WHAT'S A MAN TO DO

I just finished reading a book about a man that has an affair because his wife refused to have sex with him. The book paints a picture that the man was made to feel dirty or immoral about his sexual desires. Oddly enough, while having a conversation about relationships with a relative she brought up the issue of men stepping out because their wives wouldn't give them any lovin' unprompted. It was quite a convenient coincident. I understand this isn't uncommon at all.

The fictional and non-fictional issue of sex in marriage or any committed relationship has cause me to ask the question, "What is a man to do?" I mean really, is a man to just sit around forever waiting for the time when his wife feels like she's in the mood? That's horrible. When a man gets married he does so with the expectation of regular sexual activity. He doesn't do it with the hopes or dreams of it, but as a normal part of the marriage relationship. What man gets married for regular conversation and to have someone tell him what he's not doing right?

It's a strange thing because women seem down for all types of fucking pre-marriage. Be they Christian, Muslim, or any other persuasion, sex seems to be on the menu in great supply before the vows are exchanged. Yet, somewhere along the lines sex turns into a chore and the woman finds all types of reasons to resist engaging her husband in such a way. Included in these reasons is righteous indignation. Women seem to feel that sex is dirty and so is the man for wanting it on the regular. This is a societal myth that suits the needs of women nicely as needed.

Imagine for a moment if you will, that you have made a commitment to the person you love. You have declared it publicly. You lay down next to them nightly in near if not total nudity. Yet, you are expected to refrain from sexual activity with this person that you are connected to in mind, body, and soul. What type of life is that? What type of reality is that? If a woman wants a girlfriend then get a girlfriend. Don't get married.

Getting married will only torture you and the man. You will be tortured because you desire someone to hold you, support you, listen to you, provide for you, and protect you without physical engagement. Not gonna happen. In addition, you will be frustrated by the fact that the man will continue to press the issue. And if pressing the issue fails, he's going to press his way out the door to a woman that is willing and able. The man will be frustrated because despite his best efforts he's not getting what he so highly values-SEX. He will equally be angered by the characterization that he is a dog with uncontrollable desires (God given desires). And, he will resent the fact that he feels the need to go outside the relationship for satisfaction.

To put it bluntly, it's fucked up. It's fucked up that a man would be put in a situation where he would feel the need to search elsewhere for sexual gratification. It's fucked up that his wife or committed other would try to justify her frigged ways by demonizing the man. It's one big old mess. But, what is a man to do?

Turning Cake Into Beef

The other day I was having an on-line conversation with a life time friend. I've known this girl since before I can remember. We went to school most of our early childhood, lived around the corner from each other, and went to prom together. In short, we're friends. Well, at least we were until recently.

As I was saying we were chatting online the other day. My friend said she was going to bake a cake. Being a lover of bake goods and cake in particular I asked for her to send me a one. She replied that she would send me a picture. I told her thanks for nothing. At this point, her husband jumped into the discussion and said I had to get my own. I took it lightly and continued to joke with him.

Later on, building off of the earlier exchange I asked my friend why her husband was "cake blocking?" She thought is was funny as did I and stated because her husband doesn't like to share her goodies. We had a laugh and that was that. Or, so I thought.

I would later be informed that my joke caused serious offense to her husband. He stated that he thought is was inappropriate under any circumstances no matter how close we were as friends. I was cool and said that I was sorry for any offense and that I would lay low. My friend responded by saying that she knew I would be cool. The next day we were no longer friends. I was cut lose just like that.

Now, I'm no fool. I don't think our Internet chats are something that should be an issue in her marriage or anyone else' for that matter. I mean its not that serious. However, I am bothered that someone would think that I was trying to push up on their wife. I would never do such a thing. I'm kind of honored by it in a sense that he saw me as a threat. Still, my character felt assaulted and so I was bothered.

I'm a bit dumbfounded how an innocent joke about cake turned into beef. I think I know the answer. When I was a kid my best friend told me to never cheat. He said that his own cheating ways had caused him to become paranoid. He started to question everyday behaviors by his girlfriend because he saw his own actions in the works. I think this might be the cause of the overreaction and beef.

In any event, I will press on. I'm a good guy. I know it. I meant no harm. It's just unfortunate that people have to go through bull because of the behavior of others. Every move we make has an impact not only on ourselves but on others. Sometimes those are good. Sometimes, they are bad. It all depends. Life is no piece of cake, but you will have beef.

FAMILY TRAIT

I've been playing close attention to how my uncle and male cousins treat their spouses or significant others. They are very service oriented. They make their plates, their coffee, do the clothes, and when possible they move quickly to meet the desires of their better half. They defer to their partners. If some goes wrong they make it right. They are servants.

My grandfather did the same thing. Prior to his passing he took care of a great deal of business including his own funeral arrangements and that of my grandmother unbeknownst to her. He did many things for his wife even after he loss the use of his legs. He was a lover/servant. This is something that has been caught by the men of my family.

I too served my wife. I did a lot around the house. I did the dishes, the laundry, bathed and clothed the kids, put the kids to bed, made breakfast, did lawn work, took care of the finances, took care of the cars, and anything else I could provide. If my wife asked for it I tried my damnedest to take care of it. I was doing what I knew to be right.

In some ways I feel as though this is a weakness and a downfall of our family men. I think in some ways women don't respect that type of thing. Many want a domineering man that flips the script and demands service from his wife. In some ways I feel that women don't respect a servant style man. I think had I been more harsh I might still have my wife. I'll never really know. I wanted to discard this part of my personality but I can't. I am who I am. After all, it's my heritage, it's a family trait.

FAMILY MATTERS

I am currently enjoying the pleasure of my families company over this holiday season. It is amazing how the family has grown exponentially. Where there were once 3 cousins, there is now 9 from one branch. I have brought two of my own to the party. It has truly warmed my heart to see all of the children interacting and loving one another as family should. Amidst all of this good will I have noticed a difference between some of the children.

Some of the kids are older, some younger, some boys, some girls, some live here, some are visitors. Some are taller, some are smaller, some are thinner, some are fatter. Some are brown, some are light skinned, some even look a tad bit Asian. Some are quiet. Some are loud. Some are just right. Yet, these are not the differences that stand out.

What has stood out is the difference in temperament and response to being told "no." The children with their families in tact (mother, father, same home) seem to be more balanced. There are less tears, less acting out, less tantrums, and the like. On the flip side, those with broken families (single parent home, separation, divorce) appear to have an upswing in poor behavior. This is not to say that they are bad children. What I am saying is that their growth and adjustment has been impacted by the absence of both parents in the home.

I don't think I'm telling people anything they don't already know. Common sense and studies tell us that intact families are the best environment for raising children. I have seen this play out myself as those with both parents in the home in my family have been better off economically, educationally, and socially. There is tremendous benefit to maintaining a traditional family.

I had hoped to provide such a family to my children. I've always felt somewhat less than due to my lack of financial production, the inability to maintain my children's education in private schools, and give them any toys or gadgets they wanted. The one saving grace I had was that I could provide my children with a strong family structure. It is my great regret that I can no longer provide that to my children.

I can love my children hard and well. I can spend a great deal of time with them and teach them all they need to know. Yet, I can not provide the benefits of a mommy and daddy in the home. Some things just can't be replaced. It is unfortunate that this had to take place. I wish I had the strength to put it back together again for their sake. I'm too selfish. Perhaps a stronger man could forgive and move on. I can't. Despite my shortcomings, I hope that I can instill in my children that families matter.

Levels of Existence

I have been having an internal struggle lately. I've been going back and forth on weather what to do with the direction of my life. On one hand I'm quite pleased with my life and the way things are going right now. They're not perfect but I like the feel of things. On the other hand I know something is missing. It's really an issue of what I know to be true and walking in that truth.

I know that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the truth. I know that moral living is the best way to go whether the outcomes are what you desire or not. I know that there are everlasting implications not only for myself but for others based upon how I live. I know that I have gifts that God has given me for his purposes. Yet, I'm not satisfied with what that life has brought me. I'm thoroughly disappointed with the behavior of those in the fold of the Christian family and what has happened in my life.

