Am I Racist?

Am I racist? Some people tend to believe that if you're black you can't be racist. Much of this is born out of academia where very specific definitions are assigned to such words as "racism" and "prejudice" under certain context. Most people don't use terms in that way so I won't bore you with all that. Needless to say, I do believe that you can be racist regardless of your ethnic background.

I ask the question of racism as it pertains to myself because I find a strong jealously if not anger rise up in me when I see white men with black women. The city I live in is one of the most diverse places I've ever been in my life. The city I grew up in is known to many as the Mississippi of the North. Interracial dating and marriage were extremely rare. Not so where I live now.

Where I live now, you see all types of relationship combinations. You see black men with white women. White men with black women. You even see mixes between those of Asian, African, and Indian decent. This was all so new to me many years ago when I moved here. I found it refreshing and pleasurable to see people loving one another without hesitation. I never once questioned it or thought ill of it. Lately, I have.

Just a few weeks ago I was at the local library with my children. As we were leaving a beautiful ethnic looking (read twisted hair) black woman engaged my daughter. I was entranced by her good looks and warm heart. Given her strong ethnic style I just knew she was "a sister down for the cause" so to speak. As we all walked out of the door together I was shocked to find that a white gentleman was waiting for her with the car door open, newborn baby in tow.

I've seen people that have very strong ethnic styles date people outside of their race. Usually, the person outside of the race is also down for the cause and you can tell by their dress. That wasn't the case in this situation. This guy looked like Joe smoe, John Hancock, white guy. He wasn't buff, wasn't stylish, didn't have dreads or twist, and did not appear to be financially well off. He was a normal guy. I thought to myself, "How did that happen?"

In another situation one week ago I was at a carnival. While waiting for my children to finish a ride my attention was caught by a very sexy black woman. She took my breath. She too had a very ethnic style about her. I did not think to look for her boyfriend or husband when I saw her. My attention was focused solely on her. Within seconds, I would come to find out that she was being escorted by a white man. I was shocked on this one.

This guy looked like Michael Douglas' character from the movie Falling Down. The contrast in styles was compounded by this woman's "fineness." I thought it was such an unusual pairing that I took a picture with my phone to get a second opinion. Don't worry, I've since deleted it after gaining that second and third opinion. The opinions were the same. They just didn't look right together,

I had to ask myself if I was racist? After all, it's a valid question when you find yourself questioning the relationships of those from different ethnic cultures. After doing some serious thinking and reflection I have to the conclusion that I am not racist. What I am is, jealous. Further digging revealed that I ask the question of why people are together regardless of their ethnic backgrounds.

I ask, how did the fat sloppy guy get that girl to like him? How did the guy with the bucket pull a hotty like that? What is it that she sees in him? The real question is, "Why don't they see that in me?" Truth is, it's a question of my own self-confidence and self-worth. In my heart of hearts I wonder if I'm some type of weirdo or if I have a personality disorder that makes me unbearable to people. These are the honest thoughts I have.

The good news is that I'm not racist. The bad news is that I have haunting questions still floating around in my head. These are not good questions because it looks for validation outside of myself. If my self-worth, self-image, and self-esteem are dependent upon a woman validating me then I am truly lost. That is not how things should be and if that is the case any woman that would have me would eventually not have me on that alone. I've got some work to do. Like I said, the good news is I'm not racist.