I Cried Today

Today is Memorial Day. This is a holiday in which we remember those that have served our country and gone on to glory. Today is also the day my grandfather was born. He died of cancer several years ago. Had he lived, he'd be 88 years old today.

No other individual has impacted my life so deeply as did my grandfather. The man I am is the man he shaped me to be. My comedic wit, my slow deep voice, and my laid back presentation are all products of my grandfather. I remember him as the smartest man to have ever lived.

I call him the smartest man because you could ask him what any word meant and he'd give you a clear understanding. It may not be what you would find in a dictionary and it may be crude, but it would be spot on in meaning. My grandfather was like map quest. You could ask him for directions and he would be able to rattle them off in detail out of memory. I guess it helps when you've walked most of the city since you were a child. i remember my grandfather provided me with the formula needed to ride straight through a string of lights without catching one single red light. My friends thought he was a genius.

My grandfather was my first coach, first opponent, and first team mate in sports. He supported me in all of my efforts and desires. At one point he was my taxi as I played for three different baseball teams all practicing on the same day. He was protective, funny, affectionate, and supportive. He was a man amongst men. Always watching, always aware.

The last time I saw my grandfather alive I left him saying that I would return to his side in two weeks as I had a meeting to attend the following week. My grandfather looked at me intensely and said, "Do what you got to do son." It was chilling and even more so when he passed away before my return to his side. It was as though he knew his time had come. It was deeply meaningful to me as he had not spoken much since his preceding hospital admission. I hear those words echo in my ears often.

Not only do I hear those words, I hear many of my grandfather's phrases and statements when I need them. One day while driving my car I was stressing out about all that was taking place in my life. Suddenly as clear as day I heard my grandfather's voice, "Do what you can. That's all you can do." Reminded of his wisdom I immediately let go of my worries knowing I had done all I could.

Not a day passes where I don't think about him. From time to time I dream of being in his presence. He never speaks but only smiles. Somehow, I know it's a dream and I try my best to hold onto the moment as long as I can. I'm happy to be in his presence but I wish I could hear him speak. When I wake up I'm usually in tears as I don't know when I will see him again. It's tough have such dreams. When my grandfather first past they came often. There were even times when I"d have a question for him and I'd go to call only to remember that there was no one to call anymore.

As I remembered my grandfather this morning as both his birthday and a deceased vet (Red Ball Express), I was brought to tears. More than tears, I was sobbing. There are so many times when I would like to hear his thoughts on life's situations. I really wish I could ask him about the ordeal of the past year. He was my father. He was my example. He was my friend. I love him deeply and miss him all the more.

Death is a part of this life. It's painful. It's dreamlike. It's effects are lingering. Yet, it is what we should expect. We will never grow used to death as it was never meant to be for us. We were meant to be everlasting. Created without end. With that being the case, death is a reminder that something is very wrong with us as a race. I cried today because I was reminded of a normal part of life that was never meant to be.