Plus, to turn back to a life of faithful Christian living would mean some serious lifestyle changes that would impact the "fun" I'm having right now. Some of these changes are major, some not so major. Yet, much like relationships with women I don't know if I have the strength to venture back into the brutal arena of Christianity. I like the carefree living I'm doing right now. I like being able to watch the NFL pre-game shows and see the games from beginning to end without missing a thing. I like not being tied down with church meeting after church meeting with little results to show for my time and efforts. I'm just tired.

Still, I know that I can't keep doing what I'm doing with a clear conscience. I have maintained that my heart isn't in it. That's the Gospel truth cause its not. At least not right now. Yet, I know that I'm missing something. I know that "we were meant for more...but we've lost ourselves" to steal a line from Switchfoot. In the movie, The Matrix Reloaded, there is a statement made that the robots are prepared to go on at a certain "level of existence." This "existence" alluded to something less than abundance. That's kind of where I'm at right now. There are levels of existence I'm prepared to deal with right now. It's hard because I know that there is more...I just don't want to chase it without obtaining it.

This issue has really been on my mind lately. I feel that a return to the faith is the key to the return to my true self. At the same time, I'm seriously fearful of being wholly disappointed again. If I'm completely transparent for a moment I would tell you that I'm still mad at God for what has happened in my life. Why wouldn't he protect me? Why wouldn't he protect my children? I know he could have if he wanted to. That's where I'm at. That's honesty. Diving back into my faith would ring false and folks would know it. What am I to do? Until I can figure it out I guess there are levels of existence I'm prepared for.

Aston Martin Love

One of my favorite songs right now is Aston Martin Music by Rick Ross. I love the melody, the smooth sound of Chrissette Michelle (it helps that she's beautiful), and the multi-talented contributions of Drake, and of course Ross' lyrics. What I really like is the theme of the song.

Aston Martin is a European sports car made popular world wide by the James Bond movies. The care cost roughly $200k. It is the symbol of success for many in the hip hop game. Owning one of these is a clear example of having made it to the pinnacle of your dreams. There is another meaning the symbolism of the car holds in this song. The theme is actually seen throughout hip hop in several different songs. It has something to do with exclusivity.

The exclusivity I speak of is not one of financial accomplishment or status. It is one of relationship. The Aston Martin is a two seater sports car. That means it only holds the driver and one other person-MAX. That is some serious exclusivity. A decision must be made as to who you will open that second seat to. It's a position of honor, importance, significance...love.

I'm hoping to one day be able to regain that type of love and significance in my life. I want to hold that second spot in the two seater in a woman's heart and she in mine. I really believed I was in a two seater with my wife. Turned out I was pushed out of my own car and left sitting on the curb. I was car jacked. Anyway, I digress. I'm hoping to one day celebrate all aspects of the Aston Martin. The success, the money, the relationship, the exclusivity...I want it all. I'm going to push until I have it. I'm tryin' to have that Aston Martin life...that Aston Martin love.

NO STRENGTH

A common recurring question that comes up is "Will you get married again?" I go back and forth on this. There are days when I really want to be married again. I want that feeling of support, security, loyalty, love found in that context. I want to have more children and I think that is best done in the bounds of marriage. Yet, there are other days when I know that I don't have what it takes to do it again. At least, I don't have it right now.

There are times when I am selfish and I know it. I'm not at a place emotionally where I can support the changes that a woman goes through. I don't have it in me right now to deal with the emotional roller coaster that is a woman. I'm dealing with this right now in some respects. My good female friend is not exempt from the emotional ups and downs that come with the beauty of femininity. As such, she had mood swings that require attention. It is during these times that I realize I don't have it in me. I'm selfish. I would rather fall back and wait for the air to clear than to stand and be counted.

I'm worn out. This shows the limitations of my healing at this point in time. I'm good for hanging out. Being affectionate. Supporting goals. I have little patience or stamina for any kind of drama. That will need to be addressed before I go head first into a relationship. I can't be this way in a full blown committed relationship. It's not fair to my partner. It's not healthy for the relationship. It's not good if I want it to last.

I don't know if I can regain this strength. I'm still reluctant and jaded. Being open is not at all where I'm at. I open myself up as much as I would for the general public. I don't do it to the degree I would hope for in a intimate relationship. I hope I can recover in all ways necessary to love again. Right now, I don't have the strength.

HEAT

The sex drive is something else. I have had long periods of time where I have had little to know urge for sexual activity. This isn't to say that I wasn't hot to trot, but that I wasn't feeling that usual drive. I have found this to be a good thing most of the time. If you're not having sex it's nice to not feel the need to have sex. This isn't always the case.

On other occasions, I find that my sex drive is in overdrive. I felt like this in recent weeks. If you can remember shows like Tom and Jerry, Bugs Bunny, and the like you can recall the characters seeing people turn into items of food (like a juicy chicken) when they were hungry. That's how I felt. Everywhere I went I was seeing women in a way that went beyond the normal assessment. I wanted to hit it in the worst way. The urge was overwhelming.

I know this isn't unique to me. Many of my male friends have confirmed that they have experienced such highs on the drive. It feels like fire, desire, passion, in an animalistic way. Some handle this issue by shooting off knuckle children. Others, just let it ride out. And some, go get it till they can't get it anymore. I find that if I can hold off I'm good. If I can get some lovin' even better. Knuckle children bore me to death and are of no help whatsoever.

At the writing of this post I'm feeling pretty cool. I know this won't always be my state of existence. The drive Eb's and flows. Until I can find that regular stream of good loving often found in a committed relationship I'll have to suffer through those high times. Maybe I should lock myself up like people do their dogs? Well, all is not lost....HEAT is good in the winter.

SEX MATTERS

For a long time it has been taught in Christian circles that Sex means the world to men, and not so much for women. As a disciple and dedicated student of the Church (at the time) I believed this hook, line, and sinker. What I have come to find out is that this is not exactly true.

To be certain, sex is at the top of the list for 99.99999999% of men. I can't think of one thing a man would prefer to do given a chance to make love to a woman. On the flip side, this is not often the case for women. But, sex is not far off from things a woman would like to do.

Sex is profoundly connecting for women. It is a relationship/intimacy enhancer. There is an exchange and an unleashing of emotion that connects a woman to her lover in such a way that is is near impossible to break. There appears to be two particular occasions in which this spectacular happening takes place. The first is the "first." The second is the best.

A woman's first lover has such a deep impact upon women that science has shown that women will be led to get involved with men that remind them of their first lover. This includes personality, physicality, etc... The first will never be forgotten, always be an issue, and likely be primary in the mind of a woman. The first is not only the first sexually, but the first love. They hold a special place because this will be the only time a woman has loved a man without having a history of a broken heart. This man may very well destroy a woman for all overs.

The second is the man that finds that "Spot." Sex does matter to women. What seems to matters most in sex is the quality of the experience. If a man is able to connect with a woman on a physical level that unleashed that explosion of pleasure and ecstasy he can almost be guaranteed entry anytime he wants. The quality of the lovemaking experience has a lot to do with skill. It may have even more to do with how the woman views the man.

If the woman has a high amount of respect for the man, if he has captured her heart, if he has "swag," he may have become the best before he has ever touched the woman in that way. It has been said that the greatest sex organ is between a person's ears. I think this is true. If a man can capture the heart and mind of a woman, any bit of physical skill will lock (or open) her up forever. Both the first and the best seem to cause significant ongoing problems for both women and men.

One thing I have come to find is that the first and the best don't seem to last. The first tends to take place so early in life that it is near impossible to proceed long term toward marriage. That's a shot because it guarantees heartbreak and will only add to the struggles of the man that want to love that woman. As for the best, he's typically a gamer and his skill at charming women and making them feel special is too great to be contained to any one woman. He's spreading the love and is rarely tied down...marriage be damned.

