. Especially since he just promoted three people with credentials that did not come close to their positions). Then he moved from that to telling me how great my reputation is, how he has heard nothing but good things about me, and even witnessed with his own eyes things that have impressed him. Yet and still, no job, no raise, no nothing. Again, story of my life.

I can't explain what it's like to have talent, proven ability, and education to go with it, and never get the prize. It's infuriating to say the least. I had to laugh as I was told how my education or experience was not equal to others when later in the day I included my supervisor in a case with issues I've had to deal with many times in my lesser experience. My supervisor said, "...I have to tell you I've never had to do this before." She then asked me how such things worked as I had been through this scenario many times before. What a crock! My experience and education is equal to many that sit in seats above me. Yet, the glass sealing remains.

In the Bible, it says that a man's gifts will make room for him. This is often interpreted to mean that the skills and talents God has placed in you will make space for you in this world, organization, church, profession, etc... I have long struggled with that as my gifts seem to have never made room for me. Instead, they serve to only frustrate me. I know it, they know it, and yet I go without. The way I see it, I might as well not have any gifts as I have not found a place or way to use them to their maximum capacity. What a waste! My life's experience has left me asking, "Will a man's gifts make room for him?"

We Will All Be Tested

Thanks to the wonderful world of NetFlix I have recently become a die hard fan of Friday Night Lights. It's a show that's shot in sort of a docu-drama style about football in a small town in Texas. The show is about way more than football. The show is in many ways a microcosm of the many social issues that people face today.

The main character, Coach Eric Taylor, is a mix of mayor, teacher, coach, pastor, father, and diplomat. He's at the center of all that takes place in the small town of Dillon as football is the cities religion, political system, and main source of entertainment. His character carries the weight of the city.

In the first episode one of the premier stars of the team is badly injured. The players injury places the team in a tough position as the expectation to win it all was looming heavily all over them. Despite the loss of their team leader and the unexpected rolls each individual is now required to play, they pull out a win in their first game.

While in the locker room addressing the team Coach Taylor makes this statement to the team, "You will be tested! We will all be tested...!" That statement resonated so deep within me I replayed the statement at least 3 times. The truth of testing in any one's life is real. It's without a doubt real to those that have hopes, dreams, goals, and standards. Testing will come, one way or another.

Testing comes through relationships, finance, occupation, environment, opportunity or lack there of, family, friends, love, hate, mind, body, and spirit....testing will come. There is no escaping it. In many ways, our own struggle to carve out our little piece of land in this world causes testing as we will cross paths with those that seek to do the same. It is not usually intentional that we come in conflict with others. It is however, inevitable. Basic economics; there is only so many slices of pie to go around. Hence, there we find ourselves tested. Sometimes to our very core.

THE UGLINESS OF RACISM

There was recently an upheaval over the execution of Troy Davis has rallied all types of protest. Many believe that there was evidence showing that this man was innocent of the crime in which he was convicted. Initially I was skeptical about making any judgement or statement on the matter as I had no clue what the protest was about. Something seemed odd to me in the way things suddenly appeared on the national scene.

All of the headlines read that 7 out of 9 witnesses had changed their own testimony. I thought, certainly this man's trial should be looked at. Since he was black, I also thought that the witnesses were white and that they had conspired against this man to find him guilty in the first place. I was wrong on both accounts.

From all of the information the media was putting out I thought surely the Supreme Court will intervene and this man will have justice. Alas, the Supreme Court did not intervene. I was dumbfounded and driven to look into the case a bit. It did not take long to find the answer as to why the Supreme Court passed on a case that had so much controversy, justice had already been served.

The truth is that there were many more witnesses than 9. In fact, there were 34! 34 eye witnesses, some of which were this man's friends. The original testimony by his friends gave proof of guilt. It was not until later that they changed their tune. 34 eye witnesses that saw this man shoot at a passing stranger, beat a homeless man, and then brutally and without mercy shoot a police officer in the head at point blank range. There was no injustice, no racism, no malice on the part of the court. This man was guilty and deserving of his penalty. Perhaps more so since he maintained his innocence till the end.

That fact that so much of the truth was masked by the media to create a story sickens me. It sickens me because it fanned the flames of racism. At a time when the nation has more problems than one would like to think about the media brought to the forefront a fraudulent story that only complicated the social landscape of our country. I wouldn't mind if it were true. I wouldn't mind if it had feet. I mind because it was blatantly dishonest.

So many people I know of color were screaming foul. So many people I know were screaming racism. The story bread an air of distrust for the police, the courts, the nation as a whole, and whites in general. It took a story in which justice was served and turned it into a tool of demagoguery. The very ugliness of racism alone in its truest form is reason enough to never fraudulently portray such an injustice.

I am bothered deeply. A story such as this has only added fuel for those already suspicious of white men from stories nearing that of folklore. I know people who have never experienced bold, in your face racism. I question the reality of what they believe to be prejudice. A story like this gave all of their conspiracy theories/fears credence. There are people that are now awaiting the execution of the next innocent black as institutional racism continues its path through our people. Do you see the problem? This was irresponsible, an atrocity. It was ugly.

I HATE UNIONS!!!

I hate unions. I always have. Since my employment with companies such as Giant Eagle and CVS I've seen no benefit in having a union. My life in public work has made me woefully aware of unions. I've mostly seen loss, injustice, and frustration growing out of the union. I was recently reminded of why I hate them.

This time last year I was one week in to my new job. I had no expectations for vacation time at Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years. Yet, I was able to work with my partner and come to very easy solution for how he were going to handle vacation. After a five minute conversation the issue was settled. I had the time off I wanted and so did she. It was easy and simple. Work was covered, both parties happy...end of story. Not so this year.

This year, the unions have stepped in and required that the group "canvass" for vacation. Essentially, this means that you have to make a bid for your vacation 6-12months out based on seniority. That means I'm ass out as I'm at the bottom of the seniority list. Consequently, I won't have Christmas, New Years, or Thanksgiving off for the next 5-10 years or more.

