What I've learned about marriage and Relationships

One thing I am able to take from my failed marriage is a more clear outlook on what I want in a mate and what to avoid. Don't misunderstand me. I loved my wife and still do. The pain of her infidelity is just too much to overcome. However, as I reflect I have come to see some issues that had I been more mature I would have looked out for.

The first issue is self-esteem. I don't think I will ever make a commitment to a woman with self-esteem issues. I'm not talking about the normal concerns that all folks have in lacking perfection. I'm talking about someone with serious self-image issues. My wife has those issues and I believe that is why she chose to stray. I believe she was looking to fill that void through the words and actions of another. My words were of little meaning as she believed I complimented her out of duty, rather than out of truth. No matter how many times I told my wife how beautiful she was it was never enough. To make certain that she knew I wasn't making up my feelings I detailed every part of her that I enjoyed. She just never bought it from me.

Keep the common things common. What I mean by this is that you must keep those things that brought you together in the forefront of the relationship. Early on, my wife and I were drawn together by love of music, love of cards, comedies, food, and militancy. As we matured our interest became spiritual. A good thing I might add. However, when we both visited the dark night of the soul there was nothing left in common between us. I was into politics, sports, literature, and action/thriller movies. My wife only wanted to laugh. She was trying hard to escape the realities of life by laughing her way through it. I like to laugh too, but I like a little variety from time to time.

Be on the same page sexually. I'm not talking about are we compatible and the need to test drive the car before you purchase it. I'm talking about do we have the same perspective on the issue? Are we both experimental? Are we willing to meet the other's needs (in reason)? Are we at the same level of drive? That type of stuff. My wife and I argued about sex a lot. There seemed to always be some issue in the way. Not to be vulgar, but I made sure that my wife got hers most every time. She would say that she was wore out, quivering, and couldn't stop the pulsating twitch from the action. I thought she was pleased. Yet, this did not increase frequency. Towards the end it was a done deal. Which was the physical manifesting the internal.

Know what you want and how you are going to get it before you get married. My wife was notorious for having champagne taste with beer money...hell, soda pop money at times. She wanted it all with no sacrifice. My wife had qualifications that would allow her to easily increase her yearly income by $20K if she would have only applied for such jobs. Yet, she gave all types of excuses as to why she wouldn't. Yet, she wanted a new kitchen, a new car, to be a stay at home mom, and eventually a new house in a new city altogether. I had worked hard to afford her the time to gain her credentials. Yet, she refused to use them. I couldn't get those credentials because the loss of income would have been too steep on my end. Despite all this, she complained about material items. While at the same time saying it's not about money...go figure. Be on the same page. If you want to live fly make sure you are both willing to do what it takes to be there.

I could go on but I will come back to this subject later. Take heed. It's important to be on the same page in a lot of places. You don't have to be the same person as your mate. But, you do have to be headed in the same direction.