These two situations can jack a woman up for life if she doesn't address these issues. It can in turn, jack a man up for life as he is trying to overcome the first experience, the best experience, and pick up the broken pieces of the woman's heart. That's a tall order for any man. Not to mention all the other sexual experiences and heartbreaks and aches that have been compounded along the way. Sex matters to women. Unfortunately, it tends to matter in such a way that it doesn't do them or anyone else much good.

NOW I KNOW...

I have been trying to figure out for a long time what exactly I want to do with my life. Do I want to write books? Do I want to do radio? Do I want to be a public speaker of some kind? Do I want to be a pastor/minister? Do I want to be a public official? Well, I have finally come to a conclusion as far as what I want to do now. I have to laugh about it a bit because it's kind of simple.

It came to me like a moment of clarity. Why do I have to choose between any one of my ambitions? Why not combine them all? Why not become a media conglomerate of "ONE?" I figure I can do most if not all of the things I have placed on the table. I can write, I can speak, I can broadcast, and I can have an impact on the public.

It has always been my desire to have a positive impact upon my community at large. Initially I wanted to do this through social activism. Later, I wanted to impact my community by serving in full time ministry. Now, I see a way that I can do it all. When I tell people I want to do public speaking they often respond by saying that I could easily make something up. This is a disappointing commentary on those that provide such services. I'm not one for fluff or bull. I want to provide something of value to people. Something that goes beyond the moment and will impact them for life. I can do that through each one of these media outlets.

I am currently moving in this direction now. I'm working behind the scenes to find my starting point and get the word out there. If I can pull this off it will be a significant happening, perhaps second only to the birth of my children. I plan on tackling issues such as relationships, morals, politics, manhood, mentoring, spirituality, and more. I think all of these connect to each other. I plan on being a crusader.

It has been my long held belief that my calling is to help people reach their full potential. I must first do this by reaching mine. And so here I go, setting out on a mission to do something great. To do something that will have long lasting impact. To do something that has a scope greater than myself. Now I know what I'm going to do. Now it's time to get to doing it.

3 CHAIRS

If you go out shopping for a dining room or kitchen set you typically will find that they are equipped to seat four people as evidenced by the four chairs. Sometimes due to space, people will only set up 3 chairs with one section of the table placed firmly against the wall. This is not the designers intention for the set but it will suffice. Yet, you always keep the extra chair near by just in case you need it or find that you have more space in the future.

When I look at my dining room set I can't help but recognize that one chair is missing. It wasn't always this way. At one time there were four fully functional chairs. The one chair that is missing was broken the same day my heart was broken. To add insult to injury, one of the remaining chairs, though functional, has some issues. Funny, kind of like me.

The kitchen set my wife took with her to her new place only has 3 chairs as well. This particular chair wasn't broken in one moment but over time. The screws were coming lose unbeknownst to me and by the time I figured it out it was too late, broken. I guess that's similar to my wife. She was breaking and I didn't know it.

Now the 3 chairs are a reminder of what once was, what is, and never again shall be. It is a cruel symbol of how things were meant to be and how things truly are. This is a reflection of much of life. There is a way that things were designed to be, the way they are, and the pain of knowing what will never again be. There are 3 chairs where there should be 4. I lost one.

THIS USED TO MEAN SOMETHING

Today should be the celebration of my 11th wedding anniversary. This day was always special as I would look back on my decision to marry my wife with pride and joy. I used to sit back and think how this day confirmed that I had maid the right decision. This year, I am reminded of just the opposite.

This day was once the most special day of the year for me. It was the mark of the beginning of my own family. The day that I showed my love for another by placing a ring on her finger symbolizing the everlasting love I had for her in hopes of being together for all time. It was to be a monument in the family tree where my descendants would look back and behold our union as the beginning of something great.

Now this day is more like a pariah. A reminder of what was, could have been, and in many ways never was. It is no longer joyous, prideful, or celebratory. It is embarrassing, shameful, and painful. This day has been proven to be a farce. It was make believe in my own mind. I was playing house. Eventually, my wife had to go back home.

I no longer have to concern myself with what to do on this day to show my love and appreciation. I no longer have to arrange for child care. I no longer have hopes of making love throughout the night to as the cherry on top to celebrate my union. I am no longer looked upon by others for strength and as a resource for marriage. It's over. I thought of being facetious and sending a "Happy anniversary" message to my wife. My better judgement retarded that thought. After all, this day doesn't mean a damn thing now.

100

This blog post is monumental for me. It's my 100th post. It is a small accomplishment, but an accomplishment nevertheless. I thought that I might fall off from posting my thoughts on this project. I figured once the anger subsided that my passion for writing on this subject would also subside as well. That has not been the case. This blog has served as a valuable outlet for my thoughts, feelings, opinions, and questions. It has been cathartic.

On the subject of 100, I am just that. The commonly used "100" describes a person keeping it real, being honest, no holds barred. I value honesty and transparency. I'm not interested in misleading people, manipulating people, or tricking people about anything. I've adopted the belief that if you tell the truth you don't have to worry about what you said. I would think that being honest would have high value and serve me well. It hasn't always.

I was recently informed that due to my good guy presentation, being honest, and keeping it 100, actually causes pause about my trustworthiness. I have been told that because I wouldn't be suspected of cheating is the very reason I am suspected of cheating. I had to laugh and yet I was a bit taken aback by the statement. Cant' win for losing.

I know why someone would be concerned about my honesty. Since I was a kid I have always been referenced as a measure or standard for the truth because I was known to be honest even in difficult situations. Many tried to use me to support their lies. I wasn't interested in ruining my rep for their foolishness. I'm not interested in ruining my rep for my foolishness these days either.

I can see how I could use my character and presentation to my advantage for malicious activity. Yet, I never have. What you see is what you get. I'm a nut, a bit eccentric, highly intellectual, honest, nice guy. I'm no more, no less. Despite the fear that my honesty seems to put in the minds of people I will continue to keep it 100.

AIN'T NO GOING BACK

Over the course of the past 12 months I have been asked if I have made any headway with my wife? This question resurfaces over and over again despite my declaration that this union is over. Recently my wife sent me a text stating that she has lost all hope for reconciliation. I replied stating that I lost all hope a long time ago. "I'm a man with pride, ego, and heart. The woman I married died a long time ago as far as I'm concerned."

Most of the people that ask me this question are women. In addition to that, many women I've talked to that know without a shadow of a doubt that their husbands/boyfriends have cheated on them have chosen to stay. This has led me to wonder if men and women are built differently concerning how they handle infidelity? I believe they are.

Many of the women that I've spoken with have various reasons for why they've decided to stay. Many have children to consider. Some have financial responsibilities that they can not maintain without their partner. Some, have settled that all men cheat. That is my grandmother's perspective. She has stated repeatedly over my life that all men cheat. Whatever it is, this staying power doesn't seem to be present in men.

Men don't have a worldview that accepts unfaithfulness on the part of the woman. I think that something to do with the general make-up of both men and women concerning sex. For men, sex is physical...purely physical in most cases. Men are visual beings, easily aroused by what they see, and ready to act at a moments notice. For men, sex is just that sex. The presence of passion and desire aren't always present. Men can have sex and move on like they just shook hands. Nothing more, nothing less. It's true when a man says, "I was just fucking her, I love you." I know it seems impossible but it can be.

Women don't function like this by and large. Certainly, more and more you are seeing women that engage in sex like men and claim they have know emotional effects. I don't believe this is the case for most women. When a woman has sex with a man it's normally because he has captured her heart in some shape or form. It is not a simple fulfilling of physical desire. Instead, it's a connection of emotion, intellect, and body. For women, the giving of their bodies is the giving of their hearts.

The difference between the two sexes is the very source of the problem. Women can deal and recover from the infidelity of a man because of how men engage. It's not that it isn't extremely painful. It's not that it doesn't have lasting, damaging effects on the relationship. It's the fact that if a man has a sex with a woman he is not giving his heart. It's the woman that he's living to live with, support, and suffer with that has caught his heart. Other women are likely just a piece of ass.