Since I have a job that requires 30 years for full retirement, and as jobs go it's an easy one, I will have to wait until people retire or die to move up in seniority. Some might think of that as paying your dues but I don't. I have small children that I count on having time off with during the holidays to spend time with. It's nice to be with family as adults but these years are special. Right now, I won't have that because I have to work. Not only is time lost due to my separation, time is lost due to my job.

I believe doing anything solely on the basis of "time" is horrible. Unions support a time only system. Unions support the reward of low/no skills. Unions support rebellion. I have been complimented on my work by my superiors as well as patients, family members of patients, and the community agencies I engage on my job, for the excellent work I do. Consequently, I've been given greater responsibility. Despite my work ethic and the value I bring to the table, I have been in danger of losing my job purely based on time. Quality of work be damned!

On the issue of skills, I have a master's degree and I carry a license for the work I do. My old partner and friend has similar qualifications. Yet, she was laid off from the job for someone without a master's or a license in the very field the job title describes. I was in danger of being laid off and was only missed by one. Hence, what is considered illegal in the private sector was made legal by the unions. Low skills win out on time and contract. Disgusting.

A friend of mine once said in describing his unions contract negotiations, "I don't need a union because I don't do anything to be fired." He's right. I have seen unions protect people that were guilty as hell and wrong. I've seen people blatantly lie with the help of the union to keep a job they knew they were risking when they did what they did. After the hearing they laugh and joke about it knowing that union protection allows them to be renegades and do whatever the hell they want. I'll never forget coming to work one morning and seeing a union member profanely address his superior. Such behavior is unthinkable in a non-union environment. Sad thing is, the superior was simply asking the man to do his job.

Beyond the union working to hold me back from seeing my children during holidays they have allowed money to be taken out of my mouth. I've been volunteering for overtime at work for the last three months or so. Suddenly, those opportunities have dried up. Did they dry up because of a lack of work? NO! Did they dry up because we have additional staff? NO! They dried up because people that have retired with full benefits are coming right back as contract employees and taking money out of my hands. Where's the union on that? Silent....

As far as I can tell I have no need of a union. I do a damn good job at what I do. I always have. I never break the rules. I don't defy my superiors. I exceed expectations regularly. I whole heartedly believe I'd have and keep my job with good pay without the union. I benefit in no way from their presence. Far as I'm concerned, unions can bite the big one.

Conspiracy

I had a meeting today to investigate the finer details of a job that was posted that I appeared qualified for and yet was not interviewed. I couldn't help but do some investigation work. Nothing makes me more frustrated than when a job is posted, I clearly qualify, I apply, I'm not interviewed, and then it's reposted. I wonder, "did they not see my resume?" This time, I had to take action.

I contacted the appropriate parties and I was able to secure a sit down with a person "in the know." They explained to me that I clearly met the minimal qualifications for the position. However, there were details that were not listed in the post that they were looking for. This is where things get hazy.

As the saying goes, "The Devil's in the Details." And he really is in the details here. Essentially, what they were looking for was someone that does this job already to step in and do this job for them. Problem is, if someone is already doing the job, barring a move, they're not coming to take this job. Apparently, the job pays way more in the private sector than it does at this government agency. They had a candidate they offered the job to but they turned it down on salary basis alone. That leaves them in a very bad situation.

My take on the job is, if you have the ability to read, write, and comprehend then you can do the job. It's really quite simple. There are a list of items you need to make sure the agency is complying with. That is the brunt of the job. In fact, the person in the know said they'd go crazy if they had that job due to the lack of variety. That speaks SIMPLICITY with a capital SIMPLE! Yet, they're having a hard time filling the job with a person they want. Don't be picky...choose me, pay me. End of story.

Now, I would have been at peace with the explanation of he person in the know but I had information they didn't know I had. First, I know they offered the job to gentleman that holds a position that qualifies him for the job, yet leaves him short of he specific qualifications they used to screen me out. Strike Number 1! Second, an individual was recently promoted from an utterly completely unrelated position/department to a position that came with one hell of a title and a pay raise. The folks made the mistake of issuing an announcement detailing her work history and background while I had the job description post. I compared the two...NOT EVEN CLOSE! Strike 2!

The third issue at hand, is that the qualifications as stated are bogus. No one would posses such qualities unless they worked that job. It's a nuanced position. To go with that, plenty of "unqualified" people have been hired in various positions and yet they have excelled. I even made an argument, to the person in the know, that the terms for hire were bogus as many have said it's the easiest job they've ever had. Meanwhile, HR is acting like they need previous experience. Hilarious...and Strike 3! You're out!

Truth is the people hire who they want to hire, qualifications be damned. It's been witnessed up close and personal time and time again. The same argument used not to hire you is suddenly erased for a more coveted individual. I've even seen job descriptions/requirements changed to justify the hiring of an individual for a job they were not qualified for. This is life. This is life in both the public and private sectors. I'm going to continue to go through the motions. It will be tough because in the end, I know it's a conspiracy.

AND THEN THERE WAS LIGHT...

Well, the seemingly impossible has happened. I got a second job. I don't know the details of the schedule or the start date. What I do know is that I can expect work in about four weeks which will produce additional cash. I'm not making money hand over fist and in some ways I can't believe I'm doing this. Nevertheless, I needed additional income via a second job and the good Lord has blessed and made a way.

I like my free time as it is right now. However, I prefer peace and there will be no peace until this ship is righted. I'm not afraid of work. Never have been. I will make the most of this opportunity and get on with living. I've got a plan(s) and I'm gonna work it.

One of my friends tried to advise me against taking this job. I laughed at her plea as it was pride/ego based. I can't afford to be prideful. More over, there is no shame in my game. They may not be much pride, but there is no shame. I can say this, there will be pride once I get things back on track and rescue this sinking ship. At that time I will know that the sacrifice of time and liesure was well worth it. Again, I'm thankful for the opportunity. I can't say that I know when I'll be out of this situation. What I can say is...and then there was light.