If this was the case for women men could probably recover a little better. If women viewed men as just a "dick." A means to an end, then men could probably deal. That simply isn't reality. Truth is, when a woman's gone...she's gone. Once you take it their ain't no coming back. I wish that women would recognize this difference in men and particularly the difference in me. I'm not looking to reconcile. I'm not holding out hope for a reckoning. I'm done. Once she took it there, AIN'T NO COMING BACK.

EPIDEMIC

The journey of my marital relationship has brought me in contact with many different people. Some old. Some young. Some my very age. What has been consistent is the presence of infidelity. Most of those that have shared this painful part of their lives with me have been women. Some have been men. What has surprised me is the incredible numbers of people that have been hit with news that their spouse has been unfaithful.

I have come to find that folks that have been married for decades or more, have strong public appearances, or that are even in ministry have suffered the pain of infidelity. If you watch the news or at all socially conscious you likely have an awareness of the fear that HIV/AIDS will one day become an epidemic. This really hasn't been the case. What has been the case and in growing numbers is the epidemic of infidelity.

Cheating is off the charts. Men lie, women lie. Hell, you have down low folks which is cheating on a whole notha' level. It is as though we have become animals driven by instinct and without thought or logic. There is a hilarious scene in the movie The Five Heartbeats where a man is being encouraged to seek help for his sexual activities. The man's brother, Duck, says, "Hi, my name is JT and I can't control my dick." It was a comical statement on the man's inability to be faithful. I think most the nation could repeat that statement right about now.

Dr. Drew said that he believes people have fallen to a state of being where they struggle with the ability to be intimate in any other way than sexually and therefore they cheat. My therapist stated that people who cheat enjoy the thrill of the adrenaline brought on by the sneaking around. It's addictive, hard to produce in a committed relationship, and fades after time requiring a new lover. Essentially we are becoming more animalistic.

I've never cheated in my life. I've had thoughts, desires, and even dreams. However, I've never hugged a woman, touched a woman, kept a woman's number or met a woman in secret. Cheating is not my thing. This epidemic makes it hard to trust people. It makes it hard to let your heart be free to be open and penetrated by the presence and substance of another. I will always have some level of trepidation concerning relationships.

The cheating epidemic is destroying lives, families, hearts, and future generations. Where is the push to stop this disease? There was a move by President Bush to require marriage counseling before divorces could be granted. I'm not saying the government should mandate such things but the heart of the issue is important. Children are best raised in families. Sex is safest in committed relationships. A change needs to happen and happen quickly. We may be looking at the end of monogamy. I hope not.

HATERS...

I'm not one that talks about "Haters." Truth be told, I hate the whole discussion about haters. I just can't stand the incredible conceit one has to have to think that people are so concerned about their life that they put a great deal of energy into bad mouthing or pulling them down. Another reason I can't stand the "hater" view is that I hear criminals say that people are hating on them for treating them like what they are...CRIMINALS!!!!!

I know that people do have enemies and there are backstabbing people in the world, but folks have taken things to the level of Megalomania. Folks really go around as if they are celebrities and folks just can't wait to get a piece of them. I remember my boss used to ask me what one of my co-workers (equal in rank) did? I couldn't answer the question because I don't watch other people like that. I do my job and pay attention to those things that fall in that sphere. I'm not looking to hate, hype, or kiss ass.

So, I say all that so I can say this; I HAVE HATERS!!!! I know it seems rather hypocritical but it's true. I was recently having a conversation with a friend of mine that amply told me that I was clearly discriminated against while we were both serving at the same organization. He told me that he would recommend me for leadership roles or as a presenter and time after time he would hit a brick wall. He said he was perplexed as to why folks were so down on me...and he came to the conclusion it was my educational background.

This isn't the first time I've been hated against. I was passed over for a promotion by one of my employers and amply placed on the shit list due to a hater. Turns out that my competition wasn't just promoting herself, she was taking credit for my work and planting seeds that I didn't do jack. Nice combo. She was promoted to oversee a $14 million facility while I was threatened with losing my job. I didn't find out till it was all too late.

My last example comes from my previous place of employment. I was asked to meet with one of the high ups from headquarters. I was honest, open, and shared my opinion concerning material needs and suggestions. The higher up thanked me for my time and went on her way. She met with several other employees before a meeting was held with the administration. It was reported to me that my supervisor specifically asked what I said? They said she never inquired about anyone else. This same woman would have me investigated for alleged threats against her. Never happened. HATER!!!!

Apparently, I'm the type of person that you either lover or hate. No middle ground. People are often surprised when they hear that someone doesn't like me. I'm equally surprised. Not cause I'm so great, but because I treat people with respect. I can remember a man jokingly telling me once, "I don't like you. You know why? Cause your too nice." Story of my life. I guess I'll have to curtail my hate for the "hater" discussion. They are real. They are out there. And they are hating on you.

QUANTUM PHYSICS

Years ago I was at a conference and the speaker talked about quantum physics. Now, I'm no scientist so if this is wrong please feel free to correct me. As I understand it, quantum physics simply put is the theory that every action has an impact greater than the action alone. For example, a butterfly fluttering it's wings in Africa will produce a wind that will be eventually felt on the other side of the world.

I bring this up because I think of how we don't realize the impact our actions have individually and collectively on our world. My wife's actions and assault on our marriage continues to have an ever expanding negative impact on my world. My wife's actions have resulted in the destruction of our marriage, the painful splitting of parents for my children, and ever unfolding financial impact.

The impact on my children is the greatest of all these. My son and daughter have been impacted emotionally in more ways than I know. It shows in their behavior, academic performance, and emotional outburst when I have too leave them. I hope and pray that this won't negatively impact the rest of their lives, but I know there will be some residue. My wife's butterfly flutter has turned into a full blown tsunami.

Financially, I am in danger of losing my home, credit shot to hell, the declaration of bankruptcy, and who knows what else. I saw this one coming from a mile a way. She said she didn't care when she left. Apparently, she forgot that she didn't care because now she's pissed that she too will need to declare bankruptcy if I can salvage this ship. Hey, choices have consequences.

Psychologically, there is an impact as well. My psychological fall out was quick, fast, and explosive. I often survey the mentally ill patients I treat daily and think to myself, "I was very close to being here." Thankfully, things didn't go as far as they could have but I was on my way. On my wife's end I hear that she is suffering horribly. I won't list her issues but they are concerning. I'm mad as hell but I don't wish ill will upon her. After all, she is the mother of my children.

These are just a few of the things that are starting to come to fruition as we creep up on a years anniversary. I know there is more to come. I'm prepared for this. What I'm not prepared for is what will happen to my kids. They are showing resolve but this should have never happened to them. Remember, every action has an equal reaction...and sometimes more.

RAW EMOTION

I know I've mentioned my respect and appreciation for the work of 2Pac. I love his lyrical wizardry. He was an MC that was both substantive and entertaining. Pac had the good fortune of tight beats and good publicist. No doubt, he's one of the greatest rappers of all time. I used to think that Pac was confused. He would make songs like "Brenda's Got a Baby," a conscious song about teenage pregnancy, abuse, and neglect. Then he turns around and makes song like, "Thug Life," a song promoting criminal behavior. I've come to change my mind a bit.

Pac may have in fact been as real as one can get. His mixed group of songs was a lyrical representation of the reality each and everyone of us experience daily. His songs showed all sides of the human Psyche, struggle, doubts, triumphs, desires, hopes, and dreams. He was no more confused than anyone of us. Not only did he reflect this lyrically but he did so vocally. There was no doubt that Pac was feeling his work as you hear him strain with rage and anger. He was raw emotion.