It's a Sad Thing

As I endure my own personal financial struggles I was hit hard by the thought of what those who have no job at all are going through. I'm furiously frustrated by my circumstances. Yet, I still have an income and check that is reliable every two weeks. There are some folks that don't have that.

My search for a second job to get on top of my bills and make life somewhat peaceful has been full of frustration. At the same time, I can only imagine the frustration and pressure that those with no employment feel. It's painful when you are pressing as hard as you can to find work and to no avail. I've been there before. About a decade ago I was only working very part time. I was married, had a child on the way, and my wife wasn't working (she had quit her job because of a petty dispute). I was pounding the pavement with all I had. Nothing was turning up. During those times I could be heard saying in my sleep, "All I want is a nine to five. All I want is a nine to five."

It was tortuous! Every second of every day seemed to linger on forever. The weight of rejection after rejection starts to wear you down. You wonder if you'll ever work again? If you're good enough for a job? Why doesn't anyone want to hire you? Then you ask, is there something wrong with me? All of these questions eating away at your core while you need to stay positive and upbeat for interviews. It's a tough road.

My heart goes out to all those that are unemployed. I pray that God would have mercy on our nation, our world, and turn our economies around. I think we need new leadership for this to take place. It's apparent the direction we're headed isn't working and more of the same will only dig us into a deeper whole. In the meantime, I pray that God supplies for all of your NEEDS. It is my hope and prayer that this sad thing doesn't last long.

Work, No longer an Enjoyable Place

Nearly one year ago I was thankful and overjoyed to have my new job. It was an escape from the foolishness of my previous government agency. My supervisor was kind, considerate, and wise. The job was laid back, relaxed, and educational. Opportunity seemed present and available. Now, I find myself in a much different place.

Yesterday, I was irritated...a low level of pissed off throughout much of my day. I couldn't put my finger on it I just knew I was pissed. There are a number of factor at hand with all this. One, is that the same people telling to do my job put road blocks in my way, then remove them when it's too late, causing another new roadblock of opportunity to arise. This pisses me a great deal as they first disagree or argue with me, only to come back to my original plan when the opportunity to enact it has passed. I hate that.

Along with road blocks, there is the passing of the buck that goes on that further impedes my ability to do my job. Documents only doctors can sign for (I'd be more than happy to fill them out, but what doctor is going to sign his name to a ten page form that he didn't fill out?). Pissing contest between doctors that result in a lack of quality care for the patient. Foolish pissing contest between patients and doctors. This one is of particular frustration as I am stuck with an annoying personality disorder laden individual that should have been discharged years ago but instead some dumb as doctor let his ego get in the way. Now this guy is my problem. Then add to all that, the solving of a problem only to have a "team" member open his mouth and bring to the forefront a non-issue that now must be dealt with. I'm pissed!

Then there is the willy-nilly promotion and appointment of people to higher ranks. My boss recently went on vacation. While she was gone she placed an individual in charge of our department that does not do the work of 98% of the department. In fact, this individuals original department was "banished" and she was absorbed into my department. Somehow, her brown nosing (which she spends much of her time doing as oppose to her job) landed her designated supervisor for four days. This pissed the whole department off. Consequently, no one asked her for assistance as she really wasn't a person respected from the beginning. To make things worse, those that had been expected to succeed my old supervisor are still available to stand in. Maybe, that's why they weren't chosen. Worker B-likeness seems to be valued as opposed to bringing real value and insight to a position.

To piggy back on that, there is an obvious inside network that is underground but results in people getting promoted where no one would have ever thought. There's a woman that went from being a low level, no skills needed, worker to the director of a department nearly overnight. A couple of months of schooling and bam, she was in. There's another guy at work that went from part time employee, to laid off, to shirt tie status in a position especially created for him. Another woman, whose job it was to set up video cameras/conference equipment is now the HEALTH ADMINISTRATOR. Her appointment to this position came with an outline of her qualifications. None of it matched her title.

Along with the mishaps in leadership appointment, there is the ever present corruption of employees (both higher ups and low level). Staff having sex with each other on the clock. Staff having sex with the patients, on the clock. The smuggling of contraband. This isn't just the breaking of the hospital rules but state law. Yet, when I've reported this information with strong evidence nothing...and I mean absolutely nothing was done. Hence, I'm wrong for reporting it and I'd be wrong if I didn't. I've been in this situation before. It never works out for those trying to do right.

As a result of all this mess my career has become my job. I'm neither thrilled nor excited about going to work. Instead, I look to make it through the day without having fingers point my way. It's a CYA (COVER YOUR ASS) environment. You can't progress or advance in such environments. There is a leadership void in such cases. You can do little of substance when all people are concerned with is covering their own ass and maintaining the status quo. I'm hoping to one day break free of this exchange of time for money, bullshit for comfort, minutia for pay...I need to do something that matters, something that makes a difference. I need to live a life with purpose. This is simply an existence....a paycheck...no longer an enjoyable place.

34

Yesterday I thought I was coming up on my 35th birthday this year. I was sadly disappointed in where my life is, and where it looks like it's going-NOWHERE! To make things worse, I started to contemplate what life would look like at 40 and how I have so miserably failed in my pursuit of my hopes and dreams.

The good news is that I'm only approaching my 34th birthday. Not like a year is much of a difference but it feels like a life time. 35 just seems so over the hill toward 40. It feels like so much of my life is behind me. I don't have a sense of hope and vision for my future. I don't see brighter days ahead. In my early to mid, and even late 20's I had hope. No matter what my circumstances I was hopeful that life was going to take a turn for the better where I would be firmly established and on my way to planning for my children. Instead, I'm trying to stay afloat and once again I'm starting all over.