I can relate to Pac now. My writings are thoughts and emotions captured in print of my current mood and mindset. I spill my hopes and dreams, pains and struggles, beliefs and doubts, right here on this blog. A distant viewer might think I'm confused. And, to be honest, sometimes I am. But more than confused I'm real. I have ups and downs. Highs and lows. Good days and bad days alike. You get a peek at my heart every time I write. I'm not crazy. I'm human.

It is rare that people ever get to see the raw emotion I possess. It is often shown in those rare times of anger and frustration. It can be explosive. Some people are scared by it because it's so out of character for me. At times, I scare myself. This isn't something that happens often but when it does it's bad. I also have to pull in my raw comedic emotion at times as I have been known to go to far.

If you take time to go through my earlier writings you will see that there is an explosion of anger and cynicism on the front end. I was just putting what I felt out there. As time has gone on things have improved...a little...and my writings are slightly more balanced. This is real. This is life. This is me. Certainly, I haven't spilled everything on this blog. Some things have to be held close to the vest. Not that I'm ashamed of my thoughts, but I don't know that folks are ready for full blown me.

Writing is my outlet. It's where I can bounce my thoughts off the cyber wall and see what I have. It's where I can yell and scream without consequence. This is where I can be confused, encouraged, angry, irreverent, and outright ignorant if I so desire. This is my place of raw emotion.

UNIQUE DATES

I have long been thinking of things to do on dates that would be slightly out of the norm and yet fun and interesting. I'm generally a dinner and movie guy. I love food, I love movies...makes sense to put the two together. Yet, that can get played out. Especially for someone that isn't into movies like that. I have compiled a number of dates that I think might be off the beaten path:

1. An Evening of learning how to BBQ: I love BBQ and love to learn about it. I thought this interactive, cooking, tasting, learning, experience would be something different. Hey if it bombs I still got to learn something and eat something. Those are important.

2. Touring a Brewery: I'm a big fan of beer. I'm not a drunk. Sometimes I go weeks without having a sip of brew. But, if the mood is right I'm having at least one before bed on most days. I really would like to take a tour of a brewery one day. I'm in luck cause one is close to where I live. I'm the type of guy that likes to learn things for the sake of knowing and experiencing it. Who wants to see a brew?

3. Making my own Brew: Since I'm on the brew tip already I might as well become a brew master while I'm at it. There is a place or two or three in my area that teaches you how to make your own brew. One place let's you age, name, and label your own brew. You could call it, "Knocking the Brews." Which is what you hope to do if the date goes well.

4. Wine Making: I'm not a big wine drinker but I know women tend to be a fan. Plus, as a kid I remember my grandparents making their own wine. It was delicious! Oh, and there is one of those around my home as well.

5. A trip to the Vineyard: I'm not talking about Martha's Vineyard, though that would be nice. I'm talking about an actual trip to a vineyard. There happens to be one within half an hour of my home. Not great for the winter time, but a good spot to hit nonetheless. You can wine and dine in a beautiful setting. How many men are doing that at a Vineyard?

6. All Fired UP: All Fired Up is the name of a company that allows you to fashion your own pottery in their store. I thought this would be cool. You get to shape, mold, bake, and paint your own pottery. If you're an artsy type this could work for you.

7. Trip to the Museum: This might be a little difficult cause I'm not talking about your run of the mill museum. I'm talking about going to a Psychology Museum where you can see the mid-evil treatment of the insane. Or, a Sex Museum...I don't know what you would find there but I'm sure it will be fun. And of course, you could try the Madame Tussauds Wax Museum. These dates would be advanced for some but I think it would be worth it.

8. The Football Hall of Fame: If you are lucky enough to be with a woman that loves football this would be a great place to go for a date. Lot's of history, lots to talk about, some interactive activities, and food. If you know this woman, marry her...NOW!

9. Safari: If your woman is an animal lover you might want to make a trip to a local wildlife safari. These spots are fun. You get to see animals you normally wouldn't in a setting that is slightly different from the zoo. You can feed the animals, watch presentations and events, and hang out. This could be a winner.

10. Shop Talk: You may want to opp for a nice quaint evening at your local coffee shop. This is a nice place to kick back, relax, and get to know your date a little better. I like this option because it allows you to take time getting to know the person. You shouldn't be talking at the movies so you might spend time with a person and not know them anymore than you did at the beginning of the night.

11. Sporting Event: Hey, if you can get your woman to go to a baseball, basketball, or football game I highly recommend it. Basketball games have all types of activity going on so even if you're not a sports fan you will likely be entertained. Football can be good too if the whether is right. Baseball can provide a nice scenic, laid back atmosphere where you can talk and enjoy an event at the same time.

These are some of the things I've come up with. I have more but I will spare you for now. Let me know your ideas. I'm always looking for new things to do.

Sunday Mornings

As I sit in my grandmother's kitchen this Sunday morning I had a moment of reflection on my life. Just a few years ago on any given Sunday I would have been found in a church somewhere, teaching class, praying, or participating in the service in some form or fashion. I literally went a decade where I believe I missed a sum total of 3 Sunday services during that time. My how things have changed.

A few years ago you would have seen me, my wife, and my children making our way to church service come hail, sleet, or snow. We were dedicated to the church (and God) and it showed. I went every Sunday expecting something special to happen. What that something was I had no idea, but I was expecting. I was highly revering of the pastor of the church and sought to be counted among them. I had aspirations of spreading the Gospel across the world and bringing honor to Christ name.

A few years ago you would have found me giving as much money as I could possibly afford, and some I couldn't, to the church in an effort to build up the "kingdom." I would have been defending the decisions of the pastor and the lifestyle they live. I would have gladly withstood claims that I was a member of a cult and that I had been brainwashed. I would have been doing a lot different things just a few years ago.

Now, I hardly ever go to church. If I do it's because I want my children to be exposed to the practices of faith and not be complete heathens. I find that I'm seriously bored by church. I'm bothered by the rhetoric, by the pedestal treatment of the leaders, and the unfulfilled unpromissed unwritten hope that is delved out weekly. The church has become so enculterated with materialism, popularity, and status that you really can't tell the difference between them and any hip hop show on Mtv. I find it hard to stomach.

Apart from my own issues with the church is the fact that so much of my life has fallen apart when all I wanted to do was serve him. I've lost my wife, partially lost my children, have no desire to serve, and I am viewed as a dangerous person by those I once served with. There is good reason to be cautious of me as a spiritual person. I'm dangerous. I'm well versed in theology and know the difference between philosophy and reality. I can argue with the best of them. I can tear up a persons belief system if I were wicked and reckless. I'm not.

I think some believers are afraid because they fear that I'll bust their bubble. I will question their beliefs with no real retort or answer to my questions. I'm a man with an experience and sadly they are men with an argument. My experience does not match their argument, nor does most of their experiences match their own beliefs. That's what makes it hard for me to return to church. It's that most of what is spoken from the pulpit just isn't a reality for most people and not supported by the Bible.

When you read the Bible you see people living what is being preached. There is a reality and a fusion of theology, faith, and life. I don't see this today. Hear me out, there is a real faith, real promises, and a real God. I just don't see that being promoted regularly. Sunday mornings aren't what they used to be. worship and prayer have been replaced by pre-game shows. My sermon comes from sportscenter. My sacrifice comes in the form of what's being cooked for breakfast. I hope I can return one day....it just doesn't seem to be anytime soon.

Decisions, Decisions

I am currently facing some pretty insurmountable obstacles in my life. I have come to a point where a decision must be made. I don't think it's possible for me to continue on course in my current city and state. The economy was suffering before the recession hit and it's been worse for this state than most. I work for the state currently and there are many rumors about the viability of the budget and the plans of the new administration. Layoffs have already begun.

I have tried to rescue my house from the dreaded end of foreclosure. Not an easy task when 50% of your income walks out of the door. That is looking more and more like a lost cause. I'm going to continue to fight and I have some tricks left up my sleeve. However, if worse comes to worst that'll be it. A move will have to be made.

It is highly unlikely that I can achieve my financial goals and remain in my current professional field. I'm a social service provider and it just doesn't pay to help those less fortunate. I love what I do. I really enjoy the satisfaction of impacting someones life in a positive manner but there isn't any big cash payoff. I've been complimented by the Director of my department, unit staff, COO, and CEO, yet no money is coming. In fact, with layoffs coming I may not even be able to maintain my position....no matter how well I perform.

The last decision involves my children. They are my pride and joy. My greatest possessions. It pains me to leave them even for a few days. Yet, I may need to leave them even longer to make headway in other ways. This is a sickening thought especially because of their youth. My daughter is taking the separation particularly hard. She cries when I leave. She cries even at the announcement of returning back to her mother. I don't want to do this but it appears as though I must.

My plan looks like this. I will go to law school. Dedicate myself as I always do and finish at the top of my class. I will also obtain a degree in business. I will then make a move to Delaware, New York, Houston, or wherever the highest bidder may be. I'll make an aggressive effort to set my finances in order and pave the way for my children. Women will not be a concern. Nor will personal gain. My children and their well being will be my only focus. I will leave the life I had and have behind. Only looking back for my beautiful children.

My life would appear to have run it's course. I will now pour myself out for my children and hopefully for their children. My hopes for a new family, more children, good friends, will be something of another life. I will leave it all behind. I may be overreacting. But I think this experiment has run it's course. It's time to move on to the next one. My best laid plans went the way of mice and men. Marriage gone, home close to it, current relationship a mystery, job up in the air, finances about the same...Decisions must be made. Hard decisions that will neither be pleasant nor peaceful. In the words of the detective from Menace to Society, "You know you fucked up right...........you know you fucked up?"

Suffering, the Only Way to the Top

I love the game of football. I have deep remorse that I did not play the game in any organized fashion growing up. It is a game of brutality. A game of wills. A game of pain and triumph. It truly is a game about life. It's a game about forward progress, control, skill, and discipline. What a reflection of reality.

As an avid Pittsburgh Steelers fan I recall watching them suffer a brutal loss two weeks ago at the hands of the Patriots. They got the breaks beat off of them. It was embarrassing to say the least. Yet, that was not but a small picture of what the Steelers are. They didn't stay down. They mounted up and whooped ass on the lowly Raiders the following week. It wasn't that they beat down an undeserving team that struck me. It was that they regrouped from such a terrible set back.

This is where life truly is played out on the football field. How many times have each of us given our all and come up short? How many times has our best not been good enough? I know that what often happens is that people give up. They figure their best is good enough and throw in the towel. It's sad but true. I've been here before. There are times when you just don't feel like it's worth it anymore.

I ask you to consider this, what if your greatest victory was contained in the very next opponent you faced? Most championship teams do not go undefeated. Instead they have ups and downs throughout the season. What happens is that they build from those losses and peak at the right time. Championships aren't won at the beginning or even the middle of the season. It is a total effort. The good and the bad.

When you watch games in HD you can see the blood, sweat, and even tears that are shed each and every Sunday. This is done by both the winner and the loser. Yet, they pull it all together. Work hard throughout the week only to do it again. We should approach each day in such a fashion. Learn from the past, embrace the present, and hope for the future. Press on toward the mark of the high calling.

I remember hearing an interview with Wayne Gretzky, hockey great. He was talking about the first time he was in the championship game on a professional level. His team had been beaten royally and lost the series. Gretzky stated that he left his teams locker room to go see the celebration of the other team. He said he was surprised by what he saw. He didn't see people falling all over each other in joy. What he was men being patched up from the injuries suffered during the battle for the gold. He stated that he looked at his team and saw that they had few if any injuries. They also didn't have the Championship.

It was at that point that Gretzky realized that his team had not paid the price to be champions. They had come far but they didn't suffer till the end. The other team wanted it so badly they were willing to bleed and be broken for it. His team didn't. Success is not achieved by the prettiest. It is not achieved by the those that come out unscathed. No, it is achieved by those will to pay the price for what they want. You only reach the top by being willing to go to the bottom. You can only get there by suffering.

Learn from these athletes. Learn from the game how to live life. Learn that suffering isn't always what it seems. Learn that is is the pathway to something much greater if you use it wisely. I have suffered and still am in many ways. I don't want this to go to waste. I could be bitter, stay bitter, and never recover. Or, I could choose to use this to fuel me to where I want to go. I could come out with scars that tell the story of my demise or the story of my triumph. I vow not to let suffering destroy me. Instead, I will suffer my way to success. Suffer my way to love. Suffer my way to peace. Suffer my way......to where it leads me.

Jordan, Consistant and True

I just finished watching Jordan's response to the "What Should I do" LeBron commercial. I know it's been written for him and it may not even be his true thoughts on the whole LeBron matter, but I love it. One thing is for sure, Jordan's marketing team has always kept him consistent in his commercials and message. The message is true on the court as well as in life.

Jordan's retort to LeBron is about his work ethic and how he used his failures to fuel his success. Jordan apologizes for making it look easy, for making it look as though it was effortless, for making it look as though success began and ended during the game. As I watched this commercial I thought about how true this is in life.

Most poeple see great success and think that it's easy because the professionals make it look easy. It only looks easy because of all the hard work they put in before you ever saw it. Great attorney's don't become great in the court room. They become great in the law library. Great athletes don't become great on the field of play. They become great in the gym and the in the film room. Great relationships don't become that way at the anniversary. They become great day in and day out as people love, sacrifice, give, and suffer for one another. Greatness is never easy.

LeBron seems to have missed this lesson in life. He thought he was going to win because he was him. He thought since it didn't come in Cleveland it would come in Miami with more superstars. Turns out you need hard work even when surrounded by a bunch of talent. This has been missed as LeBron has complained about playing to many minutes and his sidekick Chris Bosh has been quoted as saying, "We just want to chill." Jordan's lesson has been lost on these two.

LeBron and company are not alone. Many of us have thought that success was going to come easy. Some thought because we were educated black men success would find us. Some of us thought because we were the big fish in our small pond that the world would just recognize and bow at our feet. Some, like my former partner, thought that life was supposed to be perfect and when it wasn't jumped ship. Life is not easy in any sense of the word. Failure is easy. Pain is guaranteed. Overcoming is not.

I remember watching Shaquil O'Neal talking about kids working out. He said, "Some people don't know what it means to work hard. They think they're working hard but they're not working hard." This is where we have come. We don't know how to work through things. We don't know how to struggle. How to press on. How to overcome and triumph victoriously. We have lost the work ethic. We have lost our drive. Nobodies hungry. Hence, nobodies productive.

Jordan is no saint. By no means perfect. He was great where he worked toward greatness, the court. The man failed in quite a few other spots in life. Some major. Yet, he is right when he says that it was his drive to fix his failures that made him great. Look back at Mike's commercials. They have always had the theme that failure drove him. Whether it was being cut from his high school team, being drafted second in the NBA draft, or being laughed at by Larry Bird when he scored 63 and lost, he has always maintained that his shortcomings pushed him onward. Learn from him on this note. Don't let failure be the last word. Let it be the beginning of your story toward greatness.

LOVE ETERNAL...

And now we have these three left; faith, hope, and love. Love being the greatest among these (paraphrase from 1 Cor. 13). The Bible says that above all stand Faith, Hope, and Love. And, out of those three stands Love alone. You should read the whole chapter to get the full effect of the very poetic and true statements of 1 Cor. 13. It is often read at weddings and whatnot. But I digress.

What makes Faith, Hope, and Love so great? Well, faith is the evidence of things hoped for, the substance of things unseen. When you find yourself in a place where things look bleak faith may be all you have left. It might sound like a weakness but it's a strength. Faith in God is the greatest of faiths. Yet, faith in oneself and a hopeful future is powerful in and of itself. Faith is what is needed to please God and live righteously. It is the full for progress and greatness.