I thought that I would be an attorney, a pastor, or a writer and speaker (professionally) by now. I thought that I would be financially stable, meeting all of my responsibilities. I thought I'd be in a good position to help out family, friends, and those in need. I thought I would be in a position to mentor others on how to make it, on how to thrive, on how to overcome. Instead, my life has been one disaster followed by another disaster, complete with compliments along the way of how talented I am (and in my mind, talented at destroying my life).

34 must be a year of turning. It must be a time when I make some progress toward stability. It must be a watershed year. 34 years of life and there is little beyond debt, pain, and regret. There is no evidence of a great, deep, and powerful faith. There is no evidence of a blossoming love life shaped and formed by years of commitment, trial, and triumph. There is no evidence of high learning beyond a piece of paper that sits somewhere in my makeshift home office. My head is full, my heart and bank account is empty. 34 has to be a year of something new, something grand, something worthy of a life lived.

Of course, there is a strong possibility that 34 will be equally painful if not more so than 33 was. New beginnings become old. Love affairs become heartbreak. Financial increase becomes financial stress. Loved ones become deceased ones. Opportunities become disappointment. Faith turns to frustration. And, career turns to job. This has been the pattern of my life. Brief ups, long downs. No matter what actions I take 33 looks like 34, looks like 35, looks like 40. A stagnant existence of better wishes and brighter days. Something I sought to avoid all my life. Worst fears come true....34

What is Necessary

As time goes on it has become more and more apparent that things are not going to go the way I desire. I have tried to reduce my expences, yet I'm still behind. I've searched and searched for part time employment, from working as a therapist to literally mopping the floors, there's been no luck. I've eaten at home, only driven to work and back, no movies, no dating, no hanging out...still I come up short. Having done all I can I am now seeing that I will have to do what is neccessary.

I've even tried to get a promotion. Funny thing is, I only ended up with more responsibility and a pat on the back (story of my life). I recently applied for a position that would pay $20K more per a year than I currently make. The basic qualification were basically that you can read, write, and follow benchmarks. Besides my simple assessment of the job, I meet the requirements. Yet, after applying for the job I didn't get a call for an interview. No big deal. I figured they already had in mind who they wanted. However, this apparently isn't the truth. The job was reposted (nothing like a smack in the face than applying for a job you're qualified for and seeing it reposted without an interview). That promptem me to contact the CEO and ask what exactly they were looking for?

The CEO responded to my inquiry by stating they were looking for someone with experience (spelled out) at pretty much having the job. Funny thing is, nobody in the building besides the person that has the job currently would have that experience. Nevertheless, he did direct me to the positions current holder. I in turn contacted them and asked if I could have some of their time to see what exactly the job is about. I would later come to find out that the job was offered to a person that didn't apply for it with similar credentials to mine. As one person said, "If they want you to have it, you'll have it." Problem is, I can never seem to figure out how to get people to want me to have it. Skills, work ethic, talent, none of that seems to matter.

So, becuase I can't help myself I will continue on with this exercise in futility. I suppose there is an ever slim chance, but like most things in life I won't count on it. I just can't figure it out. I've got education, an excellent track record, and drive...somethings missing. In any event, my lack of ability to obtain a second job, get a promotion, cut my expenses to the bone, and win the lottery have left me with few choices.

That choice is looking more and more like bankruptcy. I despise the thought of it. I'm not a person that feels that company's are evil and that they deserve to get stiffed on what I owe. I'm just being a realist at this time. The reality is, I don't make enough money to support what was once two incomes with one, the economy sucks and there are few opportunities for growth, a second job, or a substantial raise. Simply put, you can't get blood out of a turnip-no matter how hard you squeeze it. This is what I have been reduced to-a Bumb.

This will be my second bout with such a shameful act. The first was nearly 8 years ago. At that time, my spouse quit her job to to pursue her master's degree. That plunged us into financial ruin. With her focus on education we were left with no other choice (outside of going against her desires). I fought for as long as I could until I could fight no longer. Much the same as today. Yet, here I am again in the same place, my spouses desires destroying my finances and leaving me in bankruptcy while she does what she wants to do. I now must do what is neccessary.

I know that girl

Work is a place full of rumors and speculations. I get a certain kick out of hearing the wild and crazy things I hear...at least I used to. Part of my enjoyment of hearing the rumors were what I thought to be their complete absurdity. There were stories of who my boss was sleeping with. Rumors that there was some kind of underground lesbian love group at work. Rumors of administrators and union reps gettin' it on in the office. There was the rumor of married men and women rondevouing at 5AM to have sex (a rumor that bothered me because I often thought the individuals wouldn't put that much effort into their own spouses. All of this was fun until.........

Until I found out that pretty much everything I was hearing was true. The individuals themselves gave themselves away. Crazy things like a guy liking a "thumb up his ass" while having sex came out. There was a woman that seemed to be getting passed back and forth (perhaps she was jumping) between male staff members. I had heard and seen the craziest things I've ever seen in my life. In fact, this wave of sexual deviancy and infidelity gave me reason to question my own spouses faithfulness. It was unbelievable.

With all that being said, I'm now seeing another wave of crazy sexual deviancy take place before my very eyes. There is a young, attractive, "has it all together," woman I work with that has dastardly rumors flying about her. The first of these rumors was that she slept with a co-worker and that she had some very fould habits. I would have blown this off, but I called that she had slept with the guy before he decided to run his mouth and tell the world of his escapades (women, don't sleep with a scum bag that would put you out as though he were uninvolved in the happening). I knew because while talking with this young woman her attention was acutely distracted in a way I've only seen women look when they've slept with a man. Your eyes and heart give you away. No words needed.

The second rumor was that this woman was sleeping with a soon to be released patient. I can't and won't report this as it seems all the world has heard this and it's not second, third, or fourth person. It's more like 90th person. Nevertheless, I believe the rumor. I believe the rumor because this woman gave herself away by saying she recently had dinner at a place she shouldn't have been, save the presence of the patient. That bit of information was given before the rumor came out. I add to this, the gentleman in question is considered quite attractive by many woman and has a reputation for sleeping with staff. Again, no report because no hard evidence or first hand reporting.