Hope is the fuel that fans the flames of faith. Hope is needed if one is to ever overcome unwanted circumstances. There is no drive, no motivation, no hmmmph...when you need it. Hope is essential for life on this earth. I think one reason we don't press on and do better is because we are hopeless (I'll touch on that another time). The President won because even if his ideas haven't been hopefull, his message was. Biblically speaking, hope is a gift from God. We hope based on his promises for a brighter day.

Finally, we come to Love. Love is so fantastic it is deemed to be the greatest of all things. Love is what fuels faith, hope, and all things worthy. Love is what drove our God to sacrifice on our behalf. Love is what drives people to stretch themselves for others. Love is what is needed today, tomorrow and forever more. When love is present or made life is always the result.

So, why is love the greatest? Love is the greatest because at some point faith will be no more for all that his believed will come to pass. Hope will go the same way. All things hoped for will be fulfilled. Those things will be before our very eyes both now and forever more. But love....love is ever present and never complete as you can give it over and over. God is love, therefore love is eternal.

The one thing that will transcend time and space is love. It continues on. It is like a form of energy. It can not be destroyed and changes form as it is released into the world. Love is truly a magnificent and powerful entity. Unseen and yet an action. It has the power to create, the power to provide, the power to propel us beyond what we know to be our limits. It is incredible.

So, why am I writing about love? Well, my Chocolate Princess continues to infer and suggest that I am still in love with my wife. To some extent that is true. For my love was true for her and therefore can not be voided. It can't be destroyed nor replaced. However, the terms upon which my wife experienced my love have been violated. I wish her well. I have high hopes for her future. Sadly, she can never experience my love as she once did before.

This could be a gender issue as well. I think women are better built or have a higher tolerance for infidelity. I don't know if nurture, nature, or purpose but women seem to be able to withstand aughts against the heart. Men can not. There is no coming back from infidelity for most men. It is a crushing blow that seems that it can not be overcome by men. To add to that I don't desire to overcome it. Call it pride. Call it ego. Call it what you want...I'm not built that way. Also, I don't believe my wife has any interest either. I take her at her word that she doesn't love me.

So, with all that I say this; Love is eternal. It doesn't end and can't be destroyed. It does change form and its experience most certainly can change. My love for my wife is eternal. I will not revoke my feelings for her. They stand forever. There is no going back. No reneging. Yet, I must go on. I am free and my love desires to bless another at this time. The laws of the spirit can not be revoked. Love will ring eternal!

PEPPERMINT BARK

I was recently introduced to a wonderful treat called Peppermint Bark. It is a chocolate scare with milk chocolate on one side and peppermint on the other. The product is made by Ghirardelli Chocolate. I recommend that you pick some up if you have the chance. I see interesting correlations between this delicious treat and the one that introduced us.

The Bark is a unique mixture of flavors. It's sweet and refreshing and leaves you with a wonderful sensation after you have consumed it. This is true of my friend. I call her my Chocolate Princess. She is multifaceted with many flavors and is always refreshing to my soul.

In addition to the wonderful taste of the Bark, it is difficult to find. Not every store carries this edition of the Ghirardelli Chocolate. Though you can find Ghirardelli almost everywhere this Bark is a rare find. Again, my Chocolate Princess is a woman like any other and yet not like any other. She is unique, a rare find. Something special. I tell her this all the time but she thinks I'm running game. It's understandable, but I don't have game...as my friend says, "that is my game."

The last comparison I will make is not exactly a pleasant one. The Peppermint Bark is only here for a short period of time. It is a "limited edition." It is a holiday special. Consequently, I have consumed a great deal of it and have sought to share it with many. Sadly, my Chocolate Princess continues to state that she believes our relationship is only for a season and that one day I will move on. I don't hold to this belief. However, it's hard to overcome a self-fulfilled prophecy and if that is her aim how can I overcome it?

If you have a Peppermint Bark or Chocolate Princess in your hands I recommend that you savor the flavor and all the refreshment it brings. One never knows how long it will be around nor if it shall return. Strike while the iron is hot. Leap while the waters are troubled. If you wait, you may miss out on a wonderful treat and be left with only regret.

Ti's the Season

This is a bitter sweet time of the year for me now. It was once the opening to the best time of the year as far as I was concerned. Football is in full swing. The Holiday's are being swept in along with the beautiful changing of the leaves. First, comes Thanksgiving. Then, next up would be my wedding anniversary. Followed by Christmas, my birthday, my wife's birthday, and the hope of the New Year. Much has changed in just a few months.

According to my wife's report, November is the month my marriage brought to its end. Up until this point my marriage was salvageable. What had taken place could have been turned back, repaired, reconciled. This is the month where my marriage jumped the shark. This was when my wife took things to a point of no return. What took place during this month can not be taken back, can not be erased, can not be dissolved.

This is the month when what was mine in spirit and by law was freely given to another. It was during this time that my heart was betrayed for a small bag of silver. Once you take it there ain't no coming back. I can't help but to reflect on this happening even a little bit. It doesn't occupy my mind but I do find that it surfaces here and there.

I remember gathering with family and my wife seeming distant. As I look back I wander was that the day? Was that when my world stood still, the moon turned blood red, and the seven seals were opened? My wife never would tell me the day. She claims she doesn't remember. I find that hard to believe. She claims it took place around Thanksgiving. It's possible. Not the greatest of holiday memories, but the truth is the truth.

I'll never really know when, how, and how many times the dastardly deed took place. What I do know is that it was in this season that what God joined together, man tore asunder. This year there will be no anniversary, no birthday celebrations, no Christmas Eve at the in-laws. No, what will be this year is undue complicated maneuvering to make my children feel as comfortable as possible as this will be the first year ever that they will not have both parents present during the holidays. Oh well, Ti's the season...

Do you really want to know me?

One of the complaints my wife voiced before she left was that I didn't make her feel special. She said that I treated her like I treat any other woman. She even got upset because I would talk politics with a female co-worker of mine. Keep in mind, my wife had no interest in politics whatsoever. Anyway, she would always say that I didn't do anything with her that I didn't do with other women, save sex. That simply wasn't true. There was something I shared with her that I shared with only her. The issue was, did she want it?

Intimacy is a common issue and complaint of women concerning men. Women tend to believe that a man is only interested in being intimate in one way, sex! For the most part that's true. Rather, that is the primary mode of intimacy men desire to pursue. I submit this argument while I'm here. Women complain about intimacy but they don't know what any other form of intimacy looks like so in essence they're just complaining. Back to the issue at hand. Truth is, men share their hearts with their women quite often in a deeply intimate way. Problem is that women miss it.

When my wife told me that I didn't share anything with her I knew from the rip that she had missed it. I shared something that most men won't ever share with their friends, co-workers, family members, or anybody else.....I shared my insecurities. Let me tell you women, if a man tells you about his perceived shortcomings or fears he is sharing the deepest, darkest, parts of his heart. This is high level, top secret, classified, male intimacy. Don't miss it.

Most women think that their man is just complaining or whining about what's going wrong in his life. That isn't the case. If I tell you what my dreams are and the roadblocks I'm facing I'm sharing something deep. Men won't share their fears, insecurities, or weaknesses at work, at the gym, and not with the boys. A man has to present with a strong front. Life is war and a warrior would never show his point of weakness. Yet, every man has one at least. He longs for a safe place to be known. He's not asking for a woman to fix it but just for her listening ear.

I used to share my fears with my wife. Share my pain. I wasn't looking for her to answer those things. I was just looking to be known...good and bad. I wanted her to see the whole me. She saw it as weakness, not strength. She didn't use the information to build me up but to tear me down. She didn't let it bring us closer but instead let it put a wedge between us. My wife isn't alone in how she perceived my sharing. I have talked to quite a few women that found this type of sharing to be repugnant. When I tell them how their man is opening up to them they all seem shocked that they didn't see it.