Another issue is this woman's self-disclosure that she hangs out with professional athletes but only as "friends." That's hard to believe for any person claiming to hang out with athletes unless they're family (and even then I'd question those distant cousins). She gave herself away by saying that one of her athlete friends has flown her around the nation just to "hang out." No favors expected. Yeah right!!! Again, she gave this information up freely, unprovoked. I don't know why people crack the lid on such information and then expect folks to play stupid and lose all common sense.

The final issue at hand is that I've seen this girl before. This woman is actually quite common. I seem to come across them quite regularly and they all read the same way. These folks tend to be high achievers educationally. They might even be pretty financially savvy (or credit savvy). You see, the issue at hand is image. For these women image is everything. Hence, they give off the aura that they're well put together. They present and speak as women with incredibly high standards for men when in reality they have no standards. Maybe I'm wrong on the standards issue.

These women do have a standard. It's the standard they have fashioned their own lives by-IMAGE. As I look as who this woman has associated herself with or engaged sexually with (as the rumors say) I see a common thread of what these men look like. There is little consideration as to the characters of these men. Hence, the ousting of her sexual escapade with my co-worker. His immaturity and desperate need to brag was overshadowed by his swag (image). The same is true of the other men named as lovers.

These woman aren't just image focused. They're emotional disasters. This woman I'm speaking of right now is grumpy-ALL THE TIME. I called her for work purposes the other day. On the phone she sound so happy, satisfied, upbeat. I asked if she was having a good day? I was informed that she wasn't but that I was simply getting a taste of her professional voice. I then asked if she was ever happy? She replied no. Every time I see this woman she has something to complain about. It's a sad living.

To go with that, these women are often easily offended. This is because they are absolute messes on the inside and anything that comes close to going beyond the surface is seen as a threat of outing the obvious. As a result, a simple joke is taken as a monstrous attack. Hypersensitivity is a tell-tale sign women that fall into this category. It's a life built on a house of cards. It's a life with low self-esteem, confused values, and the search for substance by chasing image.

One of my co-workers told me she wouldn't believe the rumors about this woman. In the past I would have done the same. However, I've heard too much. Seen too much. Confirmed too much...too much to deny this. I've seen it in her eyes. I've heard it in her words. I know this girl (I wish I didn't).

Go Getters!

A good friend of mine called me up today to gauge my interest in a new job working as one of his staff (via third party contract) in his new school. He said that while he was discussing bringing in a therapist to work with his kids he immediately thought about me. That's a great feeling to have people show an appreciation for your skill or talent, but I digress.

While we talked about the job opportunity, my friend briefly broke down how he came to be the principle of this school. He had been laid off from his job as an administrator for another school system/district. My friend, a deeply religious man, said that the Lord had told him a time of rest was coming. He said he did not know that rest would manifest itself in being unemployed.

Through a series of events my friend found himself back in the drivers seat of a brand new school as the principle. He's kind of an owner/operator of the school. He said his superiors gave him the keys to the school, allowing him to hire his staff, set the agenda, and recruit his own kids. The last part about recruitment is quite incredible. My friend explained that although he had the power to hire staff, he could not do so without first having enough kids enrolled to support the salaries of those he hired.

Never backing down from a challenge, my friend went to work recruiting and enrolling kids into the school. He went door to door meeting parents and enrolling their kids in the school right on the spot. No small task by any stretch of the imagination. On the other side of this story is the fact that my friend can now report that he has the largest school (enrolled students) in his district from ages K-3rd grade. Incredible!!!!

I'd like to tell you that my friend's life has been easy. That he was raised with a silver spoon in his mouth, that he had both parents in his home growing up, that he hasn't experienced devastating loss in his life. After all, that is the type of story so many seem to believe to be true about the successful. No, that's not his story. Instead he's experienced all that and more...and yet he has/is/will succeed. He's a go getter. A special breed. A man that does not shrink from challenges, but embraces them and charges at them with all the confidence of a triumphant warrior.

He's a real life, in the flesh, guy next door, inspiration. He's a man among men. Not because he has skills that others do not. If he has anything, he has drive, determination, and FAITH! These things are available to all of us. This is what people hope for. A life plotted out, that can be repeated and followed with successful outcomes. He's a model of a man, a hero...He's a Go Getter!

DATING TIPS AND SINGLENESS

A few months ago, I began writing dating tips on FB as a joke, then as a hobby. It was started by my wanderer like approach to dating. While sitting with a group of my male friends (what I like to call "The meeting of the minds") I asked for tips on where and how to meet women. My resources, friends, are well versed in the art of dating and provided helpful and comical information. That was the launching pad for what is now well over 300 dating tips.

As I was posting these on FB I would come to learn that some of them were seen as inflammatory and at the least, provocative. 99.999% of my commenter's are women. Many have agreed with my tips or found them to be comically entertaining. Despite the warm reception my tips have received, there is a select few women that have taken issue with my tips. One woman, would openly debate them. Another woman, would chat with me and nonchalantly say, "Most of your tips aren't true anyway..." She would say it almost in passing.

I wouldn't really argue the factual reality of my tips. I've done no research and any evidence that they are true or effective would be anecdotal. I wouldn't make a great stink about things meant primarily for entertainment. However, there is one thing I've noticed about my detractors...none of them are married or in long term relationships. I'm not saying that if they followed my tips they would be married or in a long term relationship. What I am saying is that there appears to be a deeper issue at hand that lends itself to singleness and disagreement with my tips.

As late as this evening, I found myself in a written debate on the issue of sexual drive and appetite and how many men I know have expressed some level of disappointment in the frequency of act of love taking place with their wives. No doubt, a woman that has never been married, and to my knowledge has had primarily short term relationships decided to debate me on this issue. I hold two things to my credit that I'm certain she does not posses. 1) I'm a man and my friends are primarily men. They have shared about their sex lives as I have shared about mine in confidence and this theme has been true across the board. 2) As a man, I've been privileged to attend many conferences, trainings, and sessions exclusively for men in which the subject of sex has been openly and honestly discussed. My debate opponent can not claim either one of these.

Nevertheless, I don't think its an issue of right or wrong on this particular issue of who's not having sex with who? I believe it is the stubborn refusal for women to examine themselves and their actions in a relationship that has kept them single. This woman is not ugly...she has attributes many men have felt compelled to speak about. She's not stupid. Far as I know, she has one degree and currently working toward another. She has promise, as she is well rounded in the arts. And sadly, for her, it appears she has attitude as she took offense to a joking statement I made about a story she posted.

Women that walk around with a chip on their shoulder about men or relationships in general, looking to place blame will be single and remain so. No man wants to deal with a woman that feels she is owed something based upon something that does not encompass personal experience. Even if it did encompass personal experience, it wasn't the next man so why should he pay for the sins of another? These women think they're not projecting this attitude. They're wrong. It is seen, smelled, and detected from a mile away! Such women have choices to make; Hold onto your anger, resentment, and bitterness and consequently your singleness. Let go of all that book learned, women studied enforced, waiting to exhale bull, and get a man. Or, you could buy my soon to be released book, follow the tips, and get a man.

Reprogramming

I am currently undergoing a reprogramming of the mind, heart, and habits. Finding myself in the worse financial state I've been in in my entire life, I've found it necessary to take action. As a good friend of mine tells me, "You need to become solvent for the sake of your children." He is right. I can not continue on in this way for the rest of my life. Otherwise, I won't have peace and I won't have anything to pass on to my children.

Hence, as I often do, I went to work in researching what is needed to turn this ship around. I got books on credit, negotiating, budgeting, and the like. Of all my reading I believe the most informative and helpful book I read was, "THE TOTAL MONEY MAKEOVER" by Dave Ramsey. This book was easy to read, practical, honest, plenty of real life examples to motivate you, and lots of forms for easy use. It was the real deal.

The basic premise of the book is that you pay off all your debt, stick to a budget, save and invest for expenses such as a car, and live life free....and like no one else. Dave tells you to go after being debt free with life or death type of intensity. He admonishes you to get a second job, deliver pizzas if need be, and get this ball rolling. It's a simple plan, not an easy plan. Motivated and ready to go, I set out to find that second job. This has not been easy. I've had a few phone calls and interviews...but schedule seems to get in the way each time. Nevertheless, my search continues.

In the meantime, I have been listening to Dave on the radio almost nightly. Not that he is bringing new information to the table (again, the plan is simple) but he continues to reinforce the thinking and principles behind his plan. He's become like an angel on my shoulder. When I'm getting stressed over the normal financial issues of life I hear his voice and principals reverberating in my ears....

This became evident to me recently when I was stressing about my triple 4 credit score (something I've never seen or knew was possible). I was notified of my score because I went to the dealer to plead for help financing a car that is less eager to eat away my check via gas pump (not to mention new electrical problems come to life daily). Then I realized that my credit score doesn't matter much anymore. I'm moving toward a cash only lifestyle where credit is insignificant. When I reminded myself of that, I found peace of mind and said forget the score, lets get to the cash lifestyle.

With that in mind, I've decided to keep my car for as long as I can. It will be completely paid off in about a year or less. Once it is, I will dedicate my payment to saving up about $6k for the next car. Once that is done, I will then begin to attack these other debts so I can scream, FREEDOM! The other thing I've decided to do is do what is needed to stay where I'm at until I'm literally forced to make a decision otherwise. It just doesn't make sense to do anything else at this time. Essentially, I'm holding the line until reinforcements (promotion, second job, or different higher paying job) comes to bare.

While I work this plan and wait for changes in the pocket to happen I continue to work on my mindset. Reprogramming myself is hard. I've been mis-educated from birth by my family, friends, teachers, banks, and society at large. That's a lot to overcome after 34 years of constant reinforcement. Nevertheless, I resolve to overcome. I recommend that you reprogram yourself as well.

So Misunderstood...

It's been a hell of a weekend. I anticipated a relatively peaceful weekend with some work on the side to help my mom out. It has not gone that way. It has been full of painful losses, loud unproductive arguments, and a great deal of new and old misunderstandings.

Apparently, I have developed a persona that I'm a deeply judgemental person ready to condemn people to Hell at the drop of a dime. I am also a "homophobe" according to these same folks. Much of this is based upon my firmly held and boldly stated faith as a Christian. It's sad and unfortunate because these attributes are assumed, not proven by my actions or my words.

In fact, on one occasion one of these individuals went so far as to place me at a table in a conversation with people who did condemn a homosexual relative to hell. I was never there. In fact, I was over 100 miles away. Not until a third party present at the meeting intervened and confirmed my absence. Nevertheless, it is this type of belief in misinformation that has allowed a image of hateful, judgemental, homophobic, "holier than thou..." image to be nurtured and grown about who I am as a person.

Perhaps the worst part about all this is that I have been implicated as having severed my relationship with a cousin that was very close with me as children. I've been informed that everybody in my family believes my faith has informed my distance from and change in my relationship with my cousin (homosexual/transsexual). This is not the case.

My cousin and I began to drift apart culturally long before I embraced my Christian faith. I grew up in the hood. She grew up in an upscale community going to one of the finest private schools in the area. I was embracing rap and R&B music while she was going in a more grunge alternative hippy style of music. I had gone off to college and didn't return home. She too would go off to school in a much different environment. Holidays were no longer shared together as they had been before due to a change in family patterns. All of these things caused a "distance" to develop between us.

It was soon out that my cousin had declared her homosexuality. Later, she was going through a sex change from a woman to a man. I hold that such a change is traumatic for the individual going through the change, as well as those witnessing it. Nevertheless, there was no consideration given to someone like myself as to the difficulty having such news dropped on you about a love one. Add to that, the fact that so few if any of the family were talking about the change, allowing for processing. No one thought that maybe I was struggling with it all.