Women want Clint Eastwood, Denzel, Obama...men that present as invincible supermen that don't have insecurities, shortcomings, or fears. They want a scripted man that knows how to respond to every situation. Is always in a position of strength. And, who never shows vulnerability. They want a fictional man. Maybe this is how it is to be. Maybe men ought not share their hearts on all sides. Maybe, it's just too much. Maybe women don't really want to know the complete man.

If you do want to know the whole man then listen for the heart of the man that shares his insecurities. It is rare. It is special. You will find that you will know your man in a way no one else does. Don't be repelled by the other side of his strength. It takes strength for a man to unveil himself in such a manner. If you haven't gotten to this place of intimacy ask yourself; "Do I really want to know him?"

CRAZY

Don't ever go against your better judgment. Think about it, it's called "better judgment." I did such a thing about two months ago. Everything started off simple and innocent. A female acquaintance asked if we could hang out. There were no parameters or expectations placed on the time. It was just going to be two people hanging out. A little dinner and dancing...that was it. I've hung out with many woman as "friends" without issue so I figured it was cool. It wasn't.

We went out for dinner, drinks, and then some dancing. While we were dancing we shared a kiss or few...it was cool. After that I escorted her home. I thought to myself, "that was cool. Nothing major...just cool." The next day I'm getting text asking me to join her and her sister at a bar for drinks and other activities. When I turned that down she offered to buy me breakfast the following day. Keep in mind I made it clear that after that evening I would be spending time with my family. That did not deter her.

The text continued to fly. She continued to indicate that she couldn't wait to see me again so she could kiss me (apparently a brother has skills). She was stroking my ego big time and I was enjoying that. She was already planning to make a drive to see me at my home. I thought about the situation and felt that it wouldn't be wise to do so. I shared my reservations with the woman. I was clear that if she made a trip to my home sex would be had. She agreed. I made it clear that I wasn't interested in a serious relationship. She agreed. I said, and I quote, "I don't want to be a part of your pain." She said that she was an adult and was certain that I wouldn't be....

She pressed the issues and as the saying goes, a gentleman will only be a gentleman for so long. I wanted to get physical, she wanted to get physical...it was on. I should have stood strong and held my ground. I know that 99.9% of women on this earth can't handle that type of arrangement. This was not one of the .01%. She was already making plans for a return to my home. I was already making plans not to ever have another meeting of this kind again.

I stalled when she inquired about the next meeting time by saying, "let's wait and see." She felt put off. She was wondering what happened. To make it worse, she is under the belief that she really "rocked my world." I don't know where she got that from cause she wasn't even close. I was polite and clear about things. I thanked her for sharing herself with me but I didn't think it should go any further. I told her I thought she should take some time to clear her mind and leave the whole relationship piece alone for now.

She took offense. Tried to push me further. She said things like, "you have to get over it sometime." And, "You have to push past all this." I took offense at her response. I asked her how does one "push" past 10 years? I told her I was doing what I thought and know is best for me. She tried to act like she was coming back to her senses. She tried to apologize and act sane. She even thanked me for helping her gain clarity. That only lasted for so long. It was only a few days before loooooongggggggg e-mails and text messages started again. She was like fatal attraction lite.

This woman is disturbed. In her mind, God has brought us together for a reason. I'm really into her but scared that she is going to hurt me. And, that I am suppressing my heartfelt emotions for her. It is as though she is hearing voices cause all this has been constructed from my silence. I don't think God brought us together. I'm not scared of being hurt (not by her, desire is needed for emotional pain to occur). And the only thing I'm covering up is my disgust for her behavior and how she repels me even as a friend. I'm disturbed, but not in the same way.

So here I am, my thoughts are typically far far away from this woman. I don't text her, call her, e-mail her, check on her FB page, comment on her FB page, nothing.... Yet, I continue to receive correspondence from her as though I respond. Today she asked me via text if I wanted a book she just read. I said no. She was offended. Who does that? Who gets offended because you don't want to read a book? A crazy person, that's who! I should have known better. I should have done better. I should have listened to better judgment. Now she's driving me crazy and on the verge of making me be something I'm not...Outright ignorant.

Q & A

The Question: Did I ever have a chance?

Answer: Never seen you like that. You were more of a brother. Too much of a good boy too... I like bad boys!! Lol

What you see above is part of the phenomena seen on facebook.com where people can't wait to put their business out in the street. The game works like this, you ask a person a question under the cloak of the "inbox." In turn, the person you ask the question to post both the question and the answer for all to see on their page. The question above is one that I posed to a female friend of mine from college. Her response only serves to prove my point....GOOD GUYS AIN'T WORTH SHIT!!!!

Let me tell you this concerning my friend. There was once a time when I escorted her to her room because she was intoxicated (one beer) I wanted to make sure she made it back safely. Once in her room she starts kissing and hugging on me and asking me to stay. Under fear of rape accusations I broke camp. Many of our close mutual female friends swear she was faking to give herself an excuse. Well, maybe she wasn't. After all, I never had a chance.

It's not like I wanted this chick to say "game on." She's married with kids. It's just that I would have liked to have been looked at with that type of potential. Even if you don't want a job it's nice to know you have options. I don't even have options. I'm cursed by my niceness. Damned by my respectful ways. I should be calling women bitches, hoes, and chicken heads. I should find em', fool em', fuck em', and forget em' (Eric Jerome Dickey).

I know there is a place for men like me somewhere in the world. That place might be a monastery or the priesthood, but it's somewhere. Opportunity after opportunity has passed me by because I'm too much of a gentleman, too much of a good guy. BULLSHIT!!! No wonder the good guys are bad guys in this world. There is no room for men of respect, men of character. There is only room for selfish, conniving, cheating, lying, bastards that would do and say anything to get what they want. Of course, that's what women want. An unbeatable challenge.

Question: Where's the Prince Charming women have been dreaming of?

Answer: Trapped inside a good guy that can't get a second look if he were a flaming ball of fire.

THE POISON PILL

The term "poison pill" is a term used in the corporate world to fend off a hostile takeover. The term is also used in sports concerning contract negotiations. For my purposes I will use the functional definition for "poison pill" used in sports. When teams are negotiating with a player in sports they can offer a player a "poison pill" contract that does significant damage to the players former team if they decide to match the contract offer. The contract may consist of more years or more money than the former team is willing to pay. It can also contain terms that the former team isn't willing to touch (like guaranteeing that a player always be the highest paid at their position). Either the former team loses the player, takes the financial hit, or accept a contract they don't want.

This is what my wife has given me concerning my children. To add insult to injury my wife took my children under a cloud of deceit and maintains what would be considered primary custody. The poison pill in this deal is that I only get to see my kids on the weekends, every weekend. I love my kids and they love me. I wish I had more time for them but my work schedule and the distance between us does not allow for many weekday visits. Hence, I have a choice that really is no choice at all. Here is the poison of the pill.

Since I have my kids every weekend my social life is almost Nil. Most people still kick it on the weekends, save college students. Hence, my hang out time with friends or those of the opposite sex is totally shut down. Thus far I have had to turn down some pretty excellent company (female), free tickets to a comedy show, and hanging out with friends I haven't seen for quite some time. My weekends consist of regular trips to the park, Chuck E. Cheese, and animated movies. Whooo Hooo!!!!

In light of my weekend lock down I have a handful of choices. I could get a sitter for my kids and roll out with the friends and what not. That's not a great choice cause my kids come to see me and I want to see them so I really don't want to cut my time short. I could ask my wife to keep the kids for a weekend here and there. That's a no show. I wouldn't give her the pleasure of being at her mercy. Plus, my kids would be upset they didn't see me. Not really a win-win situation.

So, here I am. Little to no social life. I love my kids with a passion. I wouldn't trade them for anything. If this is my life from here till then, so be it. But it sure does burn me up that I have no social life, only see my kids on the weekends, and my wife gets to kick it every week with guaranteed child care. Where is the justice in that? I really need a weekend with the cousins or something to give me a kickin' it weekend. Ah well, it is what it is. In other words, I'm complaining with no real solution. She got me good with the poison pill.