Instead, they assumed that I had condemned my beloved cousin to hell for all of her heinous, wrongful, sexual activities. No, they did not think that any person could be hurt, confused, and unsure of how to deal with such a situation. Like I said, it was my evil Christian faith pretending to be love while being full of hate (read sarcasm). As a result of my confusion and silence an entire persona was created that impacted my families view of me.

This is not at all the truth. To be sure, I do not support the gay rights movement, I don't believe that homosexuals are "born that way"
(neither do I believe it's a choice like I'm going to have McDonald's for lunch today), I don't support gay marriage, and I think there are incredible mental gymnastics needed to find a path that affirms a sex change for those that believe that's what they are despite all of their hormonal and physical make up. Despite my views, I love my cousin and enjoy his company. Add to that, I love gay people.

The current debate has made such an affirmation of disagreement with the gay rights movement and maintaining love for those individuals as a universal truth of impossibility. Not because it's impossible or even uncommon, but because that is how the debate has been framed by those that lead the gay rights movement for their own agenda and progress. Hence, I find myself a greatly misunderstood individual that stands at a cross road of love, faith, and disagreement. I work for a homosexual woman. I'm certain absent of my disagreement with the lifestyle she would tell you that I treat her with respect as I do any other co-worker or human being.

Not only that, I worked with a large group of homosexual boys for nearly a year and half. They knew my disagreement with the lifestyle and yet they voluntarily would come to my office to speak with me for hours on end. They confided in me, opened up some of their deepest wounds to me, and allowed me to see their world through their eyes. I was privileged to see what they see. Yet, I never changed my thoughts on the matter while at the same time they knew I cared about them.

I'm always at a loss as to why I'm labeled as a bigot, a hatemonger, a homophobe, by those that stand in opposition to me. I'm puzzled because those that claim to be in support of or indifferent to the gay lifestyle/movement say some of the most horrendous things I've ever heard said about gay people. They say as a joke, as a by-word, as a "I know it's hurtful but I really don't mean it" type of thing. But these folks get a pass because to the public eye they're in support. I myself never say disparaging things about gay people. I merely hold the belief that the lifestyle is not the best for individuals or society. My offense is great, deep, hurtful, and in the eyes of many-intentional. That part hurts me a great deal but I have come to terms with it.

I can't go into my worldview on the issue right now. Just know that I did not come to these conclusions in some fly by night fashion. Neither do I hold my beliefs without conflict or tugging on my heart. I wish things were different concerning homosexuality but they aren't. I also would like to say that this isn't the only issue I'm misunderstood about. I can't go into that right now either. I laugh to myself in a sort of comforting way by quoting the saying, "Genius is so misunderstood." I don't think I'm a genius. However, I do get a laugh and some comfort by pretending I am when I'm so misunderstood.

Cathartic

Writing is such an incredibly cathartic process. I remember being in grad school and hearing about journaling and what not being cathartic. I used to think I could use that with my clients but had never really given it much thought for myself. One of the reasons being that my hand cramps up from writing (actual writing). It is an incredibly powerful tool.

I write when I'm angry, inspired, motivated, bored, and just trying to think some things through. It's funny because people ask me about some of my writings in other venues and I always have a tough time recalling what they're talking about. After I put a thought down I tend to leave it right there. That's where the power of writing is felt as far as anger, anxiety, and disappointment goes. I'm able to get my thoughts and feelings out and leave them right there.

Writing allows me to be profane, raw, and unfiltered. I don't have to hold back or watch what I say. If by chance a person is offended they have the freedom and hopefully the good sense to stop reading. Once that raw part of me is placed down on the electron parchment I'm free of it. The process is phenomenal. Add to that the fact that you can look back and review where you were emotionally, intellectually, and mood wise on a particular day it's truly amazing.

I highly recommend that you find a place to put your thoughts down on paper and get the release you need. Some people write everyday. I don't do that. I could, I've got lot's on my mind but I don't find it necessary. You may. Whatever you find works for you, works for you. I'm just saying let the pen or keyboard be the release valve you need to find a piece of insanity during those times when you've lost all semblance of sanity. Trust me on this one, it's cathartic.

Resolve

RESOLVE: to come to a definite or earnest decision about; determine (to do something). I have resolved to live life and live it to the full. I had my little bitch fit earlier today. Those things will happen. However, I can't stay there. I can't sulk in anger and pity. That's not who I am. That's not who I want to be.

I've decided to say "fuck it" and do what is necessary. I'm going to fight to keep my home and get my finances in order. However, if I find that this task is not feasible then I shall resolve to press on and live. I'm not going to let the loss of a home, credit rating, or even pride stop me from living.

I'm already crafting an exit plan that includes a short sale, move to an apartment close to work and my children, and a continued search for supplemental income to handle my other financial concerns. I'm going to inquire about my car purchasing options to see if I can upgrade to a vehicle that's better on mileage. If not, I'll make due with what I have until better comes along.

I'm tired of being frustrated with a problem that is clearly identified and simply (don't read easy) handled. I can't give up. Such a surrender would only lead to more of the same and render me powerless to the circumstances I find myself in. I'm moving forward, wounded, but moving. I resolve to fight this. I resolve to overcome. I resolve to love, to give, to enjoy, to share, to bless. I'M A LIVE!!!! I'M A LIVE!!!!!!!!!!

I would like to get Drunk

I would really like to get drunk right now! I would like to by a bottle of something, anything, and get sloppy, pass out drunk! I know it's a temporary answer to a permanent problem. But I would like some temporary relief right about now. I would like to escape into the mind of an altered mood where things aren't quite what they seem.

There are two things keeping me from doing this. The 1st is the presence of my children. I don't want them to see their father like this. That would be shameful and possibly damaging to them. I wish my children no harm. The 2nd is the fact that I have to go to work in the morning and I can't hide out in my office as I recover from my drunken stooper. Otherwise, I'd be knee deep in liquid poison.

I'm pissed off and I can't make that clear enough. Normally, I'd go to the gym and work off this type of anger with a good cardio and weight lifting stint. Unfortunately, my gym is closed and the closest location is 20 minutes or more away. Did I mention I'm FUCKED!

Everything big and small seems to be crumbling before my very eyes. I have family recovering from surgery, broken bones, and falls in another city. I've got financial problems out the ass and like most things I've done little to instigate this onslaught of attack. I've got a car that guzzles gas while gas is at an all time high because a donkey in the middle east decided to take a shit and nobody knows how that will affect oil futures! I bought that damn car when I had a full family and it seemed practical. I should have been selfish and bought a car that fit me as a man better. Something smaller with great gas mileage.

Damn I want a drink or two, or three, four or more....I need some relief. I need a break. I need a breakthrough. I need help and something beyond the bullshit words that everything is going to be alright. I have fears. Fears for my children's welfare. I keep hearing information that condemns them to a lifetime of struggle because they will be brought up in single parent homes. I know...spare me the bullshit that that doesn't have to be them. I know up close and personal what the absence of a parent does to a kid. I have zero resources to ease their pain. I have little options by way of contact. They live with their mom nearly an hour away. It's a two hour trip plus about $40 to visit them. Plus, I have to buy dinner or something because their mom won't let me visit at their home. She thinks I'm going to fuck up her house or something...I guess like she did my life. Anyway...I'm babbling now. I need a drink.

FUCKED

There is no help. There is no hope. There is only pain, disappoint, struggle, and then death (if you're lucky). I can't see any way out of this situation that will result in something pleasurable. I can only see a constant decrease in my standard of living. I'm going to be downsizing my house, my car, and likely my job title (in exchange for grunt work that pays more dollars). Worst of all will be the downsizing of seeing my children.

I was just informed last week that my child care expenses are going to double beginning this week. That is a jump from $200 to $400 a month. That plus the cost of my mortgage is the sum total of one take home pay check. Keep in mind this does not include car payment, gas, utilities, insurance, or food. I'm fucked!

Is there a cheaper way out of this? Sure there is. My estranged wife who lives in the vicinity of much of her family could have her family watch my daughter as they have during the summer and during the past school year. But remember, we're talking about my estranged wife. This wouldn't be right to her because it is fiscally smarter, involves asking family for help, does not carry the normal single parent/baby momma amenities of day care pick up where all the finest of folks meet to discuss food stamps and where they're kicking it this weekend. And let's not forget that it would help me.

No. Instead, I will will sell all at a loss, move to an apartment, and take on a job I hate while leaving a job I enjoy and likely won't be able to get back. I don't know what I did to God but sure I have sinned majorly. There is no head way for me. No light at the end of the tunnel. No breaks. I volunteered to work overtime hoping no one else would want to work weekends. Good luck with that. I work one day of OT per every 7-8 weeks. Yeah, that's going to make a dent in this financial nightmare. I'm fucked!

I keep saying it but I can't help it. I don't have cable, I don't have a new car (its 8 years old and dying), I don't kick it, I don't party, I don't even drink (an occasional MGD at the tune of $6, I know I'm killing the budget). I eat at home, I'm broke. I eat out, I'm broke. I don't buy clothes or shoes. I've got the same shoes I've had now for the last year at a total cost of $45. I'm no fashion guru. I really just want a simple life. I really want to be able to pay my bills and see a movie once in a while. Maybe take a woman out to dinner without fear. I"m fucked!

I've read Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. It's a good book. It's practical. It's right and true. However, at this point in time, in this economy, with my circumstances it seems impossible. I can't find part time employment to save my life. Believe me I'm applying and interviewing. The hours were made by people that must be determined to screw the shit out of you because they conflict with almost all other work schedules while only giving you part time employment. I'm fucked!

I've found a woman I can see myself loving. She has restored my faith in women in many ways. She's sweet, kind, caring, and incredibly generous. Yet, my circumstances would communicate a lack of care to bring anyone into this mess. I love you so much I'm going to bring you into a bunch of bullshit! That's not love. Even if I find additional employment I cut off my nose to spite my face. I won't see her again. Like my children, that schedule will be damned!!!! I'm fucked!

I can't really put it any other way. I can't move, I can't move on, I can't get ahead, I can't get help, I have no family support, my friends are old, sick, busy, or disinterested. I'm fucked. The family closest to me is two hours away and growing more ill and broken by the day. There is no assistance to be found there. I'm just happy those folks are still alive. At least I can hear their voices when I call (God knows I can't afford to visit). I'm fucked!

I blame my own foolish decision making on this. I blame the fact I married the woman I married. I blame the fact that out of a sense of faith and commitment I decided to live in a back woods city with a dying economy because I want to "Serve God." How foolish. Looks like I've served nothing. I'm blame myself for fucking around in college and not pursuing law school as planned. I blame myself for desiring to help people and choosing a course of study with a cap on earnings at the average income of people with next to zero education. I blame myself for trying to be responsible and not letting the house and the car go and declaring bankruptcy. I'm fucked!!!!!

I'm sorry for those of you that have read this. I'm sorry that you had to see the vile darkness that's in my heart. The anger, the profanity, the blasphemy, the bitterness. I'm fucked! I hope your lives are on a different course and you have light at the end of your tunnel. Never move away from your family support when you have children. You will need them, especially if the man or woman you had them with turns out to be a piece of shit. Never make a decision to stay in a city or any location because you wan to serve God at a specific church. You can serve God anywhere-Go where the money and opportunity is. Never choose a major simply because you love it. That shit sounds nice in books and speeches but when you have to pay for it and can't find work or can't make any money you'll remember what you loved and curse the day you chose it. Find something that will pay with little education. After you've made your money then go (debt free)to school and pursue your love. I'm fucked! And I don't mean that in no